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I think of when my heart used to throb with aching
Watching your back walk away from me when you left
Adoring your very form
Making my chest squeeze
Caught in a quiet rapture of loving you
Blessing God Almighty for sending you to me,
Running to each successive window to catch one last glimpse of
You driving away.
Now,
So very many lies
And so much treacherous neglect later
I vacillate between feeling relief when you are gone
And hating you for leaving.
This then becomes the question
That has tripped up men's minds for time immemorial:
Whether it is better to be in a twisted
Incomplete love
That feels barely adequate
Interspersed with brief moments of nostalgic delusion
Or
To have no love at all.
I was in love with you.
I adored your every breath,
Longed to float on your every word.
You have systematically robbed me of all that joy
And there is such an angry dark hole
Where you once were.
(Was I so blind ?
Or were you that adept ?)
You are such a poisonous disappointment to me
And I wonder which of us is more to blame,
Not that blame absolves the pain
Or extenuates any circumstances.
I want to love, to laugh
To be held close in a mans' arms
Knowing I am all he wants,
Assured my name and comfort are synonymous to him.
I will never be all you want
And I live each hour
Paying heavy penance
For that
Unwitting sin.
I recall with heart hurting
What it was to see your face everywhere
Now I look at you with secret glaring eyes
Guilty when I catch myself ,
Sad that you won't love me
Wholly
Cleave to me only
Sad so often
So often
All the time sad.
Like wagon wheels over muddy ruts
My heart has dragged through
All the stages of loss
Feeling shock, disbelief
Despair
That pitiful but inevitable attempt at
Bargaining with God for a better outcome;
The burning rage ensuing
When
The Bargain failed;
And finally,
Acceptance as dwarfing as an empty home.
Acceptance that you will never love me
The way I need to be loved,
That you will never spoon-lay with me in the whispering night
Cherish me, tell me I am your world.
That your own heart,
Just as barren soil
Lacks the basic components for growth and nurturing.
Love cannot thrive
In that shriveled shell
Of yours.
I do not know which of us
To be sorrier for.
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