HOW TO BE AN AOL BABE
~ author unknown ~

SECTION 1: Getting Started:
1. Pick a screen name that will show the world that you are obviously hot, sexy and on the prowl. Keywords to remember here are: Hot, Sexy, Wild, Sinful, Wet, Babe ... always end the screenname with 4u. Example: HotBabe4u    If that is taken you can also add a "2c" ... such as HotBabe4u2c (Note: only add the 2c if you have a good set of fake pictures ready)

2. Make a suitable profile:
NAME: Use a cute member name that ends in "i" , like Suzi, Bambi, Kandi ... or something really cutsey like Kissi.

LOCATION: Pick a location that is so far away no one would want to meet, like say, Greenland or Fiji -- or at least a small unpopulated town in the middle of the Mojave desert.

MARITAL STATUS: Single (of course)
(Note: If you're married and don't want your spouse seeing the single part, put in something vague and cute like "Are you asking?" and follow it with 'giggle'.

HOBBIES & INTERESTS: Use any sexual references that come to mind. Example: "Teasing and Pleasing", "Being an oral genius" or just plain ole "sex 24 / 7." Also be sure to add "I DO NOT CYBER" (We all know this is not true but at least it will give you the illusion of being hard to get)

FAVORITE GADGETS: put -- Private Chatrooms 4 fun&games

OCCUPATION: This is a VERY important category. You want to choose an occupation that makes you seem sexy, but very intelligent too. Something like a model with a PhD, or at least a masters degree in business. Or a stripper who is also a Harvard Med School student. The latter is perfect because it not only shows you as being sexually uninhibited but also smart and young.

PERSONAL QUOTE: Use your imagination, try something that either shows your depth or how sexy you really are. For those of you who have no imagination, sexuality or depth, try one of these ... "Dance like no one is watching" Or "Don't hate me because I am beautiful; hate me because your boyfriend thinks I am"

And finally, having fake personal pictures ready:

This is probably the most difficult and dangerous of the steps. It is imperative you find the right one. Many people make the classic mistake of going to a well known site like Playboy.com or Penthouse.com.

DO NOT DO THIS!

These sites have far too many subscribers and you may be recognized. Try something more obscure like www.wetcybersluts.com. The key is to get more than one picture of the same model. If you can't get more than one picture, surf around and find 2 that look similar and then use your graphic art studio to blur one of them enough to make the face hard to see. You can also take the same pic, crop it and flip it over to make it appear to be different. Make sure the model is young and very hot. If you can not find an adequate pic right away, don't worry, we will address this in section 2.

SECTION 2: Working the Rooms:
1. Immediately upon entering a room give your personal information (24/F/Blonde). This will let the other chatters know you are open for business

2. When chatting, limit your lines to one or two words so that you name will always be in view. Every 3rd or 4th line, toss in a "giggle". Giggling makes men think you are cute.

3. If you want a REALLY big response, add that you are bisexual. This is IMPERATIVE for men using a woman's name, but works for ugly women pretending to be hot too.

4. Talk endlessly about how hot you are, how big your boobs are and how much you love sex. Since most men on AOL are older, it's a good point to add how much you LOVE older men. Whenever possible, talk about specific sexual techniques, like your ability to put your legs behind your ears or how you can swallow a whole banana.

5. Pass out the pictures liberally. But if you dont have any yet, simply say "I don't have a scanner" or "It's on my other computer". Be sure to reiterate how hot you are and describe your hot self in detail. Promise to send your picture later and tell them it is worth the wait.

6. Your fonts should always be bold and in pink or something cute like that, be sure to use a lot of happy faces and "LOL" a lot whenever a male says something even remotely droll or funny.

7. Once you start these techniques, it only makes sense that you will have more than your fair share of attention (which is the plan). Should a female enter the room and begin to take that attention away, try one of these easy phrases ... "I love being naked" or "You guys in here are all so sexy, I am so hot right now" or "Do you know how hard it is to find a 36DDD bra?" This should take the attention right back to you. As you practice, finding the right phrases will become easier. Beware though, it is just possible that the woman who has entered has a hotter fake picture than you or more practice. If this is the case, you must yield attention to her out of professional courtesy.

SECTION 3: Rules to live by:
1. Once people are starting to catch on that you may not be 100% real, it's time to move on and find a new chat.

2. Never offer to meet anyone or accept offers. If you somehow get youself in a corner, just tell the person that you have an incurable disease and have to leave the country.

3. If someone recognizes your pic as one they have seen before or of a famous model, DON'T PANIC. When faking out AOLers, coolness is the key. Tell them that you were hoping no one would recognize you online, and go with it.

4. If the worst case scenerio happens and you by chance get found out, don't worry. Simply delete your screen name and start over with Section 1 and a new name.

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day;
teach that person to use the Internet and they
won't bother you for weeks.

MELVIN DURAI'S HUMOR COLUMN
Melvin Durai is a humor columnist at the
Chambersburg Public Opinion in Pennsylvania.

"LOW PHONE RATES COULD ENHANCE
YOUR LOVE LIFE"

If the telephone is a big part of your life, you'll be happy to learn about two developments. The first could keep you on the phone forever -- or at least until the world ends on Jan. 1. The second could make you feel more comfortable about answering the darn thing.

Let me explain.

Say you're a woman involved in a long-distance relationship. You were on the Internet and met this great guy named Sam who lives in a remote part of West Virginia, but still has all his teeth. Or so he claims.

Your relationship has progressed from the Internet to the phone, and though you've never set eyes on Sam or his molars, you're beginning to plan your wedding. Hey, you're an optimist. Besides, the earlier you start planning, the more likely you'll remember the names of all your relatives.

You've even selected a reception hall, picked your bridesmaids, and opened a gift registry at K-mart.

There's only one problem: Sam stops calling you.

You try to call him, but get his answering machine. Still, you're glad to hear his voice on the machine, though he says only, "Yo!"

After a week or so, your phone rings again. You dash out of the bathroom, shampoo running down your back. "Hello," you say, your heart pounding like you just met Ricky Martin.

"Hello," says the caller. "I'm calling from Diewell Cemetery to offer you a special deal on a burial plot."

It's a telemarketer, one who's apparently making plans for your death. You slam the phone, cursing Alexander Graham Bell.

After your cold shower, you check your email and find a message from Sam:
"Dear Fatima, I couldn't call you because the phone company disconnected my long-distance service for not paying the bill. I wanted to pay it, but it was more than double my rent. Those six-hour calls aren't cheap. I tried to get a job, but they aren't hiring at McDonald's. And the guy at the pawn shop refused to take my collection of hub caps. I'm really sorry about this. All my love, Sam."

So now you have another problem: Your name isn't Fatima. It isn't even Fat-anything.

But you're in a forgiving mood. You're willing to overlook this faux pas. You don't want to lose the deposit on the reception hall.

You email Sam, telling him about the low rates phone companies have started offering. Sprint's offering 5-cent nights. MCI's offering 5-cent nights and early mornings. AT&T's offering 7-cent mornings, afternoons and nights. And perhaps 3-cent birthdays.

For just a nickel, you can call your ex-husband and tell him to get a life. He's not achieving much in Congress.

What's more, if the heated competition in the phone industry continues, it's possible that long distance -- combined with Internet access and other services -- will eventually be FREE. That could take your romance to a whole new level. You could even get married by phone.

You have other good news for Sam: You heard that some states are passing laws against telemarketers, forcing them to respect "do not call" lists. They won't be interrupting your cold showers again.

Sam emails back: "Dear Fatima, I have something important to tell you. My name really isn't Sam. It's Samantha. That's why I sound a lot like Michael Jackson."

Now you have another problem: Which one of you will undergo the sex change operation? There isn't much time before the wedding.

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