You know, I’m as touchy-feely as the next guy. I don’t mind giving my aunt a big kiss on the cheek or getting a big, crushing bear hug from an old friend. I have no problem going forehead-to-forehead with a coworker to exchange a little juicy gossip. I don’t. I’m cool with it.

But when I go out shopping (and longtime visitors know how frequently I do), I have a real problem with my personal space being invaded when I’m at the checkout. And it’s ALWAYS invaded.

Here’s the scenario: I put my stuff on the conveyor belt and, like a nice guy, put the divider behind it so the next person can have a go. But then that next person arrives, sees the opportunity, and becomes a whirling dervish of arms, piling up junk like there’s no tomorrow, more often than not spilling their stuff into mine. And then they stand RIGHT BEHIND ME. Let me say that again: RIGHT BEHIND ME. I mean we’re standing on the same linoleum tile right behind me. I mean we’re exchanging body heat and possibly odors right behind me. We’re practically wearing the same CLOTHES, for Christ’s sweet sake.

It’s not SO bad if there’s no one in front of me, but if there’s an old lady counting out pennies for exact change or some idiot who decides to whip out the ol’ checkbook TWO HOURS after everything’s been rung up and bagged (both topics will be covered in future rants), then we’ve got problems.

Just a single step back is all it would take to fix this problem. One step, and I wouldn’t be writing this right now. But what am I supposed to say? “Excuse me, sir/ma’am? Could you BACK THE FUCK UP?!” I shouldn’t NEED to say that. These people shouldn’t WANT to share my cologne. They shouldn’t WANT to be breathing on my neck. But there they are.

Sometimes it’s so bad that when I reach back to pull my wallet out of my back pocket, I elbow these nimrods in the chest. (To be honest, I enjoy that part.)

My only saving grace is the wily Doctor JL. If she’s in line with me, she acts as a buffer between Johnny Closeguy and myself. But then HER space is invaded, so the issue isn’t solved. It’s just solved for me.

People, please be mindful. I know we’re all in a hurry. I know you want to pay for your stuff and go. So do I. But leaning into my aura isn’t helping. It isn’t going to make the line move any faster. If you think that standing on the heels of my shoes is going to put pressure on me to move more quickly, it’s not.

It’s just pissing me off. And it’s making you an ass.

© 2004 Crankypants