"Hello, is this the FBI?" "Yes, what do you want?"
"I'm calling to report about my neighbour Billy Bob Smith. He's hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy Bob and left.
The phone rings at Billy Bob's house.
"Hey Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?" "Yeah"
"Did they chop your firewood?" "Yep"
"Happy Birthday Buddy!!"
A 60 year old woman was walking along the 5th Avenue when she heard a voice from above. "You will live to be 100." She looked around and didn't see anyone. Again she heard "You will live to be 100." Boy, she thought to herself, that was the voice of God. I've got 40 more years to live! So off she went to the plastic surgeon. She got everything fixed from head to toe. When she left the plastic surgeon's office, she got hit by a bus, died and went up to heaven. She said to God "You told me I would live to be 100. I was s'posed to have had 40 more years. So how come you let the bus kill me?" God said: "I didn't recognise you."
An Aussie, Irish and Chinese man broke down in the desert. They were only allowed to take one thing. The Aussie took a water bottle coz "if I get thirsty I can have a drink." The Chinese man took an umbrella coz "if I want shade I can put the umbrella up." The Irish man took a car door. They asked, "Why did you bring a door?" He replied, "Because if I get too hot I can put the window down."
A man walks into a bar. He sits down and asks for a drink. After a few minutes the bartender hears a phone ring. He sees the man lift up his hand and start talking into it. When he stops talking the bartender asks "What are you doing?" The man says "I'm a telephone company executive. I use the phone so much I got a phone implanted in my hand." Of course the bartender didn't believe him so the man asked for the bar's phone number. He punches it into his hand and the bar's phone rings. The bartender can't believe it. These two become good friends. About three drinks later the man asks where the bathroom is. After about 10 minutes the bartender starts to get worried and thinks that maybe he shorted his hand out whilst washing his hands. The bartender walks into the bathroom and sees the man standing there with toilet paper crammed up his butt. The bartender asks "What are you doing?" and the man replies "I'm just waiting for a fax."
Three guys walked into a bar. The other one ducked.
Q. How many McDonalds managers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. One, but they have to watch a training video three times first.
Patient - Doctor, doctor, I only have 59 seconds left to live.
Doctor - Just one minute please
It was the final of Sale of the Century and the three contestants were an Englishman, an American and an Irishman. All was tied and with one question left the host asked each person the same question: "Complete this phrase and spell the last word. Old McDonald had a...?" The Englishman said "Estate" and spelt "E S T A T E". Buzzzzz and he missed out. Well the American thought he had it in the bad and he answered "Old McDonald had a Ranch" and spelt "R A N C H". Buzzzz and he was eliminated. Now the Irishman was jumping for joy. 'What an easy question to answer' he thought. He quickly yelled "I know the answer! It's Farm. E I E I O"
A teacher, a petty thief and a lawyer all died and went to the Pearly Gates. Because of crowding, St. Peter told them they had to pass a test before they could enter. Addressing the teacher he asked "What was the name of the famous ship that hit an iceberg and sank?" 'The Titanic' she answered and St. Peter motioned her into heaven. The thief was next. "How many people died on that ship?" St. Peter asked. 'Gee, that's tough' the man replied 'but luckily I just saw the movie. The answer is 1500.' St. Peter let him through. Then he turned to the lawyer and said "Name them."
In the Hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, semi-risky, and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves." The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, 展ell, how much does a brain cost?" The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain." The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually looked. A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?" The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and so to the entire group said, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've been used."
Riding the favourite at Cheltenham a jockey was well ahead of the field. Suddenly he was hit on the head by a turkey and a string of sausages. He managed to keep control of his mount and pulled it back into the lead only to be struck by a box of Xmas crackers and a dozen mince pies as he went over the last fence. With great skill he managed to steer the horse to the front of the field once more when, on the run in, he was strucj on the head by a bottle of sherry and a Christmas pudding. Thus distracted he succeeded in coming only second. He immediately went to the stewards to complain that he had been seriously hampered.
Clinton, Bush, and Gore are on a long flight in Air Force One. Gore pulls out a $100 bill and says, "I'm going to throw this $100 bill out the window and make someone down below happy." Bush, not wanting to be outdone, says, "If that was my $100, I would split it into two $50 bills and make two people down below happy." Of course Clinton doesn't want to be outdone, so he pipes in, "I would take 100 $1 bills and throw them out the window to make 100 people just a little happier." At this point the pilot, who has overheard all this bragging and can't stand it anymore, comes out and says, "I think I'll throw all three of you out of this plane and make 250 million people happy."
A few minutes before the Sunday service started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get out. Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman, who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. So Satan walked up to the old man and said: "Don't you know who I am?" The man replied: "Yep, sure do". "Aren't you afraid of me?" asked Satan. "Nope, sure ain't" said the man. "Don't you realise I can kill you with a word?" "Don't doubt it for a minute" returned the man, in an even tone. "Don't you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying, physical agony for all eternity?" persisted Satan. "Yep" was the calm reply. "And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan. "Nope." More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?" The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years".