RH: Well folks… a true treat for you all here today… we are graced with the presence of the Legendary Self-Professed King of All Jobbers, Mr. SPLOOGE!!!
MrS: Thank you, thank you my adoring public!
RH: How’s it going Splooge?
MrS: Not bad, I’ve been trying to like call up Britney Spears and ask her on a date, but I can’t get through… so I tried Christina Aguilera… same thing… so I tried Jennifer Lop…
RH: Enough Splooge, this Interview isn’t about your repeated failures in trying to date Celebrity women… it’s about you…
MrS: Oh… ummm, ok…
RH: So Splooge, one thing everyone wants to know… what nationality are you really?
MrS: What do you mean?
RH: Well I mean like every show… Hell, every match you are announced from a different Asian city each time… and sometimes according to your intro, you seem to be from Chinese city names, but in Japan? And vice versa…
MrS: Yes…
RH: It doesn’t make sense… so what are you, Chinese? Japanese? Korean?
MrS: Yes…
RH: Korean?
MrS: No.
RH: Japanese?
MrS: No.
RH: Chinese?
MrS: No
RH: THEN WHAT?!
MrS: Yes.
RH: What in the Hell are you Talking About?!
MrS: Exactly…
RH: Oh I hope this interview gets better… so what I’m guessing is that you are just pretending to be Asian?
MrS: I don’t pretend anything…
RH: Ok ok, enough with that topic, we’ll pry it out of you somehow someday… ok Splooge… Mr. Splooge… funny name… how exactly did you obtain this name?
MrS: Well, my name was Takiweikim Wongyunisara back in the homeland, and when I heard about wrestling over here I couldn’t think of a name, so I guess that guy Psykadelik in the PXW came up with the name for me one day, when he was discussing it with Psycohol…
RH: Oh, so it was the name that Psykadelik dubbed you? Nice… but do you know what Splooge means?
MrS: Ummm…
RH: It’s sort of a slang term here for something… something you’re not really known for…
MrS: Oh ummm, what does it mean? I didn’t know it had a meaning…
RH: Well go ask Psykadelik or heck, ask anyone, they’ll tell ya…
MrS: Ok, cool, I can’t wait!
RH: Yah, but speaking of your entrance to wrestling… how did you break into this business? I mean like, you reaaaallly suck! You really shouldn’t be here…
MrS: What?! I’m the bestest! The only thing I suck is between myself and Ninjarette!
RH: Oh… my… God…
MrS: Yes, God is nice I hear…
RH: Ok…. So how’d you get into wrestling? I think you’d be a much better actor or something zany…
MrS: Well, I defeated my sensei back home, and from there, he sent me to the PXW to hone my skills… and I never went back, hehehehehehe…. Heeheehee….
RH: Is that so funny? So you like it here? And you defeated your sensei? Who was he, Donald Duck?
MrS: Yes, yes, yes, and no… my sensei’s name was Mr. Meatball… you see I was eating spaghetti one night, and one of the meatballs jumped up and taught me all I kn…
RH: Enough… you ramble about nonsensical stupid things that nobody cares about my friend… let me run this Interview, you just kinda go with the flow…
MrS: Ok… with the flow… I can do that…
RH: Now you say you’re a Master of Martial Arts, apparently taught by a stray meatball… but by looking up your personal records, and judging by the one simple kata that you perform… and perform terribly by the way… you seem only to be at Yellow Belt level…
MrS: Yes… I am 8th Degree Yellow Belt!
RH: Ummm, there is no 8th Degree Yellow Belt… Yellow Belt is just after White Belt, which is a nothing belt… and you’re a bad Yellow Belt…
MrS: Hey, you get in the Dojo with me… I will show you a Yellow Belt!
RH: Oh I could take you, I’m sure of it…
MrS: Aww, who am I kidding, you’re right, I suck…
RH: So why even use the Karate Gimmick if you totally suck at it?
MrS: Well, Ninja uses it as a gimmick, and he really doesn’t use any karate at all… at least I make it look like I know it…
RH: Well it looks like you watched some movies and are trying to play the star… but it’s not working…
MrS: I know, I tried to have Wolfman X help me with that……… no luck…
RH: Yup, and you wear that all black suit and mask combo… you trying to intimidate people?
MrS: No, I just want to be a Ninja like John Wayne…
RH: Oh yeah, great Ninja that was…
MrS: I know, one of my favorites…
RH: Now onto your career… you started in the PXW, and soon moved on to the EWA… were the early years tough?
MrS: Well if you take a look at my record, you would notice an pelvically explosive winning streak, so it’s a pretty good guess that it wasn’t tough at all…
RH: Actually you went quite awhile without a win… to refresh your memory…
MrS: Oh…
RH: You are the King of Jobbers remember?
MrS: Oh yeah… it was pretty tough…
RH: And you soon befriended the Ninja…
MrS: Oh yeah, I like him… he’s cool…
RH: You guys always had some good dance moves together…
MrS: Thanks… we’ve won many dance-a-thons with those moves…
RH: Haha… and sometimes you two were enemies, but even then, there was sort of a kinsmanship… can you describe the relationship?
MrS: Well yah, it’s always been the same… he’d usually coax me into Wolfman X’s bedroom after the show, telling me we would watch Free Willy, and sometimes Free Willy 2… but then he would laugh to himself, and then rip down my pants and…
RH: Whoah whoah whoah whoah whoah whoooooooooaaahhhhh Splooge! Hold on there little guy… we don’t need to hear that… I mean like friendship-wise… you guys were always friends right?
MrS: Oh, ahem… yes… except when he took me up there… I didn’t ever like that… but it was only when the Ninja seemed to lose some weight when he was in that mood…
RH: Oh, so it was Ninja #2 that took you up there most?
MrS: #2?
RH: Yes, Ninjarette as he goes by now?
MrS: What do you mean?
RH: Don’t tell me you still haven’t figured out that there are 2 different Ninjas?
MrS: WHAT?! There are?!
RH: Yes…
MrS: Whoah man! That explains a lot! Darn and I’m stuck with the abusive one in the WWF…
RH: I know… stand up for yourself man!
MrS: I should!
RH: You should… but despite the backstage stuff with you guys, what was your favorite moment with either one of the Ninjas?
MrS: Man, 2 Ninjas, I still can’t grasp it… hmmm… favorite moment… yes… uh… well it was when… when… when… when… when he… when I… when… when… teabag… when… when… when… when we stole Wolfman X’s car and took off with it! It was a fun ride! Ninja’s a good driver!
RH: Good Driver? In the car or in your ***?
MrS: What?! Shut up Head! I won’t take this! I’ll Splooge all over your face!!!
RH: AAAaaggagagagHGGgahhghghhhhh!!! I thought you didn’t know what that meant you disgusting freak!
MrS: I don’t! I just meant, that Splooge’s fists will be all over your face…
RH: Oh thank the Gods… back to something we wanna talk about… back in EWA2 Splooge, you brought in the Loserweight Title… a Title synonymous with Losers now… giving them a shot at holding gold, even if it disgraces their characters… what gave you this idea?
MrS: Well I was the King of Jobbers, and I wanted a Title so I could boast that! And it’s no disgrace! It’s an honor!
RH: Well you sure have held it the most times, and the longest time… are you proud?
MrS: Of course! I was a champion! I can tell my kids about it someday…
RH: Sure… and if anyone has had as many Gauntlet Matches as Wolfman X, it’s you! But instead of dominating, you seem to be on the completely destroyed losing side of the Gauntlet… having several men and sometimes women and children beat you in a row… does this effect your ego?
MrS: What do you mean? You must have been watching someone else’s Gauntlet Matches, because I’m so undefeated!
RH: Not true, you are almost completely defeated actually… and speaking of women and children beating you, even a Baby… let me bring one thing up…
MrS: What?! I could beat a Baby! I’ll show you!
RH: Well you sure had troubles with the Baby I saw you fight… but besides them, you’ve had a few matches, as well as the Ninja, with inanimate objects… and somehow you have lost them all!
MrS: What? Inaminete?! What does that mean?
RH: Inanimate objects, are like non-living household products like a broom or a stuffed animal… how can you lose to them?
MrS: I don’t know what you are talking about, I couldn’t lose to a stuffed animal!
RH: Well, footage shows otherwise… so back to the PXW… once the Janitor entered the Fed, we all expected another Splooge/Ninja-type relationship between you and him, but it’s been quite the opposite, hasn’t it?
MrS: Yes, he’s a moron! I don’t like him…
RH: Why can’t you two just get along?
MrS: Because he’s a mental retard… he so retarded… I can’t get along with him!
RH: Now don’t offend the disabled people out there Splooge, it’s not nice…
MrS: I’m not nice! I’m Eeeeeeeevil!!!
RH: Oh that’s right… but what about that Pool Incident with you and Janitor? It was hilarious!
MrS: I know, and so is his profession! I was just telling him the truth about how pathetic it is to be a Janitor…
RH: Did he mention how pathetic your win-loss record was?
MrS: Hey!
RH: And the fact that you both had your shirts off… Splooge for the one and only time without a shirt… never thought I’d see the day…
MrS: Impressive wasn’t I? You didn’t realize I was stacked like a Carnivoric Stallion did you?
RH: Well stallion… I wouldn’t say that… but moving along in the timeline, how did it feel… or should I say taste, when Natas pissed all over your face? Haha…
MrS: Well ummm, it was kinda warm and stuff, and it tasted pretty salty… I’d go back for seconds!
RH: What?! Stop fooling around Splooge! That’s disgusting!
MrS: Ok, it was, but it was still salty…
RH: Yah, we get the picture… well Splooge, I should have touched on this earlier, but I’ll just say it now… you are one of the funniest guys in the PXW/EWA!!! Where do you come up with these routines you do?!
MrS: Well thanks for the recognition… I actually go over what I’m planning on doing with my Mom the night before the show…
RH: What? Your mom?!
MrS: Yup, she cheers me on all the time…
RH: I didn’t know you had a mom around here…
MrS: Sure I do… she buys me all my coats and shoes and things, and even does the “Airplane” thing when she feeds me…
RH: What?! She still spoonfeeds you?!
MrS: Well if she didn’t, it would get all over my bib… it’s hard spooning applesauce up in the High-chair…
RH: Bib?! Applesauce?! High-chair?! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!!!!
MrS: What’s so funny!
RH: Oh uh… nothing… But back to wrestling, after hearing all of that I cannot believe that one day a couple summers ago, you defeated Natas at an EWA Show! That was probably the biggest upset ever in these parts! And you looked more surprised about the win than we all did! How did it feel?
MrS: Well I wasn’t really surprised, that was more a look of “yah I’m the man, who’s bad? Who’s bad? Me, that’s right!” And trust me, it was no upset! It would have been an upset only if he had won…
RH: Hahahaha… you crack me up Splooge, we all knew you were as shocked as Hell! You can’t hide it…
MrS: Whateva girlfriend!
RH: You are so Gay! Stop that now!
MrS: Talk to the hand, cuz the face ain’t listening!
RH: Tell me… TELL ME YOU DID NOT JUST SAY THAT SPLOOGE!
MrS: Oh I said it with Pride Head!
RH: Damn… this is unusual folks… I am seriously getting nervous sitting next to this womanly-boy-man…
MrS: I am not what you just said! Take that back!
RH: No!
MrS: Take it back!!!
RH: No!!!
MrS: Head!!! You take it back or I’ll…
RH: You’ll what?
MrS: Slap you in the face with a monkey!
RH: You are sick man!
MrS: Yah, sick of you!
RH: Enough, enough, enough with the arguing!!! This interview is already going way longer than expected! Now what were we talking about… Oh yeah, your win over Natas… well just recently, you took a win over Mr. Execution too, to win the PXW World Title!!! Which is huge news!!! How did it feel to be World Champ?
MrS: It felt the same as when I was Loserweight Champ, like I was King of the World!
RH: Oh… so is the Execution-syndrome catching onto you… are you transforming into a Main Eventer like him?
MrS: Yes! I will be World Champion when we return! I can do it!!!! I am Mr. SploooOoOOoooooge!!!
RH: Ok Mr. Splooge… now about the Mrs. Splooge situation…
MrS: No! Don’t bring that up!
RH: I’m sorry, it’s my job… about that, it basically ruined your longtime friendship with Ninjarette…
MrS: Yeah! I don’t like him anymore!
RH: But I swear earlier in the interview you liked him…
MrS: No!!! I would never say that!
RH: So basically you’re talking a bunch of garbage, liable to change your mind at any time?
MrS: No! I just told you…
RH: Ok whatever… I mean, this interview was shot quite awhile ago, why not just finish it, how much more harm could it do to my career?
MrS: Oh you will see, yessssss….
RH: So anyways, what do you have to say about the late Mrs. Splooge?
MrS: I hate her! She’s a whore! Her and that stupid Ninja! I hate them!
RH: And Splooge Jr., why did have to get involved?!
MrS: You mean Ninja Jr.! It was Ninja’s son remember! Son of a whore… a b@$t@rd! I was doing him a favor!
RH: Wow, you really do get riled up over this subject… but really, you’re a murderer! You killed both of them right on camera!!! You should be locked away!
MrS: Well I should be, but everytime I see the cops, I tell them, “Fast as fast can be, you’ll Never Catch Me!!!” And then I run! And they never catch me!!! Hahahahahaa, I’m awesome! I’m Mr. SploooOOoooooOoge!!!
RH: Well maybe they don’t even chase you…
MrS: Maybe not…. Maybe because my dark suit camouflages me! But if they did see me, they’d chase me for the death sentence for sure! Cuz I’m…. Breakin’ the Law, Breakin’ the Law!
RH: Ahh yes, Judas Priest… but really, did it ever enter your mind that the cops don’t chase you, because Mrs. Splooge and Splooge Jr. were actually pumpkins?
MrS: It doesn’t matter! I brutally slaughtered those pumpkins! I should have a bounty on my head!
RH: But they were just Pumpkins!!! You married a Pumpkin!
MrS: I know! She was cute Pumpkin, before she became a whore!
RH: And this whole thing with the pumpkins and Ninja, it brought out your Eeeevil side… Exactly how Evil are you?
MrS: I’m Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeevil!!!!!
RH: I see… that’s pretty Evil… Ok, to the quick questions part of this thing…
MrS: Yay!!!
RH: Mr. Splooge, who has been your worst enemy throughout your career?
MrS: Wolfman X! No matter how nice I am, he always Blitzkriegs me any chance he gets… it makes me cry a lot… endless hours of the night crying…
Splooge begins to break down crying… Head tries to calm him…
RH: C’mon Splooge, it’s ok… he won’t hurt you now… he’s retired…
MrS: O… o… ok…
RH: Now how about, who are you best friends with?
MrS: The Ninja duh!
RH: But you said you hated him a minute ago…
MrS: Oh I did? Ummm, yah, I do hate him… well, the Ninjarette version, since you say there are 2… I really don’t believe you, but if it’s so, then the other Ninja is my bestest friend in the whoooooooooooole world!
RH: Ok… and yes, it is true… it’s been confirmed, they’re brothers…
MrS: Wow…
RH: Yup… what about your best match? Out of your whole crappy career, which match would you call number one? The one when you beat Natas?
MrS: Nope… the one when I beat Wolfman X is my best!
RH: Wait… you beat Wolfman X? I don’t remember that one…
MrS: Well that’s because they wrote it down in the book as him winning, but I clearly won, yesss…
RH: Explain please…
MrS: Well remember that Blitzkrieg Match me and Ninja had against him? Whoever Blitzkrieged someone first got the win…
RH: Yes, I remember…
MrS: Well I Blitzkrieged that Cardboard Box long before he Blitzkrieged any of us… and my friend, let me tell you… that Blitzkrieg I gave to the box… my friend, that was a sight never seen since… it was a glorious moment for everyone… but when the ref didn’t count it, the glory faded… I don’t know who was behind that, but I won that day!
RH: But even you said, you had to Blitzkrieg someone, not something!
MrS: I meant something! Anything! First Blitzkrieg wins! I won! No more questions about that!!!
RH: Alright… how about… who is your toughest opponent? Wolfman X? Drixon?
MrS: No silly, of course not… my toughest opponent was so obviously MechaGodzilla…
RH: No… I mean in the backyard…
MrS: Oh, that… well I’d say Shortcakes… because she like plays mind-games with ya… could the Stunner be coming? Maybe… maybe not… ya never know! I think she could have been a great champion if she reached in and gave her fullest potential…
RH: Ok sure… hey speaking of Shortcakes, didn’t you and Ninja show her your Willies on the night before her wedding?! What possessed you to do that?!
MrS: Because I wanted to her to see how long mine was! And maybe she would dump Wolfman X and marry me the next day! That would have been so funny, watching Wolfman walk off in sadness! I would have laughed!
RH: Now that’s mean Splooge… besides, I heard that you have a Spaghetti D***….
MrS: What?! Who told you?!
RH: It was caught on film that night when Shortcakes said it…
MrS: That was on film?! Oh man, I’m gonna hafta tell Ninja!
RH: I guess you do… but not now, I’ve gotta finish this Interview…
MrS: Ok… hurry!
RH: What’s your favorite move to use?
MrS: Well I like the Worm… and I like the Savate Kick…
RH: But obviously you always miss that one… how about your running tray-smash-into-your-own-head move?
MrS: What?! That’s not a move, that’s just an accident!
RH: Every damn match?!
MrS: Coincidence… but my favorite move is the Anklebiter! Because I made some people give up from it! Biting ankles is underrated!
RH: Ok, so who is your favorite wrestler beside yourself?
MrS: Hunter from the PXW…
RH: What?! He hasn’t been around in years… why him?
MrS: Because he never beat me up yet… and hopefully never will, so I like him…
RH: So what is it? PXW or EWA? Which do you like better?
MrS: I dunno, Ninja’s in the EWA… but PXW’s where I started… it’s a close one, but I’ll pick PXW, because it’s more Mr. SploooOoOooogy atmosphere…
RH: I see… now who’s the funniest guy you know?
MrS: Natas, he’s silly! He goes around and thinks he’s all bad, but I know he’s got a big pink room in his home with Hello Kitty Wallpaper… hehe, kinda like myself you know…
RH: Now I do… and I wouldn’t bet on that Natas stuff…
MrS: Then you would be wrong my friend…
RH: Well anyways, one more question… who’s worse than you?
MrS: Is this a trick question?
RH: Nope, it’s straight-up…
MrS: Ummm… everybody?
RH: Wrong… nobody was the correct answer!
MrS: Darn I always suck at these quizzes…
RH: Haha, I see that… now let’s do some name association… I say someone’s name, you react to it… ok?
MrS: Ok…
RH: Ninja
MrS: ………..
RH: Are you going to answer?
MrS: What? You just said “Ninja”… that wasn’t a question…
RH: Moron… I just told you that this is a name association thing… not a question and answer thing…
MrS: Oh, ok…
RH: Ready? Ninja…
MrS: What do you want me to say?
RH: Just say what you think about the Ninja!!! Get it?!
MrS: Oh ok… Ummm… Ninja… he’s a big fat funny bee!
RH: What?! You’re just making stuff up… say something real about him now… about the Ninja… the good one…
MrS: Ok… he’s the Coolest Dude in the whoooooooooole world!
RH: How about Ninjarette?
MrS: Dominant… and a manwhore…
RH: Eeewwww…. Dominant? Uhhh…
MrS: Yup, he can be…
RH: I don’t want to hear this… how about Wolfman X?
MrS: Jack@$$! Ha! Well, really he’s a funny guy… and he likes hair… don’t tell him, but I think he digs hairy men…
RH: Hahahaha! Ok I won’t say anything…
MrS: I think he’d like Lumberjack… don’t you? Hint hint…
RH: Ummm, I’m not getting into this, but I doubt it in the sense you are implying…
MrS: Awww shucks…
RH: So what about Natas, what do you think of him?
MrS: He’s a handsome kid…
RH: You scare me Splooge… you seriously do scare me… and Psycohol?
MrS: Oh, I check out his arse all the time… I pretend he’s a girl sometimes when I see him, and I like look at his butt…
RH: You! You… you are sharing way too much information with us… and I’m sure if he reads this, he is going to hunt you down and beat you to bloody hell! He’s not gay like you apparently are…
MrS: Wait… read this?! Read what?!
RH: This interview I’m conducting with you…
MrS: What?! Interview?! I thought we were having a friendly conversation…
RH: You really are clueless Splooge…
MrS: Oh no! Ummm, everything I have said in this… this Interview, I take it alllllll back!!!!
RH: Ok, we’ll pretend you never said any of this then… (yah right) so what do you think of Mrs. Splooge?
MrS: She’s a wench! That’s one thing I won’t take back… she’s a dead wench!
RH: Harsh man… how about Fenix?
MrS: A beginner in the martial arts… he has a long way to catch up with me…
RH: And the Janitor?
MrS: Retarded reject with a dumb job!
RH: Psykadelik?
MrS: He’s funny… he thinks he’s cool, but he doesn’t even have a woman…
RH: Actually he does… it’s you that has no woman…
MrS: Oh…. Yeah…. That’s what I meant…
RH: Sure you did… but anyways, we’re going to wrap this interview up now… I would normally say it’s been a pleasure, but it really hasn’t, it’s been abnormal though…
MrS: C’mon Rich, I’m the coolest guy you’ve interviewed as of yet right?
RH: Ummm, whatever you say Splooge… but hey, I have noticed that you are catching up with Ninja in number of losses… are you going to try to pass him?
MrS: You bet your arse I am!
RH: Nice… we always love a good Jobber…
MrS: So do I…
RH: So to wrap this up, I’d just like to ask one more question… what are you going to be for Halloween Splooge? Are ya Trick or Treating?
MrS: Yes I am… and I’m going to be Sailor Moon…
RH: Isn’t that a girl?
MrS: Yeah, but she’s hot and way cool…
RH: She’s hot? A cartoon?
MrS:Yup, and way cool!
RH: Ok, Splooge is going to be Sailor Moon for Halloween… well it was nice talking with ya Splooge…
MrS: Thanks… but remember to leave out everything before I knew this was an interview…
RH: Ok, wouldn’t be much of an Interview then… but I’ll do it (not)…
MrS: Cool… seeya…
RH: Bye Splooge… well folks, I’m out… and I wish I caught Splooge at a time when he was less eeeevil, but I doubt it would make any difference in his lack of intelligence… but even though I really had a tough time doing this, I hope you all enjoy… until next time, take care!