She looked over at him. “Harm...” she walked over to the stereo, she picked up a few CD’s trying to keep her mind off of the direction of their conversation.
He watched her as he struggling with the inter demon he had fought with for so long. He was holding on to the last 5 years with her. He followed her.
His eyes watched her close, he loved seeing her here, go through his stuff like it was her own.
The wall he had spent months building had all but fallen about the time he laid down on the couch with her and now he was left wanting to pick up the piece and yet wanting to look at for a moment without the wall there to block his view. “Mac someone smiles at you and your ready ... you go running.”
“Harm that is not fair....” she tried to look away from but couldn’t.
“Mac its the truth.” he started to pace. “you went to the alcohol to fast.”
Her eyes followed him. “You are right about that. It was a mistake. I know.... I know....” she more saying it for herself than for him. “I’m just in this place.... In my life... I don’t know how I got here.”
“Why didn’t you wait? Back then ... why didn’t you wait?” he wanted things to be different. He longed for things to be different.
“Wait for what ?” she looked up at him as the music started. “I asked you.” Why did he always blame her for this mess they seemed to be in.
“When?” his eyes shut open, never leaving her.
“In Australia. You made it very clear you couldn’t....”
“Mac I needed time.” To him there was a difference.
“That is not what you said.” How could he be telling her this... that had she waited a little
longer he would have come to her. At that moment she just wanted him to reach out and calm the storm that was raging inside of her. “I gave you time.”
“By the end of the trip you had his ring on.” his voice raised a little. “That is not waiting.
That is running to someone else.” he shook his head.
“I hadn’t said yes to him yet.... I didn’t understand why you were holding so much back from me.”
“There are alot of things at stake here...” “there....” he corrected himself quickly
“Who do you see Harm when you look at me.”
He wasn’t sure he could answer her question. There were so many things that he saw when he looked into her eyes, and he loved all them. He didn’t want to tell her what he saw, he wanted to show her. But he stop himself. “You know what I see.”
“What....”
“I see a moment of weakness.... I don’t want a moment of weakness. It has to be more.”
She understood what he wanted, it was all the same things she wanted, she was just willing to let go a little faster than he was. Which made him right, she went to easily, but she wanted him to see something in her that would make him let go, but she hadn’t been able to accomplish this in the last 5 years, what made her think she could do it in three minutes.
“What ... What was so much more important to you.” she asked lightly.
“Not more important. Just more obstacles....”
“What.” she screamed at him.
“Our relationship was already effect our work.”
“It could have worked out.”
“What ... one of us getting transferred out of here and us never seeing each other.” it was
fear he had, he had never voiced it, but it was still there. “One of us, or both of us losing our careers... I couldn’t do that to you... and where would that have left us?”
It was a question she didn’t have an answer. “I would have risked it.” yet she knew that part of him couldn’t because of all things that he held on too.
“Why do you obese over everything.”
“I don’t.”
“Yes you do... your father... Diane...Jordan.... Why do you keep them around.”
His heart stung, she had nailed him. “Because Mac...”
“Because why.” she reached over and touched his chest, wanting him to just go to her.
“Because maybe I don’t want to be alone.”
“Your alone because you push everything away from you. Mic knew what he wanted.”
“He wanted you....”
“Ya he wanted me... and it felt nice to be wanted.”
For a moment he didn’t say anything “You’ve always been wanted.....”
“No Harm.... I wanted someone to want me so much that even if their world was spinning out of control because of me they would still want me.”
“Sometimes people find it hard to let go.”
She sighed and pushed past him. “Why do we always talk about us in the third person.
Why can’t we have a damn normal conversation.”
“Sarah....” he felt things change as he spoke her name, things were going down that road and he was having a hard time control his feelings.
“Don’t call me that.” she felt the tears come to hear eyes.
“That is your name.” he smiled as he stepped up next to her.
“But you never call me that.” she loved the way he said her name, the calmness that washed over her when he would say it, but she didn’t want to feel him get close to her only to pull away when he got scared.
For the first time since he had fallen in love with her, he wanted to be honest with her about what he was feeling. To show her the way he really felt. “Its hard for me to call you that.”
Her breath quickened. “Why?”
“Because It means letting go of something.”
She closed her eyes and leaned into him. Her head rested against his chest.
His arms went around her lightly. “Last night ... why ?”
Her tears started again she did care, he had just handed her a small piece of his life and she would hold on to it with all she had. “I don’t want to marry him.”
“You don’t have to....” it was made so simple in that moment, he would let her go through it, he knew now for beyond a shadow of a doubt she didn’t want. His eyes closed. “It was hard to see you like that last night.”
“I couldn’t think anymore, I just wanted to ..... I don’t know.....”
“Why didn’t you call me.... I would have helped you.” he just wanted one time for her to need him for something. “I would have understood.” he closed his eyes wishing he could change so many things about the last 5 years.
“I couldn’t. Things have been so hard between us the last few weeks.... I didn’t want you to see me like that. You hate me when I’m like that.”
“I don’t hate you Sarah, I’ve never hated you. I hate to see you so far gone that you think that is the only thing you’ve got.”
“It was the only thing I had last night.” she didn’t know why she felt that way, she knew what she had was far greater than a drink but at the time she couldn’t see anything past that moment.
“You had me.... you’ve always had me.”
Her arms gripped his shoulders. Oh god, that was all she had ever wanted. Just him.
“Harm.....” she was so angry at him. It was always like this, a roller coast with him. She never knew “What do you want from me?”
He pulled away from her as he gripped his fists together. “Don’t you understand” he pushed out threw clinched teeth. It was the only thing he had ever wanted.
His eyes searched hers. It was so hard for him to be honest with her about how he was feeling. “I
want you to need me... need me to comfort you, protect you, making you smile...” he closed his eyes for a moment as she stepped closer to him. “to need every part of me.” that last sentence was only a whisper as he finally admitted the truth to her.
Damn it, he didn’t need her to be weak, but he was a man, he wanted her to need him in ever way a women needed a man.
Her head was spinning and her knees were weak as she watched him. She had never seen this part of him.
He was always so guarded around her about what he felt.
“Sarah ....” he took a deep breath “I respect who you are and what you’ve accomplished in your career and your life, your a strong marine... but why can’t you just need me ... for something.” It was the deepest need he had.
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