I get it now. The only problem is ..I don't want it.
Ever since I was a little girl, the only thing I ever wanted was a fairy tale come true. A glass slipper on my foot, to be loved for who I am, and I didn't expect every day to be bliss, but I wanted the faith and security that no matter what happened in life, every night I could say I love you, and hear it back. No Matter What. To fall asleep with faith in tomorrow and trust in the strength of love over bitterness, of goodness over badness.
And I didn't believe people who shook their heads at me, looked down at me and told me how idealitic and unrealistic that was. Why should it be unrealistic to want that for one's self? I held onto that belief my entire life, despite every single horrible thing I witnessed. I made it through a lot because I honestly believed that if I held on long enough, life would give me my simple dream. Like every trial was a test to see if I deserved my dream.
And suddenly when wasn't expecting it, my dream seemed to become a reality. I was amazed that something in my head and heart was walking and talking, and I felt so blessed, and that every trial was indeed worth the struggle. Every night before I slept, I got to say the words I'd been longing to feel, and mean them will all of my heart. And I got to hear them back ..in essence, I got to fall asleep every single night having faith in humanity, in love, in dreams, and just being able to see and hear this amazing thing every night, weather it be for hours, or even just a quick moment, was everything I had ever dreamed.
But now I understand that although it was real, is real, will always be real in my heart, I was kidding myself to believe that it was truly my dream of the eternity of the rest of my life. And it's no one's fault, not mine, nor his ..simply life. Life dictates us all, grabs us with it's claws and leaves no room for that small peice of magic every day. I don't get to fall asleep smiling, with faith in people, or even faith for the future. It's true what they say, no one knows what the future will bring, and that's one of the scariest things of all to realize.
The magic of the start of love, every single day, the 'idealistic' dream I had, is just that. Idealistic. They were right ..but I know I can't settle for anything less. And I'm not sure where that leaves me, except back where I've been my entire life. A shadow, looking in at the rest of humanity as an obsever, unable to understand how they can live this medoicre life void of magic and dreams and be happy like that, and even more confused as to why I Can't live like that, and be happy.