Its the light knock that makes me stop typing, though I know who it is before I even turn around.
Sure I could hope it is Gunny, but I know it not.
As I turn in my seat I see him standing tall at the door.
“Come in.” I knew this was coming, I was just
hoping I had a little more time before it did.
I can’t help me angry at him for following me out here. He knows me well enough by now to know that I need some space, some time to sort everything out.
There is no need for small talk at this point. “Mac why do you think I asked for this assignment?”
“I really have no idea Harm.”
“So we could talk. We need to talk.” He stepped farther into the room. “You weren’t going to call me
back.”
Its with that statement that I let my head drop. He was right of course. I wasn’t going to call him back.
“Before you left you asked for my help.”
“I’m handling it okay.” I can’t meet his eyes.
“Half a world away?” I question.
“It seemed like the right thing to do.” why does me make me second guess everything I do?
I see her fighting to keep me out and is really pissing me off. “Mac would you just let me in, tell me
what your feeling.” How can I help her if I don’t understand what is going on in her head.
I can feel the emotions crashing in on me and I can’t do this in front of him. “Presurred. Why are you
doing this Harm?”
“Because I made you a promise.”
I get up and look him right in the eye. “Oh I see Harm and what would we have talked about ?”
His eyes brief look up as if he is searching his mind for the right answer and then he shifts his
weight slightly. “Well about us.”
That is it, I’ve had it “There is no US! There is only Harm and Renee.” I take a deep breath as my real
feelings begin to tumble out. “What are you willing to give up for me? Damn it. Mic gave up his country and his navy for me. Are you willing to give up your girl friend?”
“What are you testing me?”
“Well would you?”
“What if I did?” I never knew that was what she wanted from me, how could I have know?
“Answer the question.”
“Only if you answer mine.”
I can’t handle this anymore. “I’m so tired of this dance.” his hesitation is enough and I force my self
to walk away.
It seems to all it me at once and it forces me to take a deep breath. “Of course I’m willing to....” as I
turn around I see she is gone. “What the hell....” I throw my arms in the air “Every time with us.” I head
out the door in search of her.
“Mac...” I see her up ahead “Would you wait a minute.” When I reach her she is at Gunny’s side.
“Gunny”
“Commander” I reach out and shake his head.
“Mac I need to talk to you.”
“I think we’ve talked enough.”
I glance over at Gunny nervously. I’m about to cross the line and I know it. I only hope, as I meet his eyes he understands my actions.
“Sarah please don’t make me make a scene.”
At the sound of my first name falling from his lips I quickly look up at him.
What is he doing? I’m ready to object. “Harm..”
“Sarah... I will. Please just come finish talking to me.”
This is already enough of a scene and I see in his eyes he is not playing games. “Gunny I will be just
a few more minutes okay.”
“Yes Ma’am”
At that moment I choose to take her by the arm and lead her to a more private place.
He leads me careful through the crowded ship and in moments I find myself standing with him out side at the familiar spot. Often when we are a carrier I’ve slipped away to this very spot to watch the F14s take off and land. He loves it here, almost as much as he loves down there when he is in one of those F14s.
“Harm....” he lets go of my arm and puts so space between us.
I don’t want her to feel like I’m making her stay.
“We still have a job to do... how am I going to explain what happened back there to Gunny?”
“You don’t have to explain anything to him. You out rank him.” I turn gaze down at the tomcats.
Taking a deep breath I watch him. There is nothing left I can say to him.
“Damn Harm what are we doing?”
Angry crashes in around me as I turn and face her “We are talking about us.” my voices raise a
degree and I see in her eyes the surprise. “Mac what did you want me to do? Her father died. There was nothing I could do.”
For the first time I feel a bit guilt about me angry at him. “I know Harm.”
“Well then what... you left before I could even talk to you, you hung up on me when were on the
phone and then back there you leave before I can even answer you. You are not playing fair.”
“Fair ... Fair ... what the hell do you know about fair. I know you had to be there for her, but damn it I
just needed...” I can’t finish. I don’t know how. So instead I just make my way towards the railing and
lean against it. Letting the wind hit my face. I can feel the tears building.
“What Mac... what did you need.”
I turn to look at him, we are so close right now, yet I feel like we are a million miles away from each
other. “I just needed you.... and yes I was jealously.”
I see the tears building. “Oh Mac....” I start to move towards her when she puts her out against my
chest.
“No don’t you dare. I don’t need your pity.”
“Its not pity..... I ... There ... Its just.” I can’t seem to find the words and I feel her getting ready to run again. So I cover her hand on my chest with mine. “Please..... don’t.”
“I can’t do this with you any more Harm.... I love you. But me loving you is costing me a life time of
happiness. Mic and I were never going to make it.”
My throat is dry now and I don’t know if I can get any words out at all. “Why?”
I barely push the words out through the tears that now fall. “Because I didn’t love him, you knew that
the night we stood on the Admiral porch. Since that night all I’ve thought about is why I didn’t wait for you.... That is what you said ... that I should have waited.” I don’t care that I’m crying in front him
how, I won’t surrender to the need to hide from him anymore.
She looks so broken and I can’t help but pull her into my arms.
Its in the shelter of his arms that more tears begin to fall. I know its the only place I will ever find shelter again.
“Its alright sweatheart, its alright.” I genly rub my hand up and down her back as I whisper to her.
“Nothing has been alright since I met you.”
I can’t help but laugh, she is right. Neither one us has been alright since that day. “I will give you
that.”
I pull away from him wipping my eyes. When I met his eyes again I can see the truth in them, for the
first time we are in this together. “What we are we going to do?”
I take a deep breath. “We can’t do anything right now.” I see her start to react so I quickly continue.
“But when you get back from his assignment we start over.”
“And what? What are we going to start over for.
Its not going to change anything. It doesn’t matter
any more.” I turn away from him. “I’m in love with you.” I don’t want to see his face when I say this
to him. “That is not going to change, believe me. I thought it would, but it hasn’t.”
“I don’t want it to change.”
I’m turn to him angry again “You can’t have everything you want. Me waiting for you and Renee right
now.”
That is it “I haven’t had everything I’ve wanted.”
I yell at her “If I had everythingI wanted Renee
wouldn’t have been there at all that night and you could have come and I could have wipped all
your tears away.” I reach out for her. “There is no Renee anymore. I love you.”
I feel like I’ve been hit in the stomach. “What?”
I can’t stand on my own anymore and I lean against
the railing.
“I love you.” Its alot easier the second time I say it and I know if she gives me the opportunity to say it to her more it will get even eaiser.
Email: Andrea
~JAG FAN-FIC~
JAG PAGE~ Main Page~
Disclaimers: JAG and its characters are the property of Paramount Pictures, Viacom, CBS, Belisarius Productions, and Donald P. Bellisario. This site is not intended to violate any copyrights they have and is not intended for profit in any way, shape or form. It is meant to be a respectful tribute to the show and its characters and actors.
Webpage Created: April 7, 04
| | |
