August

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America—it's where I live (I think)
The Faux Epic Geography of all 22 United States

Introduction
Welcome to Volume 2 of Learning is Fun at 42

With all of the racial, economic and other less-than pleasant psycho-social factors separating humanity at the end of the 20th century, we at the Big Dead Animal Furnace are happy to be allowed the chance (by newly repealed obscenity laws) to present this expose of 1998 Americana as seen first hand from the Greyhound bus terminals of this great land. More than eight months, 10,000 uncomfortable miles and $38 of food money have gone into the writing, design and construction of this book.

Donations are appreciated.

For most of Latter-Day-Americans, geography class was always right before lunch. Needless to say, a unifying feature of our culture has become that our lunch hours all ran for an hour and half and 50% of us can locate the American peninsula on a map of Northern Europe. We at the Furnace see this as a travesty. (Actually, we think it's a Trapistry, but outwardly defying the global plans of the Cistercian order of the Roman Catholic church winds up getting minor authors killed and small publishing houses blown apart.) Anyway, we feel a semi-working knowledge of geography will be essential in locating restrooms and electronic mailboxes in the coming Global Village of the 21st century. (Not to be confused with the Gobel Village in Orlando, FL named after the dead comedian George Gobel.)

Once again, I must lay my pencil neck on the chopping block of censors and 'educated' smart people, who think that they know more than I because they're smarter than me, to explain to the average person what we should have all learned when we were nine and still had some semblance of long-term memory. This has become my lot in life and I lovingly accept the challenge because people ask me all the time, "polycarp, how is it that you're so smart...and handsome... and sexually attractive to women who have been drinking...and so good with pets?" These conversations always seem to end with "Would you like to stay the night?" and then only hours later "Did you put this cigarette burn in my bed?" or "If you had smaller breasts and didn't stink of beer, I'd think I was sitting next to Martha Stewart." These exchanges lead me to believe that Americans are more stupid than ever. This is one of the many reasons I cry myself to sleep each night and wake up screaming in a cold sweat and a puddle of potential children.

Americans should be proud of the physical layout of their country, but 9 out of 10 of us are forced to learn our geography on the street, which is sadly enough the same place we're forced to buy our drugs. If any of you have tried to buy cocaine recently, you'll know the frightening ramifications that the words 'bad quality control' hold for future U.S. geographers. Sniffing photographer's flash powder and being told that poorly drawn magic-marker sketches of Japan are actually maps of the Florida Everglades now account for over one-third of U.S. traffic fatalities and the lowest U.S. SAT scores in over 400 years.

American geography is simple when presented our way. We help guide the learner along with completely unrelated pictures of celebrities and cute furry animals, which we hope will help maintain learner interest throughout the lessons. Also, JPEG downloads of amateur naked housewives will be sprinkled in along with several untimed explosions just to make sure you're still awake and learning.

There are no tests in this book because we believe that tests lead to stress, and we know statistically that stress is the number one killer of Americans after heart disease, car wrecks and colon related disorders which are far too graphic to present in this book. We firmly believe that your ultimate test will be survival in the technologically real-smart world of tomorrow which, by the way, started about ten years ago.

Here's a short Zen koan to help get you started: If mustard is a condiment, is ketchup what you need to do if you don't want to be washing dishes for the rest of your life?

Jeez, am I getting conceited, or is it just me?

Your Little Plastic Dashboard Friend, polycarp kusch

West Virginia

"The Loretta Lynn State"

This is West Virginia. (Pronounced: Huh?) It doesn’t have a capitol because West Virginians are 8-foot tall hairless albino animals who live in mud huts and eat coal. The unit of currency is the stupid look. W. Virginia’s major export is finger sized electrical outlets. One guy in the state owns a car and he calls himself ‘The Mayor of West Virginia'. He lives in a rest home made of mud and eats coal that’s been mashed up because he doesn’t have teeth. In West Virginia it’s illegal for anyone over the age of fourteen to possess more than four working teeth. All the people worship country singers and carve giant straw mannequins out of coal which they later eat in a depraved festival called 'Presidents Day', kind of like Catholics eat those little Jesus crackers in Communion. The State Motto is — ‘I was Born a Coal eaters Daughter.’

New Jersey

"The What’s that Smell? State"

This New Jersey. Our only hope is that the old one was better. It’s capitol is a malfunctioning waste treatment plant. New Jersey's major industry is rape. Travel brochures around the world laud the fact that ‘If you want to get raped, vacation in Jersey!' Its major export is the rifling marks on bullets used in commercial homicide. The State Flower is the anal polyp which grows wild and free in the cancer clusters of the south. The unit of currency is severed human ears. For two good ears, you can get raped in an existing orifice. Failure to have exact change can result in swoop-by shockings because people in New Jersey can fly and generate stunning electrical fields like South American Tree eels.

South Dakota

"The Cornhole State"

This is S. Dakota. Its capitol doesn’t have a name anymore because it’s buried under all the corn they grow there. The people of S. Dakota live on a strict corn only diet. They dress in festive native costumes made of corn and corn husks. Christmas in S. Dakota consists of neighbors giving each other surplus corn and freely molesting each other’s children. Everyone in S. Dakota is a pedophile. They use corn in their Satanic sex rites and most S. Dakotan’s butts hurt until they’re at least 50. The unit of currency is…I’m not even gonna say it.

Wyoming

"The Not Important Enough to get a Nickname State"

This is Wyoming. Its capitol is Charlottesville, North Carolina. It’s the 16^th State, if you start counting at five. Seven people live in Wyoming. They are all cannibals who navigate the vast intrastate waterways on strange crafts referred to in the local tongue as ‘Bass Boats’. They charge a lot for gas and small bags of extremely old snack foods. The unit of currency is homemade plastic bag Halloween masks. People in Wyoming don’t believe in God. They’re all going to hell.

Rhode Island

"The Plague State"

This is Rhode Island. Its capitol is the headquarters of Ginsu International located 250 miles offshore and a mile and a half down under the beautiful brown Mississippi River. Rhode Island is not really an island at all. In fact, Rhode Island isn’t even a U.S. State anymore. We lost it to Spain during the great battle of Cow Walk in the Korean Police Action. Two hours later Spain sold it to Germany for 1200 monkeys. (See - Our Wars with Foreigners - in The Faux Expanded History of America) As per pending agreements with Germany, the unit of currency is the monkey. 17 Monkeys will get you a nice hotel and a haircut in Rhode Island. Rhode Island’s major export is German and Spanish speaking rats, which crawl onto ships that dock there and infect the sailors with rubella.

Arkansas

"The Travis Bickle State"

This is Arkansas. Its capitol is the Lemon Grove apartment complex. It was the 57^th state admitted to the Union (Teamsters Local 457). Arkansas was originally part of Kansas, but due to continental drift and extremely bad grammar ‘Our Kansas’ became Arkansas and now resets firmly in the beautiful American Northwest Territory of Quebec. Arkansas has a population of 147 million. Most of the people are two-dimensional and travel freely through both time and space. The unit of currency is the phrase — "Are you talking to me?" Its major exports are French gerbils and disposable solar flashlights.

Iowa

"The Ex-Lynching State"

This is Iowa. Its capitol is Des Moines (pronounced: D’moyn). If you pronounce it DES MOY-NESS the natives will feed you to their hogs. Iowa has a population around 7000, 4000 of those being registered voting hogs (See Hog Persecution in History). The people all worship a big wooden plank painted green and named Henry and believe that when they die, Henry spanks them into the promised land (See 'Plank & Wood Worship' in - Faux Religions of the World Vol. 1 - The Civilized World). The last recorded lynching of a black person occurred in Iowa in 1996. Black people still live in Iowa though because the government made everyone stop lynching them so long ago. Everyone in Iowa is over 65 years old and has gills and can breath water. There isn’t much water in Iowa, so gills are fairly useless there (See - Fallacies of Evolution — History). The unit of currency is car rust. Iowa’s major export used to be dead black people, now it’s faulty nuclear bomb triggers. The State Motto is: ‘Will you spray me with the hose?’

Tennessee

"The NASA Training State"

This is Tennessee. Its capitol is a Mobile station on Interstate 10. It’s the 1^st State in the Union to lose all of its gravity privileges. The population of Tennessee only weigh half as much as people in other states, but they have roughly the same mass. The unit of currency is ballast, the same as it is in New Foundland except ballast goes a lot further in New Foundland because New Foundland has gravity. The major import is pickled pig’s feet and no one is sure why. Everyone in Tennessee walks on their hands to grip the sidewalk rails holding them to the Earth and suffers from severe calcium depletion. The State Motto is: Don’t let go of the rails!

Manhattan

"The Fuck You For Not Having Any Money State"

This is the state of Manhattan. Mankind’s greatest achievement. The center of world culture and the very first State (after Puerto Rico) admitted to the United States of America. The entire population of Manhattan is homeless and live over subway grates. The giant buildings are just there to provide backdrops for exciting ABC movies of the week and Sylvester Stallone action features. Anyone caught entering a building or store without a blue celebrity/movie star pass is immediately set on fire with flame throwers by the NYC mounted police (who all ride Irish wolfhounds). Poverty is a felony, which is punishable by death from swift and callous indifference.

Manhattan is suffering from a major head deficit. There are 8 million people and only 6 million heads. This causes a great deal of hat loss, so the streets of Manhattan are always clogged with Gucci scarves and other designer head wear, which most average people use as toilet paper. Its major export is raw sewage and union boss bodies. The State Motto is: That guy was dead when I got here. The State Flower is the mushroom cloud.

Florida

"The It Hurts When I Pee State"

This is Florida. Its capitol sank into a swamp in 1933 and has since been renamed Capitol Sinky Swamp. Florideelings hate people from Germany and have a tendency to take their money and kill them when they visit. Everyone in Florida speaks Egyptian and its illegal to wash your hands here. The major export is dead Germans wearing mouse ears. The unit of currency is herpes which is given out freely at the border when they stamp your entrance visa, so everyone in Florida is rich beyond their wildest dreams. Cars are also illegal unless you push them. State motto: We Got Car Insurance for $49.00 a month or less! The State flower is bread mold.

Texas

"The Bomb Crater State"

This is Texas. It’s the largest U.S. State bordering the Indian Ocean. Its capitol is a bomb crater. Its major industry is digging up the whole state to make it look like a bomb went off and left a crater. The indigenous population (commonly referred to as ‘Oil Men’) worship large strips of barren dirt that remarkably resemble the craters seen when bombs go off. Large herds of flightless man-eating birds roam the bomby landscape and devour entire tour buses in one gulp of their mighty ceramic beaks. The State Motto is: ‘Did you touch my hat? You did, didn’t you?’ The State Flower was sadly lost in what most people would refer to as a bomb blast, which left an unusually large hole behind. The unit of currency is paperclips bent to resemble Lyndon Johnson's genitals.

Oregon

"The Hold Your Breath or Die State"

This is Oregon. This entire State is run by badly drawn caricatures of ethnic minorities. No actual human beings can live in Oregon because the atmosphere is made up of cyanide and finely crushed rubber eraser leftovers. Only pencil drawings and stars of Disney Claymation films can survive in this hostile environment. The unit of currency is bootleg sketches of Jessica Rabbit and any other form of two dimensional pornography. A medical book drawing of a vulva will pay for three nights in Oregon’s finest five-star hotel, but you’d be dead after about 38 seconds from the poison air. The State motto is too long to read without suffering irreversible brain damage.

West Dakota

"The Head Lice State"

This is West Dakota. Its capital is the cloud city of Prosthesis. Prosthesis is located 350 miles straight up in the air over central West Dakota where its inhabitants are safe from the sulfur emissions that the general slave population is forced to breathe. Sulfur causes your arms and legs to drop off, so everyone in West Dakota has an artificial something. The unit of currency is 80% use of your right hand. The next denomination down is a working big toe. West Dakota’s number one export is brimstone. They sell over 140 million tons of sulfur a year to Satan and his rebellious angels to keep the fires of hell burning bright and strong. One out of every two people in West Dakota is a slave in the sulfur mines and is missing at least three limbs. The State Motto is ‘The worst part about losing both arms is that it’s hard to scratch away all the lice eating your head.’

Nevada

"The Would You Come Here If Prostitution and Gambling Weren’t Legal State"

This is Nevada. Its capitol is the Mirage Hotel and Casino. Its major export is extraneous high-level background radiation. If you die without proper ID in Nevada, aliens can legally use your body for food. Nevada has two fundamental religious sects: Satanists and people who hide from Satanists. Its major industry is developing mind control weapons to use against other U.S. citizens.

Pointy-headed giants live in the desert between Las Vegas and Reno, but most people don’t ever see them because they’re really good at ducking down and hiding behind the mountains.

Nevada’s early settlers were famous for eating one another. State Motto: Don’t be silly. That’s not a crashed spaceship, it’s obviously a mutilated whale that was teleported here by…Oops! We’re gonna have to kill you now.

Colorado

"The Strange Fruit State"

This is Colorado. Billie Holiday is the president of Colorado and she lives in the palace of semi-soft cheeses on mount Olympus in the southeastern corner of state where she throws fire balls and burning cheese logs down on the mortals below who make pimentoeless olive wine and worship her sequined evening wear. The biggest holiday in Colorado (besides Billie) is called ‘Black Tuesday’, which falls on the first Tuesday of each week. Black Tuesday is celebrated by hanging black people from Cyprus trees and beating their near dead bodies like pinadas until the screaming mob of drunken state senators get tired and bored and go back to shooting themselves through the feet with high powered hunting rifles sold for personal protection in convenience stores. Black people are grown in greenhouses and sold at extremely low prices around holiday time. The unit of currency is the hunting accident. The State Motto is ‘We hate Arizona.’

Pennsylvania

"The For Our Own Amusement Park State"

This is Pennsylvania. 131,000 undead souls wander its Eastern European looking streets praying to homemade aluminum foil effigies of Bela Lugosi to be ritually murdered and sent to the eternal chemical fires of New Jersey. The amusement parks of Pennsylvania run red with the blood of unsuspecting tourists, even though the vacation commercials show a big happy rat riding the Tilt-A-Whirl and not ripping apart or eating anyone at all.

Everyone in Pennsylvania works in a 14^th century shoe factory sewing Halloween costumes that catch fire if they come within seven feet of a 20-watt light bulb. The unit of currency is the Ball Park frank which, if you’re ever in Pennsylvania and are approached by the locals, you should throw as far as possible in one direction while you run like hell in the other. The State Motto is ‘I’m Murry, the big happy rat. I’m not going to kill and eat you.’

Hawaii

"The Just Waiting to Sink State"

This is Hawaii. Hawaii is an island state supported by pontoons the government had left over after World War I. It’s full of dangerous rich middle-aged software pirates. Hawaii started World War II in August of 1343 (see 'Why the World Wars are Out of Order' in History) by exploding for no good reason and then getting all mad about it. In 1984, four of the major support pontoons popped and 12 of the original 19 islands sunk into the Atlantic ocean including Atlantis and Red Skeltonville, which was named after the first Hispanic king of Hawaii to introduce the concept of petroleum based under-arm hygiene to the native dime farmers. All the other pontoons are leaking and eventually all nine people who live in Hawaii will be completely under water. Hawaii has no state motto because everyone there is married to each other and can’t even agree if make-up should be legal.

Michigan

"The Let’s Kill Sick People State"

This is Michigan. Its capital is the main power breaker at the Ann Arbor memorial ICU. If you get sick in Michigan, your family can kill you and use your body for heating fuel for the perpetual ice age that exists here. People in Michigan are too cold to have or care about money. The 27,000 people living in Michigan all sleep in one bed because it’s warmer that way. A dead body is called a stick in the native language. A family of four is a fagot (a family of eight are called Catholics and a family of twelve are called Mormons just like they are everywhere else.) The State Motto is ‘Stop pulling the covers off me you son of a bitch!’ Being over 26 is illegal in Michigan and is punishable by adoption.

Minnesota

"The Hepatitis State"

This is Minnesota. The capital is a bell shaped time capsule filled with Elvis records and meso-american Bible cartoons that’s buried under 1500 feet of volcanic ash in the parking lot of a Wal-mart. Everyone’s born with sharp metal blades on their feet, so the whole State is covered in blood and no one ever washes their hands. Everybody between the ages of birth and death is infected with Hepatitis B. Minnesotites make grunting noises they say mean something and dig in the dirt all day while they’re waiting for their head wounds to clot. The unit of currency is getting kicked in the gonads and then laughing. It’s the very first two-step monetary process in existence. If you don’t laugh, the gonad kicking is worthless. People in Minnesota think that they’re smart, but that’s just what they think. No one ever visits this State because they don’t want their hearts cut out and offered as a sacrifice to the local Aztec gods whose temples strongly resemble drive-thru liquor stores.

Georgia

"The Work Farm State"

This is Georgia. All 240 million people who live here believe that work is grown on farms. Most Georgians are farmers because all it takes to own a farm here is a three foot square closet into which you can lock traffic offenders and rapists and murders. The State now provides all farmers with a standard issue dead bolt lock. This great social achievement stems from the incredible 1938 statewide prison escape wherein the entire 238 million person prison population used paperclips and rolled-up newspapers to leave their closets and run rampant in the streets where they formed lucrative businesses and invested heavily in venture capital schemes that were in no way involved with the farming of work. Really smart dogs set off nuclear depth charges that drove the prisoners back into their closets while a group of Oxford educated hamsters who had developed a working model of the wedge used it to stick under the doors until paratroopers from the Kwik-set corporation landed and installed working knobs. The eight people who are not in jail in Georgia now sleep safely knowing that all important decisions in the state are made by farm animals. The State Motto is ‘I don’t know. What do you think Mister Pouches?"

Wisconsin

"The Aerosol Cheese State"

This is Wisconsin. Its capital is the couch fort city of Velveeta. The Czar and Czarina of Milwaukee own Velveeta outright and lease out chunks of it in six month standard rental agreements that do not include utilities. The entire population of Wisconsin is made up of Swiss Nazis who came to America to escape war crime prosecutions. People from Switzerland don’t need to carry passports because they’re all full of holes and it’s really easy to tell them apart from people from Colbyslovakia or Cheddarvania. While these two dead civilizations were chased out of Wisconsin in the early 7^th century BCE by Napoleon’s Canadian steam powered robot cavalry, they did leave an impressive array of hieroglyphic writing which is stored in the meat packing freezer of the local gold tooth smelting shop. Most of the Christian Bible comes from these writings. The unit of currency is S & M pictures of animals covered in cheese. The State Motto is: 'It's not the heat, it's the Jews!'

Idaho

"The Water-based Lubricant State"

This is Idaho. It’s the only U.S. state with an all lesbian monarchist government. It’s populated with 450,000 hunchback gay rights activists. Its capital is the Pink Sphincter Inn on route 135. Its State Flower is pretty. If it wasn’t, all the hunchbacks would cry and go on murdering homosexual rape sprees like they did in 1952 when F.D.R. was elected Pope and outlawed the entire color group of pastels. The unit of currency is the hand job. The value of this can be instantly doubled by licking your fingers after the transaction. (This is not, as many would believe, a ‘Two Step’ monetary process. See — Why some people don't count. - In History). Idaho’s major export is prayers for AIDS cures. Idahovites try to sell these prayers to a Semitic goat herding war god who hates sodomites and this is why Idaho is in such a state of economic and moral collapse. The State Motto is: 'Can I buy you a Drink Sailor?'

Indiana

"The Gary State"

This is Indiana. Its capital is Gary’s tool shed. The whole state used to be owned by the Cleveland Indians, but Gary set off one of his crude bison bladder and fishing twine fuel-air bombs killing all the Indians during the 1970’s Scottish oil embargo. Everyone in Indiana looks like a platypus in that they’re covered with fur, have bills like a duck and carry drivers licenses written in crayon on the backs of grocery store check-out slips. Indianalings lay eggs instead of giving live birth and are therefore not allowed to vote in the presidential primaries. They’re all asexual invertebrates who absorb nutrients through their skin. The whole state is a mercury smelting plant. All the people from Indiana eat their own feces while wallowing in giant smoking purple-gray slime pits they call cities. The major religion is evolution. (See —‘ Why most people shouldn’t think their future is going to be any better than their past’ — in History). The State Flower is the first twelve chapters of Mitchner’s ‘Hawaii’ which grow uncontrollably by their effluent outlet pipes and which is killing the only existing species of wildlife that hasn’t left the state by train. It’s kind of a giant cockroach, but its four hundred eyes are in its butt and it has a naturally occurring toupee. The State Motto is: ‘Gary Yeah!’

Kentucky

"The Cousin State."

This is Kentucky. Its capitol, Hyannis Port, is famous for being the only State capitol to be invaded by the Visogoths. It was sacked and burned and there’s a Circle K where it used to be. Kentucky is populated by 750,000 mulatto diesel mechanics who all have the same last name. The unit of currency is your sister, which can be traded in the open air Islamic street Bizarres of Nashville for exotic Washingtonian rubbing oils and ammonium nitrate based fertilizers from the depths of darkest Arizona.

It’s not uncommon for Kentuckites to spontaneously combust. This is why most family heirlooms are burned bark-o-lounger recliners and half-melted TV remote controls. The major export is DNA for identical twin research studies. The State flower was deflowered by its brother. Landmarks include: the Museum of Incredible Dull medical waste, Mimi Van Dorn’s bra, which is nailed to the court house door (See — The Roots of Protestantism — in History) and the vault where the federal government stores all collected scraps of O.J. Simpson evidence and memorabilia. The major religion is incest.

Maine

"The CIA wants us taken off the map State"

Space creatures invaded the peninsula of Maine in the late 1960’s and have been running the state ever since. The capitol is on a distant planet in the Andromeda galaxy and humans can’t even pronounce its name because of the way our mouths and heads are shaped. The currency is robotic limbs because the creatures of Maine are shaped more like giant ten eyed worms than regular human people. An artificial knee or a nice pair of argyle stump socks can buy you a good stiff shot of anesthetic before the residents mutilate you and leave your carcass in a crop circle. The State Flower is also unpronounceable, but it kind of smells like lilacs and lives solely on human reproductive organs. It’s an imported plant. (See - Why you can’t get into California with a poinsettia — History) It’s major export is all of Earth’s natural resources. These are piped to the far off world through the federal teleportation beam project which provided twelves of hundreds of jobs to the local human slave population. Popular foods are the local human slave population.

Massachusetts

"The Dead President State"

This is Massachusetts. Its population of 450 million is divided 70/30 between members of the Kennedy family and the local creatures made entirely of Elk hides stretched over cartilage frames that run on wind-up kitchen timers which the Kennedy family has either killed or raped in drunken fits of power-mad wealth. Its major exports are dead Kennedys and rape acquittals. The major import is frightened half-naked fourteen-year-old Connecticut girls whose parents leave them at the border with pin damaged condoms hoping to get rich on paternity suits. The unit of currency is the assassination proof hat which was introduced in late December of 1963. (See — ‘Why Free Masons aren’t allowed to play in the NFL’ — in History) The State Motto is: ‘How could I know she was thirteen your honor, I was drunk.’

Ohio

"The Who’s There? What Do You Want? State"

This is Ohio. Its capitol is an RV that circles the State to avoid biological and chemical attacks. If we told you the governor’s name, the Ohio secret police would murder us and our families in our sleep. The currency is rampant paranoia and change can be made with brief panic attacks or uncontrollable fits of screaming for no particular reason. Ohio’s major import is coping skills. Its major export is cereal fillers for Vienna beef hot dogs. The trade deficits of the late 80’s left Ohio sitting on a mountain of Styrofoam peanuts yelling ‘You did so touch me! Stop touching me!’ This is now the State Motto. Revealing the State Flower is a treasonable offense. There’s a van with Ohio plates in my drive way right now, so I’m going to move along.

California

"The Crushed Under Tons of Rubble State"

This is California. Its capitol is El Cajon (pronounced L Ca-John). California is longer than it is wide, so the inhabitants spend billions of Chinese Pesos each day making action movies filled with sex. Millions of people live here in spite of the fact that once or twice a century all the buildings fall down and crush everyone alive. The entire population is made up of Ex-baseball players who eat pork rinds. It’s expensive to live in California. The unit of currency is the divorce. You can buy a nice 27-bedroom mansion in El Cajon for two divorces if you’re a baseball player's wife. The State Motto is: Eat more pork rinds! California is the number one importer of pork rinds and other aerated snack foods in the world.

Arizona

"The Skin Cancer State"

This is Arizona. Its capital is Yuma wherein I reign as the Supreme Being. The people of Arizona elected me God in a dream I had in 1980. No one’s told me different since, so I continue to believe that I am divine. Although in 1987, the U.S. congress outlawed rule by alcoholic assumption. (See — ‘The Assumption of St. polycarp the Supine’ — in History) Two days later, my armies of migrant citrus pickers and I declared war on the rest of the world and won in a best two out of three Yatzhee tournament held in Las Vegas in June of ’88. (See — ‘How Don King made me Emperor of the Solar system’ - in History) This is how I gained absolute power over the entire universe, all its occupants and their spare change. The unit of currency in Arizona is the twelve-pack. I make everyone here work as slaves for me and let me live on their couches. This is a great honor for them and some people even let me stay twice. The major export is homemade educational reform pamphlets for the stupid, which, by the way, are extremely reasonably priced.