Dear Editor: I found this in Paolo's papers and thought it might be good for his next journal submission. Let me know what you think. cheers, scott

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To: All English language newspapers and journals of the world!

From: Paolo Honorificas, most recently known as Mss Janet Puss Wuss

Subject: I want to get rich quick or How to make your employees work for next to nothing!

Dear Editor:

Please forgive this form letter. There are so many of you and just one of me. I’m a Capitalist too. Therefore, your concerns are mine. Working class people suck. They spend money even before they make it. When the economy is bad they run scared which allows you and I the opportunity to cut costs at their expense. We can increase their workload and lower wages under the guise of threatened closure and continuing poor market conditions.

By shafting them we can buy up our competitors. We can spin off profitable companies using employee pension funds. When the pension funds are exhausted we can declare bankruptcy and keep what we bought without the employees being any the wiser. Isn’t Capitalism wonderful!

As you know, the only impediment to increasing wealth is our own false sense of moral responsibility. Mss Janet Puss Wuss is here to take all the blame. She is your professional scapegoat to be used to justify any action involving negative employee relations. Put plainly, you can screw them all without incurring any negative repercussions.

How so you might ask? It’s completely legal. By publishing me you can put your salaried writers at the ultimate disadvantage. Through good times or bad they will not only fear for their jobs but increase their output at no additional charge. The beauty of the proposal is that you will not be blamed. You can blame Mss Janet Puss Wuss instead.

Let me explain. For the past 5 months I’ve been writing for a “teen” publishing company. It's an advice column. You’ve probably heard of me. I go by the name of Mss Janet Puss Wuss. Like you, I believe in as little thought as possible. Too much of a good thing can easily overwhelm one. Your many responsibilities are threatening to give you an early heart attack. Let me put that pressure where it really belongs, on the amazingly brilliant and non-threatening shoulders of Janet Puss Wuss. I can do this by introducing you to the amazing world of cheap prepackaged format thrillers. What am I talking about? Please read carefully.

Mss Puss Wuss receives questions from frustrated, confused youngsters and attempts to put them into meaningful perspective. Honestly, the youth of today gives me hope for the future. Each and every one of our American young people are stars and deserve our positive recognition.

The reception of the column has been so positive that I have been encouraged to copyright it and serialize its contents. However, the demise of Ann Landers has led me to broaden my approach. That is the reason I am writing to you. For the small sum of $8.99 you can carry my first new column.

That’s right! Just $8.99! The fact is that the whole world is anxious during these dark times and troubled teenagers be damned, they can queue up behind the rest of us! God knows they are a greedy, impetuous lot. In order to help you broaden your reading base, I am accepting queries from anyone whatever their age, whether they are alone, sexually or literarily frustrated, frazzled, dazzled or just plain bored.

With two major ezines thinking about signing me up, the column is
threatening to become a worldwide phenomena! I’m sure you don’t want to disappoint your readers by not carrying what they soon will be clamoring for; Mss Janet Puss Wuss’s words of consolation and wisdom. I can only guess at the tremendous excitement this fine opportunity is engendering in you. You are undoubtedly thinking: “If only I had Mss Puss Wuss’s column in my hands right now!”

Dear editor or publisher, I will not leave you in the lurch. I’m sending the first of my revised columns with this cover letter. That’s right! All you need do is send the $8.99 in the form of a check, money order or cash tomorrow with the outgoing mail. No need to thank me. Remit the pocket change as soon as possible. Put it in an envelope tonight with my name on it. That way you won’t forget.

Now sit back and read the inaugural column of my exclusive new series. Rest assured it is my intent to satisfy both you and your reading public with this wonderful opportunity. Just remember the $8.99 you owe me. I can afford to work for such a ridiculous wage because of volume. When any employee comes to you for a raise all you have to do is say: “Janet Puss Wuss works for less than $9 a week and there are plenty more like her out there! So straighten up and get back to work!”

Sincerely,

Paolo Honorificas

For Mss Janet Puss Wuss Inc.

Column #1

“My Lesbian Bitch Sister”

Dear Mss Puss Wuss:

My name is Tiffany. Yesterday I had my 16th birthday. I don’t know how I’ve managed to survive so long. Until my friend Brandy told me about you I was going to commit suicide. You are my last and only source of help. Please don ’t disappoint me. Both my parents are very old. My sister is twenty years older than me and still living at home. I have to share a room with her. She is a fat lesbian who wants to get married and teach at the second grade level. Her name is Shay Lynn. She is my daddy’s favorite. Fortunately for her, she has very high self-esteem.

She is so large that her thighs are constantly rubbing together. She suffers from a constant rash but won’t go on a diet. Shay wears dirty jeans all the time with folded cuffs at the bottom. Being as broad as she is tall, Shay wears humongous ‘t’ shirts with funny sayings on them. For the last two weeks she has been wearing one that says: If you can’t play with the big dogs, run with the pack. She probably has breasts but you wouldn’t know it. I don’t know how she manages it but she is very popular. Everyone wants to be around her, especially the string bean, frilly girls. I guess by comparison, they look very pretty.

Everyone calls Shay “Helen Keller” behind her back. She doesn’t like it but admits she can’t see very well. Shay doesn’t like to drive pretty, little cars. She drives a huge four-wheel drive pick up the she swaggers toward but can’t climb into. Canola, her best buddy, has to hoist Shay into the seat. Shay doesn’t shave or wear deodorant. She seems to like to sweat. Shay smokes. She flips her ashes into the cuffs of her jeans. When not in use her cigarette package is carried rolled up in the sleeve of her ‘t’ shirt.

Her special friend Canola is the head gardener at our local community college. Shay works there as a groundskeeper. They’re always together watching cheerleading practice. Canola weighs about 98 pounds, eats boxes of chocolate candy, drinks diet pop, has a bony behind and lupus. Canola hates me. Her father is President of the local community college in Lost Bay, Oregon.

The problem is that Shay’s girlfriend’s daddy can’t stand Shay because her presence reminds him of the fact that his daughter is a lesbian. Both Canola and Shay have little butch haircuts. A cigarette is always hanging from the
corners of both of their mouths and they have tattoos on their arms.

Shay has been taking care of Canola’s ten-foot snake. The snake is kept in a box beneath our bunk beds. Its very weird but last night Shay took the red bandanna out of her back pocket and tied it around the snakes neck. I guess it is a neck but who can really say. What I noticed was a strange lump in the snake. It was not there two days ago. Yesterday my little poodle, Fi Fi disappeared. I can’t find him anywhere! I am so worried. Shay swears that she doesn’t know where Fi Fi is. When I ask Canola about it she just smirks and blows smoke rings at me. My parents don’t seem to care. What can I do?

Dear Tiffany:

Truth is a strong woman who sees the world with both eyes open. You are very bright. I can tell that from your letter. Tiffany, you of all people should know that there is no such thing as a “lesbian bitch”. It’s a figment of your teenage imagination. You do a great injustice to the struggling minorities of the world. Lesbians are angelic creatures. They don’t wear “butch” haircuts unless they are competitive swimmers. There is nothing “hard” about them at all. Just squint your eyes dear and you’ll see through the fictional stereotyping to the truth that all Gods creatures are the same underneath. Sisters are so special, Tiffany. We are all sisters. To have a sister is to have a special friend you can confide in.

So many young women who write to me are cursed with mean, nasty brothers. Honestly, men are chauvinistic ratfink pigs. You are fortunate in not being burdened with one. Inside the soul of every man is a bullyboy in heat. All they want is candy. They have a special, insatiable craving for sweets. They will say or promise anything to get it. Don’t surrender to their horrible appetites. They just want to be kings of the roost and dominate all our suffering Sisters. When it comes to it, men are nothing but tin-plated want to be pharos with pigeon dung for brains and a hose between their legs.

Tiffany, remember that this is an age when every family is expected to be positive and supportive of its more unique or closeted members. Believe me when I say that every family has one. Be careful not to alienate them. They have lots of friends and your hate mail could become intense. You need to be more of a friend to Shay and Canola. Have you tried to interest yourself in their activities? By becoming a more caring and intimate friend of Canola you can get closer to your sister. I don’t know what happened to Fi Fi. Be very careful of making unfounded as well as unsupportive accusations. Doing so might well destroy any hope of establishing a better relationship with both Shay and Canola.

Consider that Shay might be simply going through a phase. Have you given thought to a different kind of pet? If you decide to get another dog or even a cat please, please, please, remember to place a collar around its neck that has spikes on it. Cruelty to animals should not be condoned. I’m sure all my readers and your friends would agree with that. A porcupine might be a good choice for a new pet as well as providing you with a source of possible defense in case the snake or Canola decides on attacking you.

What you see as a misfortune may well be an asset. You must get yourself an agent. I can think of three talk shows that would have you on immediately. There are four t.v. shows that would want you if you can prove you’ve had any kind of relationship with a priest during the last six months. In case you haven’t already done so, convert to Catholicism and a priest will be provided to you free of charge.

Tiffany, I predict great things for you. Never forget your less fortunate “Sisters” and give them a helping hand whenever you can. Try my suggestions and make sure to write me back to let me know if my advice is working for you.

With all my love,

Janet Puss Wuss