Red Rivers
i look down
shards of glass tiny icicles
etching tiny red rivers thru the landscape of my skin
painless spidery rivers keep trickling
flowing to an unseen basin a cleansing shower of blood
crimson black deep bright red river no life exists
this red river is the only that ever stays warm
thick red river i visit you you are my own my savior
red river life giver my friend
my friend my curse my voluntary pain my therapy
my self-injury my repetitive self-injury
repetitive red rivers running courses carefully carved
thru pale soft white flesh without thinking or feeling
dams block you in the form of scars damn scars red river
with your broken throbbing banks and your crooked paths
i am now drowning in this river becoming absorbed
into it's murky fire-colored depths but still i continue
hidden little red river my obsession
if only they travelled down your waters they would understand
Riggy
What I Am
I'm so sorry
I'm so stupid
I'm such a brutal disappointment
I'm so god-damn fucked
I'm so irritating
I'm such a whiner
I'm useless
I'm a complete failure
I'm inconsiderate
I'm hopeless
I'm lost
I'm disrespectful
I'm a miserable waste
I'm a let-down
I'm... a creep
I'm... a loser
I'm... sorry
I am
Riggy
Stone Warrior
Here I am
The strongest weakling ever to walk the earth
A stone warrior
With a soft creamy center
A mock hero
Lying to myself again
Pretending things don't hurt me
But your words do hurt me
They hurt me more than pain ever will
They hurt me more than glass
But I'm not going to cry
I'm a warrior
A coyote
My fur is mangled and maggots crawl through it and i'm cold but i'm a coyote
No rabbit, no machine ever made the coyote change
his call
My body is my wall and I'm impenetrable
Except for that corner
Where things slip in
Tiger surrounding and weasel within I trick myself
again and again and i'm lyin and lyin and
lyin to myself
Everything beneath me goes above me and I'm tipped
but i do not fall
Warriors don't fall
Stone warriors do not cry
So here I stand before you
The shortest tower ever to have it's turrets in the
clouds
~Riggy
my crimson tears fall
trickle down my bruised and battered arms
i thought he loved me i thought he cared
but how can you care with such hate in your eyes
i know who loves me
i kno who cares
my blade at my bed side will tell me a bed time story
drops of blood, my tears if you will
surround me with serrenity
i can have this any time i want
like a wonderfull fairy tale
love at first cut
with-out pain
i can be
it has to be done so
i dont look sad
i look pretty popular
perfect
you loved me you wanted me you took me
away from my self
never the same again
i dont understand how you could do this to me
its fucked up
i dont want this life any more
i want to set my self free
my crimson tears trickle down my arms
you call me sick you say you dont understand how i could do it
but its you i can never say
the things you do to me
my bed times stories
told by my blade at my bed side
Everyday i wake up hoping to die,
but truely all I can really do is cry.
The little voice insides says "grab the knife and do it,"
but my friends would never let me go through with it.
You can't hold the feeling inside any longer,
you grab the knife and start to ponder.
As you sit there on the bathroom floor,
you wait and wait and wait somemore.
Finally, you put the knife to your wrist,
as you clench your memories in your fist.
"Do it! Do it!" Is all you hear,
you fell a little pinch of fear.
You slide the knife across your wrist,
little by little the memories now leave from ur fist.
Your almost done,
you'll end being no one.
There you've done it,
you faught that battle of fear and won it!
It's over now there is no more,
as you lie there on the blood covered floor.
~sara~
I hold this powerful tool in my hand,
the shine from the blade catches my eye.
I have the power to end it all, rite here, rite now,
but there's no use, Im already dead.
The pain killed me,
the tears drowned me
and my heart bleed to death, from life,
the thing i never asked for.
When I was young I never knew,
the pain other could give you.
I never knew I would cry over a guy or wanting to die.
I never knew my friends would betray me and just leave me to lay there...alone.
I never knew my parents would be the ones who make me bleed, cuz there used to be there when i was in need.
Im running out of hope,
there's nothing left to live for.
Im alive on the outside and yet everything is dead inside.
~sara~
Desperation
The one big secret of my soul
Is one that I have never told
Though you can see it plain as day
They always look the other way
For my body is my paper
On it which I write
They say I'm wrong and crazy
They say I look a sight
Supposedly I control it
Attention I do seek
For they know all the answers
To stop the blood I bleed
I'm pretty on the outside
And happy as can be
But its crowded on the inside
With words I cannot speak
They say the reason that I do it
Is because I was abused
But when they say these very words
Why do they look amused?
I have my scars like you do
But mine are in plain sight
How long can I continue
To look like such a fright?
*"They" referring to doctors and reporters*
BeeJay
Never the Pain
Alone in the wood
With nothing but tears
So many noises
They bring out my fears
The happy mask is gone
Now I can be sad
No one can see me
Because that is bad
My wrist is bleeding
Or it was any way
For what I do
There is a price to pay
I am hurting myself
Not a form of art
For every cut that bleeds
It strains my heart
All my friends are gone
So far, far away
I've made my bed
And they left me to lay
The cuts hurt
And it begins to rain
It may wash away the blood
But never the pain
Ruth
I lie awake now every night,
I take the glass and hold it tight,
In my hand it twists and turns,
While hate inside me slowly burns.
I twist it round and i just stare,
Cos now i can't be fucked to care,
I want to cause myself the pain,
That inside's driving me insane.
I want to cut into my skin,
And release all the pain within,
I want to see my blood flow red,
And lose this hurt inside my head.
But i know it does no good,
And i'll never be understood,
It gives me such relief at first,
But the next guilt trip is the worst.
I fight the need to cut my arms,
Cos it's not just me that it harms,
The only thing that gets me through,
Is the fear of hurting you.
Jen
you ask me what is wrong
i say "nothing"
you ask me whats wrong
i should have been an emotional masochist
but im not
i should have been a leper
but im not
you ask me what is wrong
i say "nothing"
you ask me whats wrong
eventually i say noting
The Passion For Pain:
How can I explain to you how badly I hurt. Mom says "Your just like your dad", while your little brother screams " I hate you". do they honestly think that their words mean nothing to you? If so then they're extremely blind and ignorent. It's a shame that they don't realize that they are one of the main reasons as to why you cut. They say they understand why you feel this way. But they don't and never will. they'll never understand the pure bliss of watching blood trickle out of a wound which you yourself created. They don't understand that whenever you cut, your only trying to cut out whatever it is that makes your brother hate you or what makes you like the father of yours whom you hate. They'll never understand the release of your "Imperfections" through a couple of slits on your forearm caused by a tiny piece of metal so sharp to make you bleed. They'll never understand the need for the feeling of a razor slicing through your smooth, delicate skin. And most of all they'll never understand the pure passion for pain.
Ashley, gemini_beau@yahoo.com
Silent Screams:
No one can hear your screams
They can't see the pain that's written all over your face
Or the tears that are streaming down your cheeks
Then you start to wonder if your just invisible.
They'll never understand why you push them away
You're only to afraid of hurting them or making them feel your pain.
You shouldn't be alive
So why are you?
You should be in hell being punished
Should you just end your life and spare others the pain and confusion?
Maybe later, but for now I'll just cut and drowned in my own tears and silent screams.
Ashley, bleeding_moon@yahoo.com
ur nightly ritual
go to ur room
lock the door
find the blade
cut it deep
slice after slice
u go numb
clean the blood
wipe away the memories of torment
the rape
the drugs
the beatings
put the blade down now
try and get a good nights sleep...
calm yourself ur in ur room
theres nothing to fear
he is a million miles away
but he seems,
so much closer
u can still hear him screaming,
u can still feeling beating u,
u still feel him inside u
forcing u
hurting u
scaring ur emotions
u cant deal
u need some closure
so u open urself up
start it over now it will be okay
he will go away
u need some help
ur killing ur self slowly,
but surely
MY SHOUT
Here I am, I am here alone
No-one cares I cant go home
I have so much inner pain
I want to sleep and never wake again
I selfharm for all to see
Hoping someone will rescue me
I lay and dose but do not sleep
My pain inside just makes me weep
I hurt so much I am in so much fear
I want to die but I should be here
I keep my secrets close to my heart
Now its time the two must part
If I dont say what I need to say
The inner pain will kill me one day
I need to get this out of me
Just to set my heart and soul free
I am not bothered if I should die
No-one will care no-one will cry
I am better out of sight and mind
My heart and soul they will not find
There must be people I have annoyed
But my soul and life they have destroyed
I dont know what I've to do
I leave my fate all up to YOU.
Laura..
Disposable
My arm was so pale it was so white
And I looked at it and it was so white and pale
Disposable, the razor caught the light
Through my bedroom window blew a purple gale
The light, disposable, caught the razor
The hurricane outside died down
I was a teenager having a phase, or
My bad hair day made me break down.
A disposable teenager, I felt fucked up
My hair a mess, my face ugly as sin
Amazed, I held the razor up
And chucked my personality in the bin.
Amazing, the razor glided round the room
Disposable, my inner life grimaced
Moist, under the sky I saw the moon
With a grin upon her face.
The moon, wrapped in the sky dripped with sweat
Smiling at the levitating blade
And the ditzy little stars made bets
On whether or not I felt afraid.
I don’t pretend to understand
But I do pretend to know your there
See my face, tell me you don’t care
You say you can’t stop
Well maybe try and feel like a dare
Knowing your hurting
Knowing I can’t help
Knowings the worst
Knowing your fear
I don’t pretend to understand
And I try not to stop and stare
But every single time you hurt
I feel like choking, not wanting to be there
You’re one of my best friends
And I wish I could hide
But I know its there
And it’s hurting inside
-Lisa in dedication of a friend
PURITY
Emotions have disappeared
Something you have always feared
Mesmorised by the gaping hole
Not afraid to enrole
Body controller not listening
Nuts and bolts no longer glistening
Clinical domination in your mind
An area bad cannot find
System fails exagerated style
Need to find the missing file
Dreaming of crying tears of purity
You know your tears arent pretty
You cry raging red
Blood stained tears everlasting on your bed
Match box mind
Your heart blind
Key has been thrown away
Dominated fuse must obey
Pull the plug out from the mains
No time for this mechanical brain
No-one wants to find the key
This must be destiny.
-Sarah
FORCE
Theres a deep dark force
One that you cant devorce
That is ready to tear you when you are low
It doesnt care how it will flow
Just as long as it makes sure you arent right
When you are way too weak to fight
As long as you bleed red tears down your cheek
Its content when you are perceived as a freak
All it needs is a little bit of pain
This is how it plays its game
With your mind and emotions
Showering you with devotion
As it is always there ready and waiting
Anticipating
Waiting for you to feel a little lost
Hand placed on the cross
Scratching its nails through your heart
Isnt its manipulation smart???
Leaving blackened cart trails through your mind
What deepened shamed will it find
Emotions that are electrical
Scares that are symetrical
It takes all your energy and self esteem
No one can hear your shameful scream.
-Sarah
you said i could trust you
and i beleived
you said you would help
and through that i should have seen
that no one but me is in control
you can not help me
your trying gets old
and then when i think that im in the clear
you go and tell on me
making me way off here
and i find myself with the razor to my leg
but i will not tell
no matter how much you beg
because i know that trusting makes things worse
i cant get rid of my addiction
its my own curse
that i can not share with anyone else
but my broken heart
and my lonesome self
-Ally
I stroke my arm in the dark.
It is smooth.
No lumps, or bumps.
A dark shadow cast against the ceiling.
Beautiful,
Mysterious,
Secret.
But in the light it is different.
It tells of pain i cant express.
Every white stroke of the silver blade.
Every gleaming scar across my pale flesh.
Every dryed bead of blood on my skin.
I do not need to tell you how i feel.
I never needed to say what happened.
My hours of pain
Spent alone
Are recorded across my wrists.
You need not ask me
And my mouth need not open.
The guarded stare in my glassy eyes.,
The heavy chains round my lonely heart,
The snaking strokes across my arms...
These tell my secrets.
-Charlotte
I was strong
But now I'm weak
I once strode
But now I creep
The outside a face
That smiles and laughs
But that is a lie
On the inside I'm glass
I was once the best
A bird that could sing
Now I long for eternal rest
And the peace that it brings.
By Heather
Pain...
so lonely,lost and helpless
dont know why you would careless
this pain is so strong
how am I to carry on?
I need the pain it makes me feel
to take this blade and watch me bleed,
its exactly what I need.
Punishment.
So ashamed of what I do,ill always be nothing compared to you.
with my eyes filled with fear,you continued untill they filled with tears.
Who are you to make me feel this way?
crimson lies and forgoton promises
whose lies?...your lies,my lies,their lies
all part of me untill I die.
you make me weep you make me cry
sometimes I wish I could die
my resources are running out
I cant escape the pain,so I cut it out.
Little crimson rivers,trickiling slowly down my arm
so many reason for me to self harm.
Sometimes I cut to cut,
cut to feel,
cut to be real,
or just to escape this pain that I feel.
Please tell me why?
Why do i cry?
......*sigh*
-Kim
Suffocated
All the pains in life leave me no choice.
My choice is cutting.
My outlet.
My savior.
No one undestands
no one cares
my arms are scarred
] along with my soul
I feel suffocated
I can't breathe
The mental thoughts cloud my mind
Death is so sudden yet to me scary and I still want it.
It's the only way to get out.
Drag the blade a little deeper along my wrist
I think "I am finally leaving this terrible world!"
The I wake up it's only a dream.
I am alive with no one to care.
Unsure of myself
Wondering what I will do next.
My wounds are healing but my scars will always remain
-Kellianne
Jagged edge
Slowly with precaution
Iron steel pressed against foreign flesh.
Little by little it breaks the skin.
The knifes blade not leaving till
Signs of blood appear.
A rough cut exists.
Iron steel against warm foreign flesh again
This time a little clearer,
A little redder, a little deeper.
Back and forth and again
Over and over
The blade pressed down
Its jagged edge
Puncturing my skin a little more
My wrists stinging
My mind wandering
The blade and my skin meet again
Deeper, clearer, redder, sharper
My wrists have become numb,
Soaked in my own blood,
My own pain,
My own fears.
The jagged edge of the blade chose its new victim
The evidence:
Thirteen lines across my wrist
Each day I dare to venture further, deeper,
Till I feel the burning,
Cause then
Even if just for a split second
At least I know I’m alive.
-Pearlland
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