The music started and I walked down on the aisle. There were a few gasps, a bunch pictures flashing, but all I saw was AJ at the end of the aisle. He looked absolutely beautiful in his black tux and silver vest. The entire ceremony went well. I’m pretty sure everyone had a great time. We didn’t go on a honeymoon, because I was going to join him on the tour later, so we both thought we didn’t need one. Our wedding night was fantastic. We decided we were going to start trying to have a family right away. Children were very important to both of us. A month later AJ left for the tour. The boys were going to Europe first. 3 weeks after he left my period was late and I was feeling tired and nauseous. I highly suspected I was pregnant. I went to the doctor to know for sure. He confirmed that yes I was pregnant. At first I was elated, then scared, then nervous, then excited! For the first month I didn’t tell anyone even AJ. I wanted to see how it went first and I wanted to tell him in person. So I decided to meet up with the guys on tour. AJ and I would go out to dinner and then I’d tell him the exciting news.
I boarded the plane to Amsterdam at 8 am and arrived there a long 13 hours later. I went and checked into the hotel. I was trying to get to AJ’s room with none of the other boys seeing me. I thought that would be easy as they don’t walk around the hotel much anyway due to security reasons. Yet I was wrong, I pushed the button for the elevator, stepped in and who walks in a few seconds before the doors close? Brian! I’d been spotted. At first he was really surprised, but then he was excited at the idea of me surprising AJ. I didn’t tell him I was pregnant.
I knocked on AJ’s door, he took a while to answer. When he finally did he was wearing only his boxers. He was also a little drunk. He looked very shocked to see me. I walked into his room and to my horror, there was a girl laying on his bed. She also looked a little drunk, she was also naked. It was obvious they had fucked. I just stood there for a moment, not quite sure what to do.
“Baby, it’s not what you think, lemme explain, please!?!” AJ begged
“AJ don’t talk, I can’t bear to even look at you right now.... I need to go, please don’t follow me, I need to think” I cried
*Flashback to warm nights almost left behind, a suitcase of memories, time after, sometimes you picture me but I’m walking to far ahead, your calling to me but I can’t hear what you said, you said go slow and I fall behind and the second hand unwinds*
AJ protested for a while but I wasn’t listening, I grabbed my stuff and walked out the door. Just when I want to run as far away from there as I can, I bump into Brian again. He sees that I’m obviously crying and very upset. He coaxes me into his room. I asked him to hold me, he does, gently rubbing my back. For a while we just sit there in silence.
“So you going to tell me what’s wrong, Becs?” He asked gently
“I despise AJ, I love him but right now I hate him and that’s what makes it even worse” I answered
“Lemme guess, you walked in on him with someone?” He asked
“Yeah, how did you know?” I asked him wondering now If AJ did this all the time.
“What else would make you this upset?” Brian replied
“Your right, I don’t know what to do Brian, I flew here so I could tell him in person I’m pregnant” I told him, then I ran to the bathroom and threw up...repeatedly. Brian came in after a minute and asked if I was O.K., then he held my hair back so I wouldn’t throw up on it.
“Thanks so much for that.” I looked at him and smiled for a second
“No problem, so... wow, your pregnant, that’s fabulous.” Brian gushed
“It was fabulous, but now I’m not so sure, I’m still thrilled to have a baby, but now I don’t know if AJ’s going to be there and that’s going to be so hard to raise I child alone, that’s not the kind of environment I pictured for my kid when I planned this.” I sobbed
“Shh..” Brian came over and tired to comfort me, “It’s going to be O.K., I don’t exactly know how but it will be O.K.”.
I slept at Brian’s that night, he slept on the couch, I wanted to take it but he was insistent I sleep on the bed. I thanked him for all his love and support. I really appreciated it, it meant a lot to me. I left for Orlando the next day, without seeing AJ. When I caught home I sat on ‘our’ bed and cried. Eventually AJ phoned.
“Hello' I picked up the phone.
“Hey, it’s me, please don’t hang up” AJ pleaded.
“O.K.” I spoke softly
“Your pregnant?” He asked cautiously, not wanting to say the wrong thing that would cause me to hang up on him.
“Yeah, I am, that’s why I went to Amsterdam, I was going to surprise you with the news, but fuck, that plan sure backfired on me now didn’t it?” I was crying again now.
“I’m so sorry, Becs, I was drunk and I know that’s no excuse but I love you so much and what I did was really wrong and I don’t know what to do to make you forgive you but please .... Beckster, please, don’t leave me.” AJ was now crying as well.
“ AJ right now I’m so disgusted with you, all I keep imagining is you and that woman together, your fucking her, you have your hands on her and she has her hands on you, I can’t even imagine you touching me again without me picturing her.” I replied
“But Becca what about that necklace you gave me on our 2 year anniversary, the one that says, I’ll love you forever and always”?” AJ asked
“AJ fuck, you don’t get it at all do you, of course I meant what I had engraved on that necklace, I still believe it and always will, that’s what makes this worse, I love you so much it hurts, now to think of you with another woman practically kills me, if I didn’t love you I wouldn’t care who you fucked on the side. No matter what happens between us I will always love you, but loves changes AJ, love gets diminished by hurt, but it’s still love none the less. But the fact that I will love you forever does not give you the right to go fuck whoever the hell you please and expect to come back to me and have me forgive you and pretend like everything’s O.K., I can’t and won’t do that.” I told him.
“Becca, I don’t know what to do, tell me what to do and how to fix this please” AJ begged
“AJ I don’t know what to do either, for now finish the tour, you’ll be back here in a month, I think the space will be good for us, hopefully we’ll reflect on our relationship and where it stands, then when you get back we’ll talk about this and see if we can work this out, because honestly AJ, I don’t want to leave you, I don’t want our child spending one week at my house and then one at yours, I want us to be together, but I don’t know if I can do that.” I whispered
“O.K., I’ll talk to you later baby” AJ spoke softly, he knew there was nothing else he could do or say.
“Good-bye AJ” I whispered
“Bye becs, I love you” He whispered in return. Then we both hung up. I didn’t know what else to do. So I put on my pajamas, brushed my teeth and went to sleep. Maybe things would be clearer in the morning.
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