As a general rule, WOMEN fall in love with their minds
while MEN fall in love with their eyes.
~ Carmen Sutra ~
Maybe that explains why women fall more often,
and
harder, in love on line than men. The FB Staff
![](http://angelfire.com/journal/fighting/images/pc8ls2r.gif)
I met a guy online who seemed extremely interesting. I called him at all hours and he was the only one who ever answered the phone. He said he was 35 and unmarried. One evening I was talking to him online, and he yelped that his house was on fire and signed off. I tried and tried calling him, no answer. The next day, a man answered the phone. I asked to talk to my friend. The man was a policeman who told me my friend was in the hospital. I found out he WAS MARRIED, 4 grown kids, and 55 NOT 35!!! He just happened to have his own private phone line, and he and his wife had separate bedrooms.
ONE WOMAN'S THREE ENCOUNTERS
LOTHARIO - pronunciation LO-thâr'E-O, n., pl. -tharios
a man who obsessively seduces and deceives women
I've been "played" three times so far. I don't see this as a character defect in myself, but that I choose to trust the one I love. I deserve a whole relationship, and that must have trust at its core. But it does help to read these stories and look for the patterns. So here goes:
Lothario #1 is Roland. He lives in the San Francisco Bay area. He wrote to me, responding to my Love@aol ad. He made a big deal about how much money he had. He even gave me a new TV set before even meeting me! He paid for me to fly up there (I live in southern CA). I went there to be with him about every 3 to 4 weeks. I paid for half the airfares. He spoke a lot of his "gourmet cooking". He did cook a few things well, but the menu was short. Everything was going fine, but then one day he sent me the wrong woman's plane ticket!!! She had the same first name as me, Patricia. He had a good story about having never met her but that it was some airline mix-up. Well, I wrote her, and she had been there, been given the same lines, and was also being "played" by him. NEXT!
Then there was Ray (Calif). He's a karate teacher in a neighboring town to mine as well as having a day job. We started dating on Valentine's Day. By July, the pattern that he was only available Sunday afternoons and evenings and never on holidays became obvious(had a wife who was a nurse/waitress on second shift?). I could see why a single 39-yr-old man would need to spend Mother's Day with his parents, but I figured he should have been able to break loose from the family barbecue on July 4th at dark to take his girlfriend to see the fireworks. He couldn't even return my page! I wrote him, saying that that was not normal, and he pompously announced that he wasn't normal and broke up with me by email, using a form-letter-like format ("we had some good times, but we grew apart" -- oh please!) THEN I did a KnowX.com search (I heartily recommend this outfit! -- http://knowx.com) and found amazingly that he still owned a house with a woman with the same last name. Gee, he had told me he didn't own a house, was sleeping in someone's den, and was embarrassed to let me see where he lived. NEXT!
The last was the most incredible. His name is Russ and lives in the San Bernardino, CA area. He's Japanese-American, sanse ~ meaning his parents were born here. I find most Japanese people to be really beautiful, but this guy is an ugly cuss. I'm not a mega-babe myself, but I had to compromise some things to tolerate him. He doesn't bathe but about once a week. His home is dusty, his bathroom has a sticky floor. But none of that mattered, because he was MINE! ... Or so I thought. He is usually unemployed but touts himself as a football coach. He isn't -- according to his ex-wife (we have become friendly). He talked marriage early on, and I brought up the pre-nup issue, that I wouldn't give my inheritance to anyone but my own son. He frequently tried to manipulate me into changing that, which made me wary. There were other women which I began learning of through phone messages I'd overhear, one of which ended in "Love You, Bye!" He talked of taking me to Bora Bora, even took me out to get passport photos! Then he wanted to go away for a week or so, someplace that would be our special place. Then it was a weekend somewhere and would I make the reservation? Then he admitted he had no credit cards and couldn't make a reservation. I can't describe the number and kinds of lies he told me and my son in this short a format, but, to stop short of diagnosing him, his behavior resembles many of the traits of a sociopath. I don't mean to suggest he is an ax-murderer. I work in criminal justice. I work with real, diagnosed sociopaths all the time! Believe me, Russ is a more accomplished liar than most of them! Russ loves WWF-type wrestling, loves paintball. He runs multiple screen names. He is an ace manipulator. Be careful!
I don't know why it's always an R-name with me! LOL
A friend and I both experienced the damage that a broken heart can come from when a person plays games. We were both lied to and mind games played on us, for you see, we were BOTH victims of a psychologist, a man that mixed just enough real into his web of deceit to make us believe that we were both his only true love. Why? To prove how clever he was -- a male ego trip? were we "guinea pigs" for a psychology paper he was writing? Who knows.
Plans had been made to meet...telephone numbers (his, both work and home) had been given, phone cards with unlimited access paid by him...so much truth mixed with sooo many lies...until his tangled web of deceit got too tangled and the women in his game found out about each other. I have heard of others having this same devastating experience. There is a real feeling of loss when this happens...and you grieve...for it is a death of a love...as well as carry the terrible pain of betrayal. It takes some time getting over it...but with the grace of God, we ALL shall move forward.
I've garnered common threads about these online Lotharios:
1. Too much affection too soon.
2. A bad marital history.
3. A suspect financial history -- either stinking rich or dreadfully poor -- nothing's normal.
4. Inconsistent behavior from day to day, or week to week. This is a huge clue. Normal men are consistent, regular, steady in all of the areas of their lives.
5. The "willing suspension of disbelief" on the part of the victims.
Ladies, do be skeptical anytime you enter a chatroom or engage in IM's. Fancy words are merely shadows on the screen. And they could be coming from the box-boy at your neighborhood supermarket -- who knows?
What do I suggest?
1. Be extremely skeptical for at least 4-6 months and save yourself heartache.
2. DO bail out at the slightest hint of a problem.
3. For every wrong man that you say yes to, you're saying NO to the right man.
4. Once you find out the guy is a jerk, don't waste one more second of your life on him. Move on, and the sooner, the better.
That means: No IMs, no chats, no emails. The cold shoulder is your best defense.
Good luck and keep your guards up, ladies. Some of these men in chat rooms are no better than street corner drunks. Make them prove themselves to you. And remember what Dr. Phil on Oprah said: "Make them either measure up or measure out." If the man truly cares, he will prove himself to you.
Never feel dumb, stupid for falling for these phonies. Use it as a positive in your life. Know that you will survive when you finally wake up from the reality of cyber. Unfortunately the pain is there, the loss of money is there, the embarrassment of thinking how did I fall for this? is there. It's OK, you lived through it and that IS what matters. There are avenues to help you and even help put them behind bars if need be. Takes work on your part and persistence to the utmost, but it can be done. Thanks for many stories that made my heart cry for you, and feel your pain. Please continue to get well, my online friends/sisters.....together we can make Fighting Back work.
Let's get the word out to all women about this web site !!!
I guess it happens offline as well, but I swear I never heard so many stories of broken hearts as I've heard online. I just heard from another girlfriend this morning about a guy she had been "seeing" online for 7 months. He poofed on her 2 weeks ago....AFTER she had sent him the money for airfare to come visit her...a roundtrip from the west coast to the east coast!!! Why is it that when the heart is involved, we suddenly turn blind, deaf, and stupid?
To play the devil's advocate, I know there are lots of online loves that have worked out really well ( mine for one ) I believe that online can be a good place for lonely people to connect, but there must be safeguards. It's really upsetting to hear so many unhappy people tell their stories, I wish there was a way to make it all better....
STORY WE RECEIVED SIMILAR TO THE ABOVE SCENARIO:
I have a story I would also like to share. It happened to my daughter who was extremely vulnerable. She had been divorced for approximately two years, raising two children and a registered nurse. She met a man online from Holland. Kim had many, many conversations with him by phone,
and he had plans to come to meet her as he had professed his love to her. Kim was talking about moving to Holland with the kids and we had misgivings about the whole situtation. Anyway, she asked us to look after the kids when she went to the airport to pick him up and we reluctantly agreed. But the night before, he called and said his mother had a heart attack and had to postpone his trip. Kim had worked overtime for three months to get the time off to spend with him, losing all those weekends with her children and putting in long hours at the hospital. He then made another supposedly flight reservation and the night before, the same thing happened again. His mother had taken another turn for the worse. It took the third time before Kim realized that this guy had been conning her. Even tho she was struggling financially to support herself and my two grandchildren, knowing Kim and her heart of gold, she probably sent him the money for his ticket. She never said and I never asked.
I don't mind your sharing this with others if it does anything at all to alert women to the "scams" that are in this cyber world. Anything we can do to stop these creeps is a benefit to not just us but to our family and friends.
I am writing this because I too have had my heart broken in the past. At the same time, I would like to offer some advice to women who are online and looking to find an honest man and a good relationship. Stay away from the Romance, Love, etc. topic chat rooms. The players of cyberspace migrate to these rooms and your chances of meeting someone honest and sincere there are about as much as finding a needle in a haystack. Instead, look for chat rooms headed by hobbies or subjects that interest you. Virtually every room has players but I believe your chances are much better to find someone nice outside of romance topic chats.
After having my heart broken, I came across a computing help and learning room. At first, I didn't say too much, but I kept going back because usually the same people would always go there. I enjoyed forming friends with this group of regulars. Eventually, I met the most wonderful man there and we are now planning on a future together. We have been talking for over a year now and have met in person 3 times.
Wonderful relationships can be made online. This man has restored my faith in that. Mr Right usually comes to you when you aren't even looking for him. :) I guess the point I am trying to make is: if a lady hangs out in a room of wolves and players, chances are she will end up with one.
ENTRY FROM OUR GUESTBOOK:
You are doing us all a great service. These slugs prey on naive, lonely women. I was also victimized by a dentist in Cleveland, Ohio. He called me long distance EVERY DAY, often twice a day. The romance lasted a year and he eventually involved my family, friends and coworkers. We were planning our wedding and had picked out my wedding ring. Suddenly things started to not add up, I caught him in lies and lame excuses. I decided to have him investigated. It was the best money I ever spent. When I discovered there was NO divorce, I called his wife and exposed him. He is a pathelogical liar ... he lies about everything from his age to his financial status. BEWARE!!! I only slowed him down, he is still around with different screen names. Knowledge is power. We all need to use this web site to our advantage.
You think you are so smart and it can't happen to you ... but I can't remember how many times guys have said those words...I love you...and this is only after talking on line for a matter of days. My usual response is "YEAH RIGHT...ITS ONLY AOL...LOL" and they usually go away after that or shortly there after. But I know if they maybe did say the right words ... at the right time ... anything might be possible. After all, we all want to find that SOULMATE. So I guess as in all things ... in the REAL WORLD or on AOL ... you have to keep your guard up and don't believe everything you hear.
FOR MORE STORIES, RESPONSES, AND ADVICE
CLICK ON THE BELOW "NEXT" BUTTON