He didn't know exactly what had driven him to be standing in front of the Bass home at that particular moment. Yet here he was, at eight o'clock in the morning, his finger hovering over the doorbell. He had been sitting in the car for almost an hour, having a fierce debate with himself and utterly losing. A little more effort, that's what Bobbie had told him. Just a little more effort on his part. Well, here he was, about to make that effort, and about to make a total fool out of himself. With a deep breath, he rang the doorbell.

"Joshua?!" Diane Bass couldn't help but show her surprise. "What on earth are you doing here?"

"Er, uh…. Good morning, Mrs. Bass." JC answered. "I – I … er…."

"Oh good heavens, come in! Come in! It's too cold for you to be standing out there like that in that thin coat. We usually don't get this cold down here in Clinton, but I guess it's just one of those years." Diane said as she ushered her guest into the living room, shaking off the light dusting of snowflakes that had accumulated on JC as he stood in the doorway. "Make yourself comfortable sweetie, I'll get you some coffee." JC tried to do as she ordered, sitting down on the couch. This was not the first time he had been to the Bass home, but it was the first time that he had been here on his own. Albeit that Lance was just up those stairs and to the right, probably still sleeping considering that he was just getting over his bout with walking pneumonia, JC still felt strange that he was sitting here, in the Bass living room, as an uninvited guest.

"Mama. Who on earth would be at the door this early in the morn-" Stacy's mouth stopped moving and just stayed open as she saw JC stand up from the couch in the living room, like a fish out of water. Her open-mouth gape slowly turned into a smile as wide as the Mississippi is long as she greeted her younger brother's friend. "JC? What on earth are you doing here, today of all days. Shouldn't you be in Bowie right now?!?"

"Morning Stace." JC said as he returned her hug. "I … er … I forgot to give your brother something before he left two days ago."

"Uh huh," Stacy said, unable to wipe the grin off her face as Diane returned to the room with some coffee-filled mugs for the three of them. "And just what is so important that you'd come all the way to little ole Clinton to deliver in person?" JC could feel the redness creeping up his neck in into his cheeks, and mercifully Diane came to his rescue.

"Oh Stacy. Stop harassing Joshua. It was mighty special for him to drop by like this, regardless of the reason." Diane said as she handed JC one of the steaming mugs.

"I, er … well, we always exchange Christmas gifts in the group, and I didn't catch Lance in time to give him his gift this year." JC stammered out an explanation before gulping down the coffee. Strange how he didn't even feel the burning liquid as it made its way down his esophagus, through his cardiac valve, and deposited itself in the pit of his grumbling stomach. At least he didn't look like a total idiot; he had actually remembered to bring the wrapped package with him into the house.

"But JC, I thought y'all exchanged gifts at the big Christmas party on tour last week. I distinctly remember Lance mentioning something about it when he got home evening before last." Stacy said playfully. This was too good an opportunity to pass up for her.

"Well, er, Lance and I … we … we … sort of give each other something … just between the two of us … a peace offering every year, you could say … what with the way we go at each other during the year…." JC fumbled through his words again. He saw that Stacy was enjoying herself way too much for her own good. He would have played along too, except for the fact that Mama Bass was sitting between the two of them, sipping her morning coffee like the perfect southern plantation mother.

"Like that nice cashmere sweater that you gave him two years ago? Or that antique pistol last year?" Stacy asked, her eyebrow arched just enough to ask JC ten other unspoken questions.

"Yes, Stace. Reminders for us not to kill each other during the year." JC answered, making a mental note to himself to throttle Joey as soon as he saw the man. No doubt Joey was behind Stacy's mischief.

"Well, Joshua. I'm sure that Lance will appreciate you going through so much trouble just to deliver this to him. It's too bad he's not here himself right now –" Diane said as she took the gift and put it under the tree.

"Oh?" JC asked, a bit puzzled at to where Lance could be, at this early hour.

"Yes, he went to see Jessie." Stacy said, not realizing what she had said until it was too late.

"Oh," JC said, "I see."

"No, JC, I don't think you see at all." Stacy interjected, trying to correct her mistake. "It's not like that."

"Stace, it's okay. Really, I understand, I do," JC said again. "Would you mind telling him that I stopped by and giving him the present when he comes back? I … I have to get back to Orlando now. The family's down there for Christmas this year and –"

"No, Joshua. You don't understand at all," Diane said, looking at JC with sympathetic eyes. "I want you to sit here and wait for me. I'm just going to get changed and then I want to take you somewhere."

"Please, Mrs. Bass, I really need to get going," JC begged off, but Diane would have none of it.

"Joshua, wait for me here. I'll be back in five minutes." Diane said sternly. "Stacy, you make sure he waits for me."

"Yes, ma'am," JC and Stacy said simultaneously.

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

"May I ask where we're going?" JC said as he turned the car, following Diane's clear instructions.

"To an enlightenment," Diane answered in a cryptic tone that so contrasted with her crisp geographical directions. "You need to understand something about my son."

"This was a bad idea. I shouldn't have come; I shouldn't have barged in on your family like this." JC said as he made the final turn onto a road lined with weeping willows.

"No Joshua. It took courage for you to do this, to take this first step." Diane said quietly as she patted JC's right shoulder. As the car rounded a slight hill, JC could finally see their destination, and an uneasy knot formed at the pit of his stomach. He brought the car to a stop on a gentle slope, and quietly followed Mrs. Bass as she made her way across the snow-covered ground. They finally stopped in front of two red roses that had but recently been placed on the ground. Footprints in the snow told JC that they were not the first visitors to this grave today. He read the name and dates silently as Diane began to speak to him:

Jessica Knowles

Beloved daughter, sister, and friend

May 4, 1979 - August 8, 1995

"Jessie and Lance were the best of friends since the day they were born. Her parents are our best friends. Her mother Susan and I were sorority sisters. Jim and her father Steven were college roommates. They're both Stacy's and Lance's godparents," Diane said as she knelt down and offered a small prayer. JC did the same, offering a prayer for a person he never knew.

"Lance was inseparable from Jessie while they were growing up. The two were like twins, where you found one, you always found the other." Diane continued, her hands gently brushing the roses that her son had left earlier that morning.

"She … she's the one in the picture, isn't she?" JC asked, finding himself shivering from the cold.

"Yes, Lance never goes anywhere without that picture. He's got a smaller one, of the two of them together at their middle school prom, in his wallet." Diane answered.

"He loved her." It was a statement, not a question that came out of JC's mouth.

"Yes, Joshua. Lance loved her. He loved her like the second sister he never had, like the best friend that he would give up his life for, like she was a part of him, which she was, in her own special way. She was the first one he told when he came out, and she was the one who helped him come to terms with it, and she helped us understand it, " Diane said, trying to make the young man beside her see.

"What – what happened?" JC almost whispered. If he was going to do this, then he had to know. He had to listen, and he had to learn what Diane was trying to teach him. He had to know.

"It was Lance who found her. It was the middle of the day, and Steve was at work and Susan and I were having lunch with the PTA. Lance had been helping us all morning at the school and left about noon to pick her up for choir practice. When she didn't answer the door, he let himself in with his spare key. He found her in her bed. He thought she was sleeping at first, but when he walked around to see her face –" Diane stopped at this point, and JC could see that it was difficult for her to go on. But she did. "Susan and I got a call from the hospital. We thought that they had been in a car accident, but when we got to the emergency room, the police told us what had happened. They said the paramedics had to sedate Lance when they arrived at the house. The police ruled it an accidental shooting, saying that the gun probably went off by mistake. But that's about all they can say about it."

"Oh God." JC heard his voice choke out. He looked again at the date. It was his birthday.

"Lance was in therapy for a long time afterwards. He built up this wall around himself, shutting everybody out. He even shuts us out most of the time. The psychiatrist said that it was his way of coping with his grief. He became an emotional robot. He built the artificial person that you see everyday. No real feelings, no chance of getting hurt, no chance of that pain coming back to torment him again and again," Diane said as she took JC's hands into her own. "And no one has been able to penetrate that wall of his until now, Joshua. He won't admit it to you or even to himself yet, but you're inside that wall, Joshua. He's let you in, and he wants you to stay there but he's terrified. He's terrified that if he lets his feelings surface again, then he'll have to face those demons again."

"He – he never told us, any of us," JC found himself struggling to talk as tears ran down his cheeks. He couldn't even imagine what Lance had gone through, to find his best friend, his Soulmate, like that … it was unimaginable.

"No, he buries it deep inside himself. He never talks about it, to anyone." Diane agreed. They slowly got up and headed back to the car. As they made their way back to the present, back to the reality of Christmas morning, JC now understood.

"Thank you," he said as he turned into the Bass driveway. "Thank you for telling me."

"No, thank you for coming here, on this day," Diane said as she gave him a small kiss on his cheeks.

"And you and Mr. Bass don't mind, I mean, that I … that I –" JC stuttered, not quite able to find the right words to ask his question.

"Oh Joshua. After everything I've told you this morning, do you really think that we would?" Diane smiled. "He's our son, we love him, as you do, and that's all that matters."

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

"Mama? What are you doing out –" Lance, like Stacy not so long before him, stood open-mouthed in his living room as he saw his mother come in from the cold winter air, followed by a very unexpected face.

"What the hell are you doing here?!?" Lance asked in an astonished voice.

"James Lance Bass, how many times have I told you about swearing in this house?" Diane admonished her son sternly. "And where are your manners, young man? I don’t remember teaching you to be quite so rude to your guests."

"I'm sorry, Mama. I'm sorry, JC." Lance said quickly, his southern breeding quickly taking over.

"Nice to see you too, country boy," JC quipped. "You're always telling me how great your mighty Mississippi Christmas traditions are, so I came to see for myself."