YALSON
Name:
Yalson.
Position: Co-editor,
compulsive writer and all-round bon-viveur.
Date of birth: 10-01-76.
Biggest Achievement: Receiving
the shortest and most dismissive review I have ever seen in the NME’s
‘Holly’s Demo Hell’ for The Battle Of Grey’s Peak EP,
which I recorded with my last band in London.
It was two lines long, and ended “for crying out loud…..”
Secret weapon: Bass
artillery.
Bad habits: Errrm…..
I snore. But that’s not
really a habit, as it’s something I can’t really help.
According to eyewitness accounts, however, it is certainly bad.
Quote: ‘An old
woman was walking down the road when she saw a gang of youths beating
a poisonous snake. She
rescued the snake and carried it back to her home, where she nursed it
back to health. They
became firm friends and lived together for many months.
One day they were going into town.
The old woman was picking the snake up to put him in her bag
when the snake bit her. Repeatedly.
“Oh God!” she screamed, “I am dying!
Why? I was your
friend. I saved your
life! I trusted you! Why
did you bite me?”
The snake looked up at her and said, “Lady, you knew I was a snake when you first picked me up.”’
Parable, quoted by Hunter S. Thompson in Better Than Sex.
Hero: Luke Haines, Chris Morris, Hunter S. Thompson, Eddie Izzard, Nick Cave, Howard Marks.
I
would sell my soul for... What have you got?
I wouldn’t be seen dead wearing...
Flares. And/or
sandals.
I’d do anything for Mmmm, Juicy, but I won’t... answer the
next question. I’m
claiming the fifth.
When I die, promise you’ll never look....
Well, I have numerous places where I wouldn’t want anyone to
look, but I’m not going to tell you about them, because if you ever
come round to my house, what’s the first thing you’re going to do
when the opportunity arises? I’m
not worried about people discovering stuff anyway, as I have a ‘porn
buddy’. This is where
you and one of your friends make a pact that if one of you dies, then
the other will somehow get into your house/room and clear it of
anything incriminating before anyone gets a chance to find it.
If both of you die at the same time, though, then everyone will
obviously remember both of you as filthy perverts when they clear your
respective rooms…..
Hang the blessed DJ because... he won’t play ‘Kennedy’ by
The Wedding Present. Fucking
christenings…..
If you were Batman who would be your Robin? I wouldn’t have a Robin. I’d have a Sugar Girl.
If you were Itchy who would be your Scratchy? I love everyone, so I could not possibly stick dynamite under their eyelids and blow their head off.
Would you rather everyone could read your mind, or no one could understand you? If everyone could read my mind, I very much doubt if they would be able to understand it anyway, so I doubt if it would make much difference. Hell, I don’t understand it most of the time, and I live there…..
If you could invent something what would it be? If I knew that, I’d have invented it by now and would be living in a solid-gold house with diamond windows.
Do
you believe in hell? No.
Do you think you'll end up there?
Not if God is anyone worth knowing.
If you could add a new word to the dictionary what would it be and what would it mean? Compulsiasm: n. State of mind in which every single thing a person comes into contact with is considered to be the most amazing thing which ever existed. Sometimes all at the same time. Often displayed by the desperately insecure in an annoying attempt to prove to their peers that they do actually have a personality, and by people old enough to know better when smoking cannabis, in an attempt to prove to their peers that it’s no big deal and that they do this kind of thing all the time, man, when in fact they are making fools of themselves because the ‘joint’ which was passed to them contained nothing more intoxicating than Old Holbourn.
Describe
yourself in 5 words:
I’m fine when in company.
Favourite song: ‘Complete
Control’ by The Clash.
Favourite bands: The
Auteurs, The Clash, Roxy Music, The Strokes, Elastica, Teardrop
Explodes, Joy Division, Carter USM, Six By Seven, PJ Harvey, Nick Cave
And The Bad Seeds, Gallon Drunk etc. etc.
Favourite TV shows: The
News, Have I Got News For You, Police Squad, Anything with Chris
Morris in it, Match Of The Day, Stargate SG-1, Star Trek TNG.
Favourite films: Scarface,
The Shawshank Redemption, Apocalypse Now, Bladerunner, Seven, Twelve
Angry Men, Rear Window, Fear And Loathing In Las Vegas, Pulp Fiction,
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest and virtually anything with
Clint Eastwood in it.
Finally,
Would you rather eat a teaspoonful of your own shit, or a whole baby? How big a baby is it? Are we talking three months premature, or nine months old, here? It matters, you know. Errrm, I suppose it’d have to be the shit. At least I know where that’s been. And a teaspoonful isn’t that much. You could have it over with in a second. A baby, on the other hand, would end up hanging around in the fridge half-eaten for days, like a Turkey after Christmas. And there’s nothing in the world so unappetising as lunchtime sandwiches containing four-day old baby carcass. Everyone knows that.
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