(Originally written April 5, 1999)

We have noticed that twice now Kassandra has referred to tomato soup -- made with milk, not water -- and grilled cheese sandwiches as Mulder's idea of comfort food. Once, in "All I Want for Christmas: Consensus Reality" (Part 11) with Skinner, and again in "Shock the Monkey" with Krycek.

This has occasioned a deep and philosophical discussion on the proper preparation of tomato soup and grilled cheese, since it turned out these were pretty much our comfort foods as well. (Solan is far more fanatical about this than Josan, who has other comfort foods depending on the nature of the need.)

Since neither Skinner nor Krycek seems to be familiar with these foods as such, we feel it our privilege, and duty, to so inform them. Not omitting the traditions associated with the eating of said comfort foods.

PRESENT DAY:

When we re-discovered this hidden away on a lonely disk, we thought that, in the spirit of the season, with all the stress that comes with shopping and weather, we could all use some comfort. We'd like to take this opportunity to thank JiM and MJ for some new and much-needed *classic* Mulder/Skinner, inspiring us to finally post this, two years after the original writing.

And thanks, of course, to Kassandra for giving us the mental picture in the first place!

Usual DISCLAIMERS (RE: CC, Fox and 1013). Because we have to. But we are beginning to feel that they belong more to us in Slashdom than they ever have to the Hollywood types.

Quotes come from Kassandra's "All I Want for Christmas". Which you can find, if you haven't read it -- and why haven't you read it, eh! -- on her site.

This contribution to the season contains no sex, no violence.

It is an *educational* vignette.

Mulder wandered past...[Skinner]...toward the kitchen. He followed after a few moments of pan clattering, found Mulder focused on buttering bread while the griddle pan heated on the stove.

Josan: No griddle pan? Use a cast iron one, more common in Canada. Teflon ONLY if you have absolutely no other choice. A grill, one of the older models, is ideal. And make sure it is good and hot!

Solan: Argument on butter. Yes, of course the OUTSIDE of the bread must be buttered -- or margarined if you're into that stuff, though for comfort food, butter can not be considered a luxury, rather a bit of spoiling...we are talking comfort food here!

Josan: Now some people wonder whether or not the inside of the sandwich is buttered. This is up to personal taste. Solan says never, I say depends on just how badly you need this comfort.

Mulder carefully placed slices of buttered bread on the griddle, butter side down, and began to cut thick slices of cheese.

Josan: Big argument here. Is the sandwich to be grilled in separate pieces or as a ready made? This can be very controversial.

Solan: Some schools of thought feel that first you fry the bread, add the cheese -- discussion on cheese to follow -- add the top slice, then flip over.

Josan: Other schools correctly feel that the whole sandwich is assembled immediately after the bottom slice is placed on the hot pan. This insures proper cheese melting.

Solan: If using a grill, all of this is academic for obvious reasons.

Josan: Now for the cheese. Again there is much diverse feeling. For real comfort food, some feel that the pseudo-cheese that is made by the company which is not-so-subtly buying up all small independent cheese factories (aka dairies) up here in Canada to put them out of business or to reduce their output or to make them pass their product off as the real thing is the only "cheese" that qualifies as comfort food.

Solan: Remember, comfort does not equal gourmet.

Josan: There are other schools of thought that feel that the pseudo-cheese will never pass over their threshold, and as such, only the "real" thing -- is any of it real any more what with all the preservatives they are shooting into cows before the milk comes out to become cheese? But I digress. -- is to be used in their household.

Solan: It doesn't matter. What really matters is the colour. It must be that orangey colour, or it is not real comfort food.

Skinner: "The question is, do we have any kosher dills. Grilled cheese sandwiches really need kosher dills."

Josan: WOW! Gigantic controversy here. What are dills, never mind kosher dills, doing here? Okay for a meal of grilled cheese, but as comfort food?

Solan: Dills *are* comfort food -- olives and pickles rank right up there for me. However, I will acknowledge that not everyone might feel that way.

Josan: It is very obvious -- no need to read later on -- that Mrs. Skinner failed the comfort-food-for-her-children test. A neighbour used to bring over minestrone soup -- great comfort food in itself, but not for us.

Josan: So, dills, even if they are kosher dills, really have no place in this comfort food discussion.

Solan: And if they did, it would have to be the type of kosher dills pickled in brine, not vinegar, which are not the real thing anyways.

Josan: 'Nuff said about dills.

"You have to almost burn the grilled cheese. Very crisp....Don't forget, really crisp. Not soggy."

Solan: Right on, Mulder! Almost burnt, very crisp.

Josan: God forbid! soggy!

Solan: That's why the pan has to be hot before the first slice goes in. The bread should be, at its best, very dark brown. Not black. It is not burnt, just on the borderline.

Josan: And not just one side. Both sides have to be pretty much the same colour.

Solan: And it has to be crisp, otherwise it's just goo.

Josan: And to get it crisp, you have to squish it down flat with a spatula -- or egg flipper. Both sides. Remember, a grilled cheese has to be very flat to be perfect.

Solan: That's to help the cheese melt to the proper consistency.

Josan: More on this later, when we discuss the eating of the grilled cheese sandwich.

"The secret is to make it with milk."

Skinner shrugged, reached for the can and accepted the can opener Mulder handed him. Opened it and dumped the gelid mass into the soup pan. "Milk, huh?"...He got the milk out, used the can to measure it and stirred the resultant mixture until it was more or less smooth. Flipped the burner on low and regarded the contents of the pan dubiously.

Solan: Okay. It is very obvious from the above that Skinner has NO idea how to prepare tomato soup from a can. And again there are two schools of thought on this subject.

Josan: Yes. There is the stir-it-up-in-the-can school that says; take a fork, whip it through the mass of tomato concentrate BEFORE dumping it into the pan. Yes, it can get sloppy, but you are an adult so be careful. And yes, some of it will stick to the can, but if you're that fanatical about it, a small plastic scraper will get it out.

Solan: Then there is the dump-as-is school. True, with this you get a solid lump in the pan, but whip it up, smooth it out with a fork and all will be well. An aside here. Personally, I have *never* used a fork to stir my tomato soup. To make coffee with, yes, but that's another story.

Josan: No comment.

Solan: We also won't comment about your habit of putting maple syrup on potato chips.

Josan: Either way, smooth it out BEFORE adding the milk. Side note here. In the fifties and sixties, the directions for preparing tomato soup were different in Canada from the United States. It was pre-quota time, just after the war, and there was a glut of milk on the Canadian market -- no Milk Marketing Boards.

Solan: If you're not Canadian, don't bother asking for an explanation about MMB. Very involved. Very boring. One could even say, very Canadian.

Josan: Anyways, in Canada, the directions read, "Add milk". In the USA, "Add water". Today, in Canada, they state, "Add milk or water".

Solan: Either way, stir it up before you add the secondary liquid.

Josan: Added a bit at a time to insure that there are no lumps. There's nothing worse than lumpy tomato soup.

Solan: And it does taste a hell of a lot better with milk. And use the real thing, not a soya substitute.

Josan: For an extra bit of comfort, use milk and some cream...

Solan: Cracked pepper is nice, too, if you're trying to add some pizzazz to your comfort. Or if you have a cold.

Josan: Another aside here. If you don't have the fixings for a grilled cheese, take a sleeve of crackers...

Solan: The salty type. Forget that salt-free stuff. Or if that's all you have, add a sprinkle of salt.

Josan: Take a sleeve of crackers, and smash them to bits. With a rolling pin. A bottle. Your foot -- be careful not to burst the wax paper wrapper.

Solan: I prefer to use my fingers to break the crackers up. That way you can lick the salt and crumbs off -- as an appetizer, so to speak.

Josan: Ladle yourself a bowl...

Solan: Or, if you are very efficient, use a mug.

Josan: Lazy, you mean. Especially if you still haven't done last week's dishes...

Solan: *Efficient*. It allows you to hold the grilled cheese in one hand while holding the mug with the other.

Josan: Sprinkle a goodly amount of the crumpled crackers into the tomato soup. Stir it up. Wait a minute or two.

Solan: Yes, it looks like...Well, whatever you do, don't ask a five year old what it looks like. You won't like the answer.

Josan: It doesn't matter what it looks like. Comfort food doesn't need to be pretty. Just taste comforting. And this does.

Solan: Back to the grilled cheese now, ready to be taken off the grill.

Josan: Crisp, not soggy, remember. Which means, you can't leave it on the plate too long. So eat it as you're spooning the soup.

Solan: And there is a way of eating it that is also very comforting.

Josan: But, first of all, before we get to that, we have to discuss how to cut the sandwich.

Solan: If your mother made this for you, you already know the correct and only way of cutting that exists for you. But, if you've never tried it, there are various ways, all of them good in their own way, of cutting a grilled cheese sandwich.

Josan: As a kid, you were probably given the triangle or square cut. Great, either one, for a child's small hand.

Solan: And you may want to continue this tradition for yourself. Understandable. This is comforting in itself.

Josan: As an adult, you can try the straight up-and-down cut or the diagonal cut. Either is very acceptable. It just depends on how comfortably the sandwich fits in your hand for eating.

Solan: Now, once you have the sandwich in your hand, you have to squish it, toward the centre and front, to get the cheese to ooze out so you can lick it. A pro can get most of the cheese out before taking a first bit.

Josan: Which is why you need crisp, not soggy. You can't get a proper squish movement if the bread is soggy.

Solan: And then, you can pull the bread apart to see if you've gotten most of the cheese.

Josan: Or you can just eat it. The pulling apart here is optional.

Solan: If the sandwich cools down, you might want to pull it apart to see if you can remove one of the bread slices, leaving all the cheese on the other slice.

Josan: Some people even like dunking their sandwich, after squishing, of course...

Solan: Of course.

Josan: ...into their soup. With or without crackers.

Solan: Some will even used their crusts to sop up the last of the soup from the bowl.

Josan: This is perfectly allowable. After all, this is comfort food.

Solan: So...

Josan: If you're feeling down...

Solan: If you are fighting off a cold or the flu...

Josan: If you're recovering from having your arm re-grown by a morph...

Solan: Nanobytes...

Josan: Alien abduction...

Solan: Torture...

Josan: Being buried alive...

Solan: Instant fatherhood...

Josan: Being shot in the forehead...Oops, forgot! That *never* happened!

Solan: There is nothing more comforting than tomato soup and a grilled cheese sandwich. Especially if Mulder...

Josan: And Skinner...

Solan: Are there to share it with you.

NIF

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