“Dude, I know what I read” AJ said into his car phone.
“Are you sure it’s about Howie though?” Kevin said gruffly. He hated being bothered by Ajs delusions.
“Ok, it said that he was there to protect her from pain…..D is there for her 24/7. Then it was like should I risk the friendship. They’re best friends!” AJ practically hollered into the phone.
“What were you reading again?”
“Um, I think a songbook or something…….”
“Did she show you it?”
“Well, no,”
“Great invade her privacy. Listen, you know that we all want them together, and you know how big D’s heart is. I think he really loves her and if this is about someone else and you tell him it’s about him, he’ll be crushed. When he gets his heartbroken he’s a mess. I think we should stay out of this.”
“But Kev”
“No, if it’s meant to be, it’ll happen by itself. Stay out of it Bone” AJ huffed as he clicked off the phone.
The next day, the guys were all getting ready to leave. They were flying overseas first and then would be doing a round of the states. Rae, Michelle, and various other friends were there to see them off. The boyfriend/girlfriend pairs were all having mushy kissy good-byes. Kat settled for a hug from them all, although she felt like crying. She'd have no one to talk to for practically a year. She also felt like kissing Howie and telling him she loved him, but decided it wouldn’t be right.
“Ok, well” Kat said staring at the ground.
“You aren’t very good at good-byes.” Howie laughed.
“I know…..I have very little close friends and now my only close friend is leaving.” Kat muttered.
“I’m not leaving you” Howie laughed. “I’ll call whenever I can and well talk ok?” Kat shook her head yes.
“Oh, God, sometimes I wonder if we aren’t an old married couple instead of best friends” Howie laughed. Kat bit her tongue from saying anything and just smiled at him.
“Ok, well, don’t break to many girls hearts..”
“Me? Would I do that?” Howie asked laughing.
“Yeah, you…..I know you. You take off your shirt and the girls cream their pants. You forget I used to be a fan.” Kat smiled. Howie laughed.
“I forgot you were a fan…..You never told me who your favorite was.” Howie said looking at her with his brown eyes probing.
“You were.” Kat said, a little too seriously she realized. She blushed a little after saying it.
“Sure I was” Howie laughed. “But I promise to be nice to the girls”
“Good” She hugged him again and watched with the other girls as the guys and their entire entourage boarded two planes.
“Well, girls, now that they’re gone, we should have a day of gossip.” Rae announced smiling at Kat. Both Rae and Donna, Brian’s girlfriend, were smiling, but Michelle was in tears.
“Stop crying Michelle” Rae said rolling her eyes. “We need to forget about those bums!” The girls finally dried up Michelle’s tears and they went out and talked.
Over the next few months Kat spent more time with Rae and the other guys girlfriends. Hype Williams had called her and had asked her if she was interested in being in a movie he was going to shoot in a few months. He had really liked her in the video and thought she'd be perfect for the role. Kat agreed overjoyed. She had always wanted to act and was really siked about being in a movie. She had also gotten a letter back from her sister, saying everyone was ok and they were worried about her. She also mentioned about how she’d seen Kat in a Backstreet Boys video, and wanted a confirmation. Everyone back home was talking about it, her sister said. He mom also wanted a phone call, but Kat couldn’t face speaking to her. She’d cut her hair and died it purple. Jose had always loved her hair long, and she couldn’t keep it like that. She was over him, angry and upset she hadn’t fought back. But she was faced with loneliness again. Even when Tia had been around, shed always felt lonely, an empty void inside of her. Being with Howie made the void less, but risking her friendship didn’t seem possible if Howie didn’t feel the same way. She put her heart and soul into her writing though. Howie called every three days. He ran up his phone bill for sure because they talked for hours. They talked about the tour mostly and the stress Howie was under. Kat did very little talking, which she was kind of happy for because she was afraid she would say something. When the tour moved to the states, the guys invited their friends for two week visits. Rae and Kat decided to go together, in July, in CA. They packed a week before Kats 19th birthday. She hadn’t told anyone about her birthday, but was glad she'd spend it with Howie.
“Have you ever been to CA?” Rae asked as they sat in their plane seats.
“No, and I’m so excited!” Kat beamed.
“I’m siked too….I cant wait to see AJ, to jump on him and bang the hell out of him” Rae got a little too excited at the thought. Kat just gave her a ‘you’re too silly sometimes’ look.
“Oh, girl! Gimme a break!” Rae rolled her eyes. “You can’t tell me you haven’t wanted to just ride Howie? C’mon, you can tell me.”
“I’m not going to say anything.” Kat smiled.
“Ok, whatever, I’ll know the truth.” Rae said pushing Kats arm. Kat laughed and tried to not look too wicked.
“I’m so happy! Seeing everyone after all these months is going to be great!” Rae sighed. “It’s hard to be away from your friends that long.” Kat smiled and nodded. She knew the feeling.
“Have you told them about your big movie star gig?” Rae asked. She was the only one Kat had told.
“Nope, I wanted to tell them in person.” Kat smiled. She was really excited about the movie.
“Have they heard about this?” Rae asked ruffling Kats short shag purple hair.
“No….” Kat smiled and patted her hair. “Do you think they’ll flip?”
“AJ will fucking love it!” Rae exclaimed.
‘I just hope Howie likes it’ Kat thought to herself.
“Well, AJ said we could go to the concert tonight and meet them backstage. I say we trade seats with some girls in the back so they guys don’t spot us.” Rae said smiling. She loved surprises and all mischief in general.
“Sounds cool, the girls we pick will flip” Kat smiled. Rae brought out her mischievous side.
“So, Rae and Kat are coming today…” Kevin remarked to the guys as they sat in their bus.
“Yeah” Howie said looking down.
“Are you excited?” Nick asked being a normal person for a moment.
“I’m siked as all hell!” AJ exclaimed. “With all my temptations around here, it’s hard and I can’t wait to see Rae.”
“I dunno, I mean Howie resists and he doesn’t even go out with Kat” Brian laughed. Howie scowled.
“Stop picking on him” Kevin patted his back. “I’m glad Kats coming, she’s all of our friends.”
“Right. Same old same old. Just a friend seeing what we do for a living.” Howie sighed.
“Well, I’m positive the guys will never see us up here” Kat said. They had found two girls and traded tickets with them. Now they were sitting nosebleed, being the oldest girls there except for parents.
“No way they will….I’m going to act crazy, you in?” Rae asked.
“Yeah, I’m definitely in!” Kat said happily. They spent the entire concert dancing and getting stares. Rae screamed her head off, mostly for AJ. Kat didn’t scream much, she just reminisced about how fun her old day concerts had been. The concert ended and the girls began to push their way to the backstage area. They finally got there, flashed their badges and entered. The backstage area was suprisingly as filled with people. Many teenage girls were back there, looking very nervous. The girls found a door that said Backstreet Boys on it.
“Do you think this is it?” Rae asked excitedly, trying to smooth her hair.
“You’re acting like a teenager!” Kat laughed.
“I feel like one……I’m so siked about seeing AJ.” Rae breathed.
“Open the door before we both have hernias” Kat giggled. She felt silly, like a 12-year old about to meet them for the first time. Rae opened the door slowly. Brian Nick and AJ were all watching TV and Kevin and Howie were talking in the corner. AJ looked up when the door opened and when he saw Rae he bolted up and threw himself onto her. She jumped on him and wrapped her legs around him kissing him.
“Kat!!!” Kevin got up and hugged her. “You’re here!!!!!”
Nick and Brian both came hugged her, and exclaimed over her hair. Howie walked over to Kat slowly, smiling broadly and hugged her tightly.
“What did you do to your hair?” Howie said brushing his hand through her hair.
“It looks awesome!” AJ said peeking out from behind Rae.
“It’s so short!” Howie exclaimed
“And so purple” Kevin added.
“Yah, things have changed and I decided a change would be good.” Kat smiled. She decided she'd tell Howie about her getting over Jose later.
“Tell them your super news Kat” Rae said never detaching herself from AJ.
“I was going to tell them later!” Kat hissed at Rae. Rae giggled.
“Tell us what?” Brian said looking up from the TV again.
“Well, it’s not that exciting. Hype Williams called me a few months ago and he wants me in his new movie.” Kat said slowly
“What? Omigod! Kat , that is awesome!!!!” Howie exclaimed hugging her again. “That is such a big deal! Do you have a big part?”
“I guess, I’m the lead female role. But the movie isn’t that big of a deal. It’s going to have Omar Epps in it.”
“Congratulations Kat! I always knew you were special” Kevin came and hugged her too. Kevin was starting to be like an older brother to her and she really appreciated it.
“I think we need to celebrate!” AJ said and Rae agreed. They decided they’d go downtown to a club. Rae and Kat left before the guys, trying to part the girl sea. They went to the hotel first. Rae and Kat were supposed to be sharing a room, but Rae went and stayed with AJ. Kat was content with her own room though. She put on a different outfit and they went to the club. The guys all found girls, except for Howie who stayed with Kat. But she was ignored most of the night because girls were swarming to Howie. For most of the two weeks it was like that, Rae and Kat would sight-see while the guys did publicity and then Kat would tag along with Howie. Four days before she was to leave, she opted to stay at the hotel instead of going to a concert. She watched TV most of the night but at about midnight, she pulled out her songbook and started writing. She started to cry, the first time in a month. She heard a knock on her door after awhile, and she went to open it wiping away the tears. Kevin stood there.
“What’s wrong Kat? Are you crying?” Kevin asked concerned. Kat kind of shook her head, not wanting him to see her crying anymore. He hugged her and followed her into her room.
“Come on, tell me what’s wrong” Kevin said passing her a tissue.
“I don't know what came over me. I was sitting here writing and I just started crying.”
“Its ok. Are those songs you’re writing?”
“Yeah, but they’re horrible.”
“Can I read them? Or are they too personal”
“I guess you can read them. Just promise you won’t laugh.” Kevin took the book and started flipping through it. Most of the songs were about love.
“Some of these are really good. I would love to sing them.” Kevin remarked. He came to the song named “Risk” which AJ had told him about. He got the impression it was about Howie too. Kat cried harder and hugged him.
“I’m so sorry Kev..” she muttered into his chest. “I’m feeling really lonely right now.”
“But you’re with your friends!"
“I know, but I’m still alone and scared. I feel so unloved, unliked. Everyone sees me but looks right through me. I don’t measure up to anyone’s credentials. No one has ever or will ever truly love me” Kat sobbed.
“Kat you don’t know how very wrong you are. I know someone who truly loves you.”
“Well, tell them their wasting their time, because I’m unlovable.”
“No, he loves you more then anything. You know who I’m talking about. You know he loves you and I hope you love him too, because his heart is filled with love for you. If he was rejected he’d break, but I’m positive you love him too. You know you do. I see the way you two are around each other.” Kevin paused and looked into her eyes. “Kat, just look into your heart. He’s there, and you know he feels the same way.”
“What if he doesn’t, and I ruin the friendship”
“Kat, he does. He’s liked you since the first day, and then it grew into love. I’m gonna tell you something. AJ read your songbook, a certain song. He knew it was about Howie. I wouldn’t let him tell him. I wasn’t even sure if AJ was right, but I just read it and the others. I see both sides of the pain. You guys ache for each other, in your eyes. I’ve seen it in Howie’s eyes, and I see it in your writing, but your eyes hide it. You’re good at hiding it. Tell him you love him. Love will be better this time around, because Howie’s a great guy, and I think you two were meant for each other.” Kat sat there sadness making her eyes duller then usual.
“Go talk to him..”
“I cant”
“Just go” Kevin pushed her up. She thanked Kevin with her eyes and walked out. She took the elevator up, her heart pounding. She knocked on Howie’s door and waited. Howie came to the door and an instant look of worry crept over his handsome features.
“What’s wrong Kat?” he asked reaching out to her. She shook off his outstretched arms and walked into his room.
“I have a question to ask you” Kat starting tearing up again.
“Ok”
“If I need you, you come help me, right?”
“Anytime”
“Ok. Well Kevin came to talk to me. He read one of my songs. He then told me he knew who they were about. I started telling him about how no one loved me….” Kat stopped, the sobs interrupting her speech. “He said he knew someone who loved me……” Howie saw all the pain in her eyes, the question being asked through her eyes. He stood up and slowly walked towards her. He softly touched her cheek and wiped away a tear with his thumb. He slowly leaned over and kissed her softly. The moment his lips brushed hers, Kat felt pain ease off of her. Everything seemed to be answered. He let his lips slowly drift away from hers and looked into her eyes again. He hugged her tightly.
“I’ve wanted to tell you for so long” Howie murmured.
“Why didn’t you?”
“I don’t know. I didn’t want you to think I was trying and take advantage of you.” Kat laughed a little.
“Id never think that about you.”
They stood there hugging for a few minutes, neither of them having words to describe what was happening.
“What’s going on? Where do we go from here? I’m so confused” Kat confessed.
“I don’t know. All I know is that you are my best friend but I guess I want more then that. I can’t lose your friendship.”
“I feel the same way. I was so worried this is gonna change everything."
“It will change everything. But we just need to communicate.”
“I can do that. If it’s what you want.”
“You know what, I’m not sure about anything but my feelings for you.” Howie said softly. She looked into his brown eyes and saw something she hadn’t noticed before. A light a turned on his eyes so they shone even brighter then before.
“I love you Kaitlin” Howie said softly, running his hand through her hair.
“I love you too Howie” She said back. She was surprised that she said it. Everything seemed to be moving fast. She felt like she was dreaming, and she prayed she wouldn’t wake up. She slowly detached herself from him. She stood and looked in his eyes.
“I should go. I need to think” she finally said.
"Are you sure?"
"Yah, I should sleep,because if I fall asleep, I know this isn't a dream."
“Ok,then, I guess I’ll see you tomorrow.” He kissed her again even softer then before.
She went to her room and thought, about how things were going to change. She felt whole, completely different. She didn’t feel alone. She could still feel his hot breath on her lips. She slipped into a peaceful sleep.
“So she finally knows.” Kevin remarked. He had come to see Howie, hoping they had worked it out.
“Yeah, I mean I feel at total peace. Its like I’m whole. I’m hoping she doesn’t think we made a mistake, because I’m worried about a few things too” Howie said softly. Kat telling him she loved him had been the best moment in his life. All of his worries and insecurities and anger and sadness disappeared. When they kissed, it felt like his eyes were opening for the first time.
“When I kissed her, it was like, wow, this is actually happening” Howie said
“You guys are gonna be fine. I’m glad you’re finally together. We all knew you were meant for each other. The suspense was killing us all.” Kevin laughed.
“That kiss changes everything though. Everything has changed.” Howie sighed
“I know, but change is good. And you better take care of her. We all think of her as a sister.” Kevin laughed.
“ I’m definitely going to take care of her. She means so much to me” Howie said smiling.
Kevin smiled got up and left, leaving Howie alone with his thoughts.
)
