Professor Crankypants

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The Faculty

PROFESSOR CRANKYPANTS
Young Victor Von Crankypants was born in Croatia in 1873. Throughout his youth, he dreamed of coming to live in the United States, mostly to see what all the fuss was about. He got his wish in 1949 after a vicious monsoon wiped out his small fishing village and set him adrift on the Atlantic Ocean. His inner tube washed up on Ellis Island on June 9th, 1971, and a few days later, so did he. Through I&S, the "Von" was dropped from his name, which he admitted in his autobiography, I'd Just As Soon Bury You Alive in a Box, was just as well. He earned the title of Professor from a drunk friend at a bar one night, and has been teaching people how to make the world a better place ever since.

THE WILY DOCTOR JL
After winning every major beauty pageant in her native Guinea-Bissau, the wily Doctor JL decided to come to America and assist Professor Crankypants in his mission to save the world from itself. She arranged passage aboard a garbage scow and, after passing through a rift in the space-time continuum at sea, arrived in what would eventually become Massachusetts in March of 1323 A.D. The good doctor was able to fashion a crude time machine from her shoelaces and the feathers of a dodo bird, and joined us once again in modern times. Her degree is from the School of Putting Things on Top of Other Things.

TARQUIN WIM BIM LIM BIM WIM BIM LIM OLE BUS STOP F'TANG F'TANG BISCUIT BARREL
Tarquin is a dog. She likes treats and having her belly rubbed. She's also our resident TA this semester, after having scored an unprecedented 1650 on her PSATs (Puppy Scholastic Aptitude Tests) and thus proving to the world that she's got brains and beauty.