A Guide for the Dangerously Stupid
Congratulations on purchasing a bag of Jungle Fresh nuts. Correctly used, these salty snacks should provide minutes of healthy enjoyment, however, in order to derive optimum pleasure, and minimal injury, we do recommend that the following procedure is studied and followed.
YOU WILL NEED
1 x comfortable chair
1 x bag of nuts
1 x television receiving equipment, tuned to the sporting event of your choice
Up to 3 dogs - cats or other pets are NOT RECOMMENDED and could be DANGEROUS
STEP 1. OPENING THE BAG
This is a relatively simple procedure, but care needs to be taken
nonetheless, so follow the steps carefully.
1. Take hold of the TOP of the bag at EITHER SIDE between FOREFINGER AND
THUMB, taking care not to slash your wrists open on the surprisingly sharp
plastic edges.
2. Draw the edges of the bag apart with a smooth firm motion.
3. If you SHOULD LOSE YOUR GRIP on the bag, take extreme care not to smack
yourself in the face with your flailing hand as this can result in OBVIOUS
BRUISING. Instead, you are advised to throw yourself into the safe haven of
the COMFORTABLE CHAIR until the hand-danger is passed. On NO ACCOUNT throw
yourself into the safe haven of THE FLOOR, THE TELEVISION, THE DOGS, THE
WINDOW, THE OVEN, THE LIGHTFITTINGS or THE ROTATING BLADES OF A NEARBY
HELICOPTER as severe injury and embarrassment may result.
If you have an open bag of nuts before you, you may now proceed to step
2. Otherwise, simply repeat step 1 until full openness is achieved.
STEP 2. REMOVING NUT FROM BAG
1. Set the bag upon your lap, making sure it is reasonably stable.
2. GENTLY insert one hand into the bag. IT MAY BE NECESSARY TO WITHDRAW EYES
FROM TELEVISION IN ORDER TO ACCOMPLISH THIS SAFELY. You may prefer to wait
until a commercial break or other interval in the action. You should also
ensure that you are not over-excited by the sporting events in progress
before attempting this manoeuvre.
3. CLOSE YOUR FINGER AND THUMB over a single nut. DO NOT attempt to
select MULTIPLE NUTS. Not only is this an extremely advanced manoeuvre
and highly risky in itself, but it will unnecessarily complicate step 3 and
will almost certainly lead to brain injury, death and further embarrassment.
If you FAIL to secure a nut, open the finger and thumb, then close again
in a different position - although STILL WITHIN THE BAG - until a nut is
secured.
4. WITHDRAW HAND FROM BAG taking care not to break nut, drop nut,
lacerate hand on edges of bag, grind nut into own eye, smack head on door
jamb, press thigh against red-hot coals, or drive meat skewers through fleshy
parts of upper arm.
With the nut now secured in the hand, the operation is nearly complete.
However, you cannot afford to let your guard down.
STEP 3. TRANSPORTING NUT TO MOUTH
1. Delicate hand-eye co-ordination is required. KEEPING YOUR EYES FIXED ON
THE NUT, first WITHDRAW your hand. Should the nut DROP at this point,
you will have to repeat step 2.
2. RAISE NUT TOWARDS face - avoiding eyes, ears, nostrils, hotline to
Moscow and Nuclear Button in the process.
3. OPEN MOUTH - this step is vital and EASILY FORGOTTEN IN THE HEAT OF THE
MOMENT
4. PLACE NUT JUST INSIDE MOUTH. Do not attempt to force nut in.
Nut should fit easily inside, and need not be entirely encased in mouth
orifice. If nut does not fit easily, check that mouth is open and that
nut is in mouth, rather than ear. A small mirror may be helpful.
5. RELEASE NUT AND WITHDRAW FINGERS FROM MOUTH. Failure to perform this
easily-overlooked step can lead to crippling injuries. If you are in any
doubt, consult mirror once more. Nut will probably be just visible inside
mouth and FINGERS SHOULD BE WELL CLEAR before step 4 commences.
You are nearly ready to enjoy your nut - however the last step is by far
the most dangerous, and EXTREME CARE should be taken. Inexperienced eaters of
nuts may care to practice without nuts in order to have confidence in
steps 1 to 3 before proceeding to the nut "fire fight" which is step 4.
STEP 4. EATING THE NUT
1. Begin to move jaws up and down in a rhythmic fashion. AT LEAST 20
ITERATIONS ARE RECOMMENDED. "JUNGLE FRESH" CANNOT BE HELD RESPONSIBLE FOR INJURY,
WOUNDING, DEATH, INTERNATIONAL INCIDENTS OR WARFARE RESULTING FROM FAILURE TO
FOLLOW THIS DIRECTIVE.
2. As nut structure begins to break down, guide resulting substance to
rear of mouth. DO NOT ATTEMPT TO BREATHE - BUT DO NOT LINGER AT THIS POINT
EITHER. All your concentration must now be brought to bear on guiding the
nut safely down the oesophagus, without inhaling and without passing out
due to lack of oxygen.
3. As nut remnants reach back of throat, swallow quickly THEN RE-COMMENCE
BREATHING.
Congratulations - you may now repeat from step 1, until bag is empty or belly
is full.
TROUBLESHOOTING GUIDE
1. NUTS TASTE "PLASTICKY" - You are eating the bag.
2. NUTS TASTE "FURRY" AND DOGS ARE YELPING - You are eating the dogs.
3. NUTS TASTE REVOLTING - This is normal
4. FINGERS CANNOT GRASP NUT - Bag is closed or is empty.
5. NUTS ARE ALL OVER FLOOR. Bag is upside down, or has been opened with
undue force. Deploy dogs and request fresh bag.
6. NUTS CANNOT BE SEEN - Light is off or eyes are closed.
7. NUTS ARE TASTELESS AND EYES ARE FULL OF GRIT - You have placed nut
in eye instead of mouth
8. NUTS ARE TASTELESS AND I AM DEAF - You have placed nut in ear
instead of mouth
9. I AM LYING ON THE FLOOR AND DOGS ARE STARING AT ME - You have attempted to
breathe while chewing and / or have failed to chew nut thoroughly.
10. SIRENS ARE GOING OFF, MR RUMSFELD IS SHOUTING AND MR CHENEY IS CLUTCHING
AT HIS CHEST - You have confused bag of nuts with nuclear alert. Go back
to watching television.
NB: If you are not President of the United States of America, the most powerful individual in the Western World and controller of the World's largest nuclear arsenal and/or you have two brain cells to rub together, you can safely ignore these instructions.
