Online Relationships
Contents
The book
I am a published writer working on a book about how the Internet has changed the way people meet their partners and experience their relationships. I am seeking those willing to anonymously share their stories.
Any story is welcome -- from something strictly online, to "success stories" in which you went to meeting in person and furthering the relationship. Happy endings are not obligatory; I'd like to see the good and the bad.
I neither need nor want details that are too explicit. The book is meant for the English-speaking mass market (North America and the Commonwealth) and must remain acceptable to the general public.
If you would like to take part, then please send an account of your experience. This page was created to help you do this. Some common questions and answers are also here.
Privacy
For many people the main concern is privacy. If this is an issue, create a new email address using fictitious information with, say, Hotmail, and send your story from that address. This is simple, free, and takes perhaps 5 minutes. Other companies also provide free and private web-based email, and you can find them quickly with any search engine.
Do not mention personal information in your written account. This includes last names, occupations, addresses, and phone numbers. All names, and all 'handles', will be randomly changed for the book, including your own.
It would be useful if you created a fictitious description of yourself (your age, occupation, and location) that is not far from the truth. For example, if you are a 23 year old secretary in Seattle, you could instead describe yourself as a 25 year old receptionist in Spokane. The book will require this sort of description to introduce your words. Please do not change your age by more than 2 or 3 years, because, like it or not, your age determines many of your attitudes, and I would like them to ring true. In addition, if you have a characteristic that is not typical of your age group, this in itself is noteworthy, and would require knowing your actual approximate age.
Telling your story
Don't worry if you feel you can't write, spell, or type well. This is not a school assignment, and points are not awarded for neatness. If you can get your story across clearly, then it is fine.
There are a number of things I am particularly interested in, and if they apply to your story, please be sure to mention them:
- the reaction of others who are not online to the idea of your relationship, whether or not you met your partner in person
- the difficulty of being attached to someone who lives far away, perhaps across an international border
- married men who create multiple fictitious identities, travel frequently, and are interested only in one-time sexual encounters, even though they'll tell you otherwise. This is probably the most common of the "horror stories" and I would like to examine it in depth.
- electronic stalking and harassment
- the dividing line between those who "cyber" (roleplay using messages or mail with explicit sexual content) and those who don't.
- the inherent dangers of meeting someone in person, and safeguards you may have taken
If your sexual orientation is part of the story, then mention it. Otherwise, if the need arises, I will assume you are heterosexual. Keep in the mind the book is about relationships involving emotional attachment rather than, simply, sexual attraction. If you have never done anything other than "cyber" over the internet, and have never felt attached to someone online, then do not write. The obvious exception to this would be if the other person was emotionally attached to you.
Please mention the programs or sites you used to forge the relationship -- for example, ICQ, or the URL's of chatrooms.
Finally, and this may sound silly, but don't forget to tell me your gender and your civil status (single, married, divorced). It may not be obvious from your story.
Sending your story
You can mail your story to this address:
online_relationships@hotmail.com
Please do not send attachments of any kind. I will assume you can be reached safely at the address from which your story is mailed. By sending any material to this address, you indicate that:
- you've read and understood the questions and answers which follow;
- you and any other persons described are of the age of majority in the country in which you live, and were of this age during the events you describe;
- you've agreed to forfeit any rights to the material.
Frequently Asked QuestionsStatus of the book
You say you're a published writer. Can you tell me what you've written?
No. I would like to stay as anonymous as you. I've written a single non-fiction book, numerous articles and short stories, and a year's worth of editorials for a major city's daily newspaper.
How do I know you're not doing this for your own amusement?
Think, for a moment, of the size of this task, and I believe you'll come to the conclusion that I have better things to do with my time.
How do you know the stories you receive are real?
I don't. But further questioning between us will reveal that. I'm not worried about fictitious stories as much as I am about fictitious stories designed to be thinly-disguised attacks on others. I will keep a keen eye open for anything that seems like this and reject it.
Can I see what you've written about me before the book is published?
That would be difficult and also presents legal complications. The difficulty is, first, I may not have the time, and second, your story may be sprinkled throughout the book in many different places. The legal complication is that a publisher wants to be assured no part of the manuscript is in the public domain before they'll agree to a book contract. Otherwise it may be difficult to copyright the book, or to protect its copyright in the future.
However, what I can do is reveal to you what your fictitious handle will be. This will allow you to spot yourself should the book ever appear in print. Remember, if you then reveal this handle to others, your anonymity will be lost.
What will the book be called, what will it look like, and when will it be available?
These questions are determined by the publisher. Typically they seek input from the author. However, it is their job to sell the book, and its title and appearance are part of its marketing. I have some ideas for the title and appearance, but I'd rather not mention them.
When the book will be available is difficult to say. I do not solely write for a living, so a date for the first draft is impossible to calculate. In any case, submitting books to traditional publishers (who make and sell books on paper) is very time-consuming. Some will take 3 months to answer a simple query. So, this is a long-term project.
I'd like to have the book finished and a contract signed before the end of 2000, with publication sometime in 2001, but this is impossible to guarantee. If you're really curious, bookmark this page because I will use it to post updates on the status of the book. When possible, I will post its title.
How detailed should my story be?
As detailed as you feel comfortable making it. If you do not provide enough details, I will ask for them afterward, if necessary.
What should I write?
I can't really tell you that. It's your story, and you know what is important to you within it. In fact, the less instruction from me, the better, since your perspective is as valuable as your story.
What rights will I have to my story?
None. First, you can't copyright the events of your life. Under the laws of the country I live in, and, I believe, other countries that are signatories of the Berne Convention, you do automatically own the rights to your own writing (in your emailed story) but by mailing this to the address above, you agree to give up these rights. I will be the sole creator of the book and any gain from it will be mine.
What exactly will you do with my story when you get it?
First I'll make sure it is factually clear. Then I will contact you about privacy questions, such as names and locations. After this, if necessary, I'll want to talk to you, preferably by ICQ, for further details. This additional information is best gathered in a quick, interview setting, which is why I'd prefer to use ICQ.
ICQ is a program that allows you to chat with others privately. It's free to download and easy to use. You can find it at www.mirabilis.com, amongst other places.
I may or may not send you a story, but I have chatted with you or emailed you in the past. Are you going to use that for your book?
Of course not, unless you offer it. It would be illegal as well as unethical.
I have a question not listed here.
Feel free to write to me and ask it.
December 1999
I'm still laying out the structure of the book in a general
sense. Reaction to the idea of submitting personal experiences
has been positive and encouraging, enough so that I created this
page.
February 2000
Please mention the programs you used, and, if you wish to communicate
by ICQ, your number.
This page hosted by Angelfire.
