Manuelo: Riley, she's not home. I'm going to sign for this. (signs the paper, and the man leaves)
(Manuelo knocks on the box as he walks by, it knocks back. He walks up to it and knocks 4 times, then it knocks back 2 times)
Larry: Help!
Manuelo: I hope this isn't my cousin, Faesto.
Larry: It's me! (Manuelo opens the box, and Larry comes out coughing) I have been in that thing for 4 days!
Manuelo: Larry, when you mail yourself to a woman, you have to pay for same day delivery.
Larry: I just thought this would be a great way to invite Riley to the Save the Seals Benifit dance.
Manuelo: Can I give you some advice, man to . . . Larry?
(He nods)
You're doing this all wrong.
Larry: How do you mean?
Manuelo: You're always chasing Riley. You have to play hard to get. It's in my vast experience that females, they want what they can't have.
Larry: So what you're saying is, if I don't mail myself to her, she'll mail herself to me?
Manuelo: (shakes his head) Oh, this is going to take longer than I thought. (pulls a piece of ball from Larry's head)
Opening Credits
Macy: Oh, wow. This is a surprise.
Jake: What? I stop by all the time.
Macy: You're up before noon.
Jake: Sleepiong in is something that you enjoy between careers. (pouring himself coffee) Other joys include reaquanting myself with the classics, learning how to take French, and solving one of the great riddles of life: The difference between a hoho and a yodel. (sits at the table)
Macy: You think this is funny? Here you are, one of the best designers in the business, and you're sitting out in your trayler contemplating the difference between snack cakes?
Manuelo: A hoho is creme-filled.
Jake: No, that's the ring-ding.
Macy: No, that's the ding-dong.
Jake: You know, I take that back, and Macy, if you weren't between careers, you'd know that.
Macy: Okay, Jake. (sits down) Is there something you wanted?
Jake: No, I'm just dropping off Chloe's mathbook. She left it in my trayler. (goes to the fridge)
Macy: Did you open this one? (referring to a envelope)
Jake: Oh, yeah. It's addressed to both of us.
Macy: It's an invitation to the Save the Seals benifit.
Jake: So are we going to go?
Macy: Well, even though you read my mail, and eat my food, technically we are not a "we" anymore.
Jake: Well, even though we aren't technically a we anymore, can't we still go together?
Macy: Well, I don't know. I've never though about that before. If we go together, people may assume that we are not seperated, and we're just going together rather than just seperately.
Manuelo: We need Oprah.
Jake: Well, what do we do? Go alone? There's going to be dancing and stuff.
Macy: Maybe we'll go with other people.
Jake: You mean, like a date?
(they think about this)
Manuelo: I don't know if we're ready for that.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(At school near the lockers)
Chloe: Hey, Riley!
Riley: Shh! Hold that thought. (opens her locker slowly and whispers) Larry . . . (Noone in there) That's weird. Is Larry out sick today?
Larry: (walks by) Hey Chloe.
Chloe: Hey, Larry.
Riley: (tries to get his attention) Hey, Larry.
(He continues)
Riley: (to the audience)Was I just ignored by Larry? Let's see that again.
(Repeat over)
He did just ignore me.
Chloe: (runs up to Riley) Okay, guess what? I'm writing a dating column for the newspaper.
Riley: Wait a minute. You're going to write a dating column?
Chloe: (smiling) CAn you think of anyone better suited?
Riley: Someone who's actually been on a date.
Chloe: You're the one to talk about experience. You write a sports column.
(they walk to the table)
Riley: Well, at least I've been to first base. . . I mean, in little league.
Chloe: Well, for your information, I'm going to have a date.
Riley: Huh?
Chloe: You know the Save the Seals dance Saturday? Mom said we could bring dates.
Riley: (to the audience) Never fails. Last born, last to know.
Chloe: So who do you think we're going to bring?
Riley: Who knows? I just found out about it.
Chloe: Well, if you don't have a date, you can always bring Larry as your fallback.
Riley: Go to the dance with Larry?
Chloe: Mmm hmmm.
Riley: Not an option. I'd rather go with (looks at Goth kid walking by) Damien, the goth kid.
Chloe: Personally, I have a rule against dating guys who wear black lipstick . . . If you're interested, I'm going to go with Travis.
(he walks by)
Hey, Travis!
Travis: (turns around) Hey . . . you. (chuckles as he leaves)
Riley: Wow, what chemistry.
Chloe: Don't worry. I'll get him to ask me to the dance.
Riley: Yeah, right. How?
Chloe: Just read my column.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(In Chloe's room, she's on her bed)
Chloe: (to herself) Had to happen sometime. Mom and Dad were about to dive into the dating pool. Did I say dive? It's going to be more like two painful belly-flops. (nods to herself)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(In the kitchen)
Macy: Okay, Manny. Now you've got to help me. You know everyone on the beach, right? So you must have all the dish on the single men.
Manuelo: (looking at the newspaper) Mmm-hmm.
Macy: Okay, how about Teg Harrilson, that attorney three doors down?
Manuelo: He's married.
Macy: Bill Ludlow, plastic surgeon?
Manuelo: He's now engaged to his last tummy-tuck.
Macy: Fred Carlisle?
Manuelo: It's now Freda Carlisle.
Macy: No!
Manuelo: Yes, and did I tell you, I got a deal on all his old suits . . .
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(Nepture's Net)
Jake: Thank you for letting me buy you a drink like this. (sees a glass and pulls teeth out) Are these yours?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(On her bed)
Chloe: (to herself) So for those of you who are keeping score, let's recap. Chloe Carlson-0 dates. (lays on her bed) Okay, so maybe we aren't doing so well, but I'm still in the game. The good news is (sits back up) none of us have humiliated or embarassed ourselves . . . yet. (groans)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(In the cafeteria)
Chloe: (walks in) I can't believe you, Riley. The dance is less than three days away, and you don't have a date. You're sitting here eating a tuna-salad sandwich.
Riley: I'm hungry.
Chloe: Well, think about this. You can't have a second date until you have a first date. And according to Seventeen magazine, nothing good happens until a third date. You're going to be, I mean, so behind the curve.
Riley: That's it. I have better things to do than sit around and obsess about this date. (gathers her stuff) Now if you'll excuse me, I have a very important meeting with the football coach. (leaves the room)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(In the Coach's office)
Riley: Okay, Coach. Let me see if I've got this straight. Everyone on the offensive and the defensive have dates? (he nods) What about the team mascot?
John: You mean the kid in the dolphin suit? He's still in the hospital. Last week at the game, the shark kicked him right in the blow-hole.
Macy: (walks in) Riley, are you almost finished? I'm double-parked. (sees the coach, and they both stare each other down) I don't believe we've met.
John: John Lee, new football coach.
Macy: Macy Carlson, new football fan.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(in the living room. Macy is getting a manicure)
Chloe: (to herself) Mom didn't waste any time. The next day she was getting ready for her tennis date with Coach Lee. For the record, the only thing mom has done in tennis shoes is shop.
(Manuelo dips a cucumber)
Manuelo: Not bad.
Macy: Manuelo, that's cold cream.
Manuelo: I'll tell you something, I don't hate it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chloe: (to herself while walking over to Travis) Meanwhile, I was about to put my moves on Travis. It's times like these I need to remember the three S's: Sweet, Subtle, and so cute. (walks up to Travis at the lockers)
Chloe: Hey, Travis!
Travis: Hi.
Chloe: Whatcha doing?
Travis: Taking a book out of my locker.
Chloe: Wasn't life-science interesting today? How did you like the filmstrip? Armadillo's: "Nature's little tank". Speaking of endangered species, have you heard of the Save the Seals benefit coming up?
Travis: Yes.
Chloe: Well, actually, It's called "Save the Malibu Seals Benefit". The funny thing about seals is the only thing they eat is sushi. Seals eat fish. Rich seals eat sushi. (to audience) Am I crashing and burning here or what? (walking with Travis) Usually, I go with my parents, but this year we'll allowed to bring dates. I'll probably go with a date. If someone asks me. Not that they won't ask me. They just have to know that I'm available. And FYI, I am!
Travis: (laughs) No kidding. (walks away)
Chloe: (to audience) He's hooked. (excitedly) Now all I have to do is real him in. (smiles, then looks towards where he went, and her face falls)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(Jake's living room)
Chloe: (to herself) Meanwhile, over at the trayler park, Dad had a plan to find his perfect date. He needed some help.
Jake: (at his laptop) Okay, I've been working on my on-line dating profile. Wanna hear?
Manuelo: Go slow.
Jake: Job. None. Home. Trayler. Hobbies. Reading, taking long walks on the beach, and getting to know myself.
Manuelo: That's good. But pathetic.
Jake: Yeah, but that's who I am.
Manuelo: But it's pathetic.
Jake: Yeah, but I don't wanna lie.
Manuelo: Okay, step back from the laptop because when I'm done with your on-line profile, you'll find that "you've got mail". (sits down with Jake)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(In a classroom at the chalkboard)
Riley: (to the audience) Alright, dating class is now in session. As you probably know, there's four basic groups in the dating food chain. The first group is THE COOL KIDS. Randy, Biff, Lance, and Justin. They all have dates. (scratches that group out) Then there's THE JOCKS. The football team, the baseball team, Lacross team, and the soccer team. They all have dates. (crosses them off) Then there's THE BRAINS which include the Chess Club, Computer Club, and the future dot.com billionaires of America. Even they all have dates. (crosses it out) Then that leaves the last group . . . Larry. (groans) Class dismissed.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(Larry is walking by the lockers and see's Riley) Larry: (to himself) Oh, no. There's Riley. I've been avoiding her all day. And there she is standing before me. I can't hold out any longer. I've got to ask her to the dance.
Manuelo: (in his conscience) Larry . . . Larry. Are you forgetting what I told you?
Larry: (whispering) What? What?
Manuelo: Be strong. You must play hard to get.
Larry: Alright, I will. I will.
Manuelo: And zip up your fly.
(Larry looks down)
I got you. (disappears)
Larry: (walks over to Riley)
Riley: Hey, Larry.
Larry: Yeah, hi. Hey, I read your column and it was good.
Riley: Alright, Larry. If you are going to ask me to the Save the Seals benefit, now is the time.
Larry: (seriously) Actually, I just wanted to compliment you on your column. And it was good. As for the dance, I already have a date.
Riley: Excuse me? You have a date?
Larry: Yeah, I have a date. I'll, I'll see you around. (walks away)
Riley: (to the audience) Larry has a date?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(Chloe on her bed with the laptop)
Chloe: (to herself) The Save the Seals benifit is less than 24 hours away, and everyone has lost it. (lays down) I'm going crazy cause Travis hasn't called me. Dad is going crazy on the internet with his new screen name "Hotbod". Riley is going crazy because she was shot down by "Larry". And mom is going crazy on the tennis court trying to be one of the William's sisters. I think I finally have the topic for my column. (typing) "Why do people act crazy when they're dating?".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(Macy coming into the living room)
Macy: Bye! I had a great time. . . Rock climbing tomorrow? Great! (closes the door, and Manuelo holds out the chair for her to fall in. She sighs) Manny, we played six sets of tennis, and then we rented bikes cause he thought that would be a fun way to get to the softball game.
Manuelo: Are you okay? Why are you doing this?
Macy: Because he's a jock. And if Jake has a date to the dance, I have to have a date to the dance. Even if my date has to carry my ashes there in a gym bag.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(In the kitchen)
Chloe: (runs in the door) Manuelo, anything going on?
Manuelo: You have a subscription notice there for a renewal to Teen People, and somebody called. What was his name? I think it was Travis.
Chloe: What? (grabs his shirt) Why didn't you tell me?
Manuelo: You have two weeks to renew it.
(Chloe runs to the stairs)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(Walking around in her room)
Chloe: (to the audience) It would be so uncool to call Travis right back. You've got to make him sweat. Ya know, keep him hanging for a while. The last thing you want to do is seem desperate. (pause) Okay, that's enough. (runs over to the phone, and calls him)
Travis: Hey, this is Travis. Leave a message.
Chloe: Hi, Travis. It's me. Call me back. (hangs up) That was so cool! A casual cook with just an air of mystery. (stops in her tracks) Mystery. Oh, no! I said "me". How is he going to know who me is? I've got to call him back. (redials his number)
Travis: Hey, this is Travis. Leave a message.
Chloe: Hey, It's Chloe Carlson. I just called and said it was me. I just wanted to call you and tell you who me was. And it's me, Chloe. Chloe Carlson. And to your question, yes, I would love to go with you to the dance on Saturday. (hangs up) Yes! I've gotta go pick out what I'm gonna wear! (stops again) He didn't even ask me! Oh my God, I've got to call him back. (redials)
Travis: Hey, it's Travis. Leave a message.
Chloe: Hey, Travis. It's me again. I just called like a second ago, and I just realized that I said I would go with you to the dance, but you never even asked me to the dance. And if you were calling to ask me, then the answer is-- (beeps) Oh, no. (redials)
Travis: Hey, it's Travis. Leave a message.
Chloe: Hey, it's me again. I'm just calling to say that--
Travis: Chloe?
Chloe: Travis? You're home.
Travis: Chloe, please don't call me anymore.
Chloe: (whispers) Oh, no . (hangs up and falls back on her bed)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(At the trayler)
Chloe: (to herself) As I was being struck out with Travis, Dad was about to meet his first internet date. (Jake turns on the boom box, sprays his mouth, and then the air. He goes to the door and it's a woman dressed in bondage clothes. He shuts the door. He reopens it to an old lady wearing a wedding dress. Closes it again. Then opens it to a decent looking woman.)
Cheryl: Are you Jake Carlson?
Jake: Wow.
Cheryl: I'm Cheryl.
Jake: I'm delighted to meet you.
Cheryl: (as the sock) We came all this way for some loser in a trayler? (as herself) Stop it! That's very rude. Every day you do this. (as sock) Do not! (Jake shuts the door in her face)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(Riley at the lunch table)
(Larry walks over)
Riley: Oh, Hi Larry. I'm surprised you aren't renting a tuxedo for the dance.
Larry: About that. I have been living a lie. I don't have a date, okay? I just wanted to play hard to get. Will you please forgive me because all I've ever wanted is to go with you. Will you go to the dance with me?
(Riley smiles)
Riley: (to herself) History was going to be made. Riley was going to say yes to Larry. There would have been at least one happy ending. If only he had stopped there . . .
Larry: I already got my tuxedo rented. Wait till you see the cumberbund--it glows in the dark. Oh, and my uncle is going to be taking us in his cesspool truck, oh, but don't worry about the smell cause after a while you'll get used to it. Oh, and here's the really good news. I've been taking some dance lessons. (starts dancing around like a fool)
Chloe: (to herself) So what Riley realized was that no date was better than any date with Larry. (packs up her stuff and leaves)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(Nepture's Net)
Chloe: (to herself) So the night of the big dance arrived, and where could you find us Carlsons?
Jake: (sitting at the bar) Bring on another one, Joe.
Joe: This is your eigth shooter. Ya know, they're out of season.
Jake: You're right. I've got a designated doctor.
(The girls walk in)
Riley: Dad, what are you doing here?
Chloe: We thought you would be at the dance.
Jake: I just thought I'd rather spend the night playing Oyster Rolette.
Chloe: Yeah, it's not like we couldn't find dates. We've had guys lined up for days.
Riley: (to Chloe) That's our story and we're sticking to it. (they walk off)
Macy: (walks in groaning) Jake? I didn't expect to see you here.
Jake: To tell you the truth, I'm kinda surprised to see you.
Macy: I, uh, had a date. It's just, uh, something came up at the last minute.
Jake: That's too bad. (grabs her shoulder)
Macy: Ow, ow, ow!!
Jake: Whoa! Whoa, are you okay?
Macy: Yeah, fine. I'm . . . fine . . . Oh, god. Who am I trying to kid? I'm lucky I can walk. I was dating a jock. Jake: Don't feel bad. Come here. I almost dated a sock.
Macy: (sits down and laughs) Thank you.
Jake: Okay, so you come here often?
Macy: Oh, I hope you didn't use that line to try and get a date.
Jake: I didn't get that far.
Macy: Yeah, me neither. You know what? I guess I . . . didn't want to.
Jake: Yeah, I didn't either. Hey, if we're going to be alone , we might as well be alone together.
Macy: Well, you know, that invitation was addressed to both of us.
Jake: Yeah, but what are we gonna do for dates?
(Macy smiles)
Riley: (walks up with Chloe) Well, I think I might know where you could find yourself a couple of hot babes. (grabs her dad's arm, and Chloe grabs her mom's.)
THE END
