Washed Ashore (On a Lonely Island in the Sea)

By Ian McDuff

‘Hawaii?’ Brian was nonplussed.

‘Hawai’i,’ AJ repeated, deliberately pronouncing it properly. ‘Sarah’s sort of hinted about it, though fuck me if I know whether she’s talking for the wedding or the humpymoon.’

Brian rolled his eyes. ‘You done figgered out as how you ain’t goin’ to be allowed near my children with that mouth, I hope.’

‘Hmph. You’ve already got godparents or whatthefuckever you Baptists have, all lined up. Why shouldn’t there be a devil’s advocate, man? I mean, somebody’s got to take on the duty of corrupting the Official Backstreet Baby.’

Brian narrowed his eyes and spoke very softly, with a taut, grim smile. ‘And if I thought you meant that for real, Aidge, you’d leave here with your bleeding testicles clutched in your hands. And I doubt Sarah’d be too excited ’bout that.’

‘We could still cyber,’ AJ said, not turning a hair.

Howie couldn’t resist a straight line like that. ‘Yeah, I can see that. “What are you running on your laptop, Sarah? Microsoft?” “Naw, eunuchs.””

AJ rolled his eyes. ‘And they call him sweet. Man, if the fans fuckin’ knew.’

‘He is sweet,’ Nick protested. ‘He’s my sugar-candy.’

Brian snorted, and AJ made loud retching noises.

Howie just grinned, shrugging. ‘Hey, you raised him. Listen, didn’t Jamesanjosh just get back a while ago from out there? I think I have a postcard from Josh….’

‘That is so cheesy. Man. That photo ain’t Hawai’i anyway. And – postcards of yourselves?’

‘Shhhyeah, Aidge, like you wouldn’t. I think it’s right sweet, them to send D and Frack a postcard when they’re out there on an anniversary.’

‘They sent us two,’ D said. ‘Let me find the one from L- from James. I bet it’s more informative.’

‘I bet it’s digital and he emailed the fucker.’

‘Nope. Ah. Here we are.’

Brian grinned. ‘That a volcano, or Bass’s temper?’

‘It’s Sashay, flaming,’ Nick grinned. Howie poked him in the short ribs.

‘All right,’ AJ sighed. ‘Read the damn thing. If Bass actually sent a hard copy of anything by snail-mail, it must be important. Pffft.’

‘Bass,’ AJ snorted. ‘Polo. And blazers and all, and going Episcopal on us on the sly. Southerners, man. Fucking crack me up.’

‘We’ve all grown, Aidge.’ Howie’s eyes twinkled. ‘Even you and Nicky, though you like to pretend you haven’t. Sure, there’s some snobbery to how “Lance of ’N Sync” has turned into the private, real-life James Lance Bass-Chasez….’

‘Not all snobbery, though,’ Brian observed. He knew.

‘About the church change? Verdad. Remember, Bone, Baptists don’t baptize babies, and you’re right, means they don’t have godparents really. But – we do, and we prefer they be Catholic. Any priest’s going to stretch a point, it’ll be in favor of an Episcopalian, maybe – and had you forgotten James is godfather to Joey’s daughter?’

‘Oh,’ said AJ, enlightened. ‘He cares that much about his friends.’ It wasn’t a question.

‘Muy sapiente, amigo. And snob or not, he’s been the best friend outside the group, he and Josh, the real Josh, for me and Nick.’

‘Only other gay couple we can double-date with,’ Nick said.

‘And – Bri will tell me if I’m wrong – this sort of thing, as far as when Southern boys make good, is pretty much par for the course.’

‘Well, it is, but that ain’t what has AJ wandering clear around the barn, avoiding the subject, now is it?’

‘Me? Avoiding a subject?’

‘Verdad. James’s postcard mentions the magic word. Why don’t you at least look into it?’

AJ was silent a moment, and then, uncharacteristically, blushed. ‘Um. Fuck. Okay, I’ll ’fess up. Not that I knew they’d been out there lately. Or care about the resort as far as all they say about it. But. Uhnh….’

‘The minute Sarah said Word One about maybe goin’ to Hawaii, you done went and made a list of every dang golf course in the islands.’

‘Well, damn it, what else is a man gonna do –’

‘With his fiancée?’ Nick actually whinnied, his voice rising to a bel canto soprano. ‘In Hawaii? I can think of lots of things, Bone-er –’

‘Junior, so help me –’

‘Is it a good course?’ Normally it would have been Howie who intervened to keep the peace, but Brian actually wanted to know.

AJ’s eyes lit up just as Brian’s had. ‘It really is, they say. I mean, fuck it, but yeah, everyone’s just over the moon about it, it’s, like, it’s a Nicklaus design, for starters, and also –’

‘Whoa. Slow down, there, neighbor. Listen. You go get your sticks. I’m fixin’ to call LA and then make us some reservations.’

‘You two,’ Howie said, shaking his head. ‘Is there a Twelve-Step Program for golfers? Because I think you need it.’

AJ grinned and tousled Howie’s locks. ‘Aw, stow it, D. You and your boy-toy are coming along.’

‘But –’

‘Y’all need it. Every once in a while, the Bass is right,’ Brian said.

Howie exchanged a sultry look with Nick, who nodded enthusiastically, and then whipped out his PDA.

Of course, as the guys had long since learned, not even sudden enthusiasm and All the Money in the World translated into making things happen overnight. Logistics had been a vexed problem since they first decided to head for the Islands, and it was only some weeks later that the four found themselves on a plane far above the ever-changeable blue-greens of the Pacific.

In that AJ was scouting the place out as more or less of a surprise for Sarah (an idea Brian had tried desperately to talk him out of, on the grounds that brides generally insisted on micromanaging their own damn weddings, thank you very much), it wasn’t wholly odd that he was alone, and of course Howie and Nick were a couple anyway. But Brian was still of two minds about finding himself on a plane to Hawaii without his wife and the Official Backstreet Baby.

‘Miz LA’ – there was something of a contest between Brian, Cousin Kevin, and James Lance Bass to see who could drawl that nickname out most effectively – had, however, put her dainty foot down. The OBB was too young for the trip, she wasn’t going without the OBB, and yes indeedy Brian was going, to ride herd on AJ, which was another thing, because somebody had to hold the fort and head off any inconvenient questions from Sarah, or had they not thought of that, which is just menfolks for you, every single time, and besides she was going to be helping Sarah with the real planning, whatever AJ thought, so….

Brian had long since learned when to give in. It did not mean, however, that he had to like being without the wife he adored and the baby he idolized.

He was shaken from his reflections when AJ, with his serious face on, tapped him on the shoulder.

‘I want to talk to you three. Mainly you, Junior.’

When AJ got serious, it was an attention-getter. They huddled ’round.

‘Junior, ever since those last few run-ins just before your solo gig. Well. I’m happy as fuck you’ve turned things around the way you have. Woulda killed me if you’d fucked yourself up the way I had. Not a road to go down, man. Anyways. I’ve talked to my sponsor a lot about this trip, and he makes a good point. Hawai’i, man. Great place, but.’

Howie tumbled to it first. ‘That’s right, there was that bit about Timberlake in the news.’

‘He was in Hawaii?’

‘No, babe. About, well, how he and Nelly –’

‘Oh, yeah. I’d be really hum-bil-i-ated if I was he. Him. Whatever.’ Nick’s English was often at its most mangled when he was most earnest. ‘But. Um. Don’t take this wrong, Aidge, but it was just weed, right?’

‘Ain’t no fucking “just” about it, Junior.’

Nick gave him an especially earnest look. ‘Bone, I’m not trying to, you know. I just thought that was pretty harmless?’

‘Compared to other shit? First fucking time, maybe, and it don’t fucking stop with just weed for a lot of people. Shit, you could say that about vodka and tonics, man. Look. Nothing’s “pretty harmless” when you got an addictive personality. And Junior, everyone in this business has one. Bass could have became a real alcoholic real easy, with the stress and all; he barely dodged that bullet, I guess because of Josh and space, even though that was a washout, first go. And it weren’t for his heart, he’s like the fucking model of a power-trip coke addict. Same for Kev, though Kris would never allow it. Every one of us is at risk more than the average bear, Junior, because we are who we are thanks to having the sort of personalities that allowed us to get where we are but are also the sorts that would be really at risk here, and don’t try to tell me there hasn’t been some experimentation because I know better.’

‘But Booooooone….. If there was, it was way back, and never went anywhere, and besides. Why would I even think about any of this, which I hadn’t been, when I’ve got what rocks my world right here with me.’ He squeezed his lover’s hand and grinned. ‘You know: “Maui Howie.”’

AJ snorted, acknowledging the joke, but not to be deflected. ‘Junior. Point is, you don’t have to think about it. Fine, we’re going to a really cool resort that’s down with the celebs. Means they won’t sell the tabloids any pictures of you and D going at it like minks. But it also means, sometimes, that they…. Look. This place may not be like some. Most aren’t. But places, sometimes, that deal with too many of us – celebs? They get, fuck, kinda amoral. No crass offers, but a discreet wink that tells you anything and everything’s available … for a price.

‘They see Bri without the wife-unit and the Tater Tot, some places’d gently let him know that girls are available. Failing that, boys. “Want to keep that in the family, Mr Littrell? Of course, sir, we can fly out any member of O-Town on two days’s notice.” Me, hell, with my rep, there are places that would subtly offer everything from booze to blow to blowjobs: boys, girls, or goats, no questions asked.

‘You get where I’m coming from? All of you? You in particular, Junior? Because there are some people who think you and Timberlake are fucking twins, you know. And despite the fact that you’re the biggest pain in the ass since my first prostate exam last year, you’re also my friend and my brother and I don’t fucking want you hurt or messed with. And I especially don’t want D to have to deal with any more crap from anybody.’

Nick hung his head, remembering his most ignoble moments. AJ reached over and hugged him, fiercely. ‘I ain’t saying you ever fucking will again, Junior. But what hurts you hurts him, even if you’re not at fault, and there are people who’d hurt either one of you just so as to hurt the other that way. Dig?’

‘Okay,’ Nick said, hugging back.

‘Aidge?’ Brian looked thoughtful. ‘What would a place like that offer Chasez?’

‘Fuck, man, who knows? Crack, meth, and trail mix, maybe.’ AJ shuddered.

Almost certainly, the resort was not the sort of resort that would offer to facilitate unlawful temptations, though AJ had been wise to warn the others, on principle. No one could really imagine James Lance Bass’s not having checked the place out thoroughly before setting foot on the premises, for one thing. But had the management and staff had any inclinations towards such dubious pampering, they would have been nipped in the bud within the first five minutes. Upon checking in, AJ immediately discussed with the manager transportation to, and confirmed the meeting times he’d brought with him for, the local chapters of AA and NA, and verified that there were no minibars in any of the three cottages they had reserved, nor any alcohol in sight. D and Nicky had chimed in with certain menu restrictions. And Brian had instructed the staff to track him down at any time, anywhere, even on the golf course, on the highest priority, if there were a single peep from his wife or family. Wholesomeness could ask no more. They were the most boring celebrities the resort had ever hosted, and proud of it.

‘Are Mr and Mrs Richardson joining you at all,’ the manager had ventured to murmur.

Brian shook his head, and AJ, irrepressibly, said, ‘Naw, there was a sudden crisis with an endangered tree frog.’ Brian elbowed him in the brisket for that one. ‘What?’ AJ stage-whispered. ‘You’d rather I told them they were home m- –’

Brian dragged him away before he could finish the phrase, ‘making babies, or trying to.’

‘It’s not a contest,’ Brian hissed as they headed for the golf carts that would take them to their bungalows.

‘Hey, some people keep up with the Joneses, Kev feels his manhood’s been slighted by not beating you and LA to a sonogram.’

‘You’re plumb intolerable,’ Brian said, tolerantly.

The next morning, all internal clocks reset, Brian and AJ met up on the verandah of the Carter-Dorough ‘cottage’ – a ‘cottage’ almost in the Vanderbilts-at-Newport sense, as the resort was as almost as elegant as it was expensive – for breakfast.

‘Hope they’re awake.’

‘Fuck, I hope they’re out of bed as well. Those two. Man. Like rabbits.’

‘Oh shut on up and just knock. I’m hungry.’

Before AJ could, a grinning Nick threw open the door and ushered them in, unwontedly cheerful for the hour and with a telltale glow. ‘I heard you fuckwads. We’ve been up – have we ever –’

AJ groaned.

‘– And we were even done and decent when they came by with the chow.’

AJ looked over at the table, caught sight of the tropical fruits plate, and all but knocked Brian and Howie over in his race to a grab a seat.

‘ ’Parently I ain’t the only one as is hungry,’ Brian groused. Howie dropped him one of his infamous winks and whipped the cover off a serving dish.

‘My God,’ Brian said, reverently. ‘Biscuits and gravy! Out here!’ He kissed Howie resoundingly on the cheek and took a seat himself, gesturing furiously at Nick and Howie. ‘Hurry on up so’s we can say Grace before these get cold.’

Brian and AJ had wasted no time, after stuffing themselves, in putting on their cleats and heading to the links: they had a prime tee-time reserved. As they got in their golf cart, club bags already loaded in the back, Brian beckoned Howie over.

‘D, I don’t know if y’all mayn’t have some other plans – if so, y’all can reset this – but, call on down to the main desk and they’ll tell you, AJ and I set it up to where y’all have a powerboat waiting with a lunch packed and a course set. Thought that might be something you and Frack’d like.’

‘It’s perfect. Thank you so much.’

‘We’re serious about y’all getting some quality time away from it all. Sure done paid your dues, and y’all deserve this. And don’t feel y’all have to spend time with us, we’re not on the links, either.’

‘We will, though. But. Yes. This is great. Estupendo. You two are the best.’

‘We know,’ AJ smirked. ‘Thank us later, though, Sweetness. I intend to skin this country boy for every cent he has out there, and we’re burning daylight.’

As a fully qualified and duly certified master of such vessels, with Howie himself passed as an AB (after all, they co-owned the sailing sloop Rafe Semmes with Jamesanjosh, though James was definitely her captain, being the sail enthusiast amongst the four), Nick had had no difficulty at all in taking one of the resort’s powercraft out and putting her through her paces. Now, after lunch, she swung gently to her anchor in the Pacific swell, out of any danger and out of sight of prying eyes, as Nick and Howie lazed naked on her deck.

‘Ummm,’ Nick purred, eyeing Howie appreciatively. ‘Island Boy.’

Howie leaned over and kissed him before returning to a prime tanning position. ‘Hijito, I love you, but I am not wearing a grass skirt for you. Or any other kind, Kevin’s oh-so-hetly-masculine example notwithstanding.’

Nick ducked his head, grinning boyishly, which was usually calculated to get him whatever he wanted from Howie.

Not this time, however.

‘Nicky? Mi adorado, listen. There are some things we need to talk about, you and I.’

AJ swore as his putt described a circle clear around the very lip of the cup, and then skittered away by a good few feet.

Brian smirked. ‘Choke!’

‘Yeah, fucker, probably what Nick’s doing right now on D’s –’

‘Do you mind, Alexander?’

AJ turned to look squarely at his friend. ‘Look, I know you’re the closest thing to a saint, maybe excepting D himself, that exists in this fucking business. You’re also their biggest cheerleader, and I know that you’ve always made a point of pointing the fuck out that no one’s a hundred percent, so no one can cast stones without being a fucking hypocrite. It fucks with my head, after all that, to hear you say something like that. Something that if I didn’t know you as well as I think I do, I’d think there was tiny fucking bit of homophobia in there somewhere.’

Brian returned the frank glance just as steadily. ‘It ain’t about that at all. Matter of manners, Aidge. What’s the one thing we were hoping the most they’d finally get some of, out here?’

‘Ass?’

‘Alexander –’

‘Okay, okay. Privacy.’

‘Yep. Think about that a minute, will you? Even when we get them two away from all the hoorah and happy horseshit, they still have us all up in their business, way we’ve all been living out each other’s pockets since we was just chaps. You wouldn’t want us even joking, even joking lovingly, ’cause you know we do all love y’all, about you and Sarah, any more’n I really like hearing someone say “knock the bottom out of it” when I’m heading home to LA.’

‘Even when it’s Kevin who says it.’

‘Especially when it’s Kevin,’ Brian grinned. ‘Point is, though. Ain’t none of us guilty of bigotry. But every damn one of us, me included for certain sure, been guilty of poking too much in their lives.’

‘You’re right,’ AJ admitted. ‘You dwarfy little fucker. You’re right, and I’m wrong.’ And he pulled Brian into a one-armed hug.

Brian punched him playfully on the bicep, then did a double-take and punched him less playfully. ‘McLean, you sumbitch, you done put your big-ass cleated foot right smack on my line of putting!’

‘… It was like. Like you’d just thrown everything about us overboard from one of your speedboats.’

Nick snuffled, ashamed of his actions, unashamed to be shamed by them now.

‘Ah, mi querido. Don’t. It’s just. We needed to talk through this, finally, one time from start to finish, so we can go on and be free of it, free together.’

‘Didn’t know “sumbitch” and “big-ass” were Scriptural swear words,’ AJ said, to no one in particular. Earlier, he’d even stooped to whistling “Short People” while Brian was preparing to chip onto the green.

Brian rose from his hunkered-down posture, brandishing his putter meaningfully. ‘You don’t hush up while I’m lining up this putt, you’ll have a chance to ask the Good Lord about that personally in a minute.’

‘I know,’ Nick said, miserably. ‘And then. I was so empty, without you. My heart was. I couldn’t stand that, I couldn’t stand myself, I just. It was. Too much, D. Just too much.’

‘You think – never mind.’

‘What I think is, you’re fixing to put a ball right flat in that water hazard, you don’t stop showing off and lay-up like a sensible person.’

‘I said “never mind.”’

‘Naw, AJ, that won’t do. Not between us. Out with it, it’s all that important.’

‘I don’t want to be all up in their business.’

‘AJ.’

‘I just fucking worry, okay? I mean, do you think they’re really finally talking this through?’

‘They damn well better be, or this whole trip’s a waste. Except for beating your plus-fours offen you on this course.’

‘Dream on, midget man.’

‘Did you believe me when I told you this was real, this was forever?’

‘I wanted to. I did believe it. But I couldn’t believe it, neither. Too good to be true. I trusted you. I just didn’t trust me.’

‘Do you believe me now?’

‘Oh, God. God, Howie, yes. I really do. Really.’

‘Then that’s all we need, baby. And this? This is a closed chapter. It doesn’t have to eat away at us, and all those bad memories, now we throw them overboard, and we go on. Okay?’

‘I love you so much.’

‘I love you just as much, baby.’

‘Show me. Let’s take this below decks, and you show me. I need you, D.’

‘You have me,’ Howie said, simply, standing and reaching a hand down to pull his golden boy to his feet. ‘Always, you have me.’

‘Wait a damn minute, you little fucker. What did you mean back there, “otherwise, this is a wasted trip”? I had my own reasons for coming out here.’

Brian rolled his eyes. ‘I’ll have LA email you a copy of the schedule and the program, Bone. I’ve known for three weeks where and when the wedding’s going to take place, who the minister is, what hymns they’re singing, where the reception will be, where the honeymoon is – and yes, a week of it’s right here, but I’ll be damned if you’re bringing your clubs –’

AJ glared at him.

‘Oh, Lord’s sake, Aidge, you didn’t for one minute think Sarah, and LA and Kris, weren’t in complete charge of every detail here.’

‘Of course I didn’t, fuckwit. I’m the band freak, not the band idiot. I just pulled this stunt to sucker D and Nick into getting their asses out here and getting their shit squared away.’

‘Well, what the hell did you think I was doing?’

‘Jesus, Rok. Do you realize that in effect, we’ve just paid for the two of them to have a vacation, and we’ve spent what works out to several thou a hole just to play a golf course on Oahu?’

‘I knew that.’

‘You weren’t supposed to know that.’

‘I’m the head cheerleader for them two, remember?’

‘Uh-huh. But you thought I didn’t know. And you sprung what you thought was your big surprise on me right now, at this particular moment. Any reason for that, choirboy?’

‘When I’m only one up with six to play? Why the Sam Hill do you think I picked the moment?’

‘Oooooooh you play dirty, Littrell. Well, it ain’t going to work, because I already knew, so there.’

‘Oh, it’ll work either way. Still got you so riled up you won’t even make a gimme-putt for the rest of the round.’

‘You – you – fucking choirboy, my ass! You’re a shark, Littrell! Is this what Jesus would do?’

‘I don’t recall as the Savior ever played golf with you, match play. No telling what He’d be brought to consider, dealing with someone who fidgets during his opponent’s backswing and “coughs” when a man’s putting.’

‘Oh,’ Howie groaned. ‘If this music gig falls through, you should consider porn.’

Nick kissed him, greedily, and spread his legs, urgently. ‘I need you, papí.’

Brian, who was quite annoyingly cheerful (the match had ended with him two up with one to play), chivvied a sulky AJ into strolling over the Carter-Dorough bungalow that evening. There was a note on the door, addressed to them both. AJ opened it.

AJ was the picture of innocence until he clasped his hands at his belt buckle, tucked in his chin, and did his best Kurt Loder impression. ‘Sources report that Backstreet lead singer and solo artist Nick Carter has taken a week away from the studio to concentrate on breathing and throat exercises.’

This time, Brian did not call him on it. ‘I expect there may be some vocalizin’at some point,’ he quipped.

They looked at each other, mission completed, grinning – as Brian later put it – like a couple of possums, and solemnly shook hands.

END