(Larry at the lunch table, Chloe walks in and sits down)
Chloe: Whatcha doing?
Larry: Admiring Riley from afar.
Chloe: Well, that's the way she likes it with you . . . far.
(Riley talking to some friends while eating Go-gurt)
Larry: Look at her. She's like a goddess with Go-gurt. Have you ever seen anything more beautiful?
Chloe: Well actually, people say there's quite a family resemblance.
Larry: (stares at Riley, then turns to Chloe) Sorry, I don't see it. Can I ask you something? If you were Riley, would you like me?
Chloe: I like you, Larry.
Larry: Really? I mean, like a boyfriend.
Chloe: Don't push it.
Larry: Okay. It's just that I've never really had a girlfriend.
Chloe: Imagine my shock. (holds her heart) Just kidding. We'll just be friends, okay?
Larry: Let me get this straight. You're a girl who is my friend? Can I tell people that?
Chloe: Sure.
Larry: Chloe Carlson is my girlfriend.
Chloe: Huh?
Larry: Hey, Tony! Guess what? Chloe is my--
Chloe: Larry! Larry! Listen to me. (grabs his shirt) If you value your life, Chloe Carlson is a girl who is your friend. Never run those two words together. Okay?
Larry: Okay. (she lets go)
Chloe: Okay.
Larry: Okay, now since we're friends, (they sit down) I can ask your advice on stuff, right?
Chloe: I guess that would now fall under our new arrangement.
Larry: Okay, so how do I get Riley to like me?
Chloe: (to audience) This could fall under a new challenge. (to Larry) What you've got to do is stop being so desperate.
Larry: That's a tough one.
Chloe: How about a new hairstyle? (pause) Or just wash the old one.
Larry: That is a hard one . . .
Chloe: I've got it! We've got to get a positive buzz going about you. If people think you're popular, then Riley might too.
Larry: So, so what you're saying is, if Riley sees other kids acting like I'm popular, then she might like me?
(Chloe laughs)
That's gonna take a lot of cash.
OPENING CREDITS
(Manuelo in the living room vaccumming. But stops as he looks at the sofa)
Manuelo: Sand. The immortal enemy of the clean beach house. (grabs the vaccumm and starts cleaning the sofa. The cord comes out and he looks in the hose. Macy walks in and plugs the vaccum back up. Manuelo's mouth is sucked into the hose. (Macy tries to pull him free, but then just yanks the cord)
Macy: Are you alright?
Manuelo: (shaking his head) I'm in a permanent pucker.
Macy: I'm . . . so . . . sorry.
Manuelo: It's okay. I'm beginning to feel my face. My tongue, my teeth . . . my lips are tingling. I tell you, I've never been kissed by an appliance before, and to tell you something . . . I don't hate it. (grins)
(Macy laughs as the front doorbell rings)
Macy: You just rest your pucker. I'll get it. (answers the door)
Jack: Hi, I'm Fireman Jack Arnold from Malibu Fire Station house.
Macy: I'm, I'm Macy. (shakes his hand)
~Dreaming that he's dressed sexually~
Jack: I'm just going around to all the homeowners in the neighbourhood about brushfire season. I just wanted to leave some information about any emergency procedures.
Macy: What?
(Back to himself)
Jack: Hey, Macy. I just transferred out here to Malibu and I don't get the chance to meet that many attractive women. Well, except generally when they've inhaled a lot of smoke.
Macy: Yeah. I guess it's kinda hard hitting on someone wearing an oxygen mask.
Jack: Okay. Well, if you ever want to know more about fire prevention, the # is on the pamphlet.
Macy: Thanks.
Jack: If you ever want to start a fire, here's my # at home. (hands papers over)
(Manuelo gives a thumbs-up as Macy shuts the door and turns to him)
Manuelo: Oh, oh, oh. Is it hot in here, or is it just him?
Macy: (waving him off) Go on & stop that! I mean Jake and I have only been seperated for six months. I'm not ready for . . . that. (holding the pamphlet up)
Manuelo: Mrs. Carlson, I want the best for you and Mr. Carlson, but a trial seperation means you have to try new things . . . like maybe a ride on that dudes truck.
Macy: Manny! Don't you have work to do? (hands him the vaccumm while muttering)
Manuelo: (in the hose) Ya know, it's such a pleasure working for Mrs. Carlson cause she hasn't had a date in what, like six mon--(Macy plugs the hose back up and the hose sucks in his mouth again)
(Macy is standing at the door laughing. Then she walks out like nothing happened)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(Larry is walking by the lockers)
Girl1: He is so cool.
Girl2: He is off the hook. (high fives him)
Girl3: What a hot-tie.
(Larry strolls on by Riley)
Riley: Did you just see Larry being cool? I think we better check that out again.
(Repeat over)
Riley: Okay, okay. I guess the camera doensn't lie.
LATER
Larry: Here you go. (hands something to a girl)
My lunch. (to another girl)
Girl2: Thank you.
Larry: Enjoy. (to next girl) Spiderman #3-0-1. (holding up magazine) It's the one where he saves Silver Sable from the revenge seeking nazi of a war criminal. Here you go. (they both pull at it. He lets go & she walks away) It's a classic!
Tony: Hey, Lar!
Larry: Hey, Tony.
Tony: Ya know, I hate to see you like this. Look at you. You're listless.
Larry: I skipped lunch.
Tony: You're pale.
Larry: I try to stay out of the sun. I freckle.
Tony: You gotta stop it. Stop it! You're just a shell of Larry, and a shell of Larry is not even as good as a . . . whole Larry. And all this over a girl?
Larry: It's not just a girl, man. It's Riley Carlson. She's not just a girl. She's the --
Tony: I know, I know. She's a flower, she's the sun, maybe even the moon. Pull yourself together.
Larry: You're right.
Tony: I'm right.
Larry: I'm going to pull myself together.
(Riley comes over with a lunchtray)
There she is, man! Help me out, please! You know, her sister said that if people saw me being popular and stuff, then she might really like me. So could you maybe go over there and --
Tony: Talk you up?
Larry: Yeah, please Tony.
Tony: You know what? I'm your friend, so you just watch and learn. (leans on the table) What was that, Larry? (cracking up) Oh, that was so good! (walks to Riley's table) That Larry guy just cracks me up. Wow, isn't that Larry a funny guy or what? (pause) Listen . . . (whispers in her ear)
(Riley starts laughing, Larry looks lost and uncomfortable)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(Carrying grocerys into the trayler)
Jake: Hey, thanks for the ride, Manny. Tedi had to borrow my jeep to do charity work. Manuelo: Perhaps she didn't want her porsche to smell like poor people. (pause) Dude, that was a trip to go to El Segunda to the distressed food store.
Jake: Ya know, a lot of people don't know that place, but I'm on a budget now, and you know what, you can get a lot of good deals on damaged food goods. They were practically giving away this can of bent peaches.
Manuelo: You know, of all the other places I've ever been, I've never seen a can of (reading the label) "slightly irregular soup". (pause) Where does this go?
Jake: Just stick it over there with the day old bread and the government cheese. Ya know, it was amazing how much money I wasted on the inspected food. Look at this deal I got on the tuna. I can't believe people take the experation date so seriously. '82 was a very good year for tuna.
Manuelo: Oh, no.
Jake: Anyway Manny, I appreciate you driving me around like this. Hey, why don't you stay for lunch?
Manuelo: No, no, no. Um, and I don't think you should stay for lunch either.
(Doorbell rings, and Jake answers)
Jill: Hi, there. I'm Fire Marshall Jill Carter.
(Daydreaming she is in a bathing suit)
It's brushfire season and we're just alerting everyone in the neighbourhood of proper safety procedures.
Jake: Oh yeah, what a terrific idea. That is a great program.
(Back to dressed Jill)
Yeah, ya know, I'm a big environmentalist and I believe in saving our forests. I seperate everything. Paper, plastic, cans. Wanna see my trash? (she starts to walk out) Whoa, whoa, whoa! Look at this. Isn't that beautiful? (shows her the recycled water jug)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(Chloe at the lifeguard station)
Chloe: Don't get the wrong idea. My dad is not a dork . . . He's just nervous. He hasn't been on a date with anyone but mom in sixteen years. And I'm sure he was better at it back then.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jake: Yeah, I always keep one of these around the house. (holds up fire extinguisher) The trick is, you gotta know how to use it. (blows smoke all over the girl)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chloe: (to herself) My dad is not a dork. My dad is not a dork. My dad is not a dork. My dad is not a dork. My dad is not a dork. . .
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(In the cafeteria)
Chloe: However, there is someone who can not make that claim. (Riley's lunch table, Larry sees Tony there, and Riley is trying to get grapes in his mouth)
Tony: One more try. Go ahead.
Riley: Alright.
(Throws another one, Larry grabs it, and shoves it in his mouth)
Larry!
(He starts coughing, hits himself and clears up)
Larry: Yeah. Did you like that? I know six different ways to drink milk through a straw. Only two of them include my mouth.
Riley: Your mother must be very proud.
Larry: Who do you think taught me?
(Riley walks out)
Dude, what's going on between you and Riley, man? You were just supposed to talk me up.
You're being awfully friendly. Tony: How is she going to believe me if she doesn't trust me? Listen to Tony. By the time I'm done with Riley, she's going to be crazy about you.
Larry: You sure?
Tony: Am I sure? You're, you're like a brother to me.
Larry: My brother hates me.
Tony: I'm sure he's got his reasons. Tony won't let you down. (stands up)
Larry: Are you sure?
Tony: Guy, would Tony lie to you? Of course not. And tonight I have a study date with Riley, and we both know I don't study. I'm going over to her house tonight just to tell her how cool of a guy you are.
Larry: But don't you think--
Tony: Don't try to thank me. Tony knows. (walks out)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(Macy & Manuelo in the kitchen looking at the news)
Announcer: The Southern California brush-fire has begun with a venguance.
(Macy repeats the above statement while drinking coffee)
Many small fires have begun near the Ventura County line.
Manuelo: That's not even close to us.
Macy: That's close enough.
Announcer: So far, no structures have been threatened . . .
Manuelo: (repeats above statement)
Announcer: And firefighters are hopeful for containment in the next 36 hours.
Manuelo: (repeat again)
Announcer: Unless Santa Ana winds kick up tonight creating a new firestorm.
Manuelo: (changes the channel) This guy with the big hair on Channel 3 is a bummer dude, huh? Look how Oprah's weight is yo-yoing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(Later that evening, Riley and Tony are on the sofa)
Riley: Okay, here's the next study question. (from the book) In the 13th century, Ghenkis Khan led his mongol hordes into Asia, destroying everything in their path. What are the chief lessons that can be learned from this event?
Tony: Don't buy real esate next to the Mongols?
Riley: Come on, Tony. We should really do this extra credit report.
Tony: I don't usually do the regular credit. Come on, Riley. There's something really special about you. (moves closer)
(Larry shows up at the window looking in)
(Tony wraps his arm around Riley)
Riley: Tony . . .
(He leans in and kisses her)
(Larry bangs at the window)
Larry: Riley! Riley!
Riley: (stands up) Larry! (to the audience) Okay, sometimes you just get caught up in the moment. (Larry runs inside)
Larry: I'm gonna go upside your head, bubba!
Macy: (runs in the room) Okay, kids. Calm down. Everything is gonna be fine. The little fire has jumped over the creek, and their evacuating everyone over to the school as a precaution, but I'm sure there's no reason to panic.
Manuelo: (comes downstairs with a load of clothes) Woman, children, nanny's first.
Macy: Where's Chloe?
Manuelo: She's upstairs packing. She's trying to save her cutest outfits. I bet you she didn't tell you that not many kids can accesorize during a natural disaster.
Macy: Okay, Manny Manny. You take the kids and pack everything up into the SUV. Jake, he's up there in his trayler without a car. (dials his number)
Manuelo: I have to go save the Del Rio family recipe. It's an awesome responsibility to be entrusted with the knowledge of 300 things to do with a chicken. (leaves)
Macy: (In the phone) Come on, Jake. Pick up. Pick up!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(Jake's Trayler) (He's got headphones on and screwing nails into the wall. The phone keeps ringing. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(At the school)
Teacher: Alright, people. You'll find the cots and blankets in the cafeteria.
Manuelo: Okay, I want the boys cots on this side, and I want the girls cots on that side.
Larry: You mean the boys and the girls will be sleeping in the same room?
Manuelo: Some will be sleeping; Some will be watching.
Riley: (sits on the cot) I'm worried about mom & dad.
Chloe: Don't worry. I'm sure they'll be here any second.
Tony: This spot taken? (towards Riley's bed)
Manuelo: (jumps over and pushes Tony away) Yes, it is.
Chloe: (watches him walk away) He kissed you? (smile on her face)
Riley: (nods)
Chloe: So?
Riley: So . . . what?
Chloe: Details. I mean long, short, dry, wet? Give me something here.
Riley: Okay, well I have much to compare to, but it was a sneak attack, so I wasn't really ready.
Chloe: He didn't miss, did he?
Riley: No, he definitely got lips . . . oh, and I put some lip gloss on before so there was a little slippage.
Chloe: Uh huh. That's good to know. Bottom line, how was it?
Riley: Well . . . I didn't hate it.
(Larry comes in with a cot, and Tony walks by. Larry swings it around, barely missing Tony)
Tony: Sorry, man.
Larry: No, no, no. I'm sorry. (swings it again but it hits the teacher) Oh my, oh my, oh, oh, oh!! (runs out the room)
(Teacher comes up from the ground and looks right at Tony)
Tony: He . . . (points to the door) No, no, it wasn't me!
(Teacher chases Tony out the room)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(At the trayler)
Tedi: Jake? Jake, is anybody home? (Banging on the door. He finally answers) Oh oh Jake. You're alright.
Jake: Yeah, yeah. I was feeling a little down. I'm missing the kids, ya know? So I'm trying to fix up this place, build a little shelf . . .
Tedi: No, there was a fire! I brought your jeep back to get you out of here.
Jake: A fire? Are Macy and kids okay?
Tedi: Yeah, they're at the school. I talked to Manuelo, but then the cell phone dropped out. Come on, let's get you out of here. Houses are being destroyed! The end of the world is out there!
Jake: So you stopped to get dressed up?
Tedi: I got it on sale. It's the new wonder buestia. Isn't it wonderful?
Jake: It is a wonder . . . and it is full.
Tedi: I wore it to the Veterans hospital. It helps to cheer the guys up.
Jake: I bet they like that.
Tedi: I would say. I actually got pinched by a guy in a coma. Come on! We have to get you out of here!
Jake: Okay, just let me grab a few things.
Tedi: What is there that you would possibly want to save?
Jake: You're right. Just let me put my pants on.
Macy: (runs in the house) Jake, I was worried that you were . . . not wearing any pants. . . ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(Tony is staring at Riley)
Larry: Hey, stop looking at her with that dopey stare. That is my dopey stare!
Riley: Mom and Dad should have been here by now. Aren't you worried?
Chloe: Of course I'm worried. I've already put on nine coates of this stuff. (her chapstick) I'm going to OD on strawberry lip balm!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jake: Macy, it's now what you think. (putting pants on)
Macy: And what do you think I think?
Jake: We both know what you thought. You were jealous. You thought Tedi and I were . . .
Tedi: Is that what you thought? Oh honey, please. (laughs)
Jake: It's not that funny.
Tedi: I just came here to save him.
Macy: Okay, save him.
Tedi: Honey, I don't want him. You save him.
Macy: I don't want to save him now.
Jake: Oh, nevermind. I'll save myself. (runs out but comes back in) Hey, uh, can one of you guys give me a lift? (Macy walks out)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(They all come back in coughing)
Jake: I guess the wind changed.
Macy: Oh my God. We're trapped. This is a nightmare!
Tedi: Oh, I know. Look at my skin. My t-zone's all dried up. I gotta book a moisture pack. (gets out cell phone) Oh, the lines are jammed.
Macy: Yes, the lines tend to to jam when you're in the middle of an (louder) inferno!
Jake: Do you think that helicopter saw us?
Tedi: If he missed me waving this, (shakes her chest) it really is over.
Macy: Okay, okay. This may be our last few minutes on earth. I need to write the girls a letter. Jake, where do you keep the fireproof paper?
Jake: Fireproof paper?! Are you insane?
Macy: Oh, you're right! Okay here. (hears helicopter) Listen, choppers! Oh, my God, we're saved. (runs out the house)
Tedi: (sprays perfume) Oh, I have to sit up front. I get chopper-sick.
Jake: Okay, okay. Just a minute here. Now I know you didn't want to hurt Macy's feelings before, but can you honestly say with this inferno, and knowing that we only had a few minutes left and we were all alone, you say you wouldn't . . .
Tedi: Are you 100% sure we'd die?
Jake: Yeah.
Tedi: Um . . . nah. (walks out)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(In the cafeteria)
Chloe: Mom, Dad!
Riley: You're okay. (They hug them)
Manuelo: We have been totally stressed out.
Chloe: I have been such a wreck. I was chain-glossing.
Jill: I have an announcement. We expect full containment by morning. And you can all return to your homes.
Tedi: (walks in with Jack) Now this is my idea of my last three minutes on earth.
Macy: Me too.
Jake: Okay, now somebody just throw me back in the fire.
Tony: (walks up with Larry) Mr. & Mrs. Carlson, I'm so glad you're okay. I have done everything I possibly could to make sure the girls were okay while you were gone.
Riley: I know what you've been doing. Chloe's been telling me what's going on and how Larry's been trying to get me to like him.
Tony: Oh yeah, that's right. He has a real sweet spot--
Riley: (pushes him against the locker) Yeah, you said you were going to help him! You didn't. You turned on your friend! He's true, and he cares, and he's loyal. Well yeah, he's goofy and annoying, and he tries way too hard, and he has this awful overbite that sprays you when he laughs--
(Larry puts hand on Riley's shoulder)
Larry: Loyal would have been a nice place to just . . . stop.
Riley: . . . But . . . I'd choose Larry over you anyday. So you can just get lost.
Tony: Okay, hey, I like it when a girl plays hard to get. (walks away)
Larry: So Riley, does this mean you're my girlfriend?
Riley: Are you insane? (walks away)
Larry: (to Chloe) It's a start.
THE END
