The Psychos we Call Fans.

The boys are just finishing up a long world tour. They have two more countries to go before they'll finally get the break they deserve. The guys climb onto their tour bus, barley escaping the death claws of some two thousand screaming girls, and ride into the darkness of night.
Kevin: {Throwing his hands up} Psychos~!
Brian: {Hiding knife} What? Who's a psycho?
Kevin: Our fans, that's who.
Brian: {Laughing nervously} Yeah...they are pretty crazy.
Kevin: Crazy doesn't even begin to describe it. They're psychotic little girls, and Lord help me I never knew there were so many of them~!
AJ: {Coming into the room} So many of who?
Kevin: You'd think they're families would get them help...
Brian: {Turning to AJ} Kevin's just going on a rant about our fans.
Kevin: I know if I had a daughter chasing around men, MEN I tell you, half her age while in the process vandalizing property, scaling walls, hiding on tour buses...

Kevin pulls open a closet door on the bus to reveal two 14 year old girls covered from head to toe in BsB gear.

AJ: {Clapping} Bravo that was a great magic trick...can you do it again?
Kevin: This isn't a trick...these two girls are BREAKING the LAW~!

The two girls scream in Kevin's ear.

1st girl: Oh my GOD~! He's so cute when he's mad~!
2nd girl: Oh I know, like how his little nose wrinkles up when he yells?!?
1st girl: Yeah totally~!
Both girls scream again and then start to giggle.
Brian: {Shaping his knife} We had better tell the driver there's two more fans who stowed away on the bus again...
Kevin: {Eyeing the girls} Great. Now we're going to have to make a stop that's going to take us off our very busy scheduel~!
2nd girl: Oh my God Kristen, did you see the way he just looked at me?!?
1st girl: Yeah Megan?
2nd girl: I think he totally likes me~!
1st girl: Oh my God, you go girl.

Megan attaches herself to Kevin's leg.

Kevin: What the hell?!?
Megan: Oh my God Kristen, I'm touching Kevin Richardson of the Backstreet Boys!!!
Kristen: No fair, I wanna touch too!
Kristen grabs on to Kevin's other leg.
Megan: Our friends are going to totally hate us when we tell them we got to touch Kevin.
Kristen: I know they're like not going to believe us!
Megan: We had better take a picture then just in case?
Kristen: Totally.

Both girls take their cameras out and flash a continuous stream of light into Kevin's eyes.

Kevin: Ahhh~! I'm blind~! Someone help me...

Just then Howie comes running into the room wearing spandex overalls and a neck scarf. His chest is glistening with sweat.

Howie: {Throwing his hand up to his throat} Oh my Kevin, did I hear you say you need mouth to mouth?
Kevin: Huh?

Before Kevin can protest Howie jumps on him, knocking the two girls off his legs.

Howie: Now Kevin you know I use to be head lifeguard at the YWCA and that I'm very familiar with CPR....
Kevin: What?!?
Howie: Now we have to tilt your head back...

Howie reaches for Kevin's head

Kevin: No, no, no...get off me~!

Kevin throws Howie off him and stands up.

AJ: {Laughing} This is better than HBO.
Brian: {Tying a noose into a rope} Hey Howie, about how much do you weight?
Howie: {Dusting off his overalls} Um about 130...why?
Brian: {Talking to himself} 130 divided by the force of gravity...carry the one...
Howie: Are you making me a Christmas present Brian?
Brian: What? Oh yes, a Christmas present...
Kevin: I'm going to tell the driver we need to make a stop.

Kevin walks out of the room leaving the two girls to snoop around the bus. They spot Brian in the kitchen talking to himself while he plays with a crossbow.

Brian: Now where did I put those poisonous arrows?
Megan: Um Kristen, he looks really busy...let's come back for his autograph later...

Brian shoots an arrow at one of the cabinets.

Kristen: {Scared} Good idea.

The girls crawl around the bus looking for the next Backstreet Boy to harass. They see a door that's ajar and they peek inside.

Megan: Who is that? And what they hell is he doing?
Kristen: Wait listen, I hear something...

The girls listen carefully as the words to the YMCA become clear as day. Just then the person jumps around and faces them...it's Howie.

Howie: {Doing his warm-up routine and singing} I said young men...
Kristen: Oh God, I think I'm going to puke...
Megan: Eww, look at his greasy chest.
Howie: Y...M...C..A~! Come on girls, let's get those legs up...
Kristen: Who's he talking to?
Megan: I dunno but let's get out of here...

The girls turn around to leave but Kristen trips over one of her BsB shoelaces and fall down, taking Megan with her. Howie hears the commotion and runs to the door.

Howie: {Flinging the door open} What are you girls doing here?

Howie puts his hands on his hips.

Kristen: {Screams} Ahhhh~! It's hideous~!
Megan: Please, sir, don't hurt us...we're too young to die~!
Howie: Hurt? Who me? I'm not going to hurt you.
Kristen: Your not?
Howie: No of course not, I mean your obviously fans of mine.
Megan: We are?
Howie: It's ok, you don't have to pretend anymore...if you weren't my fans why would you be trying to break into my room?
Kristen: I dunno?
Howie: Because you want my autograph...
Megan: Um yeah, that's it...
Howie: And my picture. Ok who wants to pose with me first?
Megan: {Pushing Kristen forward} She does.
Kristen: Oh no, I couldn't go first, afterall your my bestfriend. You go first.

Kristen pushes Megan towards Howie.

Megan: No, I insist, YOU first...

The girls start to fight pushing each other closer and closer to Howie.

Howie: Girls, girls. Stop fighting...

The girls look at Howie blankly

Howie: There's enough of Sweet D to go around {Strokes chest}

Both girls scream and take off running the other way.

Howie: What? What'd I say? Oh well, back to my Jazzercise...

The girls run into a room where they see AJ sitting on a comfy looking couch.

Megan: Oh my God Kristen, it's AJ.
Kristen: Yeah and he is so much sexier in person~!
Megan: No doubt...wait No Doubt, don't you like Gwen Stefani?
AJ: Yeah, she's sweet.
Kristen: Ya know AJ, like all my friends tell me I look just like Gwen Stefani only with brown hair, braces and glasses~!
AJ: So basically nothing like her?
Megan: No, like she totally does...hey Kristen do your impersonation.
Kristen: No, I couldn't...
Megan: Come on you totally rock when you do it~!
Kristen: No...
Megan: Come on...
Kristen: I couldn't...
Megan: Please?!?
Kristen: Ok~! You talked me into it.
AJ: Oh God...

Kristen starts to sing I'm Just a Girl.

AJ: Hey Brian...
Brian: {Cleaning a gun} Yeah?
AJ: Could you just shoot me now and not wait till later like you had planned?
Brain: Planned? I have no idea what your talking about.

AJ points to the gun.

Brian: Oh this thing? It's nothing...um, just a bebe gun.
Kristen: Yes, I'm just a girl...
AJ: In that case could you shoot her?

Kevin walks into the room followed by Nick.

Megan: {Slapping Kristen} Oh my God Kristen~!
Kristen: ...the prettiest you've ever seen...
Megan: KRISTEN~!
Kristen: What?!?
Megan: It's...it's...it's NICK~!
Kristen: {Seeing Nick for the first time} Holy cow, it's Nick~!
Megan: Oh my God I'm so excited...I think I swallowed my retainer~!
Krsiten: Oh no, not the hot pink one?!?
Megan: Yeah, but it's worth it, just look...it's Nick.

The girls sigh.

Kevin: Not you too again.
Megan: {Pushing Kevin out of the way} Nick I love your new haircut.
Kristen: Yeah, it's totally sexy~!
Nick: Um, thanks...
Kristen: Oh my God Megan show him your tattoo~!
Megan: Oh yeah I totally forgot~!
Nick: Aren't you a little young to have a tattoo?
Megan: Psh yeah right, I'm almost a woman...I'm 14 and a half.
Kristen: It's true she's older than me and all our friends.
Megan: {Snuggling up to Nick} I'm a mature woman...
Nick: {Laughing uncontrollably} Kevin, man, where did you find these two? They're hilarious.
Kevin: They were hiding in the closet next to the RAID...we need to upgrade on the pest control.
Megan: {Lifting up the sleeve of her shirt} Look Nick, it's a shark just like yours~!
Nick: Um, what happened to it's head?
Megan: Huh? Oh it's was really hot in that closet and it kinda rubbed off.
Nick: {Laughs again} It's a fake?
Megan: Duh, my mom would have a cow if I got a real one.
Kristen: Yeah but when she turns 18 she's getting a real one.
Megan: Yeah I want a little fairy just like Briteny Spears has...
Howie: {Waltzing into the room} Did I hear someone say fairy?
Nick: Eww, Howie what the hell are you wearing?
Howie: {Looking down at his spandex outfit} What's wrong with it?
Nick: You look like a Puerto Rican Richard Simmions.
Howie: Ahhh~!
Nick: Yeah, exactly...
Howie: No, it's 10:00.
Nick: And?
Howie: I'm missing Queer as Folk~!

Howie takes off running for his bedroom.

Nick: I'm hungry...what's for dinner?
Kevin: We already ate dinner, remember?
Nick: {Walking towards the kitchen} No...
Brian: {Hiding rat poisoning} Hey there little Nickey...you want a bite of my special cherry pie? I made it especially for you.
Nick: Brian what the hell is wrong with you?!?
Brian: What...what do you mean?
Nick: I can't eat that pie.
Brian: Why not? If you think there's something in it, there's not...I mean why would I put rat poisoning in this pie? {Laughs}
Nick: Huh?
Brian: Um...
Nick: Brian, you can't eat desert before you eat the main course, duh.
Brian: Oh yeah, right.
Nick: {Looking in refrigerator} Yum, pizza!
Megan: Ya know Nick we have so much in common...
Nick: {Spitting out food while he talks} We do?
Megan: Yeah, like my favorite food is pizza.
Nick: It is?
Megan: Yeah and my favorite color is green just like yours...
Nick: Actually my favorite color is red.
Megan: {Whipping out the latest issue of Bop magazine} Well, it says right here it's green.
Nick: Well, they're wrong...
Kristen: {Gasping} Teen Bop is never wrong~!
Nick: Well I think I should know my own favorite color.
Megan: {Starting to cry} But, Teen Bop said it's green....
Kristen: {Also crying} Yeah...green.
Kevin: Aww man, look what you did.
Nick: What? But I didn't do anything...all I said was that Teen Bop was wrong.

The two girls start to bawl even louder.

AJ: Damnit it Nick. Just tell them it's green so they'll shut the hell up.
Nick: But it's not.
AJ: Who gives a shit, as long as they stop crying.
Nick: {Turning to the two girl} Ok ok, it's green.
Kristen: {Wiping eyes} Really?
Nick: Yeah...I just can't get enough of it...
Megan: Oh good, I was hoping you'd say that.

Megan pulls out this huge knitted lime green sweater and shoves it in Nick's face.

Megan: I made this just for you.
Nick: {Turning up his nose} What the hell is it?
Megan: It's a sweater of course.
Nick: {Looking at the hideous thing} Oh...right....thanks.
Kristen: Well, put it on.
Nick: Huh?!?
Megan: Yeah~!
Nick: Hell no, I'm not going to be seen in that thing.

Megan's eyes start to swell with tears again.

Kevin: {Grabbing the sweater out of Nick's hands} Your going to wear this damn thing or else.

Kevin pulls the sweater over Nick's head.

Megan: Oh my God, he looks even hotter~!
Kristen: Totally~!
Nick: Man, I look life a dork.
AJ: You should have worried about that before you got that shark tattoo...
Nick: What?
AJ: Nevermind...so where are we dropping these two off at?
Kevin: It's just up the road a little further.
Kristen: What?!? Your throwing us out?
Megan: Even after I gave you the sweater Nick?
Nick: Especially since you gave me this {pokes at sweater} thing.
Kristen: But that's not fair~!
Megan: Yeah, I thought we were all getting along...
Kevin: What? You two crazies hid on our bus and now it's time for you to go home.
AJ: Yeah, don't you guys have, like, Middle school or something tomorrow?
Kevin: Do your parents even know where you two are?
Megan: No?
Kevin: My God, they're probably worried sick~!
Kristen: Chill, we called them on Megan's call phone and told them we'd be home soon...
Kevin: Cell phone?
Megan: Yeah...you want my number?!?
Kevin: What? No~!
Megan: Geez...I was just asking.
Kevin: If I were your parents I'd spank you when you finally did get home...
Kristen: You can spank me.

Both of the girls start to laugh hysterically.

Kevin: Oh just shut up.
Howie: {Coming into the room} Spank? Who's getting spanked.
Megan: {Chasing Nick} Nick is~!
Nick: Awww...make her stop you guys~! You know I can't run...
Kevin: Listen here young lady, you had better stop that.

Kristen jumps behind Kevin and smacks his ass.

Kristen: Make it bounce you wild stalion~!
Kevin: Hey, stop that.
Howie: Ohhh, this is fun~!

Howie runs over to Brian and smacks his ass.

Brian: Why you little...

Brian chases Howie with a meat clever.

Howie: Ahhhh~!
AJ: {Watching everyone} Man, this is WAY better than HBO~!
Kevin: I'm warning you, stop chasing Nick.
Nick: {Out of breath} I can't run anymore...

Nick trips on a piece of long yarn hanging off the lime green sweater and falls to the ground with a loud thud.

Megan: {Jumping on top of Nick} Ha ha~! I got you now.
Nick: Your crazy~!
Megan: {Giggles} Oh, I just love the pet names you give me hunny.
Nick: Hunny? I'm not your hunny.
Megan: {Squeezes Nick's cheeks} Of course you are, my bubble butt hunk.
Nick: Hey, did you just call me fat? Ya know when fans make fun of my weight it makes me sad...
Kristen: {Laughing} Twinkies...
Kevin: {Pushing Kristen out of the way} Listen here you, get off my meal ticket.
Megan: What?
Kevin: I won't have you man handling my free ride.
Kristen: {Confused} What are you talking about?
Kevin: What the hell do you think? All I do for the group is stand there and be an anal prick. Nick is the real talent. Without him, I'd have to get a real job.
Kristen: But you sing...
Kevin: {Laughing sarcastically} Do I?
Megan: Yeah, like in I Want it that Way.
Kevin: Please, that was really AJ, they just had me lip-sync it in the video for you dumbass fans. No, when it comes to singing it's all Nick.
Kristen: But what about Brain...he sings too.
Kevin: That's what you think...
Megan: And AJ?
Kevin: All Nick.
AJ: Damnit Kevin, what are you saying?!? You can't tell them that~!
Kevin: Oh get over it AJ...it's about time someone knew.
Megan: {Getting off of Nick} I can't believe it...
Kristen: It's a lie. If it were only Nick singing why would he stay with you guys? Why not go solo?
Kevin: {Walking over to a cabinets in the kitchen} Tell me, what do you think is in this?
Megan: Um, food?
Kevin: Ah, but what kind of food is the important question.

Kevin yanks open to the cabinets. It's filled with hundreds of boxes of donuts.

Megan: Oh my God~!
Kevin: {Walking over to another cabinets} But wait, there's more...

He opens another one and inside is filled with the same thing.

Kristen: You bribe him with donuts?!?
Kevin: Well, that and I threatened to have Barney taken off the air...
Nick: {Standing up} Barney? Where?!?
Megan: I can't believe this...my whole life has been built on a lie.
Kristen: Totally.
Megan: {Getting angry} You guys are a bunch of fakes~!
Kevin: {Talking like an airhead} Um, like totally.
Kristen: To think we actually spent our time on you fake losers...

Just then the bus comes to a stop.

Kevin: Well, I guess this is your stop huh?
Megan: Man let me off of this bus.

Megan and Kristen push their way to the front of the bus and climb off the bus.

Kristen: Like when we get home I'm totally going to have to take down my posters...
Megan: And like rip up our fake marriage licensees.
Kristen: Totally.
AJ: {Looking at Kevin} What the fuck is wrong with you?!?
Kevin: What?
AJ: You just told those girls we were fakes~!
Kevin: And?
AJ: And, it's a lie~! Psh, Nick singing all the songs?!? How dumb is that?
Kevin: Well, they left without a fight didn't they?
AJ: Yeah, but they're probably going to become Nsync fans.
Kevin: Good, let Nsync put up with the nutcases.
Nick: You guys, when is Santa going to get here?
Kevin: As soon as you find Brian...

Just then Brian, dressed as Santa, comes walking into the room carrying a big red sack filled with presents.

Brian: Ho, ho, ho merry Christmas~!
Nick: Santa, Santa~!
Brian: Well hi there little Nicky...have you been a good boy all year?
Nick: Yes, I have~! Now give me my presents.
Brian: Alright then, but firsts lets all gather around and so we can open them together.

AJ, Kevin and Nick group together as Brian hands out the gifts.

Nick: Oh boy~!

Nick unwraps his gift to discover a lead pipe.

Nick: What the?!? I can't eat this~!

He opens another one only to find a knife.

Nick: Huh? Hey, this isn't the Nintendo game I asked for.

Meanwhile Kevin opens one of his gifts...

Kevin: {Taking out the revolver that lays inside the box} Man, I can't do no serious hunting with this little thing...where's the shot gun I asked for?
AJ: {Playing with the noose that was inside his box} It's better than this. I mean when I asked for a blindfold and rope I didn't exactly mean this...
Kevin {Opening another box} A wrench? Well, the hell do I look like, Mr. Fix It?
AJ: A candlestick?!? Only one? How am I suppose to have a romantical evening with just one stick?
Brian: {Letting out an evil laugh} Ha ha ha, in your hands you hold a weapon.
AJ: Oh really? Good, I can beat the shit out the pissant who got me the one candlestick.
Nick: Man, I think I sent Santa the wrong Christmas letter....
Brian: There's been a murder one the bus...
Kevin: What?!?
Nick: Hey, you all think Howie would mind if I opened his presents?
AJ: Oh my God, where's Sweet D?
Kevin: I dunno, but I have a really bad feeling about this....

To be continued