What do women want?

I came across this question the way most people do: by getting it wrong. In my efforts to be the best husband I can, I very often fail to anticipate the needs and expectations of my wife, or understand them when once discovered. I have no doubts that more often than not, women wonder the same things when it comes to their partners. When it came time to choose a subject for this project, it was clear: what are the differences and similarities between what men and women expect of their partners in relationships?

This project report will seek to offer some insight into this mystery by looking at the responses given by several people to surveys that asked questions regarding their expectations from their partners. The results of these surveys were compared with respect to gender and marital status. When compiled, they should offer some hint of an answer to all of us who, from time to time, wonder just what it is we've done wrong this time.

The data presented in this report were gathered using surveys taken by respondents. Note that some data summaries presented in this project report will refer to the general expectations of men and women. In fact, only those men and women surveyed are represented. These generalizations are made only for the sake of readability. Explicit distinctions are only made in cases where an individual respondent did not answer all survey questions.

All married and divorced respondents were assumed to be heterosexual. Final data make comparisons based on this assumption for all respondents. The non-heterosexual respondents did not constitute a large enough sample to compare results based on sexual orientation.

Originally, married and divorced respondents were to be split into two groups each: married & widowed, and divorced & separated. Because there were no widowed respondents, and only a small number of the already small sample of divorced respondents were separated, these distinctions were dropped in favor of the broader terms.

The three surveys used to gather the data for this project were written with input from a few prepatory surveys given to acquaintances. These prepatory surveys helped determine some of the choices given to the respondents. Each survey was meant to be short, easy, and impersonal, and intended to gather the same basic information. I decided to have three surveys based on marital status rather than one general survey because I thought the different groups would respond differently.

However, I made mistakes in writing the surveys. Some questions appear on one or two surveys, but not the others. Therefore, some data cannot be properly compared. Also, more questions were asked of single people, and less of divorced people, than of married people. Because of these mistakes, only the questions asked of all respondents will be presented as core data. The remainder will be shown if it seems relevant to, or can clarify, these results.

Tables containing the entire body of data from all surveys are attached.

Basic statistics for respondents follow.

Total number of respondents, by gender and marital status:

	Single	Married	Divorced	TOTAL
Male	8	9	6	23(59%)
Female	5	7	4	16(41%)
TOTAL	13(33%)	16(41%)	10(27%)	39

Statistics by marital status and gender

All respondents were asked what they looked for in a partner, either currently or when they met their spouse or ex-spouse. A list of several traits and qualities was chosen from; respondents were able to write in their own as well. Results follow.

The data show that, for the most part, men and women look for the same things, particularly good conversation and shared interests/hobbies. Interesting differences show up when we look into each marital status independently, however.

Among single respondents, slightly more women than men were interested in shared interests/hobbies. A larger gap exists between men and women in the desire for an exclusive relationship and potential mate. One would think these traits would be sought after together, but this is not the case. 63% of single male respondents, and 20% of their female counterparts, were looking for exclusivity, while 13% of males and 60% of females wanted a potential mate.

Of the married respondents, the women seemed to have been looking for more than the men. A gap of over 40% shows between the genders in looking for shared religious beliefs, nonsexual intimacy, and exclusive relationships. A slight preference of men for a sexual relationship also appears. These results are consistent with common stereotypes of men and women.

The divorced respondents show unexpected variations from the data of the other two marital statuses. More differences exist among these respondents than any others. Men are looking for more shared religious beliefs, exclusive relationships, potential mates, and good looks. Men also indicated a greater interest in a sexual relationship, but women did not show disinterest. Women expressed greater desires for good conversation and shared interests/hobbies (again, this gender difference was small).

The traits respondents wrote in themselves were:

All respondents were asked about their expectations of their partners, and what they thought their partners expected from them. Respondents were to choose from a list of tasks and qualities, and allowed to add others as they saw fit. Several very interesting trends appeared when comparing these responses.

Data were compared both for gender and marital status. In the trends explained below, the phrases before, during, and after marriage refer to the results given by single, married, and divorced respondents, respectively. Also, summary tables appear at the end of this section.

1. Both genders and marital statuses almost unanimously expect to receive, as well as provide, honesty, trustworthiness, respect, love, friendship, understanding, and commitment.

2. Expectations of both men and women to receive and provide an active sex life were lowest during marriage. Expectations were most closely matched before marriage.

3. Women's expectations to receive validation go steadily up from single to married to divorced, as do their expectations that their partners want it from them. Men's belief that women want validation is at its lowest among married men, and goes up for both before and after marriage.

4. Male's expectations of receiving compassion is high regardless of marital status, but female expectations to provide it to their partners declines quickly from before to during to after marriage.

5. While females believe they need to provide acceptance of their partner's families declines from before to during to after marriage, males expect more of it, at least during and after.

6. Male expectations that their partners expect more personal acceptance drop sharply during marriage, but this in, fact, where it peaks for women.

7. In general, most women believe that sharing interests & hobbies is more important than men do, although the most agreement is before marriage.

Some of the data show a prevalence of what are commonly considered traditional values. For example:

8. No single women expect their partners to be head of household, but 29% of married women do. Men's belief that women expect them to be head of household remains >30% regardless of marital status. The smallest gap between actual and perceived expectations of a man to be head of household in during marriage.

9. Female expectations of their partners to provide financial stability quickly increases from before to during to after marriage. Male expectations to provide this remain high throughout, but peaks after marriage.

10. Some women expect their partners to prepare their meals before and after marriage, but 0% of married women do. Similarly, a few men believe their partners expect them to prepare their meals, but only before and after marriage.

11. Men's expectations of their partners to keep up the house increases steadily from before to during to after marriage. Women's belief that they're expected to also increases, but peaks after marriage.

12. Both men's and women's expectations of each other regarding child rearing are equally high, but the women's belief they are expected to do this is almost twice that of men's expectations of them to.

Expectations written in by respondents were:

Expectations to receive, in percent:

Expectations to provide, in percent:

All respondents were asked whom they thought put the most work into their relationships, and how they thought their partners would respond. Results follow.

The single and married responses show a general satisfaction with their relationships. Most of these respondents indicated a mutually equal effort. Married respondents were also asked to rate their marriage; 88% of them answered that it was good, great, or perfect. These two facts support each other.

The divorced responses are quite different. Every personal response indicates that the respondent felt s/he had worked the hardest at his/her previous marriage, regardless of gender. 80% of men and 0% of women who answered this question also said their ex-spouses would claim to have worked the hardest, while 0% of men and 50% of women admitted they didn't know how their ex-spouses would respond.

Several data were collected either improperly or without specific intent. These data will be used to clarify or relate to observations already made from the core data. Some of this extraneous information is:

Question Asked of

What would make you want to say with someone? Single respondents

What would make you want to end your relationship? Single, married respondents

What is your definition of marriage? All

While they cannot be compared to the core data, many of the answers to these questions are interesting in their own right, and still have some bearing on the overall conclusions.

Single respondents were asked to rate the top three things they considered important to staying in a relationship, and to indicate otherwise important or unimportant factors. These observations were made.

1. 100% of women and 56% of men ranked love in the top three, and it was otherwise important to all but one respondent.
2. Affection, sense of humor, and shared interest/hobbies were unanimously important to both men and women. Treatment and sex were only unimportant to a minority of each.
3. Respect was important to all women, and over 60% of men.
4. Money, status, religion, and fear of leaving were all largely unimportant to both men and women. However, most exceptions to this ranked religion in the top three.
5. Children were more important to women than to men.
6. Comfort in the relationship, security, and looks drew mixed responses. Comfort was important to over 60% of men, and security to 80% of women. Both genders were equally split on the important of looks.

Married and single respondents were asked to rank the top three reasons they would decide to end their relationships, and to indicate others that were otherwise important or unimportant. Also, for those deemed important or in the top three, respondents were asked how much of that behavior would be necessary for them to make that decision. Where relevant, these responses to severity will be presented with the observations. A summary table of the data presented appears at the end of this section. There are several patterns in these data.

Factors only important to a majority of single people are falling out of love, dishonesty, loss of respect, growing apart, and sexual incompatibility. The latter two are not factors to a majority of married respondents, and loss of respect is more important to single women than men. Compulsive/addictive behavior is over twice as important a factor to single respondents than married respondents. No data appeared showing factors important only to married people.

Factors that are not important to a majority of either gender or marital status are religious differences, loss of job, change in partner's appearance, and growing apart. Infidelity, on the other hand, was one of the top three reasons to end a relationship for all respondents, the majority of whom said it would only take one occurrence to make them want to end their relationship.

Besides infidelity, the majority of respondents of both genders indicated that one or more types of abuse would be determining factors in a decision to leave. Particularly, all responding women put physical abuse in their top three, and single women also chose sexual abuse to be in theirs. One female respondent also identified abuse of children as one of her top three. These types of abuse also concerned men, but did not make their top three. Rather, men indicated that verbal and emotional abuse were at least as, if not more, important.

The severity of each type of abuse was fairly consistent, regardless of gender or marital status. One occurrence of physical or sexual abuse would prompt the majority of respondents to leave, while most indicated that verbal and emotional abuse would have to be frequent to constant.

All respondents were asked what their definition of marriage is. Looking at the definitions given by each marital status, differences in attitudes toward marriage can be seen.

Single respondents, never having experienced marriage, gave definitions that were generally vague, or expressed disinterest in it. Only a few specified legality or religion in their definitions, but a majority said at least one thing about how long marriage should last.

Married respondents gave definitions that focused on the exchanges that take place in a marriage. Sharing of goals and interests, love, respect, concerns and dreams are only a few of the ideas presented as important traits of a marriage. Again, only a minority used legality or religion in their definitions.

Divorced respondents gave both the shortest and longest answers to the questions. While the majority gave short answers such as "respectful toleration" and simply "hell," some definitions read like product specifications written by skeptical customers.

Aside from the mistakes made writing the surveys, there were several data that were collected but not used for one reason or another. These were:

Questions on the single survey-

• What is your sexual orientation?
• What is the highest level of education you have completed?
• How long have/had you been engaged
• If no longer engaged, why did it end?
• What initially attracts you to a person?
• Have you ever lived with someone you were involved with?

Questions on the married survey-

• What is the highest level of education you have completed?
• What is the highest level of education your spouse has completed?
• Number of children with spouse
• This is marriage number __ for me
• This is marriage number __ for my spouse
• To what do you credit how you'd rate your marriage?

• Have you ever lived with someone you were involved with?

Questions on the divorced survey-

• What is the highest level of education you have completed?
• What is the highest level of education your ex-spouse has completed?
• Number of children with ex-spouse

• Have you ever lived with someone you were involved with?

What makes men and women do what they do has been and will always be mysterious to their partners from time to time. I know this as a married man, and have never met anyone in a relationship who has never been confused about something. The differences between what men and women expect from their partners in relationships as studied by this project have produced results that both were and weren't expected, but I'm sure all will make sense when put in the correct light of the proper situation.

In studying what men and women look for in partners many differences and some similarities exist. While the desire for good conversation, shared interests and hobbies, and a potential mate are somewhat universal, distinct differences are shown when considering marital status. Single respondents showed opposing interest in exclusive relationships and a potential mate, with men preferring the former, and women the latter. Among married respondents, women overwhelmingly look for shared religious beliefs, nonsexual intimacy, and exclusive relationships more than men, a small majority of whom prefer to look for sexual relationships.

Differences in divorced respondents were more pronounced than the others, with more men looking for good looks, potential mates, exclusive relationships, and shared religious beliefs than women. Men also looked for a sexual relationship, and women for shared interests and hobbies, but at least 50% of both genders wanted both of these. Divorced women looked much more for good conversation than divorced men.

Many similarities and differences also exist between what men and women expect from their partners and think their partners expect from them. Similarities in these expectations are for honesty, trustworthiness, respect, love, friendship, understanding, commitment, an active sex life, and validation. Few married people expect to receive or provide an active sex life than single and divorced, and a rise in women's expectations for validation is followed by men's expectations they are to provide it. Differences that exist are mostly conflicts between actual and perceived expectations for compassion, personal acceptance and acceptance of one's family, and sharing interests and hobbies. Much of the data collected on expectations point to the presence of what most consider to be traditional values. A man's role as head of household and financial provider comes out in both genders' expectations, as do the women's roles in meal preparation and child rearing.

Also considered was how hard we think we work at our relationships relative to our partners. Single and married respondents had much more satisfaction with their relationships than their divorced counterparts. Both single and married men and women said they thought both partners made equal effort. Looking at how married people rated their marriages backs this up. However, most divorced respondents thought they had worked the hardest at their previous marriages, but believed their ex-spouses would claim otherwise or not know.

Finally, several peripheral data were also collected. This information, what makes men and women stay in or leave a relationship, and what marriage means to different people, are valuable in their own right, but cannot be compared to the core data because of missing information.

In conclusion, I hope to have produced something of at least some use to everyone in doing this project. I will not disavow my own personal stake in this information, but I hope to have presented it with as little bias as possible.