So, have you seen any dumb drivers lately?
Ride a bike on the streets of New Jersey, and you will see plenty... seems every day another one falls out of the stupid tree. Most are mildly amusing, but some Dumb Drivers are Downright Dangerous!
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DumbDriver Hall of Shame:
(Have you seen a vehicle that should be here?)
1) The Brown-haired woman in the white Lexus who was turning onto Valley Road in Long Hill Township in front of the bike shop the afternoon of 2-12-05. Nearly ran me over twice!
2) The college punk in the dark green VW who made an unsignalled turn and nearly turned into me when pulling off of Springfield Avenue at 3:15pm, 3-07-05. Came within inches of being crippled or killed thanks to this moroon!
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4) -
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Over many years of bicycling and near-death experiences at the hands of these cretins, I have developed a method of identifying them according to some basic criteria.
Generally, there are four classes or types of Dumb Drivers:
1) Senorus Narcoleptus: The sleepy "senior citizen" who does not appear to be either awake, or paying the adequate amount of attention usually seen in of someone driving in their sleep. Typical signs of this species are slumped shoulder, closed or partially closed eyes, a steady, unaltering speed [usually on the slow side] regardless of what is behind or in front of them, and a nerve-wracking tendency to aim their car at you because they just do not see you or realize that you are there. In California, one of the S. Narcoleptus species drove into a crowd at an open air market, mowing down pedestrians and caused several deaths. In New Jersey, S. Narcoleptus contributes to traffic congestion, "road rage", and increased cost of insuring a motor vehicle. They are also a major danger to bicyclists. This species is usually found driving older large four-doors cars, such as Buick, but this is not true as a rule. Senorus Narcoleptus has been known to adapt to modern times and trends, and has even been spotted driving SUV's [A type of carapace formerly called "trucks" in the vernacular].
2) Egosis Fragilus: The fragile ego-ed driver. This species is both scared and angry, a frustrated little creature who spends a good deal of time hiding in a shell which is usually composed of steel in the shape of a large Sport Utility Vehicle [what were formerly called "trucks"]. While many drivers of "trucks" use them, most E. Fragilus specimens do not even use these vehicles for more than hauling groceries and soccor game kids! There is some thought that this species inhabits such a large shell in order to make up for a physical deficiency in size elsewhere in its anatomy, but the prevailing scientific opinion is that the primary deficiency involved in the maturation of this species is mental. The more severe the mental anquish of the E. Fragilius specimen, the more massive and oversized the shell they seek refuge in. Some particularly sorry-looking specimens have been observed concealing themselves within Hummers and Chevrolet Suburbans.
3) Psychotius Kookus: These "psychotic kooks" are the passive-aggressives of the automobile kingdom. They will let you get in front of them, and then explode in rage as if your being on the street with them is a mortal insult to their very existance. This species takes certain exception to the adage, "share the road". Often this species resembles E. Fragilius in terms of behavior, but the physical differences between specimens are greater; they have been spotted in both gold-trimmed Lexus sedans, and SUV's.
4) Idiotius Collegius: Punks in their late teens and early twenties, or "college kids", these drivers are habitually reckless and eratic. They never learned the right way to drive, so it is alien to them to think of looking before turning, or to use a turn signal. Many of them speed and they almost always "float" or run stop signs. Generally speaking, their behavior is not malicious, but simply careless; when they eventually hit and kill someone it is usually not on purpose, but an "accident". However, it is an accident that is due only to their driving habits, not anything unavoidable. When drinking, however, they can become as malicious as P. Kookus or E. Fragilus, with dangerous consequences.
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