Gypsy Eyes
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He looked up into her eyes as his heart began to beat wildly, he felt like he was losing her, every part of him wanted to scream. He couldn’t lose someone else right now, didn’t she know how much he needed her.
“Chickening out on me?”
Her eyes narrowed at me as her voice sank “You know better than that.”
“You are being driven by emotions and those emotions are going to get us killed.”
I know she is right, I am being driven my a force I can’t even explain, but I’ve never been this close before.
“My father is out there and I have to find him.”
“Or die trying.”
“Or die trying.” I don’t even think twice before I say that. “but you shouldn’t. You’ve come farther than anyone with me and I will never forget that.”
*****
I’m laying in this damn bed, tired as hell tossing and turning, everything that has happened in the last 2 days just keeps running over and over in my head. I would never leave him, doesn’t he understand that yet? Doesn’t he know me?
I’m not sure what made me follow him to Russia in the first place, but I knew that I couldn’t let him do this alone.
I turn over and stair at the wall, he on the other side we are flying home tomorrow morning with the Admiral.
I just want to talk to him, I can’t seem to get the look I saw in his eyes when he realized that his father was dead, for so many years he has believed. And now in a moment it was all over and I can’t help but feel sad. It almost like I knew his father.
The truth is I was hoping with every part of my heart that we would find his father.
I hear a soft knock on the door I lay there for a moment longer, I feel completely drained, a journey I’ve been on my whole life had ended. I have a peace about it, but there just something else I need.
I knock again lightly thinking maybe he is asleep, any other time I wouldn’t want to wake him, but I need to be with him.
The door opens slightly and look up at him. “Hey.... did I wake you.”
I’m surprised to see her standing there, though I’ve wanted to be with her since I closed that door earlier I never would have expect her tonight, but I have found that she is like no one I’ve ever known.
“Hey... no .. no you didn’t.” I see something in her eyes. “You okay?”
“Yea I just ... well maybe I just needed to see you.”
“Come in.”
He moved aside and I stepped into his dark room, the light from the moon glowed through the window where I found myself standing.
He was only wearing a pair of red boxers, but it didn’t accrue to me to mind.
I wasn’t sure why she was here, but I was glad. Just to have her in the same room, to
know that she was apart of what just took place in my life and to believe that she
understood the journey almost as much as I did.
“How are you doing?” I ask quietly. I have need to be reassured that he is okay, though
I know that right now he would let me stand here all night without saying a word if that
is what I wanted.
“I’m okay. Its been a long day.”
I turn to look at him, he is now sitting on the edge of the bed. “I’m sorry, its late. I can go.”
“No no... I would rather you stay.”I speak the words so fast they surprise me.
“Are you sure.” I walk towards him, stop 5 feet in front of him, looking down into his eyes.
“I need you here.”
That is all it takes, I walk to him wrap my arms around him.
She feel so good as I slip my arms around her waist and rest my head against her. I can feel her breathing and I’m lost, I can’t believe this women, she has been the one person who has understood my obsession with finding father, she had not only understood,
but she hasn’t left me because of it.
I can feel him take a deep breath and his shoulders relax beneath my arms. I think he is still battle with something, but I can’t figure out what it is. So I pull away for a moment and look down into his eyes.
“Harm what is it ?”
“You didn’t leave me.”
Then I realize because he found his father he is being forced to face the issue of so many
people leaving him that started with his father.
“I would never leave you.”
“I know that here.” his hand covered his heart as the emotions came pouring from his eyes once again “But my head always tired to tell me other wise.”
I lower myself to his lap and let my fingers rest on either side of his face. “Don’t you trust me?”
“I do.” It was true I was trusting her with things I never could even share with Diane.“but you don’t understand”
“Then tell me.” I want him to talk to him, open up to me.
“I never shared with...” I almost can’t say it to her, she looks so much like the ghost of my past, I feel guilty saying this to her. “I could never tell Diane everything about my father.”
I felt the tears before they came, this man was amazing. He was like nothing I had ever known. And he had shared something with me that he couldn’t even share with the one women he had ever loved in his life.
“
Why ?” I ask so softly I can’t tell if he has heard, but if I had spoke it my eyes must have been pleading with him because his hands tighten around my waist and he began to speak.
“I was still struggling with it... and it ...” my close as I seek understanding “It just was never the right time.”
“Its who you are. I’m so sorry for your lost.” she knew it must be like losing him all over
again.
“Do you realize how close I was to him today.” his eyes meant her. “Its been such a long time since I was that close to him.”
“I know and he was there.”
“He really was wasn’t he?” He got up and I sank down into the bed. He was pacing the room. “I feel like I can let him go now. My whole life I’ve just wanted to know the truth.
I’ve believed he was alive for so long it was shocking to find out he wasn’t, but I have this peace about. Its okay.”
“Harm its always been truth you were after.”
“It changes everything.” I make my way over to her and sit beside her.
“What does it change.”
“I don’t know.” its the truth I can’t figure out has all changed, I just know that it has all
changed. “I don’t want things to go on like nothing has happened.”
“I know things have changed for you Harm. I can see it.”
I take her hand “No Sarah you not listening to me.” the words are rushed and more harsh than I mean for them to be and her eyes widen.
“What do you mean.”
“I mean ... until day I was consumed with so many things, this trip even... I wasn’t mean
I was a man on a search for things I didn’t even realize, and I was looking for something, and I didn’t even know what it was. I found it... I found it.”
His smile consumed me for the first time, I have never let his smile reach my heart, it would have been to easy, but at this moment his smile consumes me and I reach up to wipe a strained tear away.
“I know you did.”
“No you see I found more than just my father, I found the courage to let go of things
I’ve held on to for too long, I found out the reason I’m in the Navy and reason I love being a lawyer almost as much as I love flying Tomcats, but most importantly I found you.”
I can’t help but smile a little at him. “Harm I was never lost to you.”
“Yea you were, I never allowed you to be found to me. I never let myself see you, because I knew I would never let you go when I did, and all this time I knew I couldn’t hold on to you..... but when you were there with me... I saw ... I found you... I found
myself when I looked in your eyes.”
Something in me realizes that this is my very future, for the rest of my life I will belong
to this man, no matter what it is we have to over come, I’m his.
“Harm.”
“Its you and it always been you. Your everything I’ve ever needed. You’ve made things in my life that were impossible, probable. Your the only one who has never given up on me, when everyone around me said I wouldn’t make it back you stood right next to me
and believed in me. When life said no chance of any chance you gave me hope.” he closed his eyes taking yet another deep breath, this was a struggle for him and I could see it.
There was no doubt as I wrapped my arms around his neck. “I love you Harm, I love who you are, not what you’ve accomplished, or what you have, or do. But who you are.
I love you so much sometimes I can’t understand it. There is no place in the world that I would go with you. To the ends of the earth I would follow you.”
I hear his laughter of joy and I can feel the tears on my shoulder, but its what I hear that
brings my own tears.
“I love you Sarah. I always will.”
Updated: July 18, 2003 ~ * ~
Webpage Created: Summer of 2003
