Me.

I recently read something by a friend of mine that made me think. Not in the "hmmm... that's interesting to know." way that people usually are caused to think in. No, it made me think about me.

It made me think about my life, my personality, my existence.

Some of what I came up with bothered me, but on the whole, it helped me figure a few things out. Though I'm not completely clear on how I'm going to use this information, nor wether it will even get used as I am me and I don't usually remap very well.

One thing I think I came to terms with, is that I am everything I hate. On one level or another at least. I have always known that we tend to hate in others the traits we hate most about ourselves, but this isn't just that. I hate a great many things that I have yet to identify in myself, but have found in others.

I know I'm dependant. Though not so much codependent although that is in the mix. I am a cartoonist. Amature. In every sense of the word. But I revel in showing off, even though I'm not really very good. Anyone who knows me knows this. I cannot sit and draw or airbrush or whatever without stopping ten-thousand times to show it to someone. I am a bother. which is a trait I get annoyed at in other people.

I'm that guy who comes up in a resteraunt and asks me if I'm an illustrationist - whatever that is. I constantly have to bother everybody i know with "what's going on?" and "Who's on the phone?" and the like.

I'm never ever happy, which is fine I guess, but on some level it's not. I constantly have to make happy, even to the point that I believe it, even when nobody else does. I agree with Dennis Leary, that happiness comes in small doses it's a chocolate chip cookie et cetera. But really that isn't the point. I'm constantly in search of a moment of true, full happiness, even though the search is futile. Just one moment, that's all I ask.

It hits me in my relationships alot. Even though I'm with Wysp and we're getting married. The only real reason for it is that I know if we don't then time will go on, we'll break up and I'll end up looking back on my time with her the same way I look back at a couple of others. I don't like the idea very much.

It seems to me that the only perfect relationship with a woman - girl for those formative years- was Tina. Which is interesting because we never ever got together. And that might be why. We always planned to, but I'd end up with someone when she was free or vise-versa. Tina is the only girl I've ever wanted that I didn't get, which may have some wierd connection to why she's the one I miss most. I dunno.

I also tend to surround myself with victims. Victims in this scenario being the less fortunate dregs who get the brunt of my assaults. I know that I'm a bully, hell I'm an assault class battlemech. The thing about these victims is, that nine out of ten of them are the type that take it, who think I like them because I tear them appart. They may be right, it's a way for me to get everyone else to laugh, and on some level I need that. I'm an entertainer I guess. I love having everyone hanging on what I'll say next. I'm also an over-glorified side kick, but that I think is immaterial.

But really it's not, I guess. The one thing I hate the most I think is that I'm a leader in my own mind, and a sidekick in reality. The Grinch to the Gremlin, the P.J. to Jack, the PatJo in the warhammer to Tara's hot pink battlemaster. I'm the crass guy as it was recently pointed out. Not the smartest on the sitcom, but not the dumbest either. I'm the guy who points that out. Which may be why things are dicked up in Denver right now. There's no alpha male -or female for that matter- and the role defaults to me. Though I'd love to be, I'm not cut out for the lead role, I'm just supporting cast.

I wish that all this different but I was cast where I am and can't really change it.

I like to think I'm bright enough, I'm a fair hustler, hence the current moniker. But I'm not really much more than that. I'm pretty much two dimensional and that bugs me alot.

I'd like to buy the world a Mountain Dew, but well, I really don't like you that much. I'd like to hope that everyone could have their Tina, or whatever the name might be, but I know better.

What's a guy to do?

~Swyndle

Uploaded 8th January 2000