Britney: ::Cracks Gum:: This like reminds me of the time like I hurt my baby toe. I was like walking in the dark cuz like I couldn't find the light switch, like I've told Justin so many times he needs to like get the clapper or something thing cuz don't you just like think it's so cool that like you clap and like the lights turn on. Well, unless you only like had one hand and then you couldn't like clap and you'd be like stuck walking in the dark like I was. ::Giggle:: So like anyways so I was walking in the dark and I couldn't like see cuz it was like totally dark and I couldn't see the table that was like in front of me and I stubbed my baby toe. I like really hurt and I cried and Justin got me ice. He's like so sweet....
Caller: WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH ME BEING PREGNANT???
Britney: Gosh like have a cow or something~! It was like my BABY toe duh.
3 mins later...
Caller: Hi my boyfriend is like pressuring me to have sex before I'm ready and I don't know what to do. He says if I don't have sex with his he's going to break up with me, what should I do?
Britney: Ok like um what kind of car does like your boyfriend drive?
Caller: A Corvette why?
Britney: What color?
Caller: ...Red...
Britney: Ok like my advice is like sleep with him cuz like he's probably popular which will make you like popular too. Plus he drives like a phat car.
Caller: Yeah but I'm only 15 and I don't know if I'm ready.
Britney: Pshh when I was like 15 I had seen more dick than like a urinal. You need to like get over this innocent little school girl thing and like be a woman or something.
Caller: But I'm not ready~!
Brintey: Like whatever you lesbian this isn't like the gay chat line, so you had better not call here again or like I'll call the police.
{Hangs Up Phone}
Britney: Gosh these sickos out there should like be locked up or something.
{She starts to file her nails, the phone rings}
Caller: Hi I have breast implants and I'm kinda worried that I'm going to get cancer, or something like that...
Britney: {Files nail} Uh huh...and?
Caller: Well I was just wondering if you knew anything about that sort of thing.
Britney: {Getting angry} For the last time I didn't get breast implants, these are like natural or something.
Caller: I didn't mean...
Britney: Pshh like I'm the only one who has implant, oh not that I like have them cuz I don't. My manager told me that I didn't so like yeah.
Caller: Um...
Britney: And another thing, I don't hear the guys complaining like now do I?
Caller: But what about cancer?
Britney: Listen little Mrs. Water Balloon happy, I'm sick of you bitching cuz you're like so totally jealous of me, poof be gone.
{Hangs up the Phone but it rings again}
Caller: {Has southern accent} Hello, I'm from Louisiana and I married my cousin, is that bad?
Britney: Like is your cousin cute?
Caller: Yeah he's so fine.
Britney: Mom is that you?
Caller: Um, no...
Brintey: Oh sorry like you sounded like my mom. See she married my dad who was like her cousin.
Caller: So I'm not the only one?
Britney: {Laughs} Of course not, in fact I'm like having relations with my cousin, he's a total hottie.
Caller: What about the 2 headed baby thing?
Britney: {Giggles} My mom had me and I'm perfection, like totally perfect.
Caller: Yeah but didn't you have to get breast implants or something like that?
Britney: {Angry} Who told you that?!? Lies, all lies I tell you. Like I'm 100% natural.
Caller: {Laughs} I don't believe that for a second.
Britney: {Gasps} Oooo, shut up you Deliverance bitch~!
{Hangs up the phone}
Britney: Huff, I can't believe the nerve of some people.
Britney: That's like nice, what do you want?
Caller: Hi my name is Kevin and I'm a alcoholic.
Britney: Like this isn't an AA meeting.
Caller: Hi my name is Kevin and I'm a alcoholic.
Britney: This like a help hotline, you tell me your problem and I like try and help.
Caller: Hi my name is Kevin and I'm a alcoholic.
Britney: Well, Kevin the alcoholic, like leave me along and go like have a drink or something.
{Hangs up phone but it rings again}
Caller: Hey I'm kinda suffering from an eating disorder, Bulimia, and I was wondering if I could get some help.
Britney: With what?
Caller: My eating disorder.
Britney: There's nothing wrong with you, I'm like bulimic too.
Caller: But, being bulimic isn't healthy for you.
Britney: Dear you've got it like backwards, being bulimic helps you stay nice and thin and healthy.
Caller: But it eats away at your muscles and your organs, it messes up your throat too.
Britney: That's ridiculous if it was so bad for your throat could I do this...
{ Screeches out of tune}
Caller: Yes...
Britney: Pshh like whatever, I'm totally perfect and I'm bulimic.
Caller: But didn't you have breast implants?
Britney: {Pissed} Why does everyone keep saying that?!? These are natural~!
Caller: Yeah right, natural my ass.
Britney: Like why don't you just go bake a cake, eat it, and then go throw it up Puke girl.
{Hangs up phone}
{Phone Rings}
Britney: Like hello?
Caller: {Scary voice} Hello, Britney...
Britney: Hie~!
Caller: Do you like scary movies?
Britney: Like who is this?
Caller: {Air-head voice} Like I dunno you tell me~!
Britney: Um...Justin?
Caller: Do I sound like a ghetto moron to you?
Britney: Um yes? {Giggles}
Caller: So Britney, do you like scary movies?
Britney: {Flips head from side to side} I dunno~!
Caller: Damnit bitch it's not that hard...Yes or no?
Britney: Um like what's the question again?
Caller: {Screams} Do you like scary movies~!?!
Britney: Uh...yes?
Caller: What's your favorite scary movie?
Britney: {Giggles} Driving Miss Dasiy?
Caller: What?!?
Britney: Eww that was like so scary, she was like old and stuff.
Caller: I mean like horror movies you moron.
Britney: Oh...um like I dunno~!
Caller: Your going to die bitch~!
Britney: Wait, like who is this? Nigel Dick is that you?
Caller: How can this be Nigel when he's tied up outside the studio?
{Britney runs to the studio window and looks out to see her video director Nigel Dick tied up}
Britney: Like Oh my God, he's suppose to direct my new video~!
Caller: That's right, and we're going to play a little game Britney.
Britney: Monoploy~!?!
Caller: No, a new game called Nigel Dick dies if you answer my question wrong.
Britney: {Thinks} That's like a really long name for a game...
Caller: Did you hear me? Your director dies if you don't answer my question right.
Britney: So?
Caller: {Annoyed} So, there won't be anyone to direct your next video.
Britney: {Gasps} Like Oh my God no~!
Caller: Are you ready to play?
Britney: Like okie.
Caller: First question, did you have breast implants?
Britney: Um....Uh... {Giggles} I dunno?
Caller: Wrong answer, Britney.
{Caller cuts open Nigel's neck and he dies instantly}
Britney: Oh pooh~!
Caller: Time for round two...
Britney: I don't like this game, can't we play monopoly instead?
Caller: Let's see who contestant #2 is...look out your window Britney.
{Britney looks out window and see Justin gagged and tied to a chair}
Britney: Justin~!
Caller: That's right, it's Justin and if you don't answer this next question right, he dies just like Nigel.
{Justin spits out the gag and starts to yell}
Justin: Yo don't be lettin that bitch answer shit, she be straight up stupid~!
Britney: Um...okie.
Caller: Now Britney, how did you get your record contract?
Justin: {Yells} Yo da answer be yo sucked dick...say yo sucked dick~!
Caller: {Hits Justin on the head with a bat} No help from the soon to be dead.
Justin: Shit, B dat hurt~!
Britney: But I didn't like know Nigel back then...
Caller: What's your answer Britney?
Britney: {Thinks} Like I have a good voice?
Caller: Aww sorry that's the wrong answer.
Justin: Yo bitch dat be whack~!
{Caller kills Justin the same way he killed Nigel}
Britney: Oops...
Caller: Ok Britney it's time for the Bonus round.
Britney: Um okie?
Caller: Look out the window and tell me who you see now.
Britney: {Looking out window} Like that's my mom~!
Caller: Very Good Briteny.
Britney: Like Oh my God did I get a question right?
Caller: No, but here's you chance to...Did you have breast implants.
{Britney's mom spits out the gag like Justin and yells...}
Britney's Mom: If you believe that I brand you a complete moron~!
Britney: Like did you already ask me that?
Caller: Yes, that's why we call it the bonus round.
Britney: Oh...okie um then like the answer is no?
Caller: Ooo wrong again I'm afraid, say Buh bye to mommie.
Britney's Mom: I brand you a complete and total moron~!
{Caller kills Britney's mom}
Britney: {Cries} Mommie?
Caller: Now we move to the final round, and this is for all the cookies.
{A voice can be heard in the background of the callers phone}
Voice: I want a cookie~! They're my favorite~!
Caller: {Yelling at the person} Shut up Nick, I'm on a very important phone call~!
Nick: But I want a cookie~!
Caller: Be quiet Donut Boy, or I'll kick your ass... {Turns back to the phone call} Sorry about that Britney, where was I?
Britney: I dunno?
Caller: Oh yeah this is the part where you die.
Britney: Like um okie?
Caller: Your final question is, who didn't you thank for helping out your terrible Cd by adding their snippets to it?
Britney: Uh...
Caller: Think hard about it...here's a hint you even trashed them when you did a radio interview. You said you helped them out.
Britney: Um...
Caller: 10 seconds...
Britney: Like okie...lets see...Oh I know~! It's that boy band with like 5 memebers.
Caller: Uh huh....
Britney: {Shouts} Nsync~! Like I'm so smart~!
Caller: Wrong answer Britney...
Britney: Like what?!?
Caller: The answer was Backstreet Boys.
Britney: Who?
Caller: {Screams}That's it you die~!
Britney: {Giggles}Like who is this?
Caller: {Talking to the people in the background} Let's get her boys~!
Caller: Oh my God I just did a pregnancy test and it turned out positive. I'm so scared I don't know what to do~! Please can you help me?
{Caller hands up}
Britney: Geez you like try and help and people are like sooo totally ungrateful~!
5 mins later
Caller: Hi my name is Kevin and I'm an alcoholic.
Britney: Like I swear, some people have like no common sense whatsoever.
