I got in an argument with Lou last Thursday and haven't spoken to him since. Well the thing is, it wasn't really an argument, it was more of a misunderstanding on his part but all the same ..
And it got me thinking. Do we really have free will, or is that just an illusion planted in our minds to keep us calm, keep us quiet? Keep us from learning the truth about our world and what it really is?
I'll explain how the first led to the latter. Everyone has opinions and views. I'm not stating that as time goes by, experiences and events can't change those viws and opinions, because events have changed mine a lot.
But- A person's direct influence can rarely change an opinion and/or view. Per example, if I was to tell a catholic that Jesus wasn't real, my opinion alone would most likely not have the slightest bit of influence on that person's opinion. It is that person's belief that Jesus was in fact, real, and the simple fact that I don't believe that isn't about to make someone else suddenly believe what I do.
Lou has been very good to me these past months, being there for me when virtually no one else has (Not that people haven't tried,but most just don't have the patience for me and I understand that) he's been kind, helpful, and tried to be understanding.
But there are some things he will simply never understand because his beliefs and opinions forbit it. The thing is, his response to the situation we had a misunderstanding over was completely un-surprising. Despite the fact that I respect him and am forever grateful to him, I expected nothing less than the words and opinions he held over me during.
And I realized that that's one of the main reasons I've become so dis-interested in people as of late, because they're so disappointingly predictable. No matter what their origional intention, people are doomed to disappoint one another. We all crave someone to share our soul with, but there are no real puzzles that fit together in every place. We try to meld either as lovers, friends or family, but it is inevidable that we will come to a screeching halt in the process sooner or later. It can't be avoided.
I have thought for countless hours, days, months ..why there is so much pain in this world, and why there isn't a fair balance between pain and happiness. I've come up with a theory. I don't know at this time that I believe it to be Absolute Truth because parts of the theory contradict a belief I've held for many years. ( Self-point proven that our opinions hold barriers over what we are able to understand) but it would make at least some sense out of the madness.
Anyway. The traditional belief of 'hell' is "fire and brimstone." I'm not a christian and I do not believe in their version of Hell, in fact for years i didn't believe in Hell at all.
But I'm starting to wonder if I've been wrong about that. Eternal torment, without putting a physical image and/or label to it, is not only pain that never ceases, but a lack of understanding WHY this pain is so present and constant.
That's exactly what I've felt every day for as long as I can remember, Pain. It's come in many forms, and I've falsified my belief that "When this event ends, my pain will be gone." But it never does.
So I have to wonder what around me is real, and what is designed and fabricated for my pain. Are some people merely holographic projections put here to add salt to the wound that's never meant to close? And if so, which of the rest are just as real as I am, and in the same position as me? How would I ever know?
And then I realize that this isn't something I'm supposed to know. Im supposed to think that this is still Life, and I'm merely waiting to see what happens after I die. I'm not supposed to know that I'm already dead and to the next level, because part of the torment is me not knowing. So ..if the higher power finds out I know the truth, what would happen to me? What could possibly be worse than eternal torment? I'm scared to know.
Don't misunderstand. I am not claiming in any way that my pain is worse than other people's. That my exact point actually, is that there are plenty of people here in the same position as me, which only lends more credence to my theory. The problem is that most of them likely don't realize what's going on, and it's a blessing as well as a curse.
Just because I suspect my theory could possibly be the truth, doesn't mean that I feel I can do much about it. If this is it, it's It and not even what I think as 'death' would stop it. I'd just be right where I am now, because in essence I'm already dead.
But that's also why some people simply would have no understanding for my theories, because although there are plenty of people in just as much pain as me, there are also those who are not. My question is if these people are even Real, but besides that, they would have no reason to understand that this could be Hell, if they don't feel tormented. I'm not angry with them for this, it's simply the way things are.
This concludes my long-winded jumbled thoughts for the evening.