There are things that you need to know, kids, so turn off your progressive techno, come down off that "E" shit and grab a notebook.
Y'oughta to eat after Wavelength. The question, of course, is where.
It’s a hard one to answer for the uninitiated - like if you were asked, "Which Nazareth album should I buy?", what would you say? Did I hear one or two of you say "Greatest Hits"? The rest of you, go out, buy Nazareth’s Greatest Hits, and start reading at the top of the page again. It’s that easy.
The obvious first choice would be, given the quality of eats, semi-hostile waitstaff attitude and handy location, Mars Foods. Wait! Shit! it’s only 24 hours on Friday and Saturday. Otherwise, of course, a perfect and natural choice.
If one chose to head east - which I rarely do - one can happily settle for Amato Pizza, who are open 'til 2 A.M. on Sundays, serving fresh slices of pizza and calzone. A decent choice, and free of the club kids who populate the Queen West location.
If one were to venture west on College, one might find Gold Star Donuts, one of those about-to-go-under-but-not-quite chains - but that’s too easy. For a donut, sure, but you wanna sit, talk until it’s too late to get any decent sleep and have a smoke or two.
I sayeth unto thee, brave donut hunter: COFFEE TIME. Strangely, the most successful coffee-and-donut establishment in Toronto’s southern sector - defending the guttersnipes, the scum and the mentally ill from nicer, safer, healthier and more expensive fare.
Avoid the Coffee Time at Augusta and College. You can’t smoke there.
The nexus of the mighty Coffee Time empire would be located at College and Ossington. This is the "Razamanaz" of Coffee Times. You will have no trouble easing into Coffee Time through this pumped, yet not jittery merry-go-round of caffeine and baked goods (not to mention salads, but who the fuck eats salads, let alone donut shop salads?). Sit back and absorb the legions of delinquent gangbangers talking shit about whoever they beat up earlier that weekend, jittery kids playing cards, eclair-eating students pretending to read their Kafka texts, and the occasional drag queen from El Convento Rico.
Not far from there, but a far cry from there, would be the Bloor and Shaw location, and before you can say "Dirt!", I bet you'll find yourself saying "Shanghai-ed'n'Shanghai!" if, as I ought to make clear, you now own a copy of Nazareth’s Greatest Hits. Sense the omnipresent danger, realize the danger is faked for atmosphere, and head west to Dufferin. Now that’s a "Bad Bad Boy" of a Coffee Time if ever there was one. "20 minute sitting time only please" - as if any smarmy downtowner could survive that long! Grab the apple fritter and let’s head east.
What’s east?" Simple. The best, and most infamous of all Coffee Times - the Clarke Institute Coffee Time. Here you’ll meet hyperviolent raver droogs, old men removing most of their clothes only to leave them there in a heap as they go for a walk in the dead of winter, and women asking, Anna? Is that the police?- Like the decision to release "White Bicycle", let alone write it, the Clarke Institute Coffee Time will leave you asking "What??", while saying, all the while, under your breath with a crescendo to a yell, "YES!!!" And there, you too are a welcome patron.
I look at some of you, with a saddened expression telling me that perhaps you aren’t looking for further stimulation, that you need to unwind, that you need a Coffee Time that’s less "Hair of the Dog" and more "Sunshine", or at least "Holy Roller". it’s a trek, and it means going east of University, but such a Shangri-La exists. You will find your oasis at Elm and Bay. I can tell you no more except that there is much smoke at the entrance, but no one talks to anyone or themselves there, and the crullers are
pleasant.
Some of you still look saddened. Oh, I see - somewhere expensive and hip, with flavoured coffee at 1 A.M. - I can tell you don’t care for Nazareth at all. Well, go fuck yourselves.
The rest of us have Greatest Hits and Coffee Times. - Matt Collins
(Clearly this town needs more 24-hour eateries, goddammit! -hungry ed.)