Common Ground
“Sometimes I think that when I die, people will stand over my open grave and argue whether I ever had the right to live.”
--Amos
Lesbian caterer: (taking trays of food from a van and handing them to a friend) Just doing what lesbians do best.
Friend: Cooking?
Lesbian caterer: Hauling heavy shit in a van.
The Closet
“I’ve got nothing against gays…damn that faggot!”
–the company president
“I tried to start a team here but the depressives are too weepy. Crying in a scrum—you can’t see the ball.”
–Felix, on why the mental hospital rugby team didn’t work out
Election
“It’s not like I’m a lesbian or anything. I’m attracted to the person. It’s just that all the people I’ve been attracted to happen to be girls.”
–Tammy
“You’re going to Immaculate Heart. That’s where you belong. Maybe the nuns will be able to straighten you out....Is that funny? You think that’s funny?”
–Tammy’s father, unaware of the meaning that the word ‘straight’ has for his daughter
Get Real
“I’ll tell you what else he is. He’s my son and I’m very proud of him. And if you do anything to hurt him…I’ll have your bullocks for earrings.”
–Steve’s mom, overhearing him being called names
Linda: Steve, you did it in the woods?! You could have been—
Steve: What, queer-bashed by squirrels?
John: (hugging Steve)You need a shave.
Steve: I shaved last month.
Linda: Ooh, John Dixon. He is sex on legs.
Steve: I know. Every time I see his Head Boy badge I wish it was an invitation.
John: Fag?
Steve: (Alarmed) Sorry?
(John holds out a pack of cigarettes.)
Steve: Oh.
John: What time are your parents due back?
Steve: Oh, they’re back! They’re down here with me!
John: (struggling into his clothes) Shit! Shit!
Steve: Mum says if you make an honest man of me she’ll help you pick out the curtains!
John: (realizing it’s a joke)You wanker!
Mark: So you’re on the school magazine this term?
Wendy: I am the school magazine. No one else can be fucked.
Mark: I can be fucked! I mean, I’d like to help.
Gia
TJ: Have you ever had sex with a man?
Gia: Yeah. Once.
TJ: And?
Gia: And, I could have done that with German shepherd.
Go Fish
“I think I’ll throw a dinner party...and you’re invited...and I’ll invite a whole bunch of other hot babes...and it’ll turn into a massive orgy, it’ll be fabulous!”
–Daria
Max: Daria’s a ho.
Kia: Hey, you leave Daria alone. What would you rather out collective lesbian image be, hot passionate say-yes-to-sex dykes, or touchy-feely soft-focus sisters of the woodlands?
Kia: Come up with a more endearing term and I’ll gladly put ‘honeypot’ on the shelf.
Evie: So if you want endearing, ‘vagina’ is out.
Kia: Yes nurse.
Some further suggestions include ‘lovemound,’ ‘girlpatch,’ ‘cunt’ (“way too harsh”), ‘bearded clam’ (“too high-school locker room”), and ‘beaver’ (“familiar, friendly, something you could almost say to Mom.”)
Kia: Isn’t ‘honeypot’ sounding better and better? It’s sexy without being vulgar, and appealing without being cutesy.
Happy Texas
“Its such a fine line between stalking and being attentive.”
–Harry
“I’m scared to death that Jensea is gonna drop her baton and fry like one of them Buddhist monks.”
–Wayne, worrying about a flaming baton routine
I’m the One That I Want
“So I had sex with this woman on the ship and I went through this whole thing, ‘Am I gay? Am I straight?’ And then I realized—I’m just slutty! Where’s my parade? What about Slut Pride?”
--Margaret Cho
Jeffrey
“Can I do this? Or does it make me look like some sort of gay superhero?”
–Sterling, draping a sweater over his shoulders
Jeffrey: You’re not wholesome! You’re a decorator—excuse me, interior designer—and you’re a dancer. You two are like Martha Stewart and Ann Miller! Which, believe me, I prefer. I hate that gay role models are supposed to be just like straight people. As if straight people were even like that.
Sterling: That’s true. I was watching these two guys on Nightline, on Gay Pride Day. And one of them said, “I’m Bob Wheeler and I’m a surgeon. And my lover is an attorney. And we’d like to show America that all gays aren’t limp-wristed, screaming queens. There are gay truck drivers and gay cops and gay lumberjacks.” And I just thought, oooh—get her!
Darius: Who’s Martha Stewart?
Sterling: She writes picture books about gracious living. Martha says that nothing else matters if you can make a nice dry floral arrangement. I worship her.
Darius: And...who’s Ann Miller?
Sterling: (shocked) Leave this house!
“Maybe you didn’t hear me. I am a Cath-o-lic priest. Historically, that falls somewhere between chorus boy and florist.”
–Father Dan
“Of course life sucks, it always will—so why no make the most of it? How dare you not lunge for any shred of happiness?”
--Father Dan
Jeffrey: Oh my God. I am so disgusting. Do you know what I’m doing? I’m cruising a memorial.
Sterling: Oh please—everybody is. It’s not that we’re not sad, it’s just…there are all these guys here.
“We’re here, we’re queer...and we’re on TV!”
--Darius, in front of a TV camera on Gay Pride Day
Love! Valour! Compassion!
“You, the love child of Judy Garland and Liberace.”
–Perry, referring to Buzz
“I’m back in the sixth grade, Coach Martin’s gym class, nobody wants me on their side! It’s the exact moment I became a raving homosexual.”
–Buzz, when no one wants to play volleyball with him
“You know what we used to call them, back in Catholic boys school? ‘Nocturnal emissions.’ It always made me thing of Chopin—Nocturnal Emissions in C sharp minor.”
--Arthur
Buzz: How are you feeling really?
James: “We defy augury!”
Buzz: What does that mean?
James: Shakespeare. Means…don’t fuck with me.
James: How long have you two been together?
Perry: Fourteen years. Today. We’re role models. It’s very stressful.
Buzz: Is there a British equivalent for machismo?
James: No, none at all.
James: I must say, for a young country, you’ve turned out almost as many poofters in two and half centuries as we have in twenty.
Buzz: Thank you, we try.
“I know. I’m butch. I can catch a ball....I genuinely like both my parents...I hate opera....I don’t know why I bother being gay.”
--Arthur
The Monkeys Mask
“In love, I’ve got no style. My heart is decked out in bright pink track suit pants.”
--Jill
My Beautiful Laundrette
Salim: I want to talk to Omar. About business.
Johnny: Don’t know where he is.
Salim: Is it worth waiting?
Johnny: (with a sly expression) In my experience, it’s always worth waiting for Omo.
Nasser walks in on Johnny and Omar, who have been getting it on and are only half-dressed.
Nasser: What the hell are you doing? Sunbathing?
Omar: Asleep, Uncle. We—were shagged out.
Nico and Dani
Coming soon
Paris Is Burning
“If everybody went to balls and did less drugs, it would be a fun world, wouldn’t it?”
-Dorian Corey
Parting Glances
“Gay men are jerks, straight men are jerks, straight women are jerks....that leaves lesbians, who are off in their ivory tower somewhere laughing at the rest of us.”
–Nick
Philadelphia
Andy: He’s upset, he’s sorry.
Miguel: No, don’t apologize for me!
Andy: Oookay, he’s not sorry.
Prick Up Your Ears
Kenneth: Writing, John, is one tenth inspiration, nine tenths—
Joe: —masturbation!
“I always wanted to be an orphan. I coulda been if it hadn’t been for my parents.”
–Joe
Reality Bites
Coming soon
The Sex Monster
Husband: She’s tied up with my Hugo Boss ties?
Wife: She picked the ties.
Husband: Oh, she has taste, that’s good to know!
The Sum of Us
“Ashamed of Jeff? Never. Disappointed? Yeah, disappointed that he’ll never give me a grandchild, disappointed that I honestly believe he’ll be missing out on something wonderful—what I had with his mum…but if he’s never going to have that, then I want him to have all the things he can have. Our children are only the sum of us, what we add up to, us and our parents, grandparents, theirs, all generations.”
–Harry
“Sorry I gave you such a hard time before. I thought you were one of them missionaries. We get a lot of them around here. When it’s blokes like the Mormons I just open the door and tell ‘em I’m a poofter and watch them blush.”
—Jeff
Tales of the City
“If you’re going to be degenerate, you might as well be a lady about it.”
–Mrs. Madrigal
“This isn’t crying. This is…damply pensive.”
–Michael
D’orothea: You’re brooding about something.
Mona: I’m not brooding. I’m always like this.
“Sometimes, I don’t know if I need a lover, male or female. Sometimes, I think I would settle for five good friends.”
–Mona
“You and me are going to be 50-year-old libertines in a world that is just full of 20-year-old Calvinists.”
–Brian, to Michael
“It’s me. In the firm but pliant flesh.”
–Mona
Edgar: What, no waterbed?
Anna: In for repairs. I had a gentleman caller last night and we nearly drowned the cat.
Edgar: What cat?
Anna: You’re supposed to ask, ‘what gentleman caller,’ goddammit!
Edgar:Okay. What gentleman caller?
Anna: I’ve forgotten, there’s been so many!
Binky: I’ve got a divine abortion man in case you need one.
DeDe: Really! A divine abortion man, for heavens sakes! Does he cater parties too?
More Tales of the City
Betty: You expect me to trust you?
Mrs. Madrigal: Oh yes. I was a weasel of a man, Betty, but I’m one helluva nice woman.
Further Tales of the City
Discussing a poison….
Michael: What’s in it?
Mrs. Madrigal: Ssh, never mind, it’s organic.
“She told me about the cop, and the cowboy, and the construction worker….you’re not having a life, Michael. You’re just fucking the Village People.”
–Jon
Torch Song Triolgy
“I know you’ll find this hard to comprehend, but I want more out of life than finding a pretty face and sitting down on it.”
–Arnold
Alan: Just remember that computers are the opposite of people. With computers, the software goes in the hardware, and with people—
Arnold: My my, all this good food has done me in. What say we hit the hay?
“You know, there are easier things in this life than being a drag queen. But I ain’t got no choice. See...try as I may...I just can’t walk in flats.”
–Arnold
Trick
“I used to think I didn’t like gay people. I mean, I never really felt like one of them....culturally.”
-Gabriel
Blank and Blank pretending that they are in a dominant/submissive relationship…
Mark: Did I say you could talk?
Gabriel: No.
Mark: No what?
Gabriel: No...thank you?
Mark: No sir!
Gabriel: No sir.
Urbania
Brett: Where’d you meet him?
Charlie: If I tell you that you’re going to think I’m this cheap thing.
Brett: No I won’t, I swear.
Charlie: On the street.
Brett: You whore!
“You know what really makes me pissy? Grunge, heroin chic, and dying are over. I so hate being behind the curve!”
–Brett
“I’m not going to a therapist who survived Auschwitz, okay? I felt so guilty talking about my problems.”
-Charlie
Victor/Victoria
Victoria: King Marshan is an arrogant, opinionated, chauvinistic pain in the ass.
Toddy: I think I could fall in love with him.
Victoria: I think I could too.
Norma: You know what I think? I think the right woman could reform you!
Toddy: And you know, I think the right woman could reform you, too!
Sal: (realizing that King is “gay”) Jesus, King! A guy like you? We grew up together!
King: Yeah, that probably had something to do with it.
Victoria: I guess the problem is we’re not really two guys.
Mr. Bernstein: (wryly) Yeah, I guess that is the problem.
Wonder Boys
Coming soon