Excerpts from my Journal


Gordon Houghton's picture interpreting how he feels about self injury.

This is stupid. I can't believe I am even writing this right now, I can't believe anything anymore. Things are going nowhere , my life is going nowhere. Day after day, it's always the same thing. Day after day nothing seems to change. Where is this going to take me? I am putting on this sherade for everyone, I don't feel that anything has a meaning anymore, I don't feel anything good. My days are filled with laughter, smiles... excuses, deep breaths, and constant thoughts about things I really don't want to be thinking about. I feel like I am out of control of my life... like it is all planned out for me and I have no say in which direction I am heading. I break down into tears so much now but everything seems so perfect. Wat the hell is wrong with me? I seem to have the perfect life... but there is so much pressure , so many responsibilites, so many things to live up to. It's starting to seem pointless.


So many things have been going on in my head and I don’t know what to make of it. I am falling back into cutting: FAST. I am not going to bother telling you the number of times that I have cut, because there is really no point. I can’t even describe how I feel when I want to cut because it brings the feeling back.
For awhile I thought that the cutting wasn’t helping anymore and although I felt that I had lost a friend, I was relieved. Now, I have come to the conclusion that it still helps, but not for as long. I hate to admit it, but this scares me.
I have so much anger built up inside of me… people are always throwing things on me, because they know I will do them. I feel that I am being taken advantage of by so many people. I can’t get mad, I have never been good at getting mad at anyone but myself. What if the person dies and we are on bad terms? What if the person leaves me? (so many people have left me over this…) It’s hard for everyone else to understand how that feels. They don’t understand that I don’t want them to try and rescue me but I also don’t want them to desert me. There is a happy medium to everything in life.
I just want to get up and scream sometimes but it’s like the angel/devil scenario and the angel always wins. I feel stuck.

I feel that I can’t even turn to my list of alternatives anymore. I am back looking for the “quick fix” and I feel that I have spiraled down the entire ladder I have built for myself. (Hell, maybe I even broke the ladder!) But deep down I know, broken ladders can be fixed and steps can be climbed again, one step at a time, with patience and persevearance. Unfortunately, I can’t find the motivation to take that first step, or pick up that first nail to hammer into the wood, instead of scratching it against my skin. I am so afraid of failure, so afraid of falling again.

I don't know what is going on inside my head anymore. I have been really good... haven't cut in a couple of days... really the only thing that is stopping me is the scars that I will acquire... which is weird because that has never really bothered me before.
I strange today, I was driving and I kept getting these flashes where at one minute I would feel completely content with my life, the next minute I was full of regrets, doubts... and other horrible feelings. It really freaked me out.
I guess more later... I can't really think right now... stayed up until four out dancing and stuff... and had to get up early this morning... my brain is mush!

Things have been a bit better this past week, but it has also been March Break. Makes me wonder if that has something to do with it. I have been busy this week with my best friend... there are a lot of things going on in her life right now. I really don't want to go back to school, or go to work tonight for that matter. I think I am going to get into trouble, and I hate getting into trouble. I hate being yelled at, especially for things I didn't cause to happen. I just want to go to sleep for the next couple of weeks, and not have to worry about anything. All I ever do is worry, but that is what I do best.

Sometimes I don't understand why I try so hard. I got my first good report card in school in like three years (90% average) and then I stop trying. I stop going to class, I stop caring. What the hell is going on in my head? I have been screwing everything up so much lately, and I am trying to help everyone else with their problems, because they make more sense to me... unlike what I am going through I can see it at a rational level... I get to find out if I have a brain tumour tomorrow... wonderful (wow, that was really random!) It's probably nothing, I am a bit of a hypochondriac!
Work is really fucking me over, my boss is mad at me and she's isn't a very nice person to begin with. I guess I am going to stop complaining... so much shit is going down, that it doesn't even feel that it is worth explaining anymore... I just want to go out and get stoned so at least then I won't cut my arms up. (goddamn random arm checks...) More later...

Today I found a group on the internet called cut it out. They have a place for self injurers to talk and are there to help anyone who needs it. Their address is http://groups.msn.com/CutItOut/_whatsnew.msnw I will add it to my links page as well.

Today is the day that marks five years since the first time that I remember cutting. I can pick out the exact scar on my arm, can remember wondering if I needed stitches and if I did, what I would say to my parents. I don't remember cutting before that, although I know I did, because I have flashes of images in my mind, of wrapping my arm in paper towel and explaining why I was wearing a long sleeve shirt in the summer. 5 years... that's a really long time. wow.

January 1st, supposed to be a happy day, and I find myself wanted to cut so bad, and I don't know why I hurt so much inside, don't know why everything is all of a sudden catching up to me. I have been trying to control the urge for the past few hours now and it is getting really hard and I don't know if I can do it. I'm scared shitless.

I should be happy right now. I should be estatic for my future... I have an amazing summer job lined up, I've been accepted to the 4 universities that I applied to, but I can't even force myself ot smile tonight. I'm scared for my best firend, who called me this morning asking me why she shouldn't drive off the road because she felt life wasn't living. I have never been so scared. And now, now I haven't heard from her even though she said she was going to call me back after her psych appt. And her cell phone is turned off. I'm terrified.
I don't want to think about it.
I don't know where I am going to be living in like 4 months, don't know what I am going to do because this decison about university affects the rest of my life. I am scared of moving away and having my support system crashing. I am scared of relapsing after about 10 months. I feel so selfish for being scared, but I hate pretending that everything is all right, when all I want to do is break down.


My heart’s popping right out of my chest, took too many pills downed with booze, maybe that’s why I’m a mess… Take another sip, feel it pass through my lips, drink away the loneliness to seep down to happiness. There’s no way I’ll make it, I just rest. I can’t fucking rest! I can’t fucking think, my mind’s connected to my heart, maybe that’s why I’m out of sync. I don’t even like wine, prefer rum instead, but I don’t have much choice when dad and mom are in bed. Can’t sleep, can’t think, can’t live anymore; I’m in too deep. I need to put a lid on this mess, need to live it to enjoy it. FUCK THAT! Take drugs, fuck it to hell, send me to jail! But it’s a roof over my head, proof that I’m not dead. I’ve been led inside four square walls, they’re closing in. I’m staring to fall, from sins that are so hard to try and control. I don’t know how much pressure I can take, happiness is hard to fake. It’s hard to lie daily to those who care dearly, but it’s the only way out without having to think about shit. The walls are closing in, I’m losing control. I don’t know how much more pressure I can take.

I am even to ashamed to say it, too scared to face it, can’t break it down to write it, it’s too large, to fresh in my mind. I can’t seem to find the right words to rhyme. As I talk around in circles trying to get it off my chest you hang over me waiting to infest. Kill me like the rest, at least I wouldn’t have to remember November, but with friends thinking it was a one night stand, thinking we just fucked, that I wanted it, that you were one of the best, it’s hard to forget, it makes me feel like shit but I can’t tell them it. My word against yours, your body against mine, it’s a fine line between sex and rape. Drinking makes it easy for bad judgment to take over, especially when you buy me booze in fours. I can’t handle your pressure, I only have two hands, which is how you managed to land my drunk ass in your bed and then you asked, didn’t wait for my answer, just invaded, made it easy as your held my hands above my head.

I don’t know why I care so much, I don’t know why I crave their touch. I don’t know why I ask for it, even when I know I’ll regret it. It’s a vicious circle, a monstrous cycle. It’s when you rise to the top and slam back down, it’s frowning at everyone down below as you crash, hoping you don’t smash everyone’s heart to pieces, even though yours has been toyed with… through drinking, touching, watching and listening. The five senses should be treasured not feared, the home should be comforting, not destructive. I should not care so much, I should just put up with this rush of emotion without asking questions.\

Email: si_struggle@hotmail.com