MICHAEL SAVAGE ENCOURAGES, RUBS UP AGAINST SENIORS AT COMMENCEMENT

The Donkeypissonian proudly presents the complete text of Michael Savage's remarks to the Donkeypiss College Class of 2003. The Pissonian and commencement committee also deeply regrets harrassing the estate of Gwendolyn Brooks. We now believe that she is dead.

"You have no idea what an honor it is to be here at Donkeypiss College, speaking to the graduating class of 2003. I have long admired the standards of excellence that this fine school has aspired to and met. I joked with President Alegre that I wouldn't speak here today, because I wasn't accepted! But he, um, 'showed me the money' if you will!

"Ahhhh. Where was I? Yes, what an honor it is be here today. It seems only yesterday I was passed out in the back row of my own commencement ceremony. Me and my good buddy, Fishstick, spent the night before doing whippets and playing cribbage with a lamb. Man, that lamb could drink. I should call that lamb again...shit, she's probably dead. Christ.

"I guess that brings me to my most important point: everything dies. Nothing lasts forever. And for matter, just be glad you're not a gay donut. Fishstick's brother -- he was adopted -- was a gay donut. More importantly, he was a 'top.' Now, don't let Jerry Falwell fool you into thinking that gay people choose to be 'tops' or 'bottoms.' They're born that way, douchebags. And what the fuck is a gay top donut going to do? WHAT?!?! Count yourselves lucky, you little assholes. Having a $35000 student loan debt is a lot better than being a top donut that will never get to fuck anyone in the ass.

"Perhaps more of you will now understand where I'm coming from. So, uh, good luck, class of 2003. You deserve the best. And say 'Hi' to Fishstick for me if any of you make it to the West Wing. Ciao!"

PAP SMEAR PARTY RAGES OUT OF CONTROL

On Saturday night, police responded to neighbor's complaints and broke up a noisy pap smear party held by Donkeypiss College students at 1692 Grand Ave, the Ladeez Hygiene House. What had become a reasonably popular yearly event became the place to be for Donkeypiss' female student body. Donkeypiss Pap Smear Society Prez and event organizer Loqueesha Feinstein estimated that attendance had quadrupled from years past. Said Feinstein, "This year, we found someone who knew how to use a Xerox machine, so we were able to make flyers. We heavily targeted this year's freshman class, many of whom had never even been to a pap smear party. Can you imagine? I made punch."

The party raged out of control when organizers ran out of lube. The prospective smearees, fueled by the Best of the Go-Gos CD and the malt liquor-spiked punch, went berserk, smashing everything in sight. Still, the police may not have been called had gunfire not been heard. Said Officer Murphy, first to arrive on the scene, "On one level, gunplay is irresponsible, but on another, more vital level, can you blame the girls? They were told they would be getting pap smears..."

DONKEYPISS ISLAMIC MILTANT SOCIETY ANNOUNCES PICNIC

The fledgling Donkeypiss Islamic Militant Society has announced the group's first annual picnic on October 15th. The event will be held in the barbecue area near the wading pools at Jefferson Park. All who hate Americans and Jews but love potato salad are encouraged to join in the fun. Said DIMS President Abdul al-Fasaad, "I think those who come out will have a great time! We have events planned such as the falafel toss and lawn darts. Ibn (al-Jazeera, DSIM Treasurer) has even come up with a neat contest to see who can devise the most realistic and deadly terrorist plot. I've already come up with mine and let's just say that, if put into action, American children will no longer have to fear summer trips to Knott's Camp Snoopy." Asked who would be burned in effigy, al-Fasaad chuckled, "I cannot say. People will just have to come out and see for themselves. Oh, and it's a potluck so bring food everyone!"

SUMMER LOVING

The students and faculty of Donkeypiss College are currently enjoying their summer break after an intensive year of study. We would like to take this opportunity to congratulate the class of 2003 on their enormous acheivements. We look forward to seeing our returning students and incoming freshman this fall. If you have any make-up tips for the class of 2007's ladeez, do not hesitate to e-mail them to us.