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IMPORTANT: If the author is known of any of these poems or articles listed as "author unknown", please advise us so we can give the author the proper credit. It would mean a great deal to these authors ... and to us. The FB STAFF
This is a "personal quote" that is in an
AOL Profile sent in by a FB visitor
Cost for talking online $21.95 per month
Cost for establishing phone contact $200+ per month
Cost of beginning a relationship with said person $500+ a month
Cost of discovering that said person is a neurotic
schizo before it's too late ... PRICELESS
Mr. Right Rejection Form Letter
~ author unknown ~
Dear
____________________ ,
[rejectee's
name here]
I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further consideration as my Mr. Right. As you are probably aware, the competition was fierce and dozens of supposedly well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut.
So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition:
[Check all those that apply]
___ Your screen name is objectionable. I can't imagine talking to my friends and family about falling in love with someone called SpankBoy.
___ Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms by the truckload" indicates that you may be interested in me for something other than my sparkling personality.
___ Your offer to take me to dinner at McDonald's or buy me coffee at Starbucks reveals a thriftiness that I find unappealing.
___ You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me one.
___ Your ability to belch the alphabet is not a trait that I am seeking in a long term partner.
___ Your "Putting on a few, aren't you?" comment to the picture I sent you, given the 9-months pregnant size of your beer gut in your own picture, was inappropriate.
___ You failed the credibility check.
___ The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an inherent slovenliness or long record of unemployment that I fear is unbreakable.
___ The phrase "My Mother" has popped up far too often in conversation.
___ You still live with your parents and are attending night classes to get your High School diploma! are slight negatives.
___ You mention your ex-wife's name more than you mention mine.
___ Your constantly being online hours at a time, day and night, tells me you are either unemployed, living on welfare, living off your parents, or not the 45 years of age you say and are living on social security!
___ Three final words.... Integrity does matter.
Therefore, make like a Bee .... BUZZ OFF!
_______________________
[Your name here]
~ author unknown ~
Dear God,
Yesterday was an awful day for me......
My husband ran off with his secretary,
My son pierced his eyebrow,
My daughter tattooed the bald spot on her head,
My dog mated with the neighbor's cat,
My neighbor sold her house to a mental institution,
My Mom told me I was adopted,
My Dad told me he's gay,
My boss told me I was laid off,
My sister was arrested for prostitutuion,
My house has termites,
My car was stolen,
All that came in the mail was bills,
A plane crash-landed on my garage,
OJ Simpson came to my door selling rug cleaner,
And my TV blew.
Lord, please be with me today. I was able to live
through all that misery yesterday.
And I will be able to make it through anything today!!
But please....
DON'T
LET ANYTHING HAPPEN TO MY COMPUTER!!!!!
Ode To Horny AOL Men
-- author unknown --
There are so many men that sign on AOL,
they enter the chatrooms and say I'm horny as hell.
Are they really that stupid and f***ed in the head,
do they think we want cyber and not a real date instead?
They try to impress us by saying they're buff,
when in fact half of them blow their nose on their cuff.
They try to convince us they are thoughtful and sweet,
but we know when they chat with us they're beating their meat.
They tell us they're gorgeous, loving and kind,
when the truth is that most of them are out of their mind.
They tell us that they would make a really good catch,
the gals that they dated are what's making them scratch.
They send us their pictures of how cute they are,
when you meet them they look like they been hit by a car.
They say they run businesses or some hot resort,
but most of them can't even pay child support.
So listen up, ladies. If they sound to good to be true,
it probably is and they just want to cyber screw.
CYBER WOLVES
©DB Fetters 1999
HE GETS ONTO THE INTERNET
TREDS VERY SLOW AND WARY,
HE CYBER HUGS AND KISSES GIRLS,
HE'S REALLY VERY SCARY.
CYBER WOLVES ARE ALL AROUND
IN E-MAILS AND IN CHATS,
THE MARRIED ONES WILL TELL YOU LIES
THEY ARE THE CYBER RATS.
SOME OF THEM LIVE FAR AWAY
IN CASTLES THEY CALL HOME
BUT WHEN YOU FINALLY MEET THEM
CASTLES ARE MADE OF 'CYBER FOAM'.
HIS EXPENSIVE FANCY CAR IS A FIRE TRAP
TIED UP WITH STRING, JUST A PILE OF SCRAP
HIS BODY THAT WAS SO SVELT AND FIT
YOU LATER FOUND HAD SWELLED A BIT
HIS HAIR HE SAID WAS AS YOU FEARED
HE LIED TO YOU -- IT DISAPPEARED!
HIS POCKET WHICH HE SAID WAS FLUSH
IS EMPTY NOW; YOUR HEART HE'LL CRUSH
THE DREAMS YOU DREAMED WENT UP IN SMOKE
BY LISTENING TO THIS CYBER BLOKE
THE CYBER WOLF, ALIVE AND WELL
CAN MAKE YOUR LIFE A LIVING HELL.
LISTEN TO ALL HE HAS TO SAY
THEN GRAB YOUR HEART
AND RUN AWAY!
The Metro Times in the Detroit, MI area runs a competition for the best Personal Ad and gives a $15 gift certificate to a local music store as the prize. This is one of the winning ads:
I am black and a woman. With children being slaughtered around the world, what difference does it matter how big my breasts are, how long my legs are, or how much money you or I make? To hell with long walks, holding hands, candle-lit dinners, and all of that other crap that people never continue doing after the first date anyway; that didn't even take place in Cinderella!!! (I've seen the movie).
If there is a man out there who: isn't a crackhead or crack dealer, isn't an alcoholic, doesn't have any illegitimate kids, doesn't smoke, doesn't beat women, isn't wearing women's underwear as you're reading this ad, isn't a liar, isn't looking for fun behind his wife's back, isn't into being hit, peed on, or tied up while having sex, doesn't want to hit, pee on or tie me up while having sex, likes having sex, CAN have sex, is not in jail, on probation, has a court date pending, isn't a misogynist, racist, classist, elitist, lawyer, politician, bible thumper, or a pompous a## -- Call me!!
What you have to be is HONEST, HONEST, HONEST!!! If you're out there, if you exist, call me. Please don't make me give up on men.
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