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Cyber-Sex Dear John Letter ~ author unknown ~ -- You never know, this might come in handy one day -- Dear [ insert screen name here ] I regret to inform you that, under a plan for the periodic removal of unpleasantness from my life, I must terminate our online affair. This termination takes effect immediately, but only because I could not make it retroactive. Below, you will find the reasons for this action: [ check all that apply ] _____ While our cybersex sessions were, for the most part, competent, your constant use of "brb ggp" took some of the romance out of it. _____ Your use of the term "the ol' cyber ball and chain" to refer to me has hurt my feelings. _____ I've found another lover, one who knows the importance of punctuation. _____ Certain errors during cyber sessions indicate that you were less than honest: [ check all that apply ] __ You typed: "I remove my bra" when you claimed to be a man __ Your supposedly original scenario, it turns out, is simply page 56 of a Jackie Collins novel __ Your repeated references to animals suggest that you are hiding something from me __ Your refusal to cyber until I submitted a recent AIDS test suggests a degree of paranoia that is, simply put, unhealthy __ I finally opened the file with your police record __ I have no choice but to comply with the court orders unless I wish to face stalking charges __ Mommy says I need to spend less time on the computer __ Your mommy called me and yelled at me because of all the time you're spending on the computer __ The fact that you BCC all your love letters to me leaves me feeling less than special ... as in cyber cheating __ I finally read your profile, and the fact that you are only 14 violates the terms of my parole __ I am entering the witness protection program Please understand, __[screen name]__ OR __you misbegotten SOB__ , that there is nothing personal in this. We've simply grown apart. Any additional correspondence you may direct to my attorney. __ Respectfully, __ Gleefully, __ I have to go before the warden calls "lights out," __ Uh oh, my Real Life mate is coming up the stairs __ Good riddance [ Name or alias ] P.S. I suggest that you refrain from using recycled pixels.
Dear [ insert screen name here ] I regret to inform you that, under a plan for the periodic removal of unpleasantness from my life, I must terminate our online affair. This termination takes effect immediately, but only because I could not make it retroactive. Below, you will find the reasons for this action: [ check all that apply ] _____ While our cybersex sessions were, for the most part, competent, your constant use of "brb ggp" took some of the romance out of it. _____ Your use of the term "the ol' cyber ball and chain" to refer to me has hurt my feelings. _____ I've found another lover, one who knows the importance of punctuation. _____ Certain errors during cyber sessions indicate that you were less than honest:
[ check all that apply ] __ You typed: "I remove my bra" when you claimed to be a man __ Your supposedly original scenario, it turns out, is simply page 56 of a Jackie Collins novel __ Your repeated references to animals suggest that you are hiding something from me __ Your refusal to cyber until I submitted a recent AIDS test suggests a degree of paranoia that is, simply put, unhealthy __ I finally opened the file with your police record __ I have no choice but to comply with the court orders unless I wish to face stalking charges __ Mommy says I need to spend less time on the computer __ Your mommy called me and yelled at me because of all the time you're spending on the computer __ The fact that you BCC all your love letters to me leaves me feeling less than special ... as in cyber cheating __ I finally read your profile, and the fact that you are only 14 violates the terms of my parole __ I am entering the witness protection program
P.S. I suggest that you refrain from using recycled pixels.
SINGLE WOMAN'S BEDTIME PRAYER- author unknown - Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray to find online a man, who's not an internet creep. He doesn't have to be handsome, smart and strong; Just not afraid to admit when he is wrong. One who thinks before he speaks. When he promises to call, he doesn't wait 6 weeks. I pray that he is gainfully employed, won't lose his cool when he's annoyed. Pulls out my chair and opens my door, massages my back and begs to do more. Oh, send me a man who will make love to my mind! Knows just what to say when I ask "How fat is my behind?" One who'll make love till my body's a twitchin' He brings ME a sandwich too, when he goes to the kitchen! I pray that this man will love me to no end, And would never compare me with my best girlfriend. Thank You in advance and now I'll just wait, for I know You will send him before it's too late. Amen
1. For women, before becoming involved in any kind of cybersex, please make sure your spouse, boyfriend, kids, etc. are out of the room at the time, (preferably out of the house and not during a major holiday when your in-laws are also present or at a time when all your relatives are in attendance). It really gets difficult explaining what you are doing undressing in front of the computer, drooling out of one corner of your mouth, moaning and groaning while the buzz of various "toys" can be heard. 2. For men, before you begin please check that your modem protector is on, along with the splash guard for your keyboard. It will stop the future embarrassment of telling the computer technician that your keys are "stuck" and you have no idea why. 3. For women, no matter what you are truly wearing, such as: sweat pants, sweat shirt, torn bathrobe, slippers, T-shirt with stains on the front, bloomer underwear that could cover a car or be used for a parachute, always tell your potential cyber partner you are wearing a thong, garter belt with black stockings, and your best wonder bra, (the one that has everything pulled up so high your bellybutton is under your chin), and a pair of high heels. We don't want to destroy that myth that all women dress that way when we sit down at the computer. Although I truly wear these things each and every time I sit in front of my computer. It does seem to cause a bit of a commotion at the office (but I have certainly worked my way up the ranks in the company). As for what the man should be wearing, we all know that they are all naked (except for socks) and wearing just a smile. 4. If the cyber begins to get very hot, please refrain from straddling your monitor, there are many potential emergency room stories to be told if you get overly excited, not to mention the many years of therapy to get you to let go and not continue this sordid affair with your 15" screen. 5. If the cyber is not going well, please let the other person know in the best way you can. It is not very polite to tell them that: you are doing your nails, have just made up your grocery list for the next month, shingled the house, pulled out one of your wisdom teeth because you were bored, would rather read the instructions on how to set the time on your VCR, checked your fridge to make sure the light still works when you open the door, and last but not least, stuck your tongue to an ice cube tray to stop the monotony. 6. When it really starts getting hot and heavy, please check your spelling before you send that embarrassing typo, i.e., "oh baby, let me suck on those beautiful beasts of yours. I just love your hot, wet posse" (kinda puts a western slant on things) ... hmmmm, things could get interesting with boots and spurs though. "Oh baby, you have such a big coke" (hope you got the super sized fries and burger with that). "That's it baby, oh fork me hard!" 7. Pay attention to what is going on. Please refrain from putting your "coke" in one place, when your cyber partner had just typed that it was someplace else. If you have no clue as to where the cyber is going, ask to buy a vowel. If you are really lost and can't keep up, or you had a case of premature cybering and really do not feel like typing for 3 days to satisfy your female counterpart, just pretend you got bumped offline. That always works and at least she won't take it so personal. Please refrain from the excuse, "I have to let my dog out." 8. Once both cyber partners have been satisfied, or faked satisfaction, (oh great, we now have the added pressure of faking cyber-orgasms too), at least say thank you. (Thank you can mean, thank God it's over, or THANK YOU because you truly had a wonderful time.) 9. If it was a truly bad experience, do not feel pressured into ever having cybersex with this person again. When they ask for your email address, just give them the wrong one. If they begin to pester you, it's proper etiquette to just bump yourself offline, or just say "HUH? I never got your message." Nobody needs to suffer a really bad cyber twice. 10. Last but not least, remember that cybersex will not make you go blind, unless you keep all the lights out in the house while having it, watching the screen in the dark does make your eyes burn. Realize that you may be addicted if your real life partner walks by naked and you'd rather be typing with one hand and still trying to keep a steady rhythm going. Sex can be just as nice with a partner you know. And just for variety, when your left hand gets tired, try dating your right hand for something different. Until your next hot session .... cyber on my friends!
BELIEVE IT OR NOTFrom Wierd News Another Danger of CyberSex??? Frazzled Frances W. believes the father of her unborn child is sitting behind a computer 1,500 miles away -- where he got her pregnant during an online sex chat! "His words were so convincing it felt like we were actually having sex," Frances claims. "I could hear bells ringing and fireworks going off. My body reacted accordingly and I became pregnant with his child. I know it sounds hard to believe, but I haven't had sex with anyone else in over two years. So who else could it be?" Clarence K., the man she says impregnated her, is flabbergasted by Frances' charges -- especially since she's threatening to file a paternity suit. "I haven't been anywhere near Colorado in my life," said the 27 year old technician from Buffalo, N.Y. Incredibly, Dr. John Swall, a leading expert in unusual pregnancies, says Francis may be right. "If she had sex two years ago, there is a 5-million-to-one chance that some of the sperm survived but became dormant. Her high state of sexual excitement during the computer session could have helped revive what we call 'sleeping sperm,' that resulted in pregnancy. But to say Mr. K is the father is ridiculous." There are only 18 known cases of 'sleeping sperm' pregnancy over a 25 year period in the United States. One Ohio widow got pregnant with her husband's baby nearly 38 months after they had sex for the last time before he died. Frances, a 26 year-old store clerk, met Clarence in an Internet chat room for singles. They later began having intimate conversations with each other over their computers. "It's the only explanation for my pregnancy," Frances said. We'll find out for sure when Clarence has to take a blood test.
Frazzled Frances W. believes the father of her unborn child is sitting behind a computer 1,500 miles away -- where he got her pregnant during an online sex chat! "His words were so convincing it felt like we were actually having sex," Frances claims. "I could hear bells ringing and fireworks going off. My body reacted accordingly and I became pregnant with his child. I know it sounds hard to believe, but I haven't had sex with anyone else in over two years. So who else could it be?" Clarence K., the man she says impregnated her, is flabbergasted by Frances' charges -- especially since she's threatening to file a paternity suit. "I haven't been anywhere near Colorado in my life," said the 27 year old technician from Buffalo, N.Y. Incredibly, Dr. John Swall, a leading expert in unusual pregnancies, says Francis may be right. "If she had sex two years ago, there is a 5-million-to-one chance that some of the sperm survived but became dormant. Her high state of sexual excitement during the computer session could have helped revive what we call 'sleeping sperm,' that resulted in pregnancy. But to say Mr. K is the father is ridiculous." There are only 18 known cases of 'sleeping sperm' pregnancy over a 25 year period in the United States. One Ohio widow got pregnant with her husband's baby nearly 38 months after they had sex for the last time before he died. Frances, a 26 year-old store clerk, met Clarence in an Internet chat room for singles. They later began having intimate conversations with each other over their computers. "It's the only explanation for my pregnancy," Frances said. We'll find out for sure when Clarence has to take a blood test.
MORE TO COME ...
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