Kat sat at home crying. She felt alone, a feeling she was all too familiar with. The past month she hadn’t felt as lonely, but now it was all back. And she felt almost homesick. She wanted to know how her family was. ‘Maybe I made a mistake moving here’ Kat thought miserably. She pulled out her special box that she kept when moving from Delaware. She opened it and remembered it was all Backstreet Boys stuff. She pulled out her CDs, videos, T-shirts, keychains. She smiled at the memories of her good times being a silly teenager. ‘Now, I’m best friend with Howie, the guy I idolized practically.’ Kat smiled a little. She went and put in a video, and remembered how she had lusted over Howie for two years. She stopped the tape for a moment, and wrote a letter to her eldest sister. She told her she was fine, she had a job, and asked about her parents and her niece. Kat felt a little better and returned to her video. She fell asleep during it.
She had her reoccurring dream that night. She was on the beach this time, just staring into the ocean. A person comes up behind her and wrapped their arms around her. ‘It’s ok Kat’ she heard the voice for the first time. It was a voice she knew. ‘I’ll always be there for you…you’ll never be alone again’ Kat felt her deep fear of loneliness take her over in the dream. ‘Kaitlin, don’t be afraid. I’m here to protect you.’ The voice said. She knew the voice, but couldn’t put a name on it. The person continued to hug her, coming and sitting down next to her. He sat there signing in her ear. She turned to look at him but couldn’t see his face. The lips of he mystery person pushed against hers softly and she felt a sweep of passion, happiness, desire, and wholeness creep over her. She slid her lips away from his gently. She looked into the person eyes for the first time and they were familiar too. She pulled back and realized it was Howie. She finally saw the comforting figure and realized it was Howie. She looked into his eyes and saw something she'd never seen before. She suddenly woke up, realizing she was on he couch and it was light outside. She sat up and rubbed her lips softly, remembering the kiss in the dream and how real it felt. She decided to shove it to the back of her mind and got up and went to the beach for awhile. She wrote some more songs, but the kiss kept coming back to her mind. It had been perfect in her dream. She realized she had to go to work and headed to the station. She was the assistant to the music picker, which basically meant she listened to CDs and local bands and picked the new “in” group. She was sitting there listening to a CD when Howie called.
“Hey Kat” Howie said warmly at the sound of her voice.
“Hey Howie. What’s up?” Kat responded. Her dream came to the top of her head again.
“Do you want to go out with AJ and Rae tonight?” Howie asked.
“Um…..sure...ok….” Kat said but silently hoped the dream wouldn’t affect anything.
“Great, we’ll come get you at work, ok?”
“Sure” Kat sighed and put her head down. She couldn’t concentrate. All the lust she had ever felt for Howie was building up again and was meshing with the feelings of trust and friendship she had for him now. She was so confused and she couldn’t tell Howie about it. She decided she’d tell Michelle the next day if dinner with AJ and Howie didn’t make her feelings go away.
Kat barely spoke all through dinner. Howie was flirting with girls like usual and Kat found herself strangely jealous. Shed seen him with other girls before but she had never felt jealous. After dinner, Kat sat silently in Howie’s car as he drove her home.
“Why have you been so silent tonight?” Howie asked looking at her.
“What?” Kat came back from her thoughts. “I’ve been silent?”
“Yah, you have…” Howie said raising an eyebrow. “It’s weird because recently you have been chatting my ear off. Are you ok?”
“Oh, yah, I’m fine…” Kat sighed, knowing she couldn’t tell him the truth and how she felt. “I’ve just been thinking.” They pulled up to her apartment.
“Don’t think so hard.” Howie joked “You look tired.” Kat looked into his eyes. His eyes were shining as usual.
“That makes me feel real good about myself, thanks”
“You know I didn’t mean it like that….” Howie patted her hand. “Just don’t frown, that’s all. Your smile is far prettier then your frown.” She felt little butterflies exploded in her tummy when he said that. She just smiled and got out of the car. She decided she definitely had to call Michelle.
She called Michelle and she came over to Kats apartment.
“So, what did you need to talk to me about?” Michelle asked as she sat down.
“Ok, well, I have to tell someone. I trust you the most, and you’ll see why I cant tell certain people. You just have to promise you won’t tell ANYONE especially not Nick.” Kat began. Michelle nodded in agreement.
“Ok, lets get started.” Kat sighed and tried to pull her thoughts together. “Ok, well, 1st, you know how I kinda recently moved her……Well, before I came here, I was a huge Backstreet Boys fan...like a screaming teenybopper. And Howie was always my favorite. Then I came here, and met the guys. At first I was really nervous, because I still like the group. But at first I was like all dreamy over Howie, I couldn’t believe I was talking to him. Then I started going out with Jose, and I thought about things. I like Howie, but Jose was a real guy, not a fantasy. I tried to choose either pursuing Howie, or going the safe route with a guy I knew liked me, Jose. I chose Jose, mainly because I guess I couldn’t face the reality. Like, when you’re a fan, you live in a complete dreamworld. The girls that love the guys have fallen for the image. The Boys were there when we needed something. Like, with me, I’m not sure why I started liking them, but I know I did, and it helped me change, I know its weird. My personality changed, it probably had nothing to do with them, or the music, but since they were a big part of my life them, and I associate them with change. But for most girls, girls get lonely. We think no one likes us, we don’t fit in, and we’ll never be pretty enough. But these hot guys come and sing to us and tell us were special and we feel pretty and we feel special and loved and wanted. We think guys really care about love, not just getting some booty. But then you get older and you realize it’s a pure dream, a piece of fiction. To meet someone you have in our dreams is weird, because they sometimes never meet your expectations. Dreams and reality don’t collide. I met Howie and he was exactly like I thought he’d be. It was hard to deal with that. To realize a guy could be nice. But then I picked Jose, and I made the wrong choice I think. Now, I’m like best friends with Howie and I love him like a friend, but recently I've been wanting more. I mean, I got jealous he was talking to another girl! And I’ve been thinking about his lips, and the way he dances, his hips moving, and I want to throw my self at him……… He’s been there for me throughout this whole Jose thing, and he knows all of my secrets. He knows everything about me, and that scares me… He was there for me for a long time and just recently I've been seeing him this way. He’s sweet, considerate, he listens to me, he’s there to comfort me, and he's majorly hot. I think I might be falling for him……” Kat stopped, realizing she was crying. Michelle sat there looking at her.
“That’s a lot to take in…” Michelle said slowly. “All I know is that the best relationships begin in friendship……but if Howie doesn't feel the same, you could ruin the friendship.”
“I know” Kat remarked sadly. She felt sick, and like shed been blind to this feeling since day one.
“All I know is that I feel like an idiot. He’s my best friend, even if he doesn’t know it. Could something ever really happen?” Kat started crying again and Michelle put her arm around her.
