I've been "played" three times so far. I don't see this as a character defect in myself, but that I choose to trust the one I love. I deserve a whole relationship, and that must have trust at its core. But it does help to read these stories and look for the patterns. So here goes:

Lothario #1 is Roland. He lives in the San Francisco Bay area. He wrote to me, responding to my Love@aol ad. He made a big deal about how much money he had. He even gave me a new TV set before even meeting me! He paid for me to fly up there (I live in southern CA). I went there to be with him about every 3 to 4 weeks. I paid for half the airfares. He spoke a lot of his "gourmet cooking". He did cook a few things well, but the menu was short. Everything was going fine, but then one day he sent me the wrong woman's plane ticket!!! She had the same first name as me, Patricia. He had a good story about having never met her but that it was some airline mix-up. Well, I wrote her, and she had been there, been given the same lines, and was also being "played" by him. NEXT!

Then there was Ray (Calif). He's a karate teacher in a neighboring town to mine as well as having a day job. We started dating on Valentine's Day. By July, the pattern that he was only available Sunday afternoons and evenings and never on holidays became obvious(had a wife who was a nurse/waitress on second shift?). I could see why a single 39-yr-old man would need to spend Mother's Day with his parents, but I figured he should have been able to break loose from the family barbecue on July 4th at dark to take his girlfriend to see the fireworks. He couldn't even return my page! I wrote him, saying that that was not normal, and he pompously announced that he wasn't normal and broke up with me by email, using a form-letter-like format ("we had some good times, but we grew apart" -- oh please!) THEN I did a KnowX.com search (I heartily recommend this outfit! -- http://knowx.com) and found amazingly that he still owned a house with a woman with the same last name. Gee, he had told me he didn't own a house, was sleeping in someone's den, and was embarrassed to let me see where he lived. NEXT!

The last was the most incredible. His name is Russ and lives in the San Bernardino, CA area. He's Japanese-American, sanse ~ meaning his parents were born here. I find most Japanese people to be really beautiful, but this guy is an ugly cuss. I'm not a mega-babe myself, but I had to compromise some things to tolerate him. He doesn't bathe but about once a week. His home is dusty, his bathroom has a sticky floor. But none of that mattered, because he was MINE! ... Or so I thought. He is usually unemployed but touts himself as a football coach. He isn't -- according to his ex-wife (we have become friendly). He talked marriage early on, and I brought up the pre-nup issue, that I wouldn't give my inheritance to anyone but my own son. He frequently tried to manipulate me into changing that, which made me wary. There were other women which I began learning of through phone messages I'd overhear, one of which ended in "Love You, Bye!" He talked of taking me to Bora Bora, even took me out to get passport photos! Then he wanted to go away for a week or so, someplace that would be our special place. Then it was a weekend somewhere and would I make the reservation? Then he admitted he had no credit cards and couldn't make a reservation. I can't describe the number and kinds of lies he told me and my son in this short a format, but, to stop short of diagnosing him, his behavior resembles many of the traits of a sociopath. I don't mean to suggest he is an ax-murderer. I work in criminal justice. I work with real, diagnosed sociopaths all the time! Believe me, Russ is a more accomplished liar than most of them! Russ loves WWF-type wrestling, loves paintball. He runs multiple screen names. He is an ace manipulator. Be careful!
I don't know why it's always an R-name with me! LOL

A friend and I both experienced the damage that a broken heart can come from when a person plays games. We were both lied to and mind games played on us, for you see, we were BOTH victims of a psychologist, a man that mixed just enough real into his web of deceit to make us believe that we were both his only true love. Why? To prove how clever he was -- a male ego trip? were we "guinea pigs" for a psychology paper he was writing? Who knows.
Plans had been made to meet...telephone numbers (his, both work and home) had been given, phone cards with unlimited access paid by him...so much truth mixed with sooo many lies...until his tangled web of deceit got too tangled and the women in his game found out about each other. I have heard of others having this same devastating experience. There is a real feeling of loss when this happens...and you grieve...for it is a death of a love...as well as carry the terrible pain of betrayal. It takes some time getting over it...but with the grace of God, we ALL shall move forward.

I've garnered common threads about these online Lotharios:

1. Too much affection too soon.
2. A bad marital history.
3. A suspect financial history -- either stinking rich or dreadfully poor -- nothing's normal.
4. Inconsistent behavior from day to day, or week to week. This is a huge clue. Normal men are consistent, regular, steady in all of the areas of their lives.
5. The "willing suspension of disbelief" on the part of the victims.

Ladies, do be skeptical anytime you enter a chatroom or engage in IM's. Fancy words are merely shadows on the screen. And they could be coming from the box-boy at your neighborhood supermarket -- who knows?

What do I suggest?

1. Be extremely skeptical for at least 4-6 months and save yourself heartache.
2. DO bail out at the slightest hint of a problem.
3. For every wrong man that you say yes to, you're saying NO to the right man.
4. Once you find out the guy is a jerk, don't waste one more second of your life on him. Move on, and the sooner, the better.
That means: No IMs, no chats, no emails. The cold shoulder is your best defense.

Good luck and keep your guards up, ladies. Some of these men in chat rooms are no better than street corner drunks. Make them prove themselves to you. And remember what Dr. Phil on Oprah said: "Make them either measure up or measure out." If the man truly cares, he will prove himself to you.

Never feel dumb, stupid for falling for these phonies. Use it as a positive in your life. Know that you will survive when you finally wake up from the reality of cyber. Unfortunately the pain is there, the loss of money is there, the embarrassment of thinking how did I fall for this? is there. It's OK, you lived through it and that IS what matters. There are avenues to help you and even help put them behind bars if need be. Takes work on your part and persistence to the utmost, but it can be done. Thanks for many stories that made my heart cry for you, and feel your pain. Please continue to get well, my online friends/sisters.....together we can make Fighting Back work.