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What happens AFTER you've been Played ...
First off, you did nothing wrong. This can happen to even the brightest most secure person. Decent people tend to see the good in people and a lot of us are not use to confronting people who lie, cheat, hide, and pose as someone they aren't.In real time we confront people in our everyday lives face to face. We can see their body language, their facial expressions, and hear the tone of their voice. We make our decisions on these things as well as a person's habits and actions. Online you don't have that same option. You have electronic data and graphics, and both of these can: not only be altered, BUT we also interpret written text in different ways. It depends on who, when, and how we read it. Things like that determine what we get out of a message. We all can get different meanings from the exact same words.Once you've found out you've been "played", you have to accept it for what it was and that is: a game. Some of us will encounter players over and over. We make the very same mistakes until we learn to see the warning signs. [ Find all the "Warning Signs" in the topics: SIGNS HE IS ALREADY "TAKEN", PLAYER STEREOTYPES, UNMASKING THE PLAYERS The FB Staff ]Most of us will go through stages after this happens. They can be any or all of the following:
We get hurt, we're lonely, we miss them, we sometimes feel such an emptiness we will accept the game even when we know we're being played [ This is when one says "I miss him soooo much". Do you really miss "him", or are you missing "being in love"??? Don't allow the latter cause you to wear blinders ... nothing but more pain awaits you ]
We become embarrassed...after all we've told all our friends about this great person we met and now he's/she's a jerk. Maybe we've even allowed our children/family/friends to IM them, chat with them on the phone, meet them, etc
We can feel anger and want to strike back at them for hurting us. We may want to do to them just what they did to us. We may want to "Trick" them also. We may make screen names to play them back
We can resort to stalking them (using another name, spy on them in the chat rooms)
We sometimes feel if only we could show them how it hurt us, we will feel better and they will learn a lesson. The answer is: you don't feel better ... they WON'T learn a lesson. They won't understand how bad they hurt you. They won't come back to you and they won't say they are sorry for tricking you
These are all normal feelings for what has happened. What you can do to help yourself is:
Join a support group. Read all the info available at this site for consolation, encouragement, and -- most of all -- to educate yourself.
You can take steps to protect yourself from this happening again. If another online relationship is happening too fast ... slow yourself down and even remove yourself from the computer for a few days so you can stop and think. If he/she seems too good to be true ... you may be right. Listen to your gut feelings.
He's been hurt before that's why he won't give me his address or phone number. He's scared of getting hurt again
He's being smart. That's why he only calls using a phone card, so the phone expense doesn't get out of hand
He's doing what I should do by not telling me things about himself ... like where he works
He was testing me ... that's why he asks me so many questions about my financial history and where I work...he wants to make sure I'm real!!
One thing that is important is: sometimes a player will disappear after playing you ... sometimes they don't. They meet you again under different screen names and continue to play the game. It's not unusual for this to happen. After all, to them it was fun the first time ... doing it again might be twice the fun. Sometimes we're ... I'll use the word lucky ... and we find out right away our new interest is trying to play us. Sometimes we don't even realize it until we have known them for many months and made them a part of our lives. By then, they know everything about us: our children's ages, names, where we went to school, where we work, our past life experiences, etc. We have allowed them to be a part of us and losing the relationship is very painful. If you find yourself angry, depressed, and it seems to get worse each day, do what you would do after suffering any loss in real time. This can even include talking to your family doctor or going offline for a while.The person wasn't real but your emotions are very real and the pain is very real. Friends may say just move on and get over it. But sometimes we need help doing that. Talk to your friends and family if you can. Sometimes it's easier to talk to someone online. Don't shut yourself off from friends ... this is the time you need them the most. %nbsp;%nbsp;05/01©ScorpioX2X@aol.com
Thank you for what you are trying to accomplish with the Fighting Back web site. It is a benefit to all the women who can, have, and will fall prey to these jerks. Your time and effort in putting this together will help a lot of women. Again, thank you.
ENTRY FROM OUR GUESTBOOK:I too have fallen victim to a smooth talking, well-educated gentleman on here. I don't do the chatroom scene, he actually found me through a very innocent penpal ad. Calling him a charmer doesn't even begin to describe him. He knew all the right words to say. And being in a vulnerable time in my life, he took full advantage of this situation. Only this turned frightening when I started receiving threatening letters from a supposed female friend of his. Needless to say, the female friend and him were one and the same! I did the right thing and notified AOL, but alas he is still out there looking for other victims to prey on and probably doing the same thing again and again. He goes by the name of Ethan, claims to be a college professor, divorced in late 30's, looking for the perfect someone to settle down with. He is very well spoken, well educated. Claims to live in Massachusetts and teach at a well known college there. Please, if anyone comes into contact with this man, be careful. As I said this was frightening.
When I turn on my computer and go to a chat room, I talk and have fun kidding around, and other people do the same. But you also open your heart, express your inner feelings. There are REAL people behind those screen names and those written words...people with feelings, dreams, hopes, frustrations...
I met my Lothario online through the AOL personals. He lives in the Fresno/Kerman/Firebaugh area of central California. He is a pilot and owns his own plane, is a crop-duster by profession, is from England. He entices women to meet him by promising to take them for an airplane ride AND giving them flying lessons. While I was at his house one day, he left his Mailbox on screen, and all I saw were emails on his "new mail" screen from all these women answering his personal ad. Curiosity made me look at the "old" mail and "sent" mail. He had been having quite a few long-term email "romances" with quite a number of women. I have no idea how many he was actually seeing. He told me I was the only one! I went home and told my girlfriend, and she wrote to him like she was answering his personal ad. My God, the way that man came after her!!! When I confronted him about it he tried to pass the blame back on to me in some way. Then he wouldn't leave ME alone. I blocked him off my AOL, so he started emailing me at work. Our Systems Administrator at work told him to leave me alone or else they'd turn him over to our legal staff, and then blocked him from our email system. Then the phone calls started. I had to change my phone number. I have removed my AOL personal ad and will never, ever again do anything like this on-line again. Other info about him: In his 50s, drinks only wine, is divorced, born in England: says he served in the British SAS in Africa, Viet Nam, was a mercenary somewhere in South America; is 5'3" but claims to be 5'6", one of his favorite phrases to explain life is "As the Prop Turns" and LOVES to talk about himself
Meeting someone from online is practically the same as meeting a stranger. I don't know the answer, but I do know that all of us single gals are vulnerable to the world out there, and it seems that the vultures of this world prey on us, especially the widows. I don't know what it is about widows, unless they think we're more "needy" than other single women. We aren't! It's just that we are accustomed to having a "protector", and after we lose him, we are kind of lost ourselves. (this is also true of divorced women) When we decide to move on with our lives, sometimes the vultures sweep down on us and sweep us off our feet, and we let them ... we can't see that they are vultures because, in a lot of cases, we have always been protected and have not dealt with people who are out to take advantage of us. Keep up the good work. Thank you so much for what you do. Peg
I just wanted to let you know how much I appreciate what you are doing here. I recently had my heart broken as well. I spent a year on line with this man ... I thought I knew him through and through. We spent hours on the phone every night laughing, sharing. He would call me his "Baby Girl". Noel flew me across the country from NH to CA so we could meet and get to know one another even better. After a wonderful week we chose to marry, with my returning to NH and waiting until October. So at the end of September I handed in my notice and was all set to go! So happy ... everything was perfect up to that point. He was attentive, telling me how much he loved me -- the usual. Two weeks before I was to leave, he called and told me it wouldn't work out between us. I was devastated. No job, heartbroken, did not have the desire to look for a job. Have heard nothing from him since. He talks about his parrots, sailing, and portrays himself to be very kind, understanding, and supportive. Sara, please post this wherever you think it would be helpful :) I have a broken heart and would hate to have another woman go through this. Thank you.
One of my best friends met someone online and now been married for 2 years to a wonderful man. However, I have also known people who have carried on for a few months thinking this was going to be the love of their lives, met and it turned out miserable. So having a relationship on line can be risky, and dangerous...you do have to watch yourself. And know that once you meet, and you will if the relationship is going to go any further then the computer screen, will it be the same? I hope so for many people, but there are risks just like in the "real" world. So if nothing else, just know that being friends and getting to know someone is terrific, but sitting across from them at the dinner table may not be the same thing.
Since my experience with a player, I do not talk to anyone who starts talking romance right away. I will only talk to men who just want general conversation first and do not go into detail on their unhappy life with an ex or how they were treated. My conversations now consist of general conversation, slowly working up to getting to know them. No quick romances for me on line. I learned my lesson.
This person is "Mr. Mystery Man". You will never meet him, but he will send you many emails. A Dr. Kennedy answered my Love@AOL ad. He told me that he was a sociologist, working with an agency involved in creating affordable housing for the homeless in Minnesota. Since I am in social services, too, there seemed to be a bond. Dr. K soon asked me to marry him. My radar was saying, "Whoa! We haven't even met yet!" So I declined, but kept talking with him thru emails. He emailed me during the day and evening. He claimed to have a daughter and belonged to a church. Intertwined with his talking about God, he talked about sex - a curious mixture. When I asked him for a picture, he said that he would send one but never did. When I asked him to call me, he said that he was a Vietnam vet with a hole in his throat and couldn't speak. When I questioned why a Ph.D couldn't spell correctly, or put together a paragraph that made any sense, Dr. K replied that he had dyslexia. Of course, by this time, I had realized that he was running a scam. I should mention that he threatened to have someone from his work spy on me to see if I was with other men. When I challenged him on it, he backed down. Another lady that I know said that Dr. K sent her a picture of himself at her request. It was a magazine picture - obviously not him. Ladies, beware of this man - he's a certified weirdo!
There are subtle operators out there; they've learned over the years just how to talk with women to get them into the palm of their hands and keep them there as long as possible. They'll tell a woman anything they think she wants to hear. As long as we don't let our guard down too far and stay alert, these men can't hurt us.
I am a woman who has met a wonderful man online and we are getting married in December. HOWEVER, I have met some rats, too. One of whom, Frank was his first name, told me he was a bachelor, then later admitted to being divorced with 3 daughters. He started calling me daily and invited me to visit him in his home. He told me that he loved me and wanted me to come and visit. When I had the opportunity to go to see my parents, I told him that I would be able to stop at his city in Quebec, Canada on my way to visit them. (He is originally from Newfoundland, calls himself a newfie) He was happy I was coming and then he called with the bad news that he had to be away that day. I was disappointed but said that these things happen. Then it turned out that he could be there on my arrival after all and we had a nice day together. I went on to my hometown and he called me that night and said he had to go away but he would call soon. A few days later I received a letter saying that he was away at his place of business, BUT when I looked at the postal mark, it was mailed in his home city!!! ~ he had never gone away. When I questioned him about it, he turned on me, telling me I was too possessive, etc. THEN he told me that he was going back to the wife HE WAS STILL MARRIED TO! That was the end of him!
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