THE WOODCHOPPERS ASSOCIATION
WAVELENGTH #31
SEPTEMBER 10th - 10PM
1. What are the benefits of joining the chess club?
You learn all the right moves.
2. How do I open my locker if I forget my combination?
I don’t remember.
3. How do I get girls to notice me?
Wear a chicken suit to school.
4. What are Gym teachers trying to prove when they wear nylon pants?
The effectiveness of jock itch spray.
5. How do you make the cafeteria food taste better?
Ask the “stoners” out in the smoking area.
6. What is the best desk to sit in?
The one beside the person who turns you on.
7. How long can you stay in a portable classroom before you get a respiratory
illness from the toxic mold?
You can stand toxic mold until it quits Hüsker Dü. (Actually, it was Grant
Hart — SST Collegiate graduate ed.)
8. If Economics teachers know so much about economics, why don’t they quit
teaching, go into business, and become millionaires?
I don’t know. Why don’t they quit teaching and write a million eco-comics
about air?
9. If you’re a vegetarian and you’re forced to cook ground beef in Home Ec,
can you be a conscientious objector?
If you get cooking at home and grind your beef into a vegetarian economist,
can you be a licentious injector?
10. Why did they tear down all the monkey bars and replace them with
tupperware?
They replaced them to sadden the orthodontists who depend on clumsy kids to
make a living.
11. What is the funniest song a high school band has ever played?
Ask the “stoners” eating in the cafeteria.
12. What song has never been played by a high school band, but really should
be? (“Another One Bites the Dust” doesn’t count.)
“Back in Black” by AC/DC.
13. Does the Art teacher smoke pot in his car at lunch hour?
Sure. He’ll let you in on it too, if you’re keen.
14. Drama students: why don’t they ever shut up?
Because they’re not shut in.
15. Do you have a favorite character from The Breakfast Club?
Ya, the guy who does the Tetley Tea dance on my head every morning.
Peace and thanks.
Stay in school.
Eat well.
Use condoms.
Find out for yourself. — DC