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Just after two short months of being on AOL I met my so-called online love, Jim. I had just started going into forties and fifties chat rooms. Once in a while I would take an instant message from some of the men if they seemed nice and was not wanting to have cybersex. Imagine how flattered I felt when a man from my area was getting interested in me. We were close to the same age, I thought we were both single, I thought he was a Corporate Attorney for a very large company in Cincinnati, and I thought he was crazy about me.
We chatted for a few months and he kept wanting to meet me in person, and also wanted my phone number so that it would be easier to talk. I finally gave him my work phone number and we talked many times and finally we met in a very public place several times and then started dating, but the hours we were dating was strange. Mornings and afternoons and NO evenings. He could get in touch with me, but I could not reach him. No one answered the number he gave me. To make a long story a little shorter, I became suspicious and started checking up on him. I found that he had lied about his name, of course he was married, and of course he was NOT an attorney. The only thing he told the truth about is that he is from Cincinnati, Ohio.
ENTRY FROM OUR GUESTBOOK:
I am so glad to find a site like this. We need to stick together and weed out the players that pray on women here. There are so many new women coming on line that need to know that there isn't total honestly with them even though they are honest. This is not a "do unto others as you would have--" ... it's a game to some and they always want to be the winners. I hope this site continues for a long time and more women are informed of it and they use this as an online tool. Thank you for doing this and I praise you for your good work.
I have a short tale to tell too. It all started in a chat room where a man played a song I liked, and myself and several others ask him to please send ... we are such wav beggars. He sent it. I responded with a thanks with an email and a more public thanks in the chat room. They both were a simple "thanks for the wav". We did speak a couple of times during our stay in the chat room that night. Later on I received an email with another song with a note saying "since you liked that wav so well, thought you might like this one too". I did and again said my thanks. The next time I went in to the chat room, he was there and we spoke. He played what he said was "our" song. We talked more ... then he IMed me. He was so fun and so nice. I ask him about his marital status. He said he was married. I thought oh well, what the heck ... we're after all just friends. We chatted for a long time via IM and this went on for a long time. He would call me at home, then at work. I would call him too at his job. He did not try to cyber with me, but over the weeks we got closer. You know the drill ~ I am unhappy at home ... yada yada yada. He spoke of taking me to meet his family in Minnesota. I said, "What?!!! What do you mean?" He said, "Well, you are going to be my wife. You think I plan to keep you a secret?" I said, "Whoa. What about wife?" He said, "Honey, I told you that relationship is over. I need to get her settled in the house, the necessary repairs made, the remodeling done I have started, and then I'm gone." I was happy we had gotten so close. He was going to come to my house for a weekend. He never came ... an illness of a close family friend. I said I understood. Then Thanksgiving came and he did not call as he said he would.
Then suddenly it was over. He would come online but not answer an IM or an email from me. Now I never see him on. I have asked those who also knew him and they say he has been on. I must be blocked.
Ladies, beware of him too. He is wonderfully nice and polite and is open it seems, enough to give out his phone number at work, but he is not serious. His name is Lee and he lives in Texas. Hope this keeps someone else from getting scammed.
As always, give any relationship time to grow; time is always on our side because a liar can only keep up the deception for a limited length of time. It never hurts to stay alert; we have to keep reminding ourselves that some people think it isn't "real" because they use a computer to play their games. Well, real hearts get broken and real people get hurt by these unscrupulous players (male or female). That kind of people have been with us for a very long time and no matter the medium used, they will not change because they get their joy by hurting others. At least with the "Fighting Back" web site, we have a chance of hearing about some of the scum. A big THANKS to the staff who has the courage to let us know about some of the online sleazes.
DR JEKYL / MR HYDE STORIES
Well, here I am with my story! I went through all the ups and downs of online "relationships". Made some lasting friends and got a hold of some that were less than desirable! I weeded through them all and then one afternoon I was online, did not go into a chat room but was looking at who was chatting in the room when I saw a name that I thought surely belonged to a long-time friend of mine...same first name, same last initial, and the numbers at the end..58 which I thought had to mean his age. My friend was 58. I did not look first at the profile; I just IM'ed this guy and said "Hey, how are you?" He said "Fine, and who are you?" I said "This is Marcy! How in the world have you been; how's the family?" He said "I think you have the wrong man". At that point I figured he must be joking or something. I mean the name was the same for goodness sakes! Anyway I checked the profile and it was NOT my friend. I felt like a total fool! I apologized and we chatted for a brief few moments and I said good-bye. He later IMed me and said "Hey, my turn...lol" He was charming and fun and never ever said a foul word or wanted to cyber...a perfect gentleman all the way. We talked for a long time that night. Then on many occasions we talked often the following weeks and months. First through emails and IM's, then over the phone. He told me where he worked, gave me all the phone numbers where he could be reached, his family's numbers, (they all were correct I might add), sent me roses and cards all the time. I thought 'wow' this guy is great! We later decided it was time to meet. He bought me round trip airfare to his home. I went to see him and then I married this man. Two months into our marriage I am ready to leave. It seems the only thing he was after is a wife that would work, clean house, and enable him to go to court to get custody of his kids, which he has 3 of, all minors of course. Ladies, he is NOTHING like he was in the beginning! I am now saving money (without him knowing) to leave here and go back home which is 1,400 miles away. Please, I know you think you know them, I certainly did, but be careful -- they can change!
That morning, he kissed me on the forehead, covered me and went to work. That afternoon, just weeks after my major abdominal surgery, I prepared the typical perfect, beautiful, diabetic meal for my husband. He came home, we ate, everything was fine. I took two pain pills and retired on the sofa to watch TV. There was a knock at the door. It was a server with divorce papers and a protection order ~ based on a lie ... pure hearsay-trickery. (He has a "system" ... he used this on prior wife too ... exactly the same way). I slumped into a chair in shock. I was removed by ambulance since I could not drive. I got out of emergency that night at midnight with no car, no clothes, no money, and no place to go. I was new in town. I met this monster on the Internet and a year later, moved to Arizona to marry him.
He exhausted my IRA by forcing me to pay for all the household expenses and car repairs. These men EXIST and it can happen to anyone!!! So for God's sake, get a background check before you ever marry someone from the internet. He robbed me of my lifelong savings and then put me out on the street when I was still recovering from surgery. His name is Richard and he will go on and do this to other women. He is in his late 50s and corresponds with 30-yr-old-and-up women ... in this country and also overseas.
This involves a man, (Ed who says he's from Virginia -- don't know if Ed is his real first name or not as he used a phony last name), who scammed a divorced friend in Florida. She met him in a chat room; he told her he was a millionaire and that he was getting a divorce. In a couple of weeks he wanted to marry her ASAP. She invited him to visit her in Florida. He came sans money, claimed that his wife had all his credit cards tied up and that he could not use them. He is a computer hack, got into all her files while she was at work and left leaving only a good-bye note. He used information from her accounts to have her money transferred into a bank account under his phony name. By the time she found out, he had already withdrew all the money, closing the account, and disappeared without a trace. Be careful out there.
I moved my whole life to Washington to marry this man I met on line. I thought knowing him for a year was enough. I moved my kids with me. In short, we attended his sentencing for domestic violence assault. He beat me. The kids and I are homeless and destitute and have no money to get home. This man has ruined my life. He is stalking me to this day. And has violated the "no contact" order, but the police leave him alone. He pleaded guilty by the way.
I am surprised at some of the different ways people will drop their basic human qualities to hurt others for the sake of playing with minds and feelings of others for kicks, or some control effort they seek because they are not getting what they need offline. But they are here all over the place ... in disguise. Sad isn't it? Thanks for making this web site. It's a good one!
I wrote this after watching chats for quite some time now. It may not be a popular point of view, but it's FACT and I believe it needs to be said. Since I've heard so much lately about online players and male scam artists, I've been paying special attention to the behavior in chat rooms. I've observed women responding to such lines as "anyone want to cyber, IM me" and even the lowest of the low, "any hot babes here?"
Geez Louise!!! It doesn't take a rocket scientist to know what these men are after. Maybe they will talk sweet and be very attentive to begin with, but what sort of moral fiber does he have to go from room to room looking for females? I've seen women asking these jerks if they want a picture and then actually sending them a picture. If we were approached on the street or in a bar by these "pickup lines", we'd turn heel and run, or smack them across the chops ... why then are we responding in chat to these idiots? If more ladies would ignore these men perhaps they would get a clue (some of these men will remain clueless regardless, it's the nature of the beast LOL) We women need to demand respect in order to receive it; those who are answering these morons are making it difficult for those of us who won't give them the time of day. Yes, it's fun to joke and flirt, but don't fall for one of these cyber bodysurfers ... it's just inviting pain. Nobody asks to be hurt, but we're leaving ourselves open to the consequences by giving any credence to these self-proclaimed stud-muffins. Those women who respond to these messages with an IM to these guys are only asking to get hurt. I have wondered why so many women think they can "reform" a man like that. Sorry if I'm cynical, but life has shown me that nobody changes their attitude until he or she makes up their own mind to do it. That goes for alcoholics or whatever "thing" they are into. And just remember how some of them boast about the amount of photo's they have from women.
For an interesting experiment sometime when you're bored, change your screen name to something like Cuteboobs or BunsRfirm, turn on your IMs, and go to a chatroom. I guarantee within 5 minutes you'll get IM'd by every sleazoid body-surfer who happens to be on the prowl. If you answer them, they'll immediately ask for a picture and then ask either for phone sex or cybersex ... THESE are some of the very same men who are breaking hearts online!!! A leopard WON'T change his spots, even for the right female leopard. Yes, loneliness can drive some woman to desperate measures, but the cure sometimes is worse than the illness.
THE OTHER SIDE OF THE COIN
My story is slightly different, however, I feel a need to share it. Has anyone ever wondered why some of these married men "suddenly disappear"? I can answer that for one of them. Because he was my spouse, I caught him, and grounds for reconciliation were that he give up these "other women" on AOL.
My husband suddenly took a long fishing trip to Florida alone. He was unreachable during this period. No hotel number, cell phone turned off. Voice mail messages on the cell not returned, even when I left urgent ones. He returned from his fishing trip with new dress clothes, new shoes, and new cologne. Warning flags went up all over the place. He finally admitted to his affair, and yes it was with a woman he had met in an over 40's chat room. I was devastated. He would not tell me who she was, so I set out on a mission to discover who she was. Why? I don't know. I just needed to know.
I changed his password so he could not sign on and I signed on in his place. A dirty deed you might say, but hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. Much to my dismay, the women ~ not just one but MANY ~ came out of the woodwork. I learned about his "unhappy" marriage, the witch he was married to (ME), how miserable I make his life,, and many other things he had shared with these women. The women that I spoke with had no idea it was me. Ladies, please believe me when I tell you that all these "wrong" things in our marriage were not true. If it was, he could have separated from me at any time. He made them up. He got thrills from all the attention these women paid to him. You see, he is a deputy sheriff and his screen name reflected that. The woman that he had the affair with had numerous vulgar indications in her profile that she would do anything to get herself a cop.
I asked him to leave my home, he has, and purchased a new computer and is back online. We go to marriage counseling and he continues to lie about his relationship with all these AOL women. If he has nothing to hide, then why the continued lies? Ladies, do not believe those "woe is me, my wife is so terrible and what a miserable marriage I have" lies. Please.