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People say we look good together
My fiery hair contrasting his raven-dark coloring.
The lines of his face
So finely sculpted
So irresistibly inviting to the touch
Drawing my fingers to it like candy lures a childs' hand.
Liquid coffee eyes
Which smile
And search.
Often
I cannot look at him
Fearing that which is in my heart
Will betray me.
He is possessed of this quiet richness in spirit
Of a magnitude that
Both inspires weighty dissertation
And simultaneously silences it
Making me acutely aware that
Just as any other wonder of nature
Flimsy words
Will never do him the justice
He deserves.
I am near-afraid.
I tremble and shiver.
This Man
Is all I ever thought
A man should be in this Life.
It is always a shock to experience
Ones' most hopeful wishes in fruition
Unable to fully comprehend
That they have indeed materialized.
There is this sense of impermanency
To the reality
As though it is a filmy engaging dream
I cannot quite remember
Its' details
Melting into subconsciousness
With the dawn.
I lay awake
Gazing at him as he sleeps
Luxuriating in
The inventory of
Each infinitesimally
Stunning detail
Of his face.
I do not expect anything.
I do not expect that he will be here
Tomorrow, next week, next month.
God has never favored me thus.
God & I have a keen understanding on that subject.
It took me a while to learn it
But the lesson stuck.
I am satisfied to review the time I have already been given.
If more is to come, so be it.
I do not ask these things
From God or from my Dark Beauty.
With the gift I am given
Of his nearness
I wish only to broaden his perspective
Teach him to see himself more as I see him
Protect and indemnify him against future hurts.
He has endured such pain and borne it nobly
Igniting in me the fierce desire to shield him from any more.
I wish to be his confidante
And Friend.
Though the loving is incandescent
Charged
Compelling
And a narcotic I could most easily habituate to
It is secondary
To being his companion.
I crave not only his nearness
But hunger for his words
His thoughts
His feelings.
Reverently, I hold them in the palm of my memory
Like diamonds in blinding sunlight
Mesmerized by the precious flash and glitter
Humbled by the value,
Grateful to be witness to such breathtaking splendor.
There is this uncanny comfort
In being with him
Like re-visiting an old and dear memory
Or going home
After a lengthy absence
Heartfelt grateful to be once again
Where one belongs and is happiest.
It is peculiar
But reassuring
To feel this way toward him.
Contentment is such an infrequent guest for me, you see.
This journey unfolds as it is
And I ask nothing,
Have no map, no destination
No design.
I am committed to simply cherishing each step
Along the way
Nurturing them as they come, if they come.
It is enough for me
And my life
Just to know
He really does exist.
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