“Modern Love”-David Bowie
GOD THEY PUT A MACHINE INSIDE MY HEAD..I MIGHT PRESS CHARGES… Hijack Babydoll with replica revolvers and all twenty million eyes are on me…A-I used to be alive death metal kama sutra mix…Mission impossible secret service sudden dirge of the bass… exaggerated and prolonged …needy for a pretty pretty…paves the way to sodom & Gommorah…A search for improbable answers has opened a gateway to the resident evil..Third Reich appetite..The Roman Empire strikes back with wutang wutang lies lies lies..Let’s start a war..Linkin Park Vs Tupac…Wutang Wutang lies lies digital pimp once again lost in the Go-dj...Joey Ramone’s dead…And Forever has no end in sight
GOD THEY PUT A MACHINE INSIDE MY HEAD…I MIGHT PRESS CHARGES Chrissy doesn’t live on Canyon Oak drive anymore..Attempted/not known..Los Angeles … Hollywood …Home of the Stars…No longer @ this address..Return to sender ..and it reminds me of losing Sarah’s photo of my sister Tracey and soon all the energy stolen from Chocolate Starfish And The Hot Dog flavored Water immediately evap-orates..Long Gone..Salutations from The Punk..In The middle of a lockdown… Western State Hospital…Frances Farmer will have her revenge on Seattle…In utero.. …Bleeds in your mind…not on your hands
Why this sequence of notes…”the
above respondent was taken in to custody as a result of conduct”.. Tori’s
Pretty…Why these particular dreams?…”in
which he attempted/or inflicted physical harm upon the person of another” Tori’s
fun…Why this melody?… ”Or himself and
continued to present as a result of a mental disorder”.Gonna have a
baby..Why this woman?.. “ a likelyhood of
serious harm to others or himself “ Cuz she’s the only one.
Data up and running ..and I still know what you did last summer..Taurus’ debut in Hallo-ween’s Circus Circus..was bloated..uneven gashes stained with flies…so many flies it appeared her inert body would take flight..licking her imperfect disease …I begin to touch myself..The Bride Of Frankenmind oh so impure…Slaam of reeverb…Greetings from the Brave & The Bold…I like to drink the thought that events will transpire…blossom as majestic as a field of poppies..vietnam..and make the supernatural supernatural….logic giving into bombastic babble from the Book Of Merlyn…EEErie indiana mixed by Andy Wallace.. additional production by Jack Endino…my own private idaho of omens…Vile and energetic to serve as midnight scenery to the last dance..fast and furious I’m sure soon you will see things my way…So play the fucking track
Why this hurt?…” Manner/Attitude:
agitated, unpredictable/guarded” Been In Frisco.. Why
this so far away?…”speech/ability to
communicate: poverty of content, good directed speech though frequently Stops
in mid sentence”..Been in love…Why this so Close? “ Thought Process/Content/Disorders/ Perception of
Reality: delusional ideas ..suspicious& angry, paranoid. Fixated on Tori
Spelling. The belief they have a personal relationship”… Mia
Zapata..Why has nearly everyone left me alone to cry …Why?.. Mulitple hospitalizations/incarcerations”…Turtledove.
REWIND
5.2000
Fascination sheets locked down in King County Jail…pleading guilty to charges I didn’t commit…Nicotine withdrawal…Tori wants to be a June Bride..nicotine withdrawal.. ans summer feels like a day away. Nicotine withdrawal..Nicotine gasp gasp wheeze wheeze
Withdrawal…golly gee whiz gang, life is getting to be a regular rolling..Stoned I wanna get stoned.
Maybe its that 23 hour isolation..one hour out..psycho animaniac that did the trick’s are
For kidz cuz I realized Babydoll doesn’t a shit about an MTV memorial day Red Hot Chili Peppers/ Foo fighters concert at the Gorge..She desires a significant other and it looks like TAG! I’m it…I couldn’t believe it when the program director of WVBR Austin Texas actually said over the airwaves “I have a message for Tori Spelling from CENSORED. He wants to know if you will marry him. He’ll be a devoted husband and help you with your career. Will you marry him?”
Whatever that shark Jabberjaw sez I’m thinking 5D right now..now
PRINCE
Let’s go crazy!
6th dimensional, 7,8,9,10,11, 12 13th dimensional..throw in a few of Curly’s nuk nuks cue that diabolical laughter again..EEEEgahds Itchy & Scratchy just itched the 7 Year Bitch … Get me those Krusty Burgers and a Crate-O-Duff to go, Ho …Maaan married life’s gonna be supercalifabulous…
And babydoll holds all the cards, i.e. the manuscript, a bazillion addresses and that hot to trot bod…she knows damn well if she doesn’t coolio a cameo appearance in Seattle..as
Soon as I finish doing my time..The Dark Knight is off to La La Land to save the Fairy
Princess..Should I even bother saying..NO DUH..
What makes this merry prankster power to the people is if the SPD hadn’t decided to whammy me with assault and resisting arrest charges…it would have been back to the streets made so Seig Heil by Microsoft…Chuck’s just plain tired of the situation…
CHUCK
It’s not that I don’t like you Nemo
Though of course that hasn’t stopped Chuckles from pounding out those darn kidz maad you mee defunct a.d. cds to every college radio station in the nation…a c.d. showcasing my spoken word spookspeak and would you believe it..his too…
CHUCK
I’ll see if I can make you famous
Aye Karumba with friends like these…so I’m flipping me last dime in the Army Of Darkness wishing well…hoping Tori is beyond that Dr. Shrinker He’s A Mad And Evil Man Dr. Shrinker…One of my fellow inmates professed to vizzing her voluptous Vicki Gadget on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno talking about her serious relationship…Of course she’s playing it smart and not mentioning any names…Not with my rep as The Ultimate Flake Black Snake…Would you broadcast bugaloo before You Know Who gets his Viper vrrrrroming …Yeah I need a little time out from being bombarded by adverts and other people’s agenda and soon you begin to see that the fine line that is your life..Do you really think any one at Spelling Entertainment is gonna be surprised when I showup at the office with me cannibal corpse bellowing ..”WHERE’S TORI? ..WHERE’S MY BELOVED? WE ARE TO BE WED BEFORE THE MORROW’S EVE!”
This would be a great place for a stickup…referring to my mouth..betta brush what teeth I have left…Warren that madstruck moutaineer in cell #9 gave me some notebook paper so I would stop scrawling on my court documents…What’s cookin?..Count Of Monte Cristo Crisco frenchfried fillet…Familiar story served in a fine red wine sauce.. Burgundy… Merlot…He wants to be a vampire..Oh stop Pop you in the Misima..Rocket aboard the Boones thunderbird nighttrain nightrain…
SLAAAAAAM KLANG SLAAM..what the hell is this usually means breakfast has been served…SLAAAAAM KLANG SLAAM.. “yeah brother ya ain’t supposed to have many good days in jail “ Willy sez…what about the innocent having fun because they have been presumed guilty long before they got locked up…Willy sharpened my pencils… gave me two this time…White plastic cup..fill it up with Kool-aid to wash down the SLAAAAAAAAAAAM KLANG SLAAM… …What the hell is this..usually means breakfast has been served…and its 7 stepping into the a.m…remember third bass..no serge..and I wonder how Tori starts her day…and I smile as I think about her lazy ass burrowing further underneath the sheets..Fascination sheets…Yes there’s a continuity…I freephoned The Rocket in ’98 how one day I was gonna call my estate Fascination Street…but there’s no need because what hers is mine and my behind is hers…
Tori so jeanharlowplatinum blonde silk pajamas..Okay..NAKED…Dad always said give the people what they want..Hattie McDaniels strutting in her bedroom…”Ms Spelling get up Ms Spelling there’s a powerful amount of work to do at the studio today and you need to be looking your bestest if you hope to catch that Mr 19 and catch him good”…The writing is healing…the writing is healing..Tori grunts underneath..her hand shoots out grabbing the glass off the silver tray…glass of orange juice..pickled by Chiquita bananas…hmmmmmmmm could be too many matinees messing with my Frankenmind
..yess where is Dark Atari and all those other voices in my head..Have they departed on Costa Rican radioactive autobuses because of the SLAAM KLANG SLAAM…what the hell is this…usually means breakfst has been served..Are you being served?..the british comedy..tea & sympathy for The Devil…Greenwich Village..I’d like to take Babydoll there some day and show her off..while I’m shoveling my mouth full of shepard’s pie..
Slowly Tori’s head immerges from beneath the comforter..squinting at the sunlight day dreaming in…graceful swallows..chomping of the fruit…lets see if we change the setting of the scene…Have Hattie..ya know that’s my grandmother’s name..come in like before ..
And have it so “Girl you best get up.there’s a powerful amount of work to be done at the studio today and that crazy boy done wrote you a nice note like he dos everymorning”.. end of odds&endsville..There’s that smile I’ve grown to love on That Face..HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A FACE LIKE HERS…aaaaaaaaaaaaaah this morning allavista.com waves of SMART IS BEAUTIFUL...All of a sudden its World War 2...All of a sudden I’m in the yellow submarine..Could it be that 1941 BMW Convertible in the garage… Hurriedly downing the juice she unseals the note sharpied on handmade paper..and greedily consumes the contents…
Babydoll
I was in…wait let me start again…I am in a gigantic wuthering heights
Fiend of a mode today…wait wow I’m really out of it. GOOD MORNING
MRS. IVEY. I suppose I should have done what I started to scooby-doo and leave a juicy questionmark that would have The Riddler
Storming my office screaming about copyright infringment. Gosh ya
think after cancelling “Andy Warhol’s Batgirl” I would have worked out
All those particular demons…
Pardon the interruption…SLAAAM KLAAANG SLAAAM…nicotine withdrawal…
I had hoped to save this bit of news for our trip to Joshua Tree this week
End but as you know I can’t keep anything from you…Isn’t that quite
Annoying. Anyhow that young writer from India..
SLAAAAAAAAM KLAAAAANG SLAAAM…see the nurse talking to the dude next door about methadone…about lithium..I ask about my items from the commisary..there was this good looking latino guy in a green jump suit…He showed me how to fill out a form with my BA#200124605...by the way what is this…Case# 381730…and he said he’d have it today…”you can only order from the comissary on Saturday”..so he’s not bringing the stuff today like he promised.. “No Mr Ivey what do you need?”..Waving sheets of lined paper..deck shoes soap and this…
Name came by the studio yesterday..and he’s the most amazing
Fellow. He’s really from Japan…Tokyo…but he’s lived in New
Delhi since childhood…Oh he’s some Hippie Huxley strungout
On brown rice and holograms of Polly Purebred. I told him that
Those darn kidz was interested in optioning his book of short
Stories “Quantum Lyrics”…obviously or why would I have his
Comicbookvoidboy khaki’d ass reeking up the lot…
SLAAM KLAANG..Linen exchange..won’t have clean clothes again til next week..Blue medium..
Name mentioned something about beginning a space opera trilogy
On this mutant grasshopper all done in haiku then translated into
French and babydoll..okay I’m laughing..uhm you’ll have to take
Over. He’s staying at The Standard. I promised you’d take him out
To lunch. I may join you two but I’d rather hear your version of
Events tonight say round 8…love you
FASTFOWARD
All that glitters… all that jazz…means there never is an unscheduled appearance….on T.R.L. ..Band on the run in Bangkok …the realcity of angels buried in Jerusalem..I want to use the word Jerusalem yet it doesn’t seem to fit in the Revelations of me and my Marquis Desade 777 prayers in latin. Why do I feel this way Baby Doll?…but there’s never any answer. Virtual Girl and I’s only kisskiss has been a series of emailwebsites magazines.. . Inner closeup of Oliver approaching..bowl held out weakly yet his eyes …” .May I have some more please” …a fever dream…I wake up screaming “Mr. Burns & Aaron Spelling seperated at birth!”…I wake up screaming “I wake up screaming”…Lucifer bursting from restraints ”Do you sons of man not know who I am?”..The reawakening robot dawn ruined by waves of Nausea…Suddenly I realize like everyone else..Only in brief moments am I all things to all people ..more often than not I fail to be an inspiration even to myself..Headless Horsemen On a Carousel..troubled but no longer am I Teen Beat…Scrooged…Nervous on edge. There’s no Wizard of Oz here just a ruined lion witch and the jail’s wardrobe…and this miniseries of nightmares has won the definitive emmy..the attention of the warlocks on Saturn’s cavernous hurrah hurrah..Mozart’s birthday loud loud..grasping my shoulders they say to me “You and your Love pay no nevermind. We all shall dine elsewhere Eden Sunset & Vine”..
Why this trip? Hickery Dickery Dock Why this
fantasy? The mouse ran up the clock
Why this fact? The hour struck 12…Why this body? He
went to hell.. Why this eerie rap?
And all was
well…
Introducing Galaxy 500..Marilyn Monroe Of Hair…Asian of skin…Lollipop Lollipop gunning her convertible haunted mesa..Voices of her ancestors..downloaded off Napster…Trip hop over a jungle of g-string diesel caffeine on strawberry jello seats …”Do you wanna ride?” she asked me peering over raybans.. silver…”do you wanna ride” the question unlocking goodlordsweetjesus nelson riddle ridley scott dowhatcha want. Hot to trot in mexican border towns..Matamoros…Tijuana…Talespin with secretaries of Fortune 500 warlords give us our daily bread. Give us our daily news…I was playing Master Of The Universe. You lose and I ran all outta He-man…
held up the plastic action figure..Dangerous angels…as I placed my
messenger bag in the
back..Truman Capote In cold blood…
”Frank Langella really brought him to life. And that’s really hard to
do. Can you imagine the immense concentration he needed just to delve,
especially with Courtney Cox-Arquette in the cast”
She noticed my distant smile..”Blah blah I know whatever. Do you like
what I’ve down with my artistic license?”..
Skeletorin midair…Ed Gein Psycho…
”Nice catch. Play much? ”
”Sorta I’m got the knack
for professing eternal love to
actresses I’ve never met. Hey He’s butt naked”
Galaxy fiddled with her hair..” Its my vision this year. The Legion of
Doom undone. Un zipped” .
.“Hip”
”I try. In & Out? Yes? No?”.
.”No thanks I’m on the all you need is love diet”
”How sweet I might be forced to take you home.” ..
” I doubt it highly unlikely.
I’m like the Eiffel Tower. Nice to look at but you wouldn’t want it in
your backyard much less your bed.room ”
”Really? How sad. So yeah this badboy in the buff look has just got to
go international this year for all villians. Major. Minor. It doesn’t matter”.
.”Fiends flesh no longer fantasy”…
”Hey that was my line”
”Was. I do alotta extreme Seinfeld Viewing. Ladies & Gentleman
Jerry George Kramer and EEEEEEEEEEEEEElaine”
“Good for you. Now get four wheels, a direction and maybe you really be
able to compete Jack Kerouac. Where exactly do you need to be cuz taxi time is
almost over”
I grinned..”Holmby Hills”
”Excuse my Japanese but what the fuck is there except armed response
for the armed response”
“ Closure you might say. Or in
the immortal words of Fred Durst ‘sometimes somethings turn into dumb things.
And you have to put your foot down’”. …
Galaxy abruptly slammed on the brakes “Waaaaaaaaaaaait a minute oh
mygawd I know who you are. I just
ripped off a copy of Punk from Tower Records the other day.” Pulling over to
the side of the road she punched open
the glove compart-ment…A thick
disney hiss of magick lushed forward enveloping me in its tell tale heart..Five
shadowy beings approached, Galaxy’s voice swirling around their massive
frames..”Weapon of choice Papa Legba or Les Barons?”…Police helicopter in the
sky. Me and my friends out Out out in L.A.
REWIND
5.2000
Shug shug shug slllosssssssh sound Of Pysch Indy taking a shower…Yup
get clean..sit in cell..think dirty thoughts..the windows of me terrorvision
displays the highway..light..
Cars..it’s a fuzzy nasty thing that reminds me of unfriendly daze spent
in California..see side panel for nutrious information…sure sure I had that
talk with Danny Gellis on the
Green Tortoise in 97
Now what would you say to Tori Spelling if
You met her at a party? Would you insult her?
No Man I don’t know. I’d
tell her how I feel.
That’s what I’m afraid of.
What seemed like mere bullshit around the fire getting stoned with Liz Price
heading for San Francisco to get Momma shag outta storage and motorpsycho
planes trains auto-mobiles..thur El Nino icy rain hail to see Jodycat in
Phoneix for Thanksgiving has arco
Dumptruck sumptruck jeep wagoneer saabed into quite a reallife soap..yesssum
Miss Ann I be the luckiest loser in lockup..cuz the most important task besides
putting The
Novel together is getting Tori pregnant of course..That’s the Excellent
Summer Supple-
Ment…Oh my God as in summer of LOVE ATTACKS..more bugs may follow virus..
Yeah who knows when ole Aaron..TASTELESS JOKE REMOVED..No here it
is..Is gonna kick the bucket and begin making t.v. executive decisions in the
sky..me biological clock has been ticking..if you can call it that..I’ve nearly
forgotten askin Jennifer Of Margo Manhattan…REAAAAAAALLY BAAAAAAAAAAD WAVES OF
JEALOUSY ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM KISSING TORI. I MEAN REEEALLY BAD..whoa. .GUESS
I’LL SEE IF HE CAN ACT..to marry me last April..right after hitting on Nancy
Evans of I-village..Damn do I have a bad rep with the babes.. another reason
why I’m sure Aaron encouraged Tori not to pay my bail…”Let him stay there.
Learn his lesson. Take some of the chutzpah outta him…Willy sharpened my
pencils..“You can’t have your future husband getting popped by the cops over nickle
and dime bullshit..What for crying out loud was it about?”…a siggyret..and
that’s the playskool version…It was all about respect. Respect which seems to
be lacking for me and my girl..not like I wanna spin this yarn..Nicotine
withdrawal…I’m so fuckin experienced and its not like I have much else on the
agenda..right now anyway sssso…I crept from Chucks after slowly sobbing to who
knows what etheral tweeky zing zing zing bell..zing zing bell..patter of
sandals on stone..paper dragon kites..zing zing my bell..falling down
again..nausea..nictotine withdrawal..
How many invitations..how many people are coming to this
wedding..should I even invite Charles after he lied to Trip about Tori being
married already..What the hell should I wear..leather from Agatha t but fuck I
can’t stop thing of Tori’s breasts. Left Chuck’s in me The Gits sweatshirt
plain exhausted..We had nearly spent two hours trying to attach the recording
file to the email..intense talk for me girl..right after the final episode of
Beverly Hills 90210 ended and we stocked up on Warlocks 8 Malt Liquor imported
from Hong Kong..On broadway infront of Habitat Expresso I tried to disappear
though I must have been getting my invisible manray foolproof cause almost no
one wanted to talk to me..that recollection hurts..and no siggyret to take away
the pain..and just then Rebecca gave me one..trying to lure me back to her
place..and then after surviving a coupla days who knows what she would have
emailed to the other Seattle Whores of Babylon..or to Tori..GGGGGGrrrrrrrrrrrroan..echoes in the holding cell …Splittersplashsplash
onto the concrete floor..who would I be if I wasn’t me… Echoes Of Verse in the
holding cell slitter splash splash..she’s a mermaid with two feet and drives
her Ferrari thru the reeevers of L.A… I’ve realized she wants a HUGE HOLLYWOOD
WEDDING.. Can’t be transferred to Western State Hospital.. Can’t afford to piss
off a doctor and be forced to stay past my time..Though Francis Farmer was
committed there and didn’t she have her revenge on Seattle…Didn’t Kurt Cobain
have his revenge on Rob Zombie…White Zombie..Ha try Tori zombie..Tori
this..Tori that…How many times can you use Tori in a sentence and not bore your
audience..HUGE HOLLYWOOD WEDDING…the fabulous thing about bein in the Psych
ward at King County Jail is you can scream on the top of your lungs and the
cops can’t lock you up,,ain’t that some shit…”hey can I have my hour out”..no
reply…”hey man can I have my hour out”…No reply..”Fine I guess you won’t be
invited to that HUGE HOLLY-WOOD WEDDING next month which is why it’s a good
thing I’m locked up here because if I thought how huge this was gonna be I
might hurt myself..Blue suit..”Aaah shut up”…everybody’s a critic..five minutes
later..”hey man can I have my hour out? I’ve been good. Santy Claws left me an
early Christmas present. I’m gonna write this down”
323 7101 …the number of The Stranger…the emergency contact I took off
my finger-print sheet..yup I finally got that done today..I was so screwed in
the head on Thurday they kinda suspended that formality…’THEY HATE TORI. THEY
HATE ME. WHY CAN’T YOU LOVE SOMEONE JUST BECAUSE YOU LOVE THEM. NOT BECAUSE
THEY’RE RICH.” Yeah Tim Keck and his Jann Wenner wannabe ass should bail me
out..”I’m not even gonna invite his fucking cheap ass to the wedding. I told
the officer after snarlin..”I’m arrogant and untalented”.. Babydoll maybe we
should charge admission to the reception…how else can we afford George Clinton
& The Pfunk Allstars..Sorry Dear that’s the P.T. Barnum in me..SLAAAAM KLANG
SLAAM…what the hell is this usually means breakfast…are you being served…light
rain outside dusting palm trees..Babydoll hiding under season’s greeting
sheets..BUTTNAKED..sleepily caressing her own shoulders reading note..
How do you sing a kiss? Kiss Kiss..I’m kissing
you all over havin
Fallen
prisoner to your keep. Why do I miss you so much I remember
being
so intensely angry with my ole man for not buyin me That one
way
ticket to Morocco..Casablanca to be exact. I was so
Sure it
was the path to That Girl. Imagine that not knowing you
Me
first virtual girlfriend..Hours gazing at your website buried
In
dotcom eddys of I wonder is she lusts after me the way I do her
And I
never wanna lose that feeling
Sudden
weirdness as SLAAAN KLANG SLAM I stand on the stool in an altered states
Isolation chamber and sing like Jimmy from H.R. Pufnstuf “ This sorta weird
This is sorta weird”..because Dawn takes the grease outta my way..and I realize
its five years since I first met Jody. Five years since I sed fuck this town
packed my bags and flew to San Francisco to make her mine all mine..Tori can
you believe the timing on this..We’ve got to be part of some greater celestial
plan
And I never want to
lose that feeling for you and even if it
Means cutting back
my duties at the studio and whisking you
Away to that
Island On The Top Of The World frisbeesand
Castles
fudgepixiestixcinammon ginger lemon bittersweet
Kisses always never ending kisses. Know
that’s exactly what
I’ll do. For I am
not only your husband.. I’m your friend
Hit with melancholy..No SLAM KLANG BAAM..but as if Invisible Thingies
spawning inside my chest..surging up the back of my neck, I touch the back of
my neck…Invisible
Thingies plucking at what used to be cheerful thought..changing the
melody…warping the sound..nicotine withdrawal..and Warren’s on his hour out…he
reaches down and passes me Dean Koonitz “Tick Tock” thru the bottom of the cell
door...I slide this rough
treatment thru and stand back on the stool and
chantmoanhalfsobwhatever..” Oh I don’t know Oh I don’t now”..I could finish it
with “where to go”..the same exact sample on Muttley me Apple Newton 2000..though
that was at the Morrison Hotel 2 years ago..No-thing left of my rocknroll
odyssey except vats of Welfare peanut butter, canned meat, notes, diaries, and
a glimmering tv antannae reception of a woman who changed my life forever..Got
a new drug Jody..No they’re not Invisble Thingies…They’re Blue Meanies.. in the
name of all that is righteous and
true..I cast you aside for Victoria
I am not only for
husband. I’m your friend a soul whose
Found his perfect
mate. UUUUUUGh I feel a Smiths song
coming on..but the
lyrics are transparent and the rythmn I
I forgot on the tube
in Brixton. So to make up for my
bumbling attempt at
Romance, I’ve enclosed this raggedy
spook doll to bring
you good lu8ck wherever you go today
And any day from now
on..Marlene Dietrich and her lil
Jigaboo…I’m thinking
we’ll probably make our own soon
Love always
FASTFORWARD
King County Jail…Holmstrom finally had taken took my collect call “My
call waiting got caught off. This is costing me five dollars. This is the last
phone call I’m accepting”. Yeah after all THAT BITCHING!.. he finally told me
what was up..”Joey Ramone died over the weekend. I gotta write a eulogy and
stuff..System interruption…The Jail Health Services guy hands me “O- The Oprah
Magazine”…and the first words I spy are “Fully comitted – The First questions
every couple should ask”…GGGrrrrrrrrrrrroan.. I had immersed myself into the
fantasy of married life last year so much Genius forgot the painful reality of
it all..Like wow Tori and I actually have to go on a date..Like wow Tori and I
have to be sexually compatible..Like wow I felt nothing when John told me Joey
was Eightysixed from Planet Hurt… Totally void
Is it really possible to have a conversation about foundations of
Tibetan Mysticism ..I Wanna shit on your face. Shit on your face..All about
Emily I Mac…”Self Realization I got some self realization for ya Phoneix..every
night I think of Babydoll and grip my Grape Ape. Brush your teeth you faggot.”..He peers into the window
of my cell jibber-jabbering “ That’s all Tom Cruise does is go up and down
Sunset Blvd looking for drag queens. Half those people they don’t know how to
live their lives”…”Hey Look man I just told you what’s going on. YOU CAN’T
HANDLE THE TRUTH!”Oh I’m getting annoyed here by all these fucking cockroachs..Maybe
I didn’t see them last time .No this cell is totally infested. I wanna shit on
your face..Shit on you face…Gave Phoneix Holmstrom’s number. He’s supposed to
call him..”I’ll tell him I’m pregnant with our child”.. He’s so funny..I was
dying.then the almost totally off the wall thing happened. After we both agreed
King County is the faggot of jails compared to N.O.P.P, Phoneix mentioned how
he knew Sallie Ann Glassman, the voodoo
priestess in New Orleans..They worked together at Café Istanbul the outer ring
of The French Quarter .Sallie etched some tattoo on his leg..It’s been so long
since I attended a ceremony with Jody…we lived in the Ninth ward during the
winter of ’96 a few blocks from her house …all the vocabulary is lost …The
weird tale is April 3rd the day I got popped by the Seattle cops I
had just sent email to the Usual suspects how I was thinking of escaping from
my fate as Shazam… by heading down to the Bayou and just be Billy Barton..
Dale in cell #4 has just had some more aliens invade his space..Time to
call in the Ghost
Busters, the Men in Black, or now Special Unit 2..Went to court..Man if
they make me Miss the Cannes Film Festival..so help me I will…”WAKE YOUR ASS UP
PHONEIX AND GIVE ME THAT GQ!”…He slips it under the door..” You remind me of am
18th Century artist writing on those brown bags. I even have the
theme music.” Phoneix starts humming this thunderous John Williams..This
African American Public Defender is filled in for Mutt & Jeff.. “You don’t
wanna go to Western State and take forced medication do you?…” Yeah well I’ll
be this Francis Farmer total matyr for Hollywood”
I wanna shit on you face.. Shit on your face…..”Phoneix wake up you
faggot!”.. How is
Demi Moore leaving Hollywood behind when she’s fullblown on the cover
of People with the huge blurb “Leaving Hollywood Behind”..Scream 3
NOOOOOOOOOOOOO…
The Invisible Beings are Visible..I see Dumb People.. Just Tax The
Stupid Ones…I wanna shit on your face..Shit on your face…You EEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeediots
if you want Generosity.. . Go watch Oprah..I am not her. You stupid stupid
stupid fucks..I mentioned in court today to supeona people by email..Whose the
man of the 21rst century?…Nemo 19.. Welcome to my one track mind…Take Back The
Planet Experience Music Project..World Domination…
Turn on Bozo..mix contents with 8ounces of cold water..Lights Cameras
Whadayamean no action..Where’s the dancing naked girls…Chains I Hear the sounds
of chains.”.MOTHER THEY MUST LOCK ME DOWN FOR I AM TOO BRILLIANT TO EXIST IN
THEIR CHARADE OF DEMOCRACY “..”Shut Up”..“Whose what? I dentity
yourself.”…Silence…”I Didn’t think so”..”Shutup”…“Phoneix is that you? You
faggot!”…Arrest the Marquis Desade. He is defiling the little ones’ minds with
his fairy tales about Thomas English muffins. About the butter running down
within the nooks & crannies…Carry on Grandma…Lisa Kudrow is on the set Of
Meg Ryan’s new movie in Gotham City…but are they talking about Batman, Batgirl
and The Boywonder. No its all about that infernal Russell Crowe..Maximus Oh
Maximus, will You please screw us…Hush now ladies..I am no longer a
gladiator..I’m a Princeton man..The changing face of Christianity…Call
1-800-Messiah…..Suddenly Susan she did what?…Truck drivers using pliers to pluck
..Good luck in The Lord’s Prayer..God bless and all that square biz…where is
the candy called Razzmatazz..The oompa loompas are out..they have not filled
their prescriptions..They have not seen Herr Doctor..Nausea..This oatmeal needs
sugar, cinammon & spice girls..” Don’t choke on those Cheerios,
Phoneix”..Laughter…
I can’t find that Tim Keck Sucks anywhere so TIM KECK SUCKS TIM KECK
SUCKS
TIM KECK SUCKS “I’M A CHEAPO” “I’M A CHEAPO I’M A CHEAPO..SING IT
TIM WWWWWWWWWWWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHAHA!
San Francisco..North Beach…Home made pasta at some Italian place..Jody
was beautiful
..radiating I’m every woman..making Can’t-Find-An-Affordable-
Apartment-Cuz-Her
Grandfather-Refused-To-Cosign The-Lease-For-One easy to deal with…”Oh
Cheerio
Ho!”…City Lights bookstore nearby..try directly across the street..”Get
Up Bitch!”..Phoneix passes me the Victoria magazine under the door..”Nice sense
of humor you faggot!”..I wanna shit on your face.. shit on your face…Randolph
Hearst screw your
Romantic living homes & gardens, fashion, beauty, travel, inspiring
women…I wanna shit on your face..shit on your face…”Excuse me whore”…Like Pinky
Tuscadero Jody wore this pink scarf..lips outlined by Mac…Jacket by Agatha..who
she was hesitant to meet at first..Blood our 63 Oldsmobile Holiday Super88 had
motored us outta Brooklyn..Green point to her old store on 9th..I
jumped out rushed in...Liz was behind the counter..“Where’s
Agatha?…”downstairs”…”tell her Nemo’s here”…Pause…She returns “Yeah you can go
back”..Clang Clang down the stairs…”NEMO!”…’AGATHA OHMY GAWD OHMYGAWD YOU HAVE
TO MEET JODY”...I had to practically drag her butt outta the car..she being so
intimidated by Pretty woman of the New York scene.. Sure she’ll tell ya
differently.. NOW…that she’s so inside the new survivor chatting about monkees
and designer babies…And for the life of me I don’t know why I didn’t call her
up when I was at the Gershwin Hotel again in January..Maybe I got tired of
playing the part of the rocknroll Jesus…Remember that time at the Luxor in
Vegas…Maybe I was looking for more than that simple “Nemo 19, this is Jodycat”
she purred on Chuck’s voice mail…Remember that time at the Trition Hotel…Of
course I never did have Holmstrom remove that buttnaked Parisian dive polaroid
of her from the High Times web-site…Despite the Memento message..some memories
are best not forgotten…Remember that time at Chez George..Remember that time at
Hotel 17..Remember that time at the Galaxy diner…Remember that time at The
Men’s Club..Remember that time..
“Quit shoving those shitty books under my door Phoneix”…He sings the
Waitresses “I know what boys like. Boys like Me”..Phoneix moves to the next
cell..”No beating your meat today huh”…”No”..”yeah you be strokin it. What
kinda magazines you got?”…“I don’t have any!”…I shout “ Gosh Phoneix your
boyfriends pissed”…”Shut up bitch”…Victoria enchanted garden with a moat…Having
a wife and not having a mistress is the hardest job in the world...okay being
Al Gore maybe the hardest… ABSSSOLUTELY…David Letterman…”why don’t you go fuck
yourself in the ass Phoneix. I’m trying to write something here that children
can read and your comments aren’t helping”…“Shut up bitch”…”It is ordered that the defendant be released from
King County Jail as follows ..upon posting of cash bail or bond in the amount
of $5000..Cash Only”…
San Francisco again ..Pizza stains..Tornado pints…Lonely Fourth of July
motorpsycho on Momma shag..Jody and I spent the festivities at this other
exotic dancer’s apartment...Her boy friend boy toy had been recently popped by
the Feds for hacking..Anchor Steam weed & a video..Fireworks…”Yeah maybe
fireworks”..after Burger Joint of course…Motoring along thinking can’t everyone
see we’re superstars. Or was it really just the spell The Chelsea cast..The
Leland…Hotel furnished with a huge fridge and a stove we never used, incense,
cigarettes, wireless email..we’re here now, Leiga…Susan now we’ re over
here..Victoria win a week in intriguing Istanbul..and I can’t say whether Joey
Ramone ever met Jody..She did have that other night life..She could have at
Irving Plaza..the Swans final show…Kim Gordon & Thurston Moore we’re
supposed to be there..I know cuz I was sitting in their empty VIP seats going “
Gosh this is boring. I wish Jody was here”..Building another dream castle in
the summertime..Crime story manhunter…releasing the fiend from within..Phoneix
goes “chim chim charoo”..mumbling about glistening fairies…”Shutup and write
your own shit I don’t need any help from you”..Joey was minus the other Ramones
..at first I thought it was Howard Stern leaning against this girl..drink in
hand ..Or it could have been that other time @the Plaza when I harshed on
D-Generation’s leadsinger during the Lunachicks’ gig...”hey why don’t you do
anything with African American bands. Why don’t you do something with
Fishbone?”…So I didn’t have anything to say to Mr 24 24 24 Hours Ago I wanna be
sedated
REWIND
Warren has been arrested 48 times in Seattle or at least that’s what he
tells me…He’s been locked down since January and won’t get out until
September…the whole summer inside…Beat fingertips on desk…can you hear the
sound…guess you had to be there…Haight St. ..Mission Tenderloin Golden Gate
Park Presidio Russian Hill Castro Convertible..Love Bug all inside…Biting
Tori’s behind…Freakazoid now lists bands from Seattle Weekly just given to him
by Guard..Boss Hog Lou Reed Bouncing Souls The Dwarves Mary Timony The Creed An
Evening With Ween…Using My Patent Pending Collect Call Cryptonomicon
Communicator I madlibbed Mike at The Stranger…
…OH HERE IT IS… “Tim Keck SUCKS…..”I’M ACHEAPO I’M A CHEAPO”… Call
Spelling Television. Tell Tori I love her”..Excuse me if my fortitude falters
at times..Its ruff being in love with a Phantom Lady…Reanimator Family man
Family Guy with a faster cooler internet…Think about The Future ..Babydoll
ferrari somewhere in L.A. ..Me at Pinks..hot dogs.. gotta make a call..Yes, I
have a cellphone again..One of those Global Things ..Izzzz there a problem?…
Tori I’m scared.
Where are you Nemo? It doesn’t sound like the office
This is my real office. That other place is window dressing.
Honey you said you loved the way I helped decorate
Babe I don’t wanna talk about that.
I know what you wanna talk about
Couldn’t we wait say five years cuz the Dad thing
Children screaming changing diapers has really got
Me on the ropes.
I guess you’re going down for the count cuz you
know I’m three months pregnant.
Oooh see its that word. Pregnant. They ban books
Right. Why can’t they ban words?
I’m calling Hillary
Nemo stop. We’ve had this talk so often I’m starting
To hear people have the same conversation with the
Same exact dialogue. You’ve got to stop thinking of the
Relationship with your family. This about us, the baby,
You and me.
Mom!
SlAAAAM KlLAAANG SLAAAM..what the hell is this..usually means breakfast
has been served…In this blue suit falsely accused..I feel like a slave a jew.
Ap.o.w…. prisoner of warring egos, ideologies, classes, climates and
zipcodes..it looks like today I may actually have to kiss Willie’s ass..hit the
buzzer…” Hello I’m writing this thing for Tori so can I please have my pencil
sharpened?”..and oh yeah before I can finish writing this sentence, several
pencils are thrown under the door..How’s that for service Babe…Of course last
night Willie asked me “how did you get in here anyway?…in this blue suit
falsely accused..I feel like a slave a Jew a P.O.W. SLAAAAM KLAAAANG SLAAAM
..the Nurse from Psych ..” How are you doing? Have you been to
court?”…”Yeah I’m going today.”…Do you expect to get out?”…”The Bail’s
$10,000”… “ For a blue suit that’s pretty high”..For absolute beginners ..Blue=
Misdemeanor…Red=Felony….. “How’s your mental condition” she asks…” I’m just
practicing to be a stinking rich
arrogant son of a bitch. Ya know nothing much”..And I remember last May
June or July
at Shorty’s in Belltown spending my last two dollars on Lucky Lagers
before heading to the Union Gospel Mission and the bottle caps read” Wait until
next year. You’ll go down in history” and I flashed them and a wicked smile at
Levi, the bartender…Warren is using his blanket as robe singing “ She’s a
Superfreak She’s a superfreak she’s
superfreaky”..
Hmmm Tori appears to be aquiring a whole new legion of fans…pounding at
the Gates Of Hell to “Get Out!”… Warren yells “ Some genius just tore up the
John Grisham book
It now begins at Chapter 13..
FASTFORWARD
Steve Martin a comedian barely alive..we have the technology..we can
rebuild him..The Jerk 2..Of course Gwenyth Paltrow may have his animaniac …Son
Of The Jerk..Whose gawdawful Godfather..The Jerk 3 ..is this stoned at the
Academy Awards Taxi driving Penquin. Twin to a Terminator nearing its end of
days..Now that was too groovy ..Oh Guard tell Victoria young and tender baby
vegetables in this light and Easy E recipe…Wait a minute feeling low..what to
do?..where to go lower.. I know I’ll rent Roxxane , L.A. Story and then The Man
With Two Brains..And Then..No and then ..And then..No and then…And then…No and
then..And then..”Dude Where’s My Car?”…Mosler MT 900..0 to 60 in 3.5
seconds..Dale growling again “ Fuck!
What are you doing in our head”…And after screaming “Mighty Mouse ” on the top
of my lungs for five minutes straight the Infinite Sadness closes in..Tears appear
.No tears cascade while I ponder how a guy who sed a few kind words to my
brother will never hear the love song I recorded for a woman I may never
meet..The impossibilities are frightening…The possibilities are
terrifying…Victoria meet Mr Heart Shaped
Box…
And that encounter with Joey Ramone might have been at The High Times
25th anni-versary party..Stoned Open Bar..Not Joey…Sperber and
me..And the only image I’m receiving is UGH Peter Bart trying to convince
Francis Ford Coppola to leave Zoetrope behind and direct a sequel to
Armageddon…I’m such a Life Planet…My Secret Romance with Ben Afflicted by too
much media money not enough of Bruce Willis’ talent…No Ben no..Not Demi
less..Demi Moore stealing Liv Tyler’s beauty with a hot iron and a jar of
acid…starring Chelsea Clinton, Richard Cook, Steve Jobs…special effects by
Industrial Light and Magic…”Johnson can convince a friggin nation of them
clueless spooks in L.A. to see any piece of shit we produce at his theaters
right? Otherwise how’d we let the Japs convince us to invest all that friggin
money. Get Dana Giachetto on the phone. Shit that’s right he’s in the cell next
to”…uhhmm..
Funny the more I recall my past relation-ships the more this wired one
with Tori suits me perfectly..Matter of
fact its The Ultimate Hollywood Relationship..Media Exposure with none of that
Boy Meets Girl…Boy Must Bend To Her World..Her Every Need…Her Every Desire..Her
Every Ache…Her Pain…Barkeep I say Barkeep May I have another? … Years of Go
Boy Geronimo has changed my favorite
Ramones song from “I Wanna Live”…to “ I don’t wanna be buried in a Pet
Cemetary. I don’t want to live my life again “…Pet Cemetary..ya know that
Stephen King thing. Stephen its seems Ms Tommy-knockers likes your
ShiningMiseryFirestarter so to speak…Well if Babydoll doesn’t like mine..For there
must come a day when Nemo 19 must die monster die..For the other guy to
arise..Yes if she seems hesitant to embrace me very Carrie journey to the mall
and multiplex I fear I shall have to flex my company card as the Reigning
Devil’s Advocate and plop plop whirrrrrrrrrrrrrr of the blender fiizzz fizzzz
oh what a Relief it is … and of corpse if the police ask silly me what
happened…I’ll simply turn up “The KKK Took My Baby Away”..SSSSSSSSSSMOKIN!
REWIND
And now the Itching Aura of The Mysterians has come to order…To give
you slopokes a visual…It’s the Fo’ever Beings, the Shonuff Beyonders…the Alien
Spliff from Channel Hero in tuxedos..ga ga goo goo…Does somebody know something
I don’t…ga ga goo goo…
What is it now Mr. 19?
I’m not trying to sound like a broken d.a.t.but that’s
Exactly the point or not the point. What is it now?
Just yesterday I envisioned myself sitting in the house
, the den, or the screening room..whatever.. And my
kidz are coming in from Little League practice. It’s
like shit what am I supposed to be
after all this. Some
Los Angeles The World According To Garp Prayer
For Owen Meany Hotel New Hampshire…all that
Groaning on the road alone to only end up
heating
Formula at 2am in the morning. Yes formula cuz no
Way Jose are those darn kidz gonna be cutting in on
My breastfeeding action..And then on top of that I
Wanted to be do the whole Hendrix Cobain trip.you
Know peak then pass out eternally and ya never know
That still may happen. Which
sounds ridiculous to
Some cause of course I’m past 27 now but heavens
To betsy.. Dreamcast Byron and all that..and now
How can I cut out just like
that. And musically.
Before I wanted this massive world tour gig but
After satisfying Tori I’ll barely have enough energy
To pour milk on my cornflakes. So I guess I’m gonna
Have to be this strictly studio Zappa and make in-
Frequent Tom Waites wizardry appearances. I mean
Its just a whole new ball game for me. How could I
Top all those impromptu performances in the streets,
Hostels, museums, concerts, hotels, and countries and
Uhmmm okay Itching Aura Of The
Mysterians you
Can go back to whatever it is you’re doing I think I’m
Working this all out on my own.
Why how considerate of you Mr 19 we were
realigning
The planets in the Reeb Galaxy before impending doom
Befell the inhabitants but anytime you want to interrupt
This Higher Authority with
remarks on child rearing,
Your career and Tom Robbins lack of fashion sense
Please feel free.
Peer outside my cell outside my cell..gangsta girls in red…Puerto
Rican…Damn, I’m a pussy…Pony tailed guy outside my cell asking the guards “Can
I have some soap and toothpaste” for the last ten minutes..I jump up “Here man
have this. I didn’t use it” .. He ignores me..of course last night Willie asked
“How did you get in here anyway?”. “I asked this kid at Green Cat Café for a
cigarette and he was rude”..And I said “Don’t be rude to me. Don’t fuck with
me.”..”Yeah well just leave or we’ll call the cops”..”Go ahead call the fucking
cops”..”Just be cool”…”Im sick of being cool”.. .911. I yell into the
receiver…’THIS IS NEMO 19 AND EVERBODY WANTS TO GIVE ME SHIT…Minutes later the
squad car pulls up. Its that redheaded bitch again..”Hands on the hood”…”You
know I’m supposed to get married to Tori Spelling. Why are you hassling
me?”..”Everybody gets in trouble. Spread your feet wider”…”Hey he started it.
Why aren’t you doing anything to him? ”...”Cause you know better. Now I want
you to stay stay right here with your hands on the hood. Don’t move while the other
officer checks this out. Understand?”…”Yeah”…The officer returns “Its an
adam”..”okay put your hands behind your back. You’re under arrest for
assault”…”Assault? I didn’t hit anybody I just yelled”…”You said you wanted to
be infamous”..And then realizing it was a complete set up as I saw the SPD blue
Paddywagon purr up…I COMPLETELY FREAKED!..Ask the Olive Way residents for the
powerpacked play by play..
Rewind
This one I call Riverview Hotel
All I ever wanted was to rocknrolla
Big Mistake
All I ever wanted was to riptheroada
Big Mistake
All I ever wanted was to kiss Winona
FastForward
And you can call me an industry kissass but I knew there was something
different about Sophia Coppola in Godfather 3..People kept saying it was her
acting…Atrocious and maybe it was in that cinematic force of nature..I can’t
say..She needed the right material at the right time and I could totally be off
the mark because I haven’t had time to vizz The Virgin Suicides..but I did
catch the last episode of 90210..What’s that Rolling Stone song about wild
horses?..And I saw Tori..and she seemed outta place at times because in my
opinion she was beyond that and I kinda felt this primal urge that I could whip
that girl into shape…Yeah she’s gonna give me scenes, great scenes, and I was
thoroughly convinced when Tori Madonna’d those wedding vows…No, I didn’t
cry..Try the biggest shit eating grin ever…oh yeah that’s my girl…I’m gonna get
me more of that cuz if you 86 the cyberpunk howling wolf ..underneath is the
1939 Howard Hughes Hollywood Mogul And Make Ropa Dopa Cooler Than Coppola…Black
cat’s outta the bag…
Judge Levison has declared me incompetent to enter a plea so I have to
do 25 days at Western State…She asked me what I intended to do in L.A…I said
“Marry Tori Spelling . Though she might not want to after she reads this thing
I’m writing her from jail”…And then she asked me how I was gonna support
myself..FUCK THE LIVING DAYLIGHTS OUTTA BABYDOLL WHAT ELSE?.. then I told her
basically what you already know..
The sobering fact was I was saying this in front of all these other
adults..I mean I guess I’m one..I don’t know..doesn’t feel like it..ever…and no
one was laughing at me or calling it a half baked scheme or dreamer or any of
those bazillion labels me and my Frankenmind have aquired over the years..
Everyone tries to make like it’s the medicine that’s calmed me down..and I’m
sure the pink pills are helping but maybe cuz I don’t have so many people
telling me how they’re cutting me such big favors..YEAH NEMO I THOUGHT ABOUT
GIVING YOU A SNICKERS MINATURE, CAN I HAVE A MOVIE DEAL…YEAH NEMO I SNARLED AT
YOU CAN I GET MY BOOK PUBLISHED?..
SLAM KLANG SSSSSSLAAAM..what the hell is this..usually means breakfast
has been served…outside its pouring cats&dogs…darkly poetic that something
like this would moon shadow my move to Western State..like the hurricane that
accompanied Jody and I’s move to the Chelsea…I WONDER IF ANBODY BESIDES
CELESTIAL BEINGS EVERY FULLY PAYS ATTENTION TO THE EVENTS UNFOLDING IN MY
SO-CALLED LIFE…Lone Wolf Mr Furious..Anger escalating…Anger rising..Winter of
97
Visting Vandervloed in Oxford Depot…Outside shoveling snow in my
Batbutt leather pants..Waiting for a call I knew would never come…Where is
she?..NYC…Hiroya the young Asian painter
runnin out of the Chelsea into the Art Supplies place…”Nemo, Nemo Victor
sez you killed your girlfriend. Did you kill Jody?”…”Give me a break
man”…”Where is she?”…I don’t know”…
Pissed I’m so fucking pissed at Olive Oil, Popeye, Sweepea, Wimpy. Brutus,
Castor Oil, edgar fucking segar..I wanna eat spinach and see me muscles rocket
like atombombs manhattan project..Robin Willams at least got to wear the
costume…A Paramount Pictures Touchstone Production…I got to watch…Barely..I
stole the fotonovel.. Hear the splinksplink of handcuffs…”turn around you’re
going to court”..I shout for Warren..No response..I told him yesterday…”Man if
this place had uniforms like The Shawshank Redemption and you could smoke. I
wouldn’t go anywhere. I’d sit here and write”. No instead we have this
gawdawful poly cotton florida pantsuits blend..Guess ya gotta go to prison to
get the good stuff…Warren shrieks some nonsense …Then passes me 4 iced ginger
cookies wrapped in a kike that reads “I just found a novel by John Grisham
almost completely shredded. Maybe you should give these people something other
than a fine piece of literature to eat. We don’t get many Grisham books here.
I’ve got a Time Magazine in my cell that they might find more tasty perhaps”
A Touchstone Paramount Pictures production…I got to watch…Barely..I
stole the foto-novel…STEAL THIS BOOK.. Probably not the one Abbie Hoffman had
in mind.. Lifted Popeye from a Caldor’s in Norwalk. Ct…A candy bar too..Did I
say lifted as if this was a crime..No..Liberated..for it was an essential
ingredient needed for the Super Secret Recipes in my Mad Lab..How else could I
one day explain to Tori my Southern Califor-nia South China Seas…Big Blue
Jetpacked Pirate Ships toe tapping of the coasts of Highly Intelligent Rattling
Rain…Planning ahead to razzmatazz junkbond bondage Russian babes..…before
embarking to where the hell is John Carter of Mars…sharing
Pints of Guiness with Tarzan…SHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESH..THIS SUMMER ITS
NOT THE SAME OLD BULL…Baby Baby look whose talking…Look whose Daddy’s lil
girl…And maybe its all this romancing the alone…but tears are forming ..I’m
unhappy
I’d like to make some one happy..TORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRI….Comicbook
…I need a comic book…a unique one that freaks out at Blockbuster Video
when you tell it..”Only one rental from the Cult Movies section this time”.. A
comic book with a huge expansive closet that circles the Earth twice filled
with ballerina slippers hidden from the 3 musketteers…Store your pain and
misery in me kinda comic book…and I won’t mind..
I’ll still be your friend…Yeah I’ve heard its developed big lizard in
the backyard of Error! Bookmark not defined. though Lucasfilm will
probably lightsaber the Altec Lansing…The rain has stopped…so have the tears…
to be continued…
FASTFORWARD
“Hey Phoneix pretend you life’s a t.v. show. You’ve just been
canceled”...”Shutup bitch”…”You’re the equivalent of CBS. Very shitty
programming”…”What’s the name of the show?”…”Riverous Phoneix Gone Disney…No, No,
better yet I’ll organize a Beverly Hills 90210 reunion”…”Shutup bitch”…”Add a
gay character who’ll get gang raped by the football team. Not only will he die
but the team will get away scottfree and give Oliver Stone a hard-on. Talk
about ratings thru the roof”….”Shutup bitch”…Maximus Oh Maximus will you screw
us…Hush now ladies…I am no longer a gladiator…I am a Princeton man…The Guard
asks why am I yelling…”Cuz I eventually have to get married”.. How about this
for an early morning pick me up…”Dale will you kindly tell the voices in your
head to bother you another time. I’m trying to sleep”..”Okay I’ll be
quiet”…”Thank you”… Phoneix slides the National Geographic Expeditions under
the door..”Wakeup bitch!”…He asks “Outta all the places you could be right now
where would you wanna be?”..Instantly since its Saturday is the sky wide open I
visualize driving with Babydoll but I mumble instead “ I don’t know. I really
don’t know”…Lama
Lama leg of lamb…The Golden Child Warren has been moved to this cell
block..remem
Ber Warren…Probably not…desiring for this episode to be forgotten..and
phase with Kitty Pride to Xavier’s school for the gifted and talented..X-men
report to The Danger Room…Danger Will Robinson…yet the soundbite that haunts me
continually is Mallory
Shrieking ..”There’s No Escaping Here!”
REWIND
Warren shouts “I’m being evasive not belligerent Nemo 19”..I
smile..”hey man I’m making you famous. Tori’s gonna read this.”…He scurries
around piling up foodtrays on the tables for the trustees…I always swear hey
man I’m gonna be a racist..I hate white people…though of course I’m in love
with a woman of that genetic defect..and of course an incarcerated Grizzly
Adams brightens my day..Go figure skate…Iced Mocha..Wasn’t that a movie with
Denzel Washington and Courtney Love..I swear I saw an ad for an Advanced
Screening in The Stranger…Puff the Magic Dragon…”Man as soon as I’m outta here
its straight to L.A. and right over to Spelling Entertainment”…Warren asks
“What if they arrest you?”…”Nobody’s
gonna arrest me in L.A. They better not. Shit I’ll be glad to scream on
the top of my lungs in the Beverly Hills Police Department. YEAH I CAME DOWN
HERE TO MARRY THIS BITCH AND HER PEOPLE HAD ME ARRESTED! I’ll call Chrissy and
Steve before I even head down there”..I look out the window and across the
highway and spot a coupla guys camping underneath and right now I’m not too
sure whose future is more secure...First off as anyone whose successfully
graduated from Kindergarten knows NOTHING IS SECURE…I’m kinda losing the
imagery to bring you under my spell…Willy is being evil..”that guy always needs
his pencils sharpened” and as I told the big bald COON guard “ Considering who
I am I’m sick of saying please and thank you. Go ahead powertrip on me. That’s
a real smart move”…doing a heroine eatin m&ms sodypop…Joan of Noah’s Arc
covenant again..”willy why are you fuckin with me man”..he hands me the
pencils…”Thanks a lot”…”Alright”…Pause..Nicotine
cravings...osssssssssssssssssssscilating screams converge in one spot …Kid Eternity
rides the vortex once again…Garden..Letter on silver platter…
Babydoll
You looked
so beautiful yesterday on the boardwalk in Santa
Monica. Did
I say beautiful? Squeeze a babble on and on
Stunning in
front of that. I know this is such a horrendous
Fanboy
analogy to make. Blame Chuck Swaim Its good karma
But seeing
you there was a tremendous out of body experience as
If my
Enterprise had engaged in a new universe of complex
machinery
adrift in Schmoo..Yes that sounds good. No wonder
you married
me. I’m the quintesential bullshitter and I would
have aced
Senior English if Gallaghany hadn’t disagreed with
my
sunglasses and Billy Idol motorcycle gloves. Anyway
Daisy Mae,
Lil Abner has new plans for the citizens of Dog
patch’s
entertainment pleasure. You know how bang zoom to
the Moon I
get so I’m sure you never for one moment took
seriously my
idea of turning Those Darn Kidz into a fullforce
studio to
compete with Warner Bros. Oh sure I’d love to put
Dreamworks
and Disney completely out of business but I wont
let my petty
squabbles with The Billionaire Boys Club ruin our
our vision
of making highspirited hijinks. I figure TDKZ
would be
this boutique production company/literary chitty chitty
bang bang.
Start out by releasing one or two pictures a year
.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAh a killer is loose…The long haired psycho Aerosmith
beachboy is peering into my cell..AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAh…Wish I had a few pieces of
C-C-Cutlery…Funny as I gaze at this page I had a quesy sense of deja voodoo…
With a book
tie in..a deluxe format like The Novel…expanding
Over the years to four maybe
five..Then again not every movie
Has to
have a book. I remember in an email I sexpistoled to you
And half
the world that it would be awesome to have some super
Exotic kung fu martial arts dude
out there…hookin in this super-
Natural
twist and yeah those Matrix boys think they’re so slick
Shooting
the sequels back to back…Spielberg did that with Back
To The Future 2 and Three…and hey it started with
Superman.
Mario
Puzo came in and gave The Salkinds this 500 pound script.
That’s
the ticket. Right off the top of my friggin head. His name
Is VETTE and the friggin movies’ name is guess
what VETTE.
I’ll sit
down here at the office and work with the dreamteam of
Darius
James and Quentin Tarentino and kick out the MC5jams
…It’ll be a trilogy so we shoot this bible of a
script. Maybe in
Hong Kong
…BAAAM BAAAM slice that bitch into a 3 part
Saturday
afternoon matinee with a force no Jedi Knight has
mastered before. Gosh I sound like
The Weinsteins TalkMaga-
Zine Tina
Brown..Good thing I started this missive off by
Calling
you a new universe of complex machinery adrift in
Schmoo…LOVE YOU…
SLAAAAAM KLANG BLAAAAAM..chew on licorice…already has breakfast…Ten
whole days here already and another 18 to go…Man if Judge Levinson doesn’t
release me on the 15th I don’t know which gasket I’ll blow…probably
all of them..maybe Aaron should come down that Holmby Hill and talk to his
wayward people if you catch my drift…This should be definitely filed under
persecution..cruel and unusual punishment..
“had a visit from Reverend Barry and his wife” Warren sez…”They’re
Jehovah’s Witnesses”…”Really so are my parents”…wow all my pencils are
sharpened..on the in-side looking out…is what it means to me…or at least it
did..There was so much damage to me rocknroll enviroment after proposing cuz I
realized YA MEAN I’M HEADED TO BARELY LEGAL PERFECT 10 LAND AND I’LL BE
HITCHED..so busy I won’t have time to windowshop..surveying the highwaysquintin
…I’m a firestarter twister firestarter telekinetic prodigy…KAAABLOOEY…
I was only dreaming.
I was
only trying to catch your eye.
The closest I can think of any character from a John Hughes film
besides the crooks that landed in the slammer was Jim Dodge in Career
Opportunities…Oh wait no I take that back…the Judd Nelson tough in Breakfast
Club…The Bradybunch of em are serving detention and he gets locked in the
closet by the gym teacher for mouthing off…Jim Dodge was one of my many email
addresses cuz I dug the whole fact that this showoff brainiac stuck in a
suburban sit home & rot scores the babe and heads to L.A….Yadda Yadda Hey
Momma we’ve been thru this before..time for a Fractured Fairy Tale..But first a
word from our sponsor TORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRI…
BOOBERRY JAM ON GHOSTIE TOAST
Jiggaboo Bouregard spook had no
Regard for other people’s money
He spent and spent til it was all spent
And startrooped thru town as if this was funny
He made surprise visits when you were
Havin tea…Borrowed your Ferris Wheel
When embarking for France
Played nothing but Dukes Of Hazzard on the telly
Smelly unshaven he’d kidnap girls to dance
Some minimum wage new wave no chance
Amongst the forbidden computer monitors in
Central City speakeasy. And of course Jigaboo
Could go on a lark and do what he liked
For he was a ghost with no guidance always
The boaster…a freeloadin overgrown tyke
Squattin in The Writer Guy’s toaster
SLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAM KLANG SLAAAAAAAAAAAAAM. Spent my hour out gazin
out the window on the far side of the tank…and who should go strolling by All
City Bonds…None other than Brett Fetzer..He sez he’s a playwright or at least
that’s his excuse for not having a regular job…Psychic wail…WHY DON’TCA BAIL ME
OUTTA HERE FUCKER…Chuck’s on line..no way to get thru…and noone’s picking up at
Seattle Weekly…Brenda Bow wow wow I want some candy…Gee hope Tori’s mom doesn’t
get the wrong idea…Boom Boom..Chow’s up..afternoon nap which really consisted
of a few nods and zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz and mainly feeling sorry for himself The
Author is inspired to rise from the off color puke green mat and scribble the
bottom is as bad as the top…yes I’m reminicing about Paris…speeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed
racer racer x it from Terminal Detroit High…Tremendous motion crazy clean…as I
stood in front of the window..Hair just cut…having bought a Harris Tweed with
notes americanexpressed by Dad…Ten francs for a tart and I didn’t have it to
spare..what change was left I needed for the Metro..Had endured the night with
Laura…A Sarah Lawrence situation front equipment not so prominent but man could
she kiss…why did I rarely ask the women I slept with for money…Guess I did at times
and Laura’s drowning pool was over-shadowed
by her houseschoolbitchmate Dodi…doin a heroine eating m&ms sody-pop
Moaning about going to Morroco with Mummy for Christmas…though…why can’t I be
seen with you…Strawberry tart…ten francs and I had missed one plane and
couldn’t afford to miss another…so I freezeframed the confection in my
electronic star section…And from time to time I separate its H.P. from the rest
of me Lovecraft and take a bite..
Writer Guy wasn’t all that right on time
His novels were crap and his poetry never sold
But bold as love his persistence was divine
Jiggaboo Spook and him weren’t really friends
More like sinners waiting for spiritual healing
To descend…declare them saints and to the next
Galaxy send. Though Writer Guy knew Jigaboo
Had a thing or two for scoring chicks girls babes
Reekin of piss & vinegar and still getting laid
Lines like “It’s 3:15 I’m The Lizard King I can
Do anything” That’s why he let Jigaboo Gestapo
His toaster…It was either that or jackoff to his
Decaying Charlie’s Angels poster.
I suppose if Nelson Mandela could handle a billion year lockdown in
South Africa..Mumia is still held captive in Philadelphia and the only way
Malcolm X got to Hollywood was thru the eyes of Spike Lee I suppose Mr Media
Mogul can endure no visits no pussy no comissary…uh-huh I’ve just lost sight of
the yellow brick road cuz the word on the street is Emerald City ain’t so grass
is greener on the other side of the fence.
Diesel come on give me a fair price…look at dem jewels..look at da way
they sparkle..
Hey man can you pass me that paper…yeah that one..slip it under the
door…wuddaya know..The Stranger…Home Of The Psuedo Intellectuals
Jackasses..Free Every Thurs-day…Vol 9 No 35 May 18-24…Please Accept Our Full
Color Apolgies…Brett Fetzer the theater director?…No wonder he was walking
around so friggin clueless…I’m disappointed at having missed Sherman Alexie,
the author of Smoke Signals read The Toughest Indian In The World..but me I had
a virtual date on the 17th…There’s the demonic JJ in the next cell
wailing…” WHOA NIGGA HEY NIGGA NIGGA NIGGA SHIT NIGGA OH SHIT NIGGA YOU CAN’T
FUCK WITH THIS NIGGA….Warren slamming on the wall…”Bitch!”…YOU MUTHAFUCKAS NEED
TO START FEEDING ME MORE THAT’S RIGHT..NIGGA NIGGA NIGGA…”Bitch!” “THAT’S RIGHT
WHERE THE FUCK YOU COMIN FROM NIGGA WHOA NIGGA”Hit the buzzer…” Okay I should
win the Pulitzer Prize for this one..Oh that’s right I know Courtney Pulitzer.
Aren’t I a lucky boy”…Rewind…HollywoodNoSuicide…Where’s Courtney?: Expect The
World New York Times Online Junk Junk Junkie…Valentines’ Day…Inside Le Gamin
Café..Chocolate Banana crepe..coffee..85 dollars on my wallet…Dropped my stuff
of at Holmstrom’s…It’s obvious I’m not welcome at High Times anymore…I signed
in as Jimi Cobain…My company…Satan Inc. Of course…Wandering around Soho..Hmmm
what about that cyberpunkrock squat at The Guggenheim… hmmm...Wandering around
Soho…Do you know where MacDougal St. is?…HEY COURTNEY…I’ve got you a
present..My boohoohooboo in Jack’s blues…Wanna be my valentine…The CyberScene
51 MacDougal St Suite #406…It’s a p.o. box in a Mom and ..Pop sez “ Give it to
me. I’ll put in just like that”…On the payphone ..Courtney is in London until
the 22nd or something..Hmmm this would be interesting if I flew over
there looking for my girl..Jackson Five 123 Back to your heart…Leigh the blonde
girl behind me..” Wanna write in my book?”..She draws Success Is A Journey Not
A Destination. Well I’m tired of the voyage. I wanna arrive..MI:2 The Real
World…Tom Cruise Can Kiss All Of My Black Ass…LIGHTS OUT
FASTFORWARD
Totally lost it after court Judge Pinhead told me they were sending me
to Western State again…”What’s wrong” asked the guard…”What’s wrong what’s wrong
I’m missing The Cannes Film Festival. Tori’s gonna be there. That’s whats
wrong!”..BOOM BOOM I kick on the door…”I wanted to make love to Tori in the
south of France but NOOOOO”
BOOM BOOM “ Gawddamn stupid jealous fuckin whiteboys. I’ll tell ya one
thing after this fuckin shit Nemo 19’s packin just like Puff Daddy”..BOOM BOOM.
Though of course inside Captain Kangaroo Court I slowly realized I was gonna
have to Nelson Mandela Nelson Mandela cuz me spidey sense told me my socalled
Public Defender was anything but an extra from The Sting..Repeat after me
children..Con Artist…He hadn’t suponead
Tim at The Stranger, or Brenda at Seattle Weekly Because well Brass
Monkey
Threw the finger at the rulers of Animal Farm…Oink Oink…Want some
Korn..Oink Oink…and it didn’t help at all to boast “ I’m sending this to Alan
Macdonnell at Hustler and Larry Flynt will publish it verbatim”…”What’s wrong
what’s wrong I wanted to make love to Tori in the South Of France but
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.. BOOM BOOM…And since I’m pleading not guilty I might not get
outta King County until July
BOOM BOOM…If I’m lucky…But if Babydoll and I are together as long as I
hope we will…well there will be plenty of film festivals and movie premieres to
attend…And geez there’s only one time to make this Titanic…Though if Judge
Levison and her stupid bunch are holding me knowing I’m supposed to Edward
Scissorhands Not Basquiat miss Cannes
for Variety, know that I love Tori. Come on what kinda justice am I gonna get
from John Public?…Hey I might get some but I’m really not in the mood to put it
to the test..What’s that scripture say?.. Put your faith in no man…And to be
completely honest after learning Jennie Garth
got married in Santa Monica and Tori was there with Vincent Young and
the rest of the 90210 crew…and I didn’t get an invite…just more bullshit from
Spelling UnEntertainingment…Let her go it alone…and maybe completely outta my life
REWIND
No SLAAAAAAAAAAAAAM KLANG SLAAAAAAAAAM ..Female voice “Chow’s Up”…Smash
hit all over the world…”there’s no reason to begin, until she comes again”- The
Psychdelic Furs…Smash hit all over the world…Good thing I never got to a phone
last night…One solid cry of “CANCEL WEDDING”…the stormtroopers came and took
Warren away. ..” You’re getting a transfer”…He wouldn’t shut the fuck up…I’m
not entirely positive but I think he shit in his cell…Willie and the other
trustees paid a mop & glow Mr. Clean…The Tank’s new Rasputin circling the
bench mumbling “ the holy scriptures never said you had a ring to become man
& wife. Adam & Eve didn’t have a ring. Revelations only God knows the
appointed hour”…Hmmmmmmmmmm Screwy Rabbit..Hit the buzzer…”Did you hear that
sound? Paul Allen choking on his vomit”..
“yes Sir?”…”So you heard that sound Paul Allen choking on his vomit” …”Okay”..
There’s no reason to begin until she comes again…Smash hit all over the world…I
can’t see why Tori and I can’t get married on the 23rd the same day
as the opening of The Experience Music Project…What’s more important than two
people exchanging vows to love one another until Death do them part compared to
a buncha preenin peacocks riding a dead nigga’s train..I’m sorry Mr Storyopolis
but I feel The Spirit In The Sky is
gonna cast a vote in our direction…EAT SHIT AND DIE.. .FEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
EEEEEEEEEEDBACK...FEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEE EEEEE DBACK…
Oh yeah just lost it over having my pencils sharpened…Willie said he’d
take care of it which I believed…”Warren had crud all over his cell, koolaid,
piss, he even had mud. It wasn’t a cell man .it was a cave”…yet the flow of the
electroflow isgoin and the rrrrrush of images and words and emotions…and my
pencils aren’t sharpened..hit the buzzer”
Can I have my pencils sharpened?”…No response…again…and I start thinkin
how Howard Hughes appeared on the Hollywood Scene and he was treated well like
a fuckin nigger and here I’m about to..BAAAM BAAAM “ CAN I HAVE MY PENCILS
SHARPENED?”..BAAAAM BAAAM ..The Guard sqwaks”What’s up. I have work to do .
You’re not the center of The Universe”…’ OH YES I AM I GUESS YOU HAVENT READ
THE MANUSCRIPT..HOW I’VE TAKEN ALL THIS ABUSE FOR MORE THAN 13 YEARS AND HERE
I’M IN JAIL FOR A CRIME I DIDN’T COMMIT AND I’M WRITING THIS THING FOR TORI BUT
I CAN’T REALLY DO THAT IF MY PENCILS AREN’T SHARPENED. IT’S A VERY SIMPLE
REQUEST” And I shut up and shake my head ..Naah Naah as soon as I get my hour
out I’m gonna call the attorney Carl Luer and tell him I can’t…I can’t get
married I can’t raise children in a screwed up world like this. Tori will have
to understand and I’m sitting on my bunk..and gazing at the highway…exhausted,
spent…Guard at the window..”here’s a coupla pencils”.. I give him a quiet
“Thank you”…and in five minutes I’m scribbling scribbling scribble and I’ll
call and won’t say what I was gonna say and I’m crying cuz I just don’t wanna
play superhero anymore…its time I did something for me but they just won’t let
me do it cuz it’ll be my last
performance @ burningman.com,…The old saying is what doesn’t kill you makes
one stronger though I’m here to tell ya that ain’t necesaryily so. Don’t
believe me…ASK KURT…
Murray it’s the strangest thing I was watching the Barbara Walters
special..Its was with Tori Spelling and that weird husband of hers Nemo 19…and they were in their new Tribeca
coop the one John F Kennedy Jr and his wife Caroline owned…talking about some
new Those Darn Kidz production and then SZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZTHWAAP!
“Yo behinds be in da instellar underworld late late show Tick Tock
Tacky hosted by the mackinest galactic pimp Big Daddy Black
Yo Yo Yo what it is what it is. Do ya dig?
What it is.
Rrrrrright. Glad y’all could make it.
Nothin sez lovin like stove
top stuffing and bein
Beamed in the middle of nowhere.
I think I’ve been here before.
Tori now’s not the time for retelling your
Off world escapades
Now wait a minute bruthman. Now that’s
where you be wrong. This is Tick Tock Tacky
The joint produced by pimps for
pimps and
weez wants to know what kinda game y’all
Got going on and she’s the ho in the know.
Shutdaafuckup nigga I’m talking to the lady here.
(standing up with a musical quik change)
Its not just freaky its diabolical.
Madcap
shivering shrieky
Its
hocus pocus and Aladdins lamp
Phantom
zoned by Terence Stamp
Gasflamed and cookie sheet hell
In an
ominous Taco Bell
Solarpowered Superhour
Ambient glistening stealth
Rah rah
razor blade who gives good
BIG
DADDY BLACK leans forward and licks his lips
Health
SZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZthwaap!
“there’s
no reason to begin until she comes again”…two hours before lunch and some-thing
tells me Flea, Anthony, John, Chad, aren’t gonna bail me out…HEY GUYS WHAT
ABOUT THAT ‘FIGHT LIKE A BRAVE, DON’T BE A SLAVE”..Mother’s got milk..
uh-uhh
first choice food products…Phoned Chuck..he’ll still be in town til the 24th..
his Mom’s visting from Pittsburgh…Suggested bringing her to Motorhead,
Nashville Pussy,
Fu
Manchu, Speed Dealer show at The Showbox..or in the very least the Seattle
Inter-national Film Festival
If she’s into that kinda thing. Are you in a
Padded cell?
No Chuck I’m not in a padded cell..though maybe I should be considering…considering what?…considering what?..considering this is Jimi In A Victorian
CHUCK
Victoria
NEMO
No Jimi In A Victorian Jackson 5 Nexus 6
Chuck mentioned J.R. telling him to MP3 upload who the hell knows tracks onto Internet Radio Stations…We’re really out there.
NEMO
And get that video from Conan Gale the dickhead
At Getty Images. Melody Rockwell’s in it to the
One who did me on the hostel roof in Paris
CHUCK
Are you getting any in it?
NEMO
No we kept our clothes on.
CHUCK
AaaaaaaaaaHHHHHHH
It was friggin how to eat fried worms freaky styley how Melody and I delusioned the dela soul last summer…I was escaping from the metaphysical library.. Me Frankenmind lust- ing to see a Pretty Woman when around the corner WHAMMO!…Melody…We hadn’t seen each other in 4 years and I was totally blah blah blah blah.Before the shoot at Conan’s I visited her apartment on Capital Hill…and I tell ya it was awkward. A grown-up Melrose Place meckaleckahineyho and I told her” I’m gonna get that Visionaire Vantage Jet and everything else BECAUSE NOBODY EXPECTS ME TO GET IT” …Meldoy sipped her tea “ You’ll get it. You’ll get it”…and I suppose we could have made love..its not like we had anything else on the agenda that afternoon..its not like we didn’t know each other…It’s not like we didn’t know this was gonna be written about… It’s not like we didn’t know all of you were gonna be willing to pay the price and read about us…all of us..within this unnatural phenomenon abomination…Melody Melody more sweeter than 75…Mailer demon…Mailer demon…Savage Dannon Yogurt…lips moistened by peach..
”there’s no reason to begin until she comes again”…See Plymouth Prowler speeding silver yet not a convertible…THIS SUMMER ITS NOT THE SAME OLD BULL…Oingo Boingo forget the lyrics…all of a sudden me flame on is flooded by Pacific Coast Highway sandiego natalie wood james dean sal mineo… Rebel without a cause…Giant westsidestory east of eden…Not the mama..Prague German siggyret..No wrong episode…Nictotine withdrawal…Deputy Dawg done gone and served up that’s incredible but the Eggman in Paul’ s Boutigue is no longer edible…Magical world of Disney…Honest mom Tiffany was highplains driftin in Dracula’s castle…one of the most erotic images I can conjur before motionless magnifying glass is …Driving… Girlfriend in shorts..bare feet on dassssssssssssssssh…and I can’t get past that Hole..Malibu…Driving…Girlfriend in shorts..bare feet on dash..OH SHIT NIGGA HA HA SHIT HA HA SHIT…Monotone mutterings pacing the outer cell…SHIT OH SHIT
OH SHIT HA HA SHIT …Monotone muttering can’t stay in jail; fucker..He’s whisssssssss whissssssssss whisssssssssspering now…Busssssss bussss Buddhist…Blood driving in Blood…That spot in Brooklyn across from Manhattan…Aren’t they all.. Can’t go to jail…and Jody and I’s apartment was small in a brick building above a Spanish bodega…and I parked Blood out in front…Black exterior…Red sexterior… directly across from the church..And they must have thought Blood was the Devil’s motor city…What might receive a glance at the Sidewalk Café on Avenue A..Received hush whispers and looks of concerns…El Diablo..in my dream last night…Girl Urban town smiling “ Are you Satanists?”…Didn’t think so but now you mention it.. El Diablo …and I did my best not to be so cocky and buy rice & beans…rice & beans & yahoo…Because I had gone beyond trying to be beat…BEAT WAS/IS ME..Congratulations… Here’s your pass go directly to jail…
FASTFOWARD
The problem is I’ve been THERE…for quite sometime..since I was a kid…And where is THERE…You ask…RIGHT HERE I AM AGAIN. ENTERTAIN ME…but being here talking about THERE..means somehow controling painful nothingness…That is heightened by the unpredictability of every day life..without the physical affection of a woman I without a doubt know I love…And another one of Tori’s bithdays will go by.. May the 16th another one that I’ll miss) Though I’m positive her friends and family will make it special. Haven’t they always…I mean who am I anyway but a village idiot reaching for the stars…trying his best to collect them in a shopping cart before the heavens swallow them whole again… And being here talking about THERE means somehow trying to explain the emotions that invaded me on April 3rd..after watching Gladiator again...The Cinerama screen bellowing “ ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAIN-ED!”..Is this Death and my suffering satisfying the beasts within the seething mob…while I’m thinking…OH MY GOD TORI I CAN’T LET PEOPLE DOWN THOSE WHO DON’T KNOW BUT SHOULD WHO MIGHT BE INSPIRED WHO WILL LOVE THIS IMPOSSIBLE LOVE MADE REALITY AND I HAVE T O RISE ABOVE THOSE BACKSTABBING IDIOTS OH MY GAWD IS SOME ONE TALKING.FUCK I NEED A SCREENING ROOM..FUCK THIS IS RIDICULOUS...” exiting the theater afterwards..entering a hotel bar devastated with what at that time seemed like the truth..” Oh my gawd you know Ridley Scott didn’t win The Oscar for Best Director cuz I sent this thing down to Spelling Entertainment last year how he was my favorite director and wanted him to WORD ZOINKS! With Tori and Me” and the waitress immediately went and got Security “He’s harassing the customers talking about Hollywood. You know noone cares about that here”..He turned to me “ Do you wanna see the manager?”…Perplexed cuz all I wanted was a drink to go no place like home. I sneered “ Sir Issac Newton..Harvard University Press. Read a book some-time”..and trudged up the hill to the Paramount Hotel ..Dragonfish is crowded.. and “No Happy Hour’s over at 7”..trudge trudge up the hill…I gotta getta drink..I gotta getta drink…Cha Cha’s…Open the door for Faith…she smiles “Thank You”… dropped my sports utility bag down…”Oh fuck I lost that Tommy Hilfiger sweater hoodie on the way up”…trudge trudge back down…Nope I ain’t gonna find it…Trudge Trudge up the Hill..Re-enter the bar and before I can ask for a simple pint I hear The Girly Stud say “You need to leave” and THERE at that moment. I surrendered my humankind to the Over- mind..The seething took control and where is THERE.. RIGHT HERE I AM AGAIN, ENTERTAIN ME..
REWIND
All’s quiet on The Western Family Front…Dinner has been served…wasn’t I new musical expressing myself about rice& beans& yahoo..and one of those many nights when I was phonin down…could ya put more beans in there maam?..well ya gave me more last time..one of those many nights Jody did Her Centerfold dating Creature From The Black Lagoon Thundercats and I had nothing but time to read Tank Girl X-Men Judge Dredd White Trash Batman Mister X Flaming Carrot Mr Monster…Building a dimensional spheres for Our Altar Of NewTechnology…”there’s no reason to begin until she comes again”…it wouldn’t be until three or four in the morning and I’d hear the
SLAAAM of the Yellow Cab door
JODY
Fuck you motherfucker
CLOMP CLOMP CLOMP and knew my girl was safe..stronger than me actually cuz Reality descended upon me and exaggerated my angst with shattered blow to bits leaving me no choice but to read WildCats Pinky & The Brain Wonder Woman American Flagg Thick Black Kiss… and one evening after..could you put more beans in there maam..well ya gave more last time.. fiddling on my Powerbook and found a program document what have you for a newsletter…hmmmm…Phone call to Darius.James.
DARIUS.
Sure man the people that put those things together
Usually get more attention then the people writing
For it.
Recalled a brief moment in the Wallingford Wall Of Time…Hmm..wuddayaknow… the niggers write…and I hear the SLAAAAAAM! Of the Yellow Cab door..
JODY
Fuck you motherfucker
CLOMP CLOMP CLOMP…”Jody what do you think of Goo Goo Muck”..”what is it baby? Sorry I’m exhausted. What is it?…”Wuddayathink of Goo Goo Muck”.. Author pauses as he realizes his ex and he are dyed in the wool ROCK AND ROLL TO THE SOUL..and hopes Tori won’t get upset as portable lower eastside easy streets on.. The full Monty Python Piranha..sharks all of them sharks..excuse me pardon me as I quickly place in the receptacle the rememory of Jaws 3-D…I’ll never forgive em those New Yawk New Yawk New Yawk Don’t Ya Love New Yawk Rent On Broadway $75 a seat though we saw it anyway right before we left The Hotel control freaks for replacing The Barnes & Noble On 5th Ave with GapBananaRepublicMonacoClone…the devastating creature of 1 million tones spelled titles was his home…my lair and by the time I got to introduce Jody to its appetite..it was gone…
Living On An Island (Tori’s Song)
Tori’s pretty
Tori’s fun
Gonna have a baby
Cuz she’s the one
Been in Frisco
Been in Love
Mia Zapata
Turtledove
House In turmoil
House Above
Memory escapes me
Whose already won
Hickery Dickery Dock
The mouse ran up the clock
Hour struck 12
He went to hell
And all was well
Tori’s platinum
Tori’s gold
Gonna have a baby
Free years old
Ate my spinach
Ate my peas
Now I’m unhappy
Gonna do what I please
Shining circle
Bye and Bye
Blessed Be Yaweh
Banana crème pie
Knick knack paddy whack
Give a dog a bone
Knick Knack paddy whack
Sure hate playing this all alone
Tori’s abfab
Tori’s punch
The door is open
I’m out to lunch
Tori’s diamond
Tori’s seal
Is the approval
That will heal
All this chaos
In my mind
Blissful sleep
Has been doing time
In graveyards
And in tombs
Her fair kiss
Will close the wound
Tori’s Pretty
Tori’s Fun
Gonna have a baby
Cuz she’s the only one
FASTFORWARD
AAAAAAAAAH I just finished this AAAAAAAAAh I have nothing else to
write...AAAAAAAH The Guard asks “What’s up”..AAAAAAAH I just finished this episode
I’m sending Hustler and I have another month of being in Western State..”Oh
Really”..Shit I collapse on the mat dazed…Should I have taken it to the bridge
at the Punk show in January…Fucking sucked it up and took on the Napalm stars
and Holmstrom’s other hair boy wussies…The eeeeeeeeeeeeeediot lead singer
kicked me in the back…than busted me in the lip..sure I connected but I was
outgunned.specially with Mr White Trash, Travis Wigglesworth schmoozing in
CBGB’s Gallery where the Punk Dictator had imprisoned the spoken word
superstars, Jennifer Blowdryer, Edwin Torres, Kari Krome & Penny
Arcade..why do I say superstars..cuz Maggie Estep was nowhere in sight to drag
us to the Netherworld..YUP SOMETIMES THERE IS A GOD…Yeah I actually should have
taken on the ECW wrestler Balls Mahoney…”Holmstrom paid me
$500 bucks to be security..Oh really now..Would have been worth a trip
to The Tombs.. Had to reel it in though..Not only could I not afford to miss
the flight back to the North west..there was the interview with Heavy.com to
think of…But a quick bitchslap would have been delicious. It would have given
Jade Markus juicy gossip to spill back at Rolling Stone..that is if she kept
her email threat about making an appearance yet once again….GOD SED “NO!”
Dawn…Joshua Tree..The Author barefoot…clad in black Armani shirt and
pants..He approaches the camera and taps on the lense…”Hey Sugar Frosted
Flakes, Yo Cocoa Puffs..yeah you get up. Freddy’s not dead. He just got the
finger. I’m sure you’re thinking She’s Got Have It Ernest Tom Green. Naah more
like Basquiat Dropkick Murphy’s E.T.
What am I talking about right? This” He thrusts forward a leather bound
book “ ZOINKS!. And of course there have been rumors about having a commercial
with all sorts of THX special effects.” Cutaway to flaming paper machie UFOS on
fishing poles…”And Hulksmashing Deathrow Records Heavymetal Monster
action”..Cutaway to a Saint Bernard lying on a porch pouting..” But I kinda
went apeshit on another project”
Shot of Author’ sleg in gigantic ball and chain. “so all you get is
this”..Cutaway to various closeups of crying toddlers..” Its about tons of
weird junk that needs a Parental Advisory and has gotta beat you can square
dance to” Shot Of African Natives whooping it up. “ I’d tell you more but it’s
strictly on a need to know basis. And you need to know it’s gonna cost as much
of these”.. He holds up a pair of Air Jordans…Author turns to walk away then
whips around “SEGA!”..Pull back to reveal the director saying “Cut and that’s a
wrap..Author approaches Mel Brooks “ So what do you think Mel?..Mel laughs
good- naturely “It’s great kid. It’ll be huge. Now let’s get some thing to eat”
He slaps the author on the back .Revealing the sign “Delusional”…”I heard
they’ve got a nice lil place in Tacoma.”…”Really?”..
REWIND
If you cry out to the hissing roller coaster long and hard…its
guaranteed to stop and pick you
up..Wanna go for a ride young gun…DOOM DOOM..Guard saunters by and gives me a
look of disgust..what the fuck is your problem…ASSHOLE…the friggin concerts
going on man.. …somebody in the tank screamed “ Sieg Heil Nigger”…Med nurse
comes by “ What is your name?’...”You don’t know my name”…”I can’t give you
meds if I don’t know your name”..”Why don’t ya ask Mayor Schell. Yeah matter of
fact I know he knows my name…LIGHTS OUT
5-26B..meal tray..UUGH..Is this mourning…Ask the Asian guard to pass me
John Grisham’s “The Chamber”…He maybe Chinese Korean No way Japanese…”I’ve got
you those pair of deck shoes last week. What happened?”..”they’re still
here”…Can’t bother Willy about sharpening my pencils..Totally hypnotic..full of
boomimg…SLAAM
..echoing prose…scenes unfold and unfold and you can’t stop
reading…Chemical imbalance brought on by Marketing street Mitchell Bros nutrients..Pro
Willy Sonny Bono you from behind…BITCH!
Negritude the attitude of being black…Adam Sandler…The
Waterboy..AAAAARGH..is the first popculture pump it in the jeeps that greets me as I enter the ward at Western
State.. It can’t be too bad…there’s a recent issue of Entertainment Weekly and
TV Geico Direct.. Our lawyers can help you get money…Microsoft certified
technical education center…Oh not that Holllywoodnosuicide jive
again…Negritude..the attitude of being black…Black dood Mr Scott talking loud talk
about a New York ball in Harlem…Counterfeit money in the blue van..smooth jazz
evergreen interrupted by his very loud talk..”Man this totally not fair”..Hey
man why don’t shut up”…Why don’t you shut up bitch. I’m talking about being
threatened about being raped. You’re a fucking rat”..He’s going off again
AAAAH…I’ll pick up the pencil after lunch..Eclipse or hold your breath..”the
pencil has got to stay in the dayroom”…”we think you have disorganized
thinking”..”well you can think any- thing you want Doctor”…” do you know where
you are?”…”Frances Farmer stayed here otherwise I’m totally spaced”…”Do you
have a significant other”…” Tori Spelling”.. “Have you seen her?..”No its kinda
virtual”…Absent minded Professor get glump in here..”..”why would anybody wanna
marry me and I have disorganized thinking”..”I haven’t heard of anybody wanting
to marry you”..”Why don’t you call Spelling Entertainment and find out”
“Even with the glut of lame devil related movies coming out these days,
you can’t help but get a little fired up over Shannen Dougherty taking on an
occult loving college clique in a project titled “ Satan’s School For
Girls”…Hercules Hercules Hercules..Ya Momma gotta big ass. Its like Sunday
dinner at Grandmas..”Hollywood Mogul David Geffen wishes this bio had never
seen the light of day.”…” Can I use a pencil”..”It can’t come out of the
immediate area”…”people assume any job I get is a Spelling thing. I’m like
‘Hello?” I auditoned and I got it”…Tori Spelling on the Nepotism free
way in which she got her role in this month’s “Trick”..directed by Jim
Fall from a script by Jason Scafer…
Trick is structured as an ebullient tour of the West Village/Chelsea
gay demimonde.. The movie has its endearing moments and its scenes that don’t
quite work. It will test anyone’ saffection for Tori Spelling who yawns and
whines as Gabriel’s best friend”…NOBODY TOLD ME ABOUT THAT…Entertainment Weekly
July 30th 1999…JFK Jr 1960-1999…NOBODY TOLD ME ABOUT THAT…”watch the
yellow lines”…” Can I eat that food I’m hungry”..”No”…”I’m calling The
Stranger. This is Ridiculous”…”The Stranger”…”You have a collect call from Tell
Tori Not Guilty”…”The Stranger”..“You have a collect call from Not Amused
Where’s the love”…”The Stranger”… “You have a collect call from Hope Tori’s
good in bed”…Maybe Baby doll will be a real life runway bride.. “Its not just a
hit movie. Here are true tales of ordinary women who bought the dress, booked the band , got close to the
altar and said ‘I’m outta here”….AAAAAAAh sooo alive...Plagirism at its finest…uhhuh
that’s the way uhhuh that’s the way I like it…1998 Deaths…Beverly Hills 90210
producer Steve Wasserman, 45 by drowning July 3 off Marina Del Rey
California…Wasserman was on a sailing trip with his family when he was
reportedly blown overboard while adjusting a sail”…. “Ya missed bingo and candy
bars and soda. Soda’s always the first thing to go”..Giggling rockin man in St
Louis Ram sweatshirt yells “DRUGS!”..Meds..whiteman knows whats good for crazy
Negro…”FUCK OFF!”
Babydoll
“If you’re gonna get in trouble
do it at the Chateau Marmot”-
Harry Cohn…Was the baby conceived here or in Fiji. You
Know how I am with dates. All that forced medication at
Western State good thing my thought are disorganized or those
Darn Kidz would be completely over and out. I know its pretty
Extravagant renting a cottage but its
gets me motivated. And you
Were right I was hanging at Pink’s so much they offered me a
Job. Can you get Michele Trachtenberg’ s mom Lana on the phone.
Harriet The Spy was Jody and I’s favorite movie and
I’d love to make love to you right now. A sudden love play goin
Center. Going in for good. I got a call from NBC about that
Friends cameo they want us to do. I haven’t had time to get any
Thing organized. So maybe this…Random raving will be good
Enough for must see tv…Simply have the
two of us invade the
Scene talking about absolutely nothing to do with the episode.
After several instances of this Joey or Monica should turn
Around and say “ MAYBE YOU TWO SHOULD GET YOUR
OWN SHOW”
SEARCH SEARCH
But He Took Penelope To Fiji Which All Of Hollywood Knew Was Strictly
Off Limits So When I See Him Its WHAMBAMMALAAM! With Captain Corelli’s Mandolin
. Which will sound so Bizarre Brady Kids “It’s a Black Sunshine Day”(
D.J.Skribble Cold Phused Tribal Chant
Mix) Madonna Will Have No Choice But To Fire Scott Cooke and Let Me Run
The Maverick A& R Office But Of Course I Have That Purple Haze Project Proposal Going Over To L.F.P And Bad
Boy Entertainment So I’ll Be Too Too TopGun
For Any Of That Slack or JUST WHO DO LAURA DERN & BEN HARPER THINK
THEY ARE?
(Filmation Animated)
Crib Of Solitude EXTERIOR
NIRVANA the ghost monkee floats over to the Medival merry Go Round where
Jody Cat sits nearby on the gryphon swings gazing at Jupiter’s Moon
We’ve gotta problem.
I thought the bearer of bad news department was
Wilson’s job.
No its Sperber. There’s a problem with Nemo’s
Transmission.
Great that’s all we
need. Is The Thwaap
Malfunctioning. Is Nemo alright.
Yeah sorta . I think I’ll let Jim explain
With A wave of his hand NIRVANA teleports them to the Communications
Room
Huge Monitor
What is it Jim?
We’re screwed. The Groovy Ghoulie Navigation System
in the Thwaap is going
loopy…We can’t get into the Labtec
because the door’s sealed. This excellent adventure is about to
become the Bogus Journey Part Two. It’s this whole Tori
Spelling Thing. Its like Chaos is swallowing its own tail
You’re starting to sound like Wilson. What did you
Inherit his gift of Armageddon sick of you.
Look I’m the part of this Sergeant Pepper’s Lovely Hearts
Club Band that his feet firmly planted on Earth so you kidz
Can fly free in Outer Space. So can you cut me some slack.
He has a point Jody
JODY gives NIRVANA That Look
A small point.
And its not Only the Tori thing. Dark Atari is in league with
Dreamworks In the worst way. They’re about to teamup
Storm Heaven, steal The Big
Guy’s remote and change the
channel on all of us.
How’s that possible. He doesn’t have an army of evil dead
Anymore.
He does now. Dreamworks has blackmailed Holmstrom
To secretly make clones of
Jeffrey Katzenberg disguised
as Joey Ramone in the basement of The Church of Sciento-
Logy’s Celebrity Center. Shit,
if Eddie Murphy, Mike Myers
And Carmen Diaz hadn’t got screwed on that Shrek deal we’d
Never would have known.
Yeah mean Dark Atari in complete control of millions of
Dirty denim Katzenbergs legally
cutting off the International
Kaaching Right From under Hollywood’s feet and
calling it a creative punk rock
move?
Scary
No doubt and to make matters worse the other part of the
Tori! Tori! Tori! Serial “Andy Warhol’s Batgirl is stuck
on Charles
computer in West Seattle.. And even if we some
how manage
to downloadload it..for broadcasting. Its unfinished
leaving Nemo and Tori in limbo on LivingIsland waiting for
those darn kidz to contact Voltron to break them thru The
Others side.
So what do we do?
SPERBER
There’s no much we can do expect
keep talking as Nemo
finishes flipping thru The Hitchhiker’s Guide To The
Galaxy
rips off an idea, modifies it
and baam we’re back in business.
The Hands of Fate reappear with a giant Pencil and
draw
A giant picture of Sally from the Peanuts
SALLY
(screaming)
There’s no tomorrow. They
just announced it on t.v.
NIRVANA
That was quick
SPERBER
And smart .the Schultz estate can’t even sue because
They won’t have time.And even if tomorrow does come
We can countersue on the grounds of all the mental
Anguish that comic strip has caused our generation
since 1973
JODY
(smiling)
I don’t even know why I was
worried.
Editor’s Note: GONE FISHING!
REWIND
John Can You Add That Missing Paragraph Please? Thanks
FASTFORWARDREWINDPAUSE
Sunday. Here comes The Crazy Crazy Lady Of The
State….The House Of Gawd…Fifty dollars or more…Jiminey Crickets..Not Now…
I ask her “Do you need a light?”
“No”. She pauses. “ Are you a patient or ?”
“Neither.”
“So you’re a visitor. Well some of the things that
go on
within these walls just aren’t right”
I sigh “Its humans. They’re everywhere you go. You
Can’t escape them. Trust me I’ve tried”
“I’ve been in the mental health system since 1966
and
I’d rather live within society. Its just not right
to be
Deprived”
She speaks The Truth. So suddenly “I’m a patient.”
She speaks The Truth. So suddenly “You’re right.”
She walks away with a “God bless you” and then
looking slightly back sez “By the way Happy Father’s day in a few years”..
Should I remind you. She does not know who I am. The House Of Gawd. Fifty
dollars or less..ZOINKS!
FASTFORWARDREWINDPAUSE
Monday..NEWSFLASH : WESTERN STATE ESCAPE!.. I am
excited…Terry Knorpp took off from Ward S- 6 with his LimpBizkitOrbSupertramp
in hand…Got into the car with his..Go Whiteboys Go…Be FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE…I
am excited and…WHAT, HE’S BACK? AAAH MAN
WHY DOESN’T ANYTHING…
FASTFORWARDREWINDPAUSE
Tuesday 9/11/2001
Four planes hijacked. Tori. World Trade Center destroyed.
Tori…The Pentagon hit…Tori…America Under Attack..America at War…Tori…6,333
missing…So many dead…Tori…Osama Bin Laden on everyone’s lips…anxiety and fear
in everyone’s eyes..Tori..Agatha Sperber..Jody..John…Holmstrom on the
phone..”On the same page? Nemo you’re not even on my radar screen. Johnny who
was in the band, The Bullies is among the missing”… The Bullies I remember
their black van outside CBGB’S that night in January..” He was a firefighter.
He was inside when the towers collapsed. You don’t wanna come here. You lived
in New York. You know what its like”. He’s right.
FASTFORWARDREWINDPAUSE
Saturday..Metro..The Goth Shop..Entering The Shrine
LipService..Pump up The bass..Let’s play it Loud..Cecily sez “ Belts can be
quite powerful”…Pump Up The Bass..Let’s play it loud…You You You’ve given me hope..Fallout Records &
Comics..Tim sez “ You’d better not get arrested again”.. I agree but I’m sure
he’s thinking one thing and Me another…Filofax Deluxe..Buckingham.. Italian
Leather..WE DON’T NEED NO STINKIN PALM PILOTS!…Dark Prince expresses mail to
Aaron ..uh Mr Spelling while The Angels sing “ My Boyfriend’s Back”..You You
You You’ve given me hope..The Intuitionist Bad Azz Mofo increases the copact
disc audio boost..Drums grind catch da monkey’s last drop of the puzzle
untitled. Next week. City Hall Mayor Smell uh Schell HEY WAIT I’VE GOT A NEW
COMPLAINT and by the way Babe…I’m not getting my Startac reactivated until
Jerry George Kramer and EEEEEEEEEEEElaine say its okay…Seinfeld:CANCELED! …and by
the way Babe..It’s why can’t I sing like he did..so ya know …You You You You’ve
given me hope. So uh….
Nevermind.
Special Thanks to Conan Gale, Amy Persenaire@
American Media, Brenda Cooke@ Seattle Weekly, Julianne Boronat@ Pierce
College Mike@ The Stranger, Nick &
Cecily@ Metro., Barabra Wanatabe in Department of Assigned Councel…HideeHideeo
ho to Brendan, Jennifer Cindy, Adrian, and All The Ladies That Work In The Cafeteria..And By The Way Grandma Sed Last
Night “ You Need A Child Like You Need A Hole In The Head”…SHOTGUN ANYONE?