Now comes the long and involved process of explaining what this particular page is. As many of you may know from my note in the news (as I know all 2-3 of you have read), I am using this page to vent some creative steam if you will. I don't always feel like writing fiction, sometimes I just feel like writing. So this page will be my place for all my insane ramblings and threats against the tiny little aliens that tell me to burn things. I hope to make you laugh, to make you cry, and above all to make you realize how glad you should be for not living in the mind of a mad man. Now that was long and involved! Oh and one more thing, if you are reading this I assume you are interested in what I have to say if not then you just don't have to read this page. If you wish to email me about any of this, including your opinons, feel free as my e-mail is at the bottom of this page.
Me
Allow me to introduce myself, my name is Robert, I am currently 15 years old. I am a high school student and recently things have been going pretty well for me. I am the son of a teacher(my third period to be exact) and a librarian, which basically translates to being in a family which could not be possibly more geared towards education. I am able appease my parents with my grades and still have time to do some extra curricular activities (yes as the son of a teacher, I do say things like that). My interests now, and I emphasize now, are tennis, this website, and hanging out with my friends. If asked to describe myself, I would probably say eccentric and leave it at that, but I think I should go a little deeper since you are taking the time to read this pile of junk. As you can tell my self-esteem isn't the highest. Now I could place blame here, but it would only be futile because I know that my current self-esteem (which is rapidly on the rise) is because I make myself feel worse than I should. I am very odd in a couple of key ways. I cannot do anything without dissecting it a hundred thousand times in my head after I do it. I am not a very good talker and am always afraid that I am coming across a condescending or as a jerk (two things which I personally cannot stand in people). Every night, while I try to go to sleep, I run everything I did that day through my head. Now, while I do this, I find a hundred thousand places that I seemed like a jerk or condescending or where I should have done something else. I personally am extremely awkward in social situations and will do the stupidest things that I will live to regret a thousand times over. This may seem weird, but I am sure you do not understand the scope of this and I will help you to understand. I remember the time that I seemed stand-offish to a friend in the second grade. I remember when I was is fourth grade and interrupted the teacher. I remember when I told my brother that "tylenol doesn't effect me" instead of affect me (now oddly enough, I do not any problem like this when I type, because my laziness to proofread has shielded me from this problem in written word. This is what makes it my favorite medium to communicate). This has given me a conscience which I have had my entire life, that not only makes me feel the feel the emotional pain (either real or imagined) that I cause, no matter how trivial, but also makes me actually care how people feel (I hope you understand this statement and how truly I do care that the guy sitting next to me in math class has a good day [now this is carefully balanced by the fact that I have a very difficult time talking to anyone, so even though I think about people, I have an almost complete inability to interact with them [especially in this capacity because I don't want to seem weird]). So that pretty much sums up me and bares my soul to anyone who reads this so that will be on for now.
12-30-2001
Writing the First; Being the First of Many
"Give the People What They Want; More About Me"
Let me preface this writing with the statement that this is my 6th or 7th attempt to get this started. I finally decided to just write what goes through my head and not think or care about what happens. This sucks for you, because this means a lot of typos and run-on sentences. Loser, sorry about that. You are being nice enough to actually read through this garbage so let me get started with how I feeling now. Things have been picking up for me lately. I have begun to surround myself with friends who actually kind of care about me. This is a novel idea to me because this is pretty much the first time this has happened to me. When I was in elementary and Junior High school, I was kind of an outcast. I didn't really have any friends except for these two guys which I didn't really befriend until the eigth grade. I used to hang out with a bunch of jerks that passed the time by insulting people (including me). After going through a very depressed period of my life I became a loner and literally would sit by myself outside for the hour before school started. (This is the point where I decided I hated society, but I am sure I will ramble back to this later on.) Then I met two guys who were also outcasts. Through some process, which I can't remember, I became very good friends with these guys. Then I went to a different high school than them. Over at my high school, I met a different atmosphere of people who were genuinely nice. I quickly befriended many people who were (along with me) thrust into this school knowing no one else. Now, in my sophomore year, I have many friends and am (in a very slight degree) kind of popular. Meaning that there are times that I walk down the halls of my school and just bump into friends. This may be due to the fact my school only has 1000 kids, but it still makes me feel good. I also now have my first girlfriend. Wow, it surprised me too. I actually had a huge crush on her for almost a year before we went out (now this wasn't because I was afraid to ask her, but was mainly due to the fact that she had been going out with someone at the time I met her). In a drama jornal I made the realization that my social awkwardness could be considered a strength. Allow me to explain. I am awkward in all social situations, whether talking to a friend, performing a play in front of 200 people, or asking a girl out. The odd thing is that I have sort of developed a callous to social awkwardness. I feel awkward in all social situations, so it doesn't affect me any more (although it still drives me crazy when I run things through my head at night).
1-25-2002
Writing the Second: "Just When You Think You Have Gotten As Low As You Can Get, You Find Out There Is Lower"
Well, my girlfriend broke up with me two weeks ago. That is what has freed up my time if you were wondering. Yeah, 3 and a half months. I have to say that made me the most depressed I have ever been in my life. I felt so bad that I got physically sick in my stomache. I think I am through the worst part though. I came to an astonishing new conclusion, I am not good with women. I think that I drove her off by being too clingy. That is probably what it was. I just feel so stupid about the whole thing. I should have done so many things differently (see my obsessive compulsive disorder at its finest). I don't know. Our relationship was always really lacking in the whole communication department. I might decide to eventually post specific instances of where that was most apparent but too many wounds are still bleeding at the moment. In the end, I guess that we make better friends than lovers. I never thought I was especially well fit to play that part. What are you thinking, director? I can't do this. I don't know where I am or what to do. Help me, I am lost.
Well apparently I have lost more than jus the girlfriend/boyfriend relationship with her, because now we don't really talk anymore. It sucks. If you haven't ever lost a girlfriend imagine your bestfriend saying that they never want to talk to again and then imagine that your bestfriend is unimaginably attractive. Well I shouldn't say we never talk. We do have those wonderful awkward conversations.
Me:Hello
Her:Hello
Me: How's it going?
Her: good
(awkward silence)
Her: How about you?
Me: I'm fine
Her: I have to go now
(she exits)
It nearly cracks me up each time. The world is so entropic (or at least the parts that go well for me). Two weeks ago we were constantly talking, feeling completely comfortable with each other, now we hold a conversation worse than complete strangers. Oh and in case you are wondering. I didnt cry when she told me that she "didnt have time for me". Instead I blinked back my tears and went into a huge delusional spiral which only Brandon and myself know to its fullest extent. I dont know. I think I am going to take a break from girls for awhile. I really liked being in a relationship because I felt wanted for the first time in my life (I will probably comment on this more later), but I still have feelings for my X and dont think it would be fair for my next girlfriend if I got into a relationship before I was over her. I am getting there though. I have a lot of good friends that have kept me happy, although one in particular wasnt the most sympathetic and made several comments which only brought me down. But I did call him immediately after she broke up with me and tried to be joking, so I guess he didnt understand that in English class before my Oral exam that it isnt ok to mention her.
Well, boys and girls, my emotional pain does mean that I will be updating my page more often, so at least you gain something from it.
I just realized I havent mentioned the gypsy curse. The tuesday before she broke up with me I got hit in the balls by a tennis ball. The friday before, I severely skinned my arm playing tennis. The sunday before, I cut each of my hands with 2 different pairs of pruners. Then I cut my leg with a shovel... twice. Then the next day, she broke up with me. Then an old knee injury started bugging me and caused a loss against the one man that I dislike in the world. Then just yesterday, I found out that I am practially a dental singularity. I have a 3rd set of teeth, which have to be surgically removed because my orthodontist has no idea if the teeth will grow correctly or develop tumers. This will chalk up my number of oral surgeries to 3. Fun fun fun. I have refused to drive since the gypsy curse began because I know I will get into an accident.
Well that about sums it up for today unless you want some expressive poetry I wrote the day she broke up with me. This was actually written several days later, when I had reached my absolute lowest. I replaced her name with an X because I dont have her permisson to use it. The only name I use besides mine is Brandon and I assume permission since he himself wrote it in my guestbook. Brandon, If you don't want me to, simply email me and I will replace each instance with your AIM name. So I will leave you guys with some nice poetry.
X, a name once doted,
X, it now burns,
With pain, my soul is coated,
and on the world turns,
no one takes notice of a little boy crying inside,
his family ignores him, his friends try,
they cant help him, his joy has died,
with clipped wings, his soul cannot fly,
he thought he was through,
a delayed rejection, 3 months old,
just the same, only feelings were allowed to brew,
now the little boy is left alone and cold,
shivering, no one can reach him,
stuck inside his little keep, his cries echo,
the fire in his eyes begins to dim,
now broken, weakness begins to show,
thinking his life is over, the boy reaches a precipice,
pondering what would the world lose,
he is just one of 6 billion lice,
the darkness begins to close,
he steps back,
deserted, no tears left to run on his cheek,
in his heart there still lies the crack,
he is left alone and meek,
his walls fall to ruin,
he doesn’t even have those,
completely alone, he cries himself to sleep,
not long is he allowed to doze,
his thoughts he cannot escape, his pain he must keep.
3-17-2002
3-20-2002
Well I decided to just make an update with no real reason. I didnt want you guys to think that i was depressed or anything. I am not exactly feeling jolly jolly right now, but I think I am entitled to that. I am feeling good though. Jaime (if you dont want to use your name talk to me) and I just won an insane tennis match to get back on varsity. We played a 10 game proset. It went 10-9 (8-6). It was so close, but we won, thereby shutting up the one guy that I dislike in the world (although he did keep complaining about how he was injured and wasnt playing at his fullest [well here's some news for you, when he beat me my knee was bad and my gf had just broken up with me. that oppurtunistic bastard!]). I am pretty much writing for the sake of writing because i have nothing else to do, so i am sorry if i go off on a tangent. Well sorry isnt exactly the right term because i dont care, but perhaps slightfully regretful. No thats not right other. Well i am hungry, yes i am hungry about it.
As you can see I am actually pretty jovial at the moment. Status on emotional healing: good. I am kind of glad that i am experiencing the whole break-up thing. It has given me a wider range of experience in which i can relate to. I remember when my friend was dumped by his gf of 6 months, the next few days he was pretty depressed and i didnt understand. I think that at least for me, that the magnitude of that kind of thing can only be understood once it has been experienced. Oh well. I am rambling about nothing. Hope you enjoy it, because I know i am. I have no hw, my teachers just dont try anymore. I am doing all my work and class and then sleeping. ZZZZZ. I really have nothing to do. I need something to take up my time so i dont die of boredom. I have begun work on a play "Rosencrantz and Guilderstern are Dead" (i am Guildenstern by the way), tennis, and this site. So that concludes this update. I have other stuff to do, I might add more later.
The Late Night Rantings of an Insomniac
How many of you out there have insomnia? ::counts hands:: I see. Well, I have had it since 6th grade. It is late and I know that I will not be asleep for quite some time. I am having a conversation with someone on AIM who is quite happy with her new boyfriend (Brandon), who is asking me questions about what happened in my relationship. I, for the first time, am able to talk about it without much emotional pain. In fact, dispite an occasional dream that has me waking up feeling horrible, I am feeling quite happy at the moment. I got my grades. Getting grades at my house is a good time for me. When I get a 4.0, my dad is nice to me for at least a week, and for each A+ I can add at least one day to that. Although my dad is currently in another state and will soon be out of the country until the end of Spring Break. Hopefully when he comes back, he will remember to be nice to me for my guranteed week and 5 days. Now I am just rambling. I have so much free time on my hands. I dont have homework for any of my classes ever. I do it in class on the way to school. I can write an essay for any one of my classes in about 20 minutes. I know I am babbling, but I have absolutely nothing to do. So I am just going to continue. Before I finish I want to make sure that all of you sailing the seas of 0's and 1's that make up the internet that I, dispite what most of these writings might seem to indicate, am not depressed. Keep in mind that most of the time when I write these, I am sleepy and literally sitting in the dark and alone with only the monotonous drone of the cpu fan to keep me company as I begin to slip into the calm, comfortable embrace of Morpheus as he begins to carry me to his far away realm.
3-24-2002
Dark Thoughts: Being the Second Part of "The Late Night Rantings of an Insomniac"
Well, I am once again writing for the sake of writing. I again have nothing better to do. I thought I should just write down some of my thoughts. Firstly, I had another awkward conversation today. Today wasnt as bad though. I am beginning to wonder at what point my continued feelings are considered unhealthy. What is the time limit on how long I am allowed to feel the way I do? While I am feeling a lot better, I still do feel a tug at my heart everytime I see her, but that is also numbing. My sunglass-clad friend is well aware of the full extent of my new situtation. I am driving myself insane with many things (most of which I will not write about on this site for my own privacy's sake). I do think that I am getting over my X, as my green-shirt wearing vampiric ally only knows. Although, my new situation has no hopes for fairing any better than my old one. I dont know, while I greatly enjoyed being in a relationship as I actually felt wanted for once in my life, I guess I was just deluding myself in that. I want to be in a relationship with someone else who wont make me worry about doing things right and who will accept me as who I am. I dont want to have to play any games around anything. I want openness. I have never had that with anyone, ever (be them friend or brother). But most of all I want someone who will accept me and not break up with because they "dont have enough time". Dont get me wrong, I dont regret my old relationship, but I do think that I should have forseen the problems I would encounter as I got into a relationship with someone I barely knew who made me feel like I kept making mistakes. I no longer long for my old relationship, but instead long for a new better one with someone who is a little more understanding and a lot less chaotic.
Do not think I am depressed, I am simply getting some things off my chest in a therapeutic (i know I spelled that wrong, but i dont care) fashion. Also keep in mind that I am a lot more pensive at the moment as it is quite late and I am pretty much all alone in my computer room.
3-25-2002
Shining a Light in the Darkness; Being the Last part of the Trilogy of "The Late Night Rantings of an Insomniac"
Well, I dont really have a whole lot to add today. I got a message board up. wahoo! I know you all share the same enthusiasm (i know I mispelled that, but i dont care). Incidents of mention today:
3-28-2002
Well, what happened to me today? Well nothing really except I got to meet Jerry Rice, which was pretty cool. He is a pretty nice guy and was more than willing to sign a couple of things for me. I was in a great mood after this (especially since I got out of 5th period in order to meet him) until I was in my Drama class. Then my X walked in with a message for our sub and the moment I saw her I instantly lost all my pent up joy about meeting my football idol. Wow, she really brings me down. Oh well. After that I came home and slept. Then I wrestled my brother away from Empire Earth (which is a really cool game by the way and the main reason why I dont update even more frequently). Right now I am tired and sleepy. I woke up at 4pm. Well Colin I was wrong it is possible to be just waking up at 4pm. Ah man! I dont have anything to do for 9 days. All I have to do is write an essay, prepare a presentation, read a book, and memorize lines. That is not a lot for 9 days. What to do?... Hmm... I am going to go work on the message board right now.
4-2-2002
I took a survey to see what job I would have if I was a character in the greatest game ever (i am sorry Colin, but Final Fantasy Tactics kicks ass) and here are the results.
 |
*knight* a courageous and powerful warrior. brave; integritous; commanding |
 |
| [Final Fantasy Tactics Job Class] | ||
4-8-2002
Well, I havent written here for awhile so I figured I should. What to talk about. Well... not much. I had a rather dull spring break minus a couple of meetings with friends. Today was a good day minus a couple of down points. (in chronological order) First, I took a test in my English class and was unsure on more than a few answers. Secondly, I had another awkward conversation with my X. This time she initiated the conversation for the first time, but I didnt say much or anything (I am not sure). I just couldnt take it. My vampiric friend if you read this then understand why I missed meeting you in A hall like I normally do. I didnt want to have another painful meeting with her. Thridly, my doubles team lost to the two people which we barely beat (I mentioned our previous match above). Luckily, it wasnt worth anything. I have made a very key observation. My X breaking up with me was the first in a cascade of break-ups that have occured at our school. I will not name specific cases but there are about a dozen. Oh and by the way, while in Chem class I began deluding myself. I sicken myself so much in my ability to concoct the most bizarre explanations to hide myself from a reality that I dont know I can face. Why had this thing his me so hard? I dont know. I never have hid any emotions before. When I am happy I smile, when I am said I sulk. The only time that I have ever pretended to be happy when I am not is now because my father gave me expressed orders to do so and I do not think that that is helping me with my whole coping thing. I thought a week away from it all would help, but it didnt. She seems to think it helped as she for the first time entered a conversation with me, perhaps thinking it wouldnt hurt me as much as it did. Well since you are here to "see what it is like to be me", I will bare my soul to you and explain how I have been deluding myself. Originally I refused to believe she was just letting me down easy with her "I just dont have time" line and actually had to ask her if she would be interested after she had some time, her response was, of course, "I dont think so". So that crushed me. Now that she has begun to initiate conversations with me I have begun to think maybe she is interested again. I dont know, she has kept me guessing (mostly wrong) before, during, and after our relationship.
A curious though just entered my mind. Why am I posting this? This could cause me no end of humiliation. Because anyone could get this. I mean I dont mind my friends reading this, but what about strangers. I guess I sort of dont care. Odd isnt it. I bare my soul and write things I dont want to even think about and completely dont care who reads them. I care more about if I know my own personal inner thoughts than if anyone else does. Curious is the only word I have for that.
4-23-2002
Today is the day after my birthday. I so far have recieved $150 because my family gives money to fill the emotional void. Aside from a comment by one of my friends about not being able to share it with a gf, it was ok. I played 2 tennis matches today, dam am i tired. I am also kind of a little down today. I had a dream that I didnt want to have last night. I think you can guess who was in it. Dammit, I feel so shitty but not just about that. It is because i know how bad that relationship was for me and I am pissed that i still want it back so much. I am a deflated guy, not depressed, but deflated. Brandon always described me as innocent and says that now I have become more guarded. I have to agree. After having bared my soul to one person in this world, I have been rejected.
Want to know something. A month ago when I was in that horrible pit of emotional pain I sat down and verbally said to the universe and the powers that be that if you are going to give me anything back give it to me on my birthday. On my birthday, I had an ok day, but after tennis practice I was talking with some friends at play rehearsal. There were some of the very small number of friend who didnt mock me and who understood. I then had a moment of realization. My friends, my true friends (whom there are few), are there for me and always have been. I am a lucky man.
Today someone asked me if a relationship was worth it. I said yes with no hesitation and my sleeveless green shirt wearing, vampiric friend agreed. Breaking up with someone is an experience which everyone should experience. It really builds character. How do you know who you are if you dont know how you react to the worst emotional pain? Was it worth it? I ask in the depths of pain. Yes.
4-24-2002
Robert is one hell of a happy man today. He had a great day. Guess what happened. A two day late present from the universe. Today in a class I was playing cards with this girl that I am interested in and we have been kidding together for quite some time. I thought we were just friends but we were playing cards and then we sort of teamed up and she put her arm on my arm so she could see my cards. Unnecessay physical contact, yeah. That combined with the amount of flirtatious kidding we have been doing is making me feel more and more certain that she is interested and that makes me one hell of a happy Robert. She is smart, beautiful, and nice (to me at least. I dont know as there is some animosity my sleeveless green shirt wearing, sunglassed, 1000 year old, vampiric virgin blood drinking friend has towards her). He gave me some warning about her being controlling and I know I dont want that again in a relationship, but we shall see how real that is and if it was a vampire specific kind of thing.
4-24-2002: Part 2
Holy shit! What the hell just happened? I was just feeling good writing the previous entry and guess what happens. I get a goddam phonecall from my freaking X about a mock trial party. I was planning on not hearing about it so I could avoid a painful confrontation, but she had to freaking call me. What the hell is that? As if that didnt hurt enough I get to see her all lunch tomorrow. Fuck. Yeah. What the hell kind of a killer for a high is that? ::slips into swearing loudly:: I was so goddam happy just few minutes ago. Now I am all fucked up.
Interesting, universe. You wait until the exact point where there is another girl so that i could try and move on before you give me a test. Interesting. Take this and the gypsy curse as proof that the universe has a plan. The ironic timing is terrific. I shall take this like so many of my ancestors faced the universes plots. They sat on a battlefield and knew they were going to die, but they unsheathed their swords and fought to the last man. Some felt their dying blow before the battle was over and their valient efforts proved to bring victory against insurmontable odds. One sacrificed himself for his brother to live. They were the noblest and now I must search my blood for the strength to meet this comparatively easy and simple test.
4-26-2002
Well how did the mock trial party go? ::dramatic pause:: extremely well. I was totally able to be comfortable around my X. We were talking just like we did before we went out. It was cool. That makes me happy. I dont think i will ever have another sinking feeling around her again. This is huge for me. I still care about her and all, but this means I can move on. This combined with the fact that there is a girl that is possibly interested makes me very happy. I had a "Z" ed friend tell me that she wouldnt like me (in not so few words) and I dont know. I now have to be careful. I could be deluding myself. So now I need to take time and take into account all the signs I get from her so I can make a decision as to whether or not she is interested. So if I ask any of you questions like "If a girl did such-and-such would you think she was interested?". I bet you will hear those kinds of questions from me often. I have come to the decision that I definitely would like to be in a relationship with that girl but am not sure if I am ready for it right now. I have to figure a few things out first (including whether or not she is interested).
4-30-2002
Hmm... what to write about. Today I took some boring sat 9 tests and sat through some kinda dull classes. One interesting thing was that I noticed that the girl
kept looking at me and smiling. I also heard from my french canadian, sleeveless, green shirt wearind, 1000 year old, virgin blood drinking, sunglass wearing, vampiric friend that he overheard her she say some nice things about me when she was talking to her friend and that her face showed emotions that "cannot be explained". This makes me happy. Hehe. I am pretty sure she is interested any now i have to decide if i want to get into a relationship. When I get in a relationship I want to be able to completely open up and hopefully not be rejected agiain. I was hurt once and dont want to be again. But i dont think that fera is holding me back. Even Brandon says I am more guarded now. He doesnt say it as a bad thing but rather as an observation. I have to decide if I am ready to do that again. I also dont think i am completely over my last relationship. I dont know.
Why are things constantly going my way right now? I am worried. Things are very equalizing with me. Great good comes with great bad. I had great good, then great bad, and now great good again. You can probably guess why I am being tentative.
5-1-2002
Well, right now I really should be working on my history essay, but I am really lazy right now and I have tomorrow to do it (although I also have play practice until 6:00). I just really dont like Honduras and I already wrote 2 pages (out of 6) and I kinda did do the hard part. I also have some english work to do, but i dont think i will get to that at all. Everyday that goes by I am becoming more and more sure that said girl is interested. Either that or I am really, really delusional. My irish friend (not you colin or else i would have said drunken) jokingly said that maybe she has been directed her attention towards him instead because he is such a great guy. I know he was kidding by lets just say that between that and the the birthday comment I mentioned earlier, I dont think he understands my situation and what is ok and not ok. Oh well. Rant Rant Rant. I just am trying to avoid doing my work. Well I had really better get to work on that or else tomorrow wont be too much fun.
5-4-2001
Well, i finished that history paper with ease. Yesterday I was about to ask that girl out, but I didnt really have a good oppurtunity. I was going to do it as I was walking out of one of the classes that we share, but I decided that that wouldnt be a good idea because there were too many people around to mock me if she rejected me so I now have to figure how, when, and where to ask her out. I am pretty happy about the whole thing and am thinking that my chances are pretty good.
5-11-2002
Well today I have been home all day and alone for about 4 hours. I bought 7 cds today. I have been listening through them. I am working on a play called Anachron or Anacron (i havent decided on the name yet). I did relatively well on both nights of the performance, it was one of the few things in my life that my father hasnt criticized me about. He saw both performances. I wanted to ask that girl out, but I just havent been able to gather up the confidence. I really cant judge women and am completely and utterly insane. I think she is interested one class period and the next I dont. I am awful at this, but who is any good with women. I am exhausted from this last week. I need some rest, but I cant sleep because the sun is up.... I really need to ask that girl out, I really want to have a girlfriend again. The thing is... I dont know what the thing is. Firstly, I dont know if I am ready for the whole relationship thing again. I kinda still have feelings for my X, even after 2 months (they arent as strong as they used to be, but they are still there I cant deny that). I do have feelings for this other girl though and know I would really enjoy being in a relationship with her, but I just cant get around to asking her out, because I dont know what I would do if she said no. I dont exactly have a good track record with asking girls out ( as I have never done it successfully). Oh well. I will get to work on my play now or something. I dunno.
5-28-2002
Well, I asked that girl out and she said... yes. That is cool. The only problem is that now things are at a loose end. I dont quite know how to get a relationship started. Previously my X kinda took care of that and took control. So I have to figure that out and where to go... where to go out. Hmm... Things to think about and be happy about. Whenever you ask someone out it feels like such a dream. It doesnt seem like it is real. Yeah, Robert is happy.
6-3-2002
I kinda havent updated for awhile because someone figured out more than i wanted anyone to from this site and i decided how i will weigh my words more carefully. I finished Rosencrantz and Guildenstern and it didnt go very well. Colin (my friend and director) is mad at me because I forgot my lines which got me pretty depressed and then a teacher at school made a negative comment about it which brought me even further down. Then I had to wait in the van in the heat while my dad was in his chiropractors office for an hour, so i am kinda wiped out because of the heat. I dont know what is going on with that girl. Nothing has happened since I asked her out. I am confused. With a council of several friends they came to a conclusion that she is just playing with me, but after Brandon met her he changed his opinion. Where does this leave me, frustrated, lost, and confused.
6-5-2002: At 4:06 am
Portugal lost to dam America. That really pisses me off. 2-3. Portugal played its worst game in 20 years and probably wont qualify because of it. Right now i am busy talking to someone. Yes at 4:06 there is someone else online. Amazing isnt it. I wonder who it is... I will put more later.
6-12-2002
Robert is depressed. In the last 7 days I went from being sure said girl like dme to hearing from Steph who talked to her that she isnt interested in me. I should have known. Good things dont normally happen to me. I am feeling rather lonely. This news comes on the tailwind of the discovery that my X broke up with me because she wasnt happy. Which really hurt. I am feeling really down. How can I make someone happy? I have always had a pretty low self image of myself, but after this it is about the worst it has ever been. I cant look at the mirror and be happy with anything about me. My own family has forsaken me. My father never speaks to me, my brother cant stand me anymore, and my mother is almost always at work. I go to my cousins house and only recieve ridicule because I am more than a little eccentric. I am having a bad week. This summer is going to be so lonely. I wont be able to talk to many people (none at home). My only solace is AIM which is my savior. How many times have I been incredibly depressed only to find someone to cheer me up.
What gets me is that I was truly happy again when i thought I was going to be in a relationship again. Now I am just depressed and wondering if I will ever not be alone. Apart from my own family tearing me down, I have to deal with myself. And i am viscious with myself. I feel pretty bad. I am so tired of being alone in the world. My friends are there, but I only have a few good ones and I thank whatever power that governs this world for them, but they are only there for so many hours of the day. They help me slay the demons that dare strike during the daylight, but during the night, as I lie in bed, demons that come from my own hellforge swirl around and chip away at my soul. I become a broken man standing on a lone mountain of self, surrounded by a sea of melancholy, disillusionment, and self-criticism.
The other day I told a certain once long haired friend of mine (I weep for your loss, i know how much your hair really meant to you as a form of expression) all about how I cannot experience reality. I always second guess myself. I never can take anything for being. I become confused and create scenarios to describe things, but often these scenarios are completely rediculous so i think that they are all rediculous even when they are correct. Which means that I can never take any conclusion that I come to seriously. This is painful for me because I never know what reality is. I am lost in a tempest of my own illusion of the world unsure of what swirls of color are real and which are just figments of my imagination. I am so lost, so confused, so tired.
6-12-2002 (a few minutes later)
Today as I was walking to my cousins house, I walked through my elementary school because it is the fastest route and I was flooded in a deluge of memories. I couldnt forget anything. I can never forget the spot where I recieved my first broken heart. Where I met friends that i dont know anymore. It made me feel so empty. Looking back at those memories, it didnt seem like me. I was so happy-go-lucky and rolled with all the punches. I was so happy back then. I looked around with tears staining the edges of my vision and had to stop and remember things that tore the insides of my stomache. All of the people i loved in that school that I will never see again, all of their faces, all of their jokes and games. They all swept me up. I couldnt forget a single thing and it hurt so much. That wasnt me. That was just some innocent kid who had yet to feel anything. He hadnt felt they joy one feels when he holds his lover in an embrace that lets him know for that moment that someone loves him and he hadnt felt what it was like to learn that each of those embraces and each of those assurance of love were false and that the whole time he was just alone.
Looking back on this year, I had a lot happen. I had my first girlfriend, and my loss against depression. For the first time a thought a girl was interested in me, but then i felt rejection for what was definitely not the first time. I made friends that are leaving. I made friends I dont talk with. Again I got my lousy 4.0 but it seems so hollow. On that report card, it says nothing about my broken heart. Nothing about what pain I went through. Nor does it mention the good times. Only a list of classes and corresponding grades. Names of teachers that resound with metal. But it conjures memories of teachers, lifelong friends, that I will never see again. Classroom numbers. Classrooms where I rushed off to meet with someone I thought i loved. This year had its high points, but for me now isnt one. I am so tired of being alone. I have never known love. If my father loves anything about me its my achievements, not me. He can use them as bragging rights while he sips his coffee at faculty meetings. My brother doesnt even like to talk to me anymore, we are two strangers. My mother, the one who actually loves me, is always away and busy at work or doing other things more important than consoling her pathetic, depressed, crushed son. I feel like I am under a terrible weight and I wish someone would come along and take it, for just a moment, so I could rest. Instead I am crushed under it and am failing at ever true challange that comes my way.
6-12-2002 (a little later): More about that girl
Well what happened? Over the past few days she wasnt exactly being very talkative and during the past few times i had talked to her. And again i was talking to her between the hours of 4 and 6 am and she kept talking about her camping trip and when i mentioned how i asked her out she didnt seem to even remember i had. She also didnt remember that i told her that i was going to be on. So that made me start to have a feeling that something was up. Then she kept talking about this other guy and that further made me suspicious. Then she was really standoffish and was talking with this other guy. Then steph said she wasnt interested any more. That made me sad, then I realized what happened, she probably chose that other guy over me, which didnt exactly help my self-esteem. I mean it made me feel like I was really just a pile of dirt. That combined with other things that were previously mentioned are what has created this emotional downward spiral that i am in right now. I am pretty depressed. Not the most I have been, but all these things combined with the fact that the year is over and i am saying a lot of goodbyes has kinda hit me all at once. I just had to add that little bit before I was done.
6-23-2002
Well, I am leaving for Portugal soon (in about 6 hours). I will be gone for 16 days (until july 11 for all you mathematicians out there). If I didnt get a chance to say good-bye and good luck consider this it. I wish you all the best of luck in all matters while in my abscence. Friends are the only thing worth anything in this world.
7-17-2002
Well, I'm back from Portugal. It was a great trip, my father even changed his attitude towards me. Instead of never talking to me he has decided to start directly insulting me to make me feel worse about myself. During the whole trip, my family just joined in with him because my brother is a different person and he has worn my mom down to the point where she dares not go against him. But in spite of this, I think that I have found my balance. I am listening to music right now. Mr. Writer by Stereophonics. It is a cool song. I recommend it and if you are online on a decent connection and think you have similar music tastes, I advise you download it from whatever music community you are a part of since napster went down. I am working on a lot of things right now: my website, a book I have been working on, a play I havent even started yet, poetry, and for the first time a song. (This site is up, see. Even though some of you told me it wasnt). Over the past few days, I have been thinking clearer than I have in a while and have been able to look back on some things in an entirely different light.
7-25-2002
Well it is barely the 25th as it is 12:30 am. I dont really have anything to do so I decided that I should write down some of my feelings here so that anyone who goes here (who i think is 2 people other than me at most) can know how im doing and also so i can keep log of my moods. Yesterday, I had a friend over. A guy that I have known since I was six months old. We have always been there for each other as advisors. He is one person who I can count on to let me know if I am deluding myself or not. We got to talking and after getting into several arguments over US policy and culture and a discussion of observations of Japanese in comparasion with Japanese immigrants (which was mostly me listening as he is only one of the 2 of us who actually went there) we came to the subject that we have always ended up on in every visit we have made with each other for that last 6 years. Women. We discussed my situation and his and came to a mutual conclusion. Women cause tremendous emotional pain and suffering to guys because the nature of any failed romantic venture is to not be pleasant. But then we agreed that for every man out there that there are many, many women that he could love and see as his soulmate and be able to live a perfectly happy life with. This made me happy because it made me realize how wrong things in the past have been and how right things in the future can be. I realize this may be enigmatic and cryptic, but oh well.
7-25-2002 at 10:39pm
Well, I just finished roleplaying online for about 2 hours. Not a whole lot happened. I am listening to Mr. Writer again. A great song... I like roleplaying because it gives me an oppurtunity to be something other than me. To have character strengths I lack and to be able to let leave behind all my problems and just enjoy existence even thought it is kinda depressing that i have to be someone else in order to do that. Oh well... I dont have a whole lot of vacation left, seeing as how i have to start my summer reading in about 6 days. Oh well... I need to write some more poetry and add some more to my book but by being isolated from everyone I dont exactly have any inspiration.
8-3-2002
Well, I am going in for surgery in a couple of days and have been thinking about my summer. I have been able to get together with my friends occasionally and those that i havent been able to see physically i have been able to see digitaly on AIM. Looking back on all the things i wanted to do this summer i am kinda disapointed. I havent written anything in my book (although i have now outlined it in entirity which is a pretty impressive feat if i do say so myself which i do...). I didnt even attempt to write that play. I havent started my summer reading although i might tomorrow and I havent been able to finish the song i was writing. I dont think i have written any poetry altough i did write some of my best prose while i was in portugal sitting all alone next to a river on the border. I may or may not post it. That would require typing it up and i am definitely against that (as that would be work which goes against everything that is my existence). Thats all for now folks. I will write more later. Peace.
8-9-2002
Well, it is a few days after my surgery (day 4) and i am doing ok. It went pretty well except that i am in some pain but that is what sweet vicadin is for. I had 5 incisions and for the more difficult part of the surgery i was awake. Well conscious is more like it. They took me out of anesthesia induced sleep so i could be awake enough to hold my tongue out of the way while they proceeded to finish the procedure. I will not describe the exact process or the sensations that i felt while awake because i would rather forget them and i think it would disturb you more than you would like to admit. For the first day i watched something like 3 movies and got addicted to a ps2 tennis game. The second day i woke up and had feeling in my mouth which meant pain which meant i took two vicadin (1-2 tablets every 4-6 hours) which meant i promptly went back to sleep. The next day was mainly spent on playing said ps2 game. Today, (day 4) i watched lord of the rings, played the ps2 game, and went online for the first time since my surgery. Keep in mind that this is big because the comp is all the way in a different room and i have barely gotten up since my surgery. Right now all i feel is general aching a severe stiffness. My lips were numb for a couple of days but now they are ok except the edges of my mouth. That's all for now folks.
8-21-2002
Well, I picked up my schedule today although I had had it for about a week. I have a hole in my schedule in 5th. That isnt good. I have classes with friends which is good. How should I explain what is on my mind? Over the last two days I have spent a lot of time with the girl that I think was interested in me. I have been trying to think about just what was going on. I even asked an irishman what he thought of the situation. I dont know for sure what is going on, but I think that things are pretty much over. This is just a guess. I dont know for sure. What do I base this on? Well, the only thing i can is on instinct. I have a gut feeling that she isnt interested (keep in mind i had this about my X before we went out, but i think i am getting better at reading women). I think I have slid too far into the friend position. Let this be a word to the wise. Do not wait too long. I think I might have, but as i look back, I think that the same end result would come up no matter what I had actively done. The whole she finding out about the existence of the original location of this page probably didnt help things ever but she never did get to the website. I am beginning to fully realize just how much I really was into her. I havent completely given up hope, but I am thinking that things are probably not coming up Robert. I am trying to be realistic. I might be overly harsh, but it is probably best for me to pull down my hopes before I let them float any higher (or else when they come crashing down, it could hurst a hell of a lot more). Things still dont entirely make sense, but I think that being confused is a state that I have always been with women. I dont think that i will ever fully understand women and I particularly dont think that i will ever fully understand this situation. Things just dont add up any way you cut it. Looking at what is the most likely answer (the one that has the fewest contradictions), I have come to a conclusion. She was kinda into me for awhile, but not incredibly. She got to know me and really liked me as a friend. A combination of moving too slowly, slipping into the role of friendship, and her natural feelings led to her not looking at me in a romantic light. She valued me much more as a friend than a romantic interest. So that is my conclusion, but do I know how to read women? I hope not.
8-22-2002
Yesterday, i was going through some of my old poetry and realized that I used to write a lot better than I do now. I think that the best theory for this is that right now I have shielded my emotions to create a general numbness to the world. Today, i realized something. I was sitting there not happy and not sad, just numb, and then the girl that I have been mentioning for the past few months came online and talked to me and made me feel really happy. The conversation was short and nothing important was said, but there is just something about the way that she is that makes me happier than I have ever been. Currently, I am trying to come to terms with the fact that nothing will ever happen while I am desperately hoping something will. I dont know. I think that her being my friend is far better than nothing at all. Think about it. Let's be realistic here. If this ever became a relationship, no matter how much I wished, hoped, and prayed, it probably wouldnt work out somewhere down the road with something unforeseen (because I mean just look at the odds of a high school relationship working out. they are astronomical). Then where would we be. We would be in the same awkward situation as I have with my X or worse. So looking at it, to add to my previous night's statement, I think that that realization probably played heavily into her decision making process. As far as what should I do, I have decided to follow my heart and not give up. As I said, I have gut feeling nothing will happen, but let's just say that my gut gives up a lot easier than my heart. Since the time I began to think nothing would happen i have really begun to realize just how much I am into her. So, for now, I will follow my heart and wont give up, but still....
Am I being pessimistic or realistic?
9-6-2002
I havent written for awhile because the year has just started and I have been busy with classes. It is currently 4:32 AM. Why am I on? I have been falling asleep much earlier than usual and waking up much earlier. My whole sleeping schedule is kinda messed up. Other days I kinda just lie in bed, but today I got up because I thought I might be able to catch someone online. So far... no one.
Today (the little that there has been of it), I have been reading some of my previous entries and thinking about what I have done for the last 2 years and have come to the decision that it all feels so far away. Some of those memories have melded together with those of junior high and elementary school. Some things are still quite real and unmelded though. Let me tell my story about the girl that I like...
(i will elaborate more later)
As I noted before I first noticed that she might even be slightly interested when she put her arm on mine. Then I proceeded to notice she was constantly looking at me and smiling. I took these as pretty sure signs that she was interested. So I gathered up the courage to ask her out and she said yes. However nothing ever became of it and later when I talked to her she had no recollection of the event at all. I had a mutual friend ask her what she thought about me and she told me that she liked me, but wasnt sure if it was just as a friend or not. Towards the end of the school year someone made her aware of this website and some others began to bug her about this. (i did not know this until later) She then became very angry at me and her and her friends refused to talk to me and I didnt have the slightest idea why. Then on the last day of school after not really talking to me for about a week she came and asked if I liked her. I told her yes and her response of "why" didnt exactly send my hopes soaring. She told me that she just wanted to be friends for now. Then we talked a few times online before we each went on international trips. When she got back, we got together and played tennis. Then she called me a couple times about various things like summer reading before summer started. Then as the year began we had no classes together. I had a schedule change to move into a smaller English class and ended up in Bio with her. We barely ever have a chance to talk. That is where I am. And yesterday she came by to talk to some people and didnt even really say hi to me. Although I was standing next to someone she isnt talking to.
I am a weird person. Am i just refusing to give up? She did say she just wanted to be friends and all. ... I guess when you just want something badly enough, you can completely forget the parts you dont want to know. I need to go and think for awhile I will post more later.
9-9-2002
Well, I have come to an inevitable decision. Nothing is going to happen between me and that girl. It sucks I know, but I have already kinda begun to start to look around again so that I can find the next girl to be rejected by (yes i am that optimistic). Currently, there are one or two that are interesting. One of them however would probably not be a good choice for undisclosed reasons. The other, I dont know nearly well enough to even begin to think about making any sort of move. Meanwhile, I have acquired a new friend recently. He seems pretty cool and rather trustworthy. He is a good friend of the girl that I just gave up on. I might give him this site, but i have only known him for awhile and I dont want someone to pull another Dimwitt on me later on.
9-17-2002, 9:40pm
Well, I dont know quite where to start. First an update on characters you already know. Well it turns out that today i found out that the girl that i gave up on has a bf which works out well for me because i have kinda moved on. It is like the universe is giving me a nice sense of closure and kicked me forward. Immediately after I gave up on that girl (a few days ago), I was spinning between interest in several girls, but yesterday I noticed one girl in particular (who wasnt one of the ones i was spinning around) and the more i think about her the more i like her. She is an incredibly fun person to be around and is quite beautiful. In fact, when i first met her during freshman year, i remember thinking that she was really cute, but way out of my league. I think that i could be incredibly happy with her. AND apparantly (as i have been told) she thinks i am cute, so we'll just have to wait and see what becomes of this, but Robert, for certain, is much more happy and hopeful than usual.
10-15-2002 8:22pm
Well, I havent updated for a month.... And a helluva lot happened. Well where to start... Let me read the previous entry.... OK... That girl which i mentioned is currently my girlfriend and making me happier than I can ever recall being. She is just so much fun and it makes me smile and happy just to think about her. Apparently, she likes me a lot too which just makes me happier. I still am Robert though (meaning i still feel really insecure all the time). Although this is fading. I still worry about a few things though. Firstly, I worry about being too clingy. Then i worry about being too distant. Then I worry that i am too dull of a guy. Next I worry that she isnt happy because i think i percieve that she is uncomfortable for a moment. and on and on and on and on....
Currently, I am coughing. a lot... I and my family think i have bronchitus. I am going to the doctor anyway on friday because of my head attack thingies. Since i didnt mention these before i had better do so now. Whenever I stand up I get a head rush. Not a little one but a big one. It has caused me to fall a couple of times and to kinda go into convulsions twice (both of which were a long time ago). It has kinda gotten better but a few days ago it happened at school for the first time and i decided i needed to go to the doctor. Since i might have bronchitus i might as well kill two birds with one stone. I have been sick for like 2 weeks and i dont get sick often. but i had to get sick now. i couldnt have gotten sick when i was depressed. Now my gf has to deal with a coughing, low energy half portuguse man and with all the crap that is me. I dunno i hope i get better soon. I also hope that things work out with me and my gf. I am really happy and most of all just dont want to F things up like i always do.
11-3-2002 10:37pm
Well, what am i up to? Well as of monday I will have been going out with Mel for one month. Ive been trying to think of what to do and have a few ideas. Things are going really well but of course i worry about a few things. I am constantly worrying about Mel deciding she isnt interested and "doesnt have enough time for me". I dunno. So now everytime she does or says anything that could in any way could considered distant (or maybe even not even that) I go into a spiral of worry. I just dont want to mess things up. Things are really going well for me for the first time in a while. Mel is such an incredibly amazing person and she makes me happy just to think about her. She is sick today though and she has been kinda held under lock and key lately because she got a kinda bad report card. She cant talk to me online or on the phone (but she was able to call me today while her dad was at work and her mom was at the post office) which really sucks because during the day i only get to see her for about 40 mintues spread across about 4 meetings. I miss her. That sucks though because it makes me worry that since we dont talk as much we will kind of grow apart or that she might lose interest. It bugs me and makes me worry... surprise surprise.
Ive been home alone for most of the day today but luckily now that i have my license i have been able to drive around and do some stuff. I got so bored i went out and bought scorpion king. It was actually a really good bad action movie. I liked it.
11-30-02 10:12pm
Well, first of all I made a mistake. It wasnt a month on the monday i described in the previous entry, it was the thursday after that. I was thinking 4 weeks and not a month. I was kinda out of it i guess. I am so happy I cant describe it. I got to spend time with Melanie during th big bone. She met Alf and I met Alf's new gf. It was so much fun even though we lost 14-15. I watched it on sport focus last night and it was even more annoying that we lost cuz they did an interview with the winning team. It wasnt that important though. It is much more important that i got to spend 3 hours with my arms around melanie. She was kinda sick yesterday. She was down about a few things yesterday and she called me. She said she wasnt having a good day. Well she did go shopping the day after thanksgiving so its not really a surprise that she had a bad day. I just hope that i was able to cheer her up a bit. She seemed to cheer up. I care about her so much, when she called up I could tell she was sad and it felt like a thousand thorns in my stomache.
I get to see her tomorrow which makes me happy. Her dad is going to come and pick me up and we are all 3 going to go to valley fair. I am looking forward to it. I miss her...
2-12-03 7:25pm
I know its been a long time. Well i finally felt a real urge to talk about something. Well, I am really down today and i finally realized why. Ive been thinking and this year is going by so fast. In just a couple months i wont be able to see Mel very much. Its really getting to me. I can barely go a few days without seeing her, let alone the weeks that i will have to after she graduates. Its finally starting to hit me that i wont be able to see her very often after just a few short months and then next year, when i go off to college ill only be able to see her even less. I love her so much. It hurts to be away from her now and i just saw her a few hours ago. I dont know how im going to be able to do it. I see how stephanie and brandon barely see each other and it hurts me cuz i know thats whats going to happen.... I never really wanted to think about it and now that it has hit me in the face, i am almost in tears. I love Mel so much...
4-7-03 5:47pm
Well this weekend was daylight savings time so i had to go to school an hour early... stupid farmers. I have been reading some of my friends blogs and all of a sudden i felt a sudden urge to do some writing of my own. This weekend (on saturday) I took my SATs. I really feel i did quite well. I want to get at least a 1500 so i could have beat Paul by 200 points. Stupid Paul da Silva.
Today was good. It was Mel and my 6-months today. She makes me so happy. The only problem was that i barely got to see her today. I had to go to stupid GSA. Well history was pretty good today. We degraded into discussing whether a guy would report getting raped by a woman which led to Zuhair's great line "why would you report getting laid?" and then asnavi proceeded to ask Mr Shores wheter or not he would report it if a woman raped him and he said that he was not only inappropriate but also offensive. It was pretty funny. Today during 3rd my dad forgot about me again and i was sitting outside for most of the period. During 4th I had Carlisle but he wasnt there so we watched a movie that was pretty interesting about early Homo sapiens. I cant help feeling that that class is way to easy and that im going to be regretting it next year. We still havent done group 4. English was fun as usual and Econ was ok cuz Danny, Nick, and I went to the computer lab to do a survey but pretty much just screwed around for half an hour. For portuguese (a class I so wanted to cut) it was business as usual. In tennis we pretty much just screwed around but Clarence and I ended up playing a set which i won 6-4 hehe. I beat a cripple.
I have some stuff I have to do now so until next time (which will much sooner and more frequent since now ive decided to make this into a kind of a blog instead of a jornal). So until next time......
4-8-03 6:30pm
Today i was pretty down. I dont know why. I just was really missing Mel and feeling bad cuz we werent able to spend that much time together. I love her so much. She makes me so happy, but all i wanted to do today was hold her close to me. I didnt want to go to class or leave or play tennis. I just wanted to hold her. When i hold her everything feels so great. Its a time when i dont have to worry about anything. I dont obsess. I just feel so warm and loved and perfect. Its a feeling i never really got as a child. Its a feeling of utter peace and safety. Its a feeling of utter love. And when i am holding her i know that there is nothing in the world that i need except for her. I dunno, today i just really felt like i needed to hold her (more so than other days). I love her so much.
4-9-03 7:54pm
Today was the National Day of Silence. I had to be quiet which was especially difficult cuz i couldnt tell Mel that i loved her. She is so great. She makes me so unbelievably happy. I dont know where i would be without her. Today i was down cuz i got lost in math, took 45 minutes for 1 vocab question, and got lost in an econ test. I am going to play tomorrow with Cong instead of Jaime so that should be interesting. Mel is going to come watch :). That makes me happy. It means i get to spend time with her after my match. Last time we spent almost two hours holding each other while sitting in my folding chair. It was so nice. I cant wait to see her tomorrow. She is everything to me. I love her so much. Lately ive been so stressed but shes been there for me. Even after all my paranoid delusions, ramblings, and annoying self-deprecation. I honestly dont know how she puts up with me. O well. until next time.......... here are some
4-10-03 6:36pm
Why do we need to learn conics? It seems so useless.
Jaime: Well think of it like this. Its like Darth Vader killing people. He doesnt have to but he does it just because he can.
Me: So rotating conics will help me kill people....? ....excellent.....
I had a pretty good day today. I am feeling a lot better. I got some sleep. Last night woke up around 11:30pm after i fell asleep at 10pm and i felt really rested. I could have gone to school right then. The problem is that after i fell asleep and woke up again I was so much more tired. That makes no sense to me. O well. History was ok but Pereira decided to give us yet another assignment. I dont think that it will be too bad. Its not too long. Shores was another adventure in rotating conics. My dad actually remembered me during 3rd. 4th was ok but not very productive. 5th was just work time. I did some work on my oral. 6th was normal econ. I was all set to go to my tennis match when i heard it was cancelled so i had to go to my stupid dads stupid class. Afterwards i found Mel and we went and watched a track meet with Ms. K. It was pretty fun. Im feeling much better now altough i really think Im bugging Mel too much with all my annoying little idiosyncacies like how i have to insult myself all the time... I dunno. I feel a lot less stressed now so maybe ill stop. I love her so much and i am always so afraid that she is just going to get sick of me cuz i am driving her crazy. I dunno. Its just that when you have something that is so amazingly wonderful, you worry that you might lose it and despite the fact that i love her and i know she loves me, i still worry sometimes.
4-14-03 9:12pm
Why do you need to learn how to do these things [rotating conics]? -Mom
Because Mr Shores is scared to death that one day one of his students will be stuck on a desert island and need to rotate conics in a life or death situation and if they fail everyone will ask who their math teacher was and theyll say "Mr. Shores" and theyll die cursing his name.... -Me
Well, Ive spent the last hour reading the blogs of my friends and i cant help but feel like Ive missed so much and neglected them. I dunno. I am such an all or nothing kind of person. I get swept up in things and before i know it Ive lost something i can only regret like a friendship. I think ive done this to Zac. I really think ive done irreparable harm to our friendship and i just dont know. I just dont have that much time. I barely get to see Mel and im constantly longing for her, but at the same time i barely get to see my friends. I really dont know how to reconcile the problems. Despite what i do to get out of portuguese club, i cant be in two places at the same time. I just love her so much.
4-15-03 9:24pm
I think I finally have this conic rotatiing stuff... -Me
But you dont rotate the parabola at the vertex, the hub of roatation is at the origin so you.... Mr Shores
What the hell are you talking about Mr Shores -Me
I'm a protractosaur. I rotate conics. -Danny the Protractosaur
Well I wrote about half of my first world lit paper tonight. Ill do the rest tomorrow. Mel is busy writing an essay for English. Im tired and kinda just want to go to sleep. I am looking forward to the end of this week. It will mark one done World lit paper, international day (which equals an hour with Mel) and then on friday i get my SAT scores and i get to go play dnd. I dunno. I really want to get a 1500 so i can say i beat jaime at something but that does seem unlikely. I walked out of the test feeling really good but i know that almost everyone does that so i dunno. I am going to pay $13 to get my scores by friday instead of 10 days later. That is such a racket. This service costs them nothing. Its just me reading it online. That is such BS. Dont tell me collegeboard is a non-profit organization. As non-profit as Microsoft or Enron maybe.
Today was ok. Nothing spectacular happened. I played a tennis match and lost again. I dunno we should have done better but i just wasnt in it, you know. i dunno. I double-faulted an awful lot. Yesterday was much better when our entire econ class waited outside the class until the late bell rang then we walked in singing happy birthday to Mr. Hawkins (it wasnt his birthday). He said "I dont tell my wife what goes on at school cuz i honestly dont think she would believe me." He also says a good way to remember the words ocalate and oscillate is "after you oscalate, hopefully you get to oscillate". That is hiliarous and even more so if you know Mr. Hawkins. Everone should know Mr. Hawkins. He is a great teacher and a great man. One good thing about the tennis match is that i got out of class at 1:30 pm so i didnt have to go to Portugese... hehe. Im feeling pretty good today cuz i did a lot of work already. I really think im so lazy that i wont continue to write today. Either that or ill just stop in mid-sent...... ( i am aware that typing the elipses and this note is in fact more work than having finishing the sentence. Thank you, Mr Point-Outey-Face.)
4-15-03 9:41pm
An addendum: The racket i was referring to in the lines "I am going to pay $13 to get my scores by friday instead of 10 days later. That is such a racket." I was not referring to a tennis racket. This addendum is for clarity's sake. Thank you. Just to make sure.... ::confused and bewildered as to why this addendum was written by hey why is anything written [::decides to stop talking to Mr. Claws on the Phone::]::
4-25-03 1:24pm
I had to check my computer's calendar to figure out what day today was. Thats how my spring break has been. I havent really been caring too much about the outside world. Ive had so much fun. Ive gotten to see Mel almost everyday (except today) and i had my bday. Im 17. Yeah. it feels about one year older than 16 and about 2 years older than 15. I can now drive other people legally which is cool. I already have driven brandon to gregs for DND and have driven mel a few places. On my birthday we went miniature golfing. I have no idea why i wanted to go miniature golfing. I have done it a few times and it was always fun and when mel said that she had never done it before i really wanted to do it. We also ended up playing air hockey before and after chili cheese fries which i had for the first time. id had chili, fries, and cheese but never in such a wonderful trinity. On wendesday I went to inspect houses with mels dad. he bought me a new jumpsuit to go under the building with him. For my bday he gave me a ratchet set, a jumpsuit, lunch, a season pass to the santa cruz beach board walk, and he tried to give me $100 which i just handed to mel (she later gave me 20 for my tux). he is so cool and i think he really likes me which is pretty cool. I like him a lot more than my dad in a lot of ways. he is a lot nicer and talks to me much more. I kinda wish he was my dad if it wasnt for the whole me-mel relationship would be incestuous but man... what a great VC andrews book that would make. Yesterday i went to an all you can eat Korean BBQ with mel and her dad. It was fun but you had to cook your own food which worried me cuz there was chicken and i was freaking out about salmonella but o well. I ate well and didnt need dinner. Today im supposed to do working. I watched a bunch of econ lectures in review for my IB test and am currently listening to my new Pete Yorn CD. I love Pete Yorn, his cds are always less than 10 dollars and they are great. I changed my AIM profile so now it has "Here, There and Everywhere" by the Beatles in it cuz i was listening to the song on the way home from Mel's and decided that it was the perfect song. I recently came up with a name for Mel that i really liked but i found out that her parents used to use it once and a while on her. I personally feel like that takes almost all the magic away from the name. I wanted the name to be special, unique, and something that made her happy when she heard it. The name was perfect when i said it it made my mouth turn in upon itself in giddy happiness the same way i feel when i see her and i came up with it spontaneously. It was perfect but i dunno. it just doesnt seem the same now that someone else has used it with her. The fact that it was her parents might add a little extra to it but still. I just wanted something unique to share with her. I dunno.
A couple of days ago mel and i were at the mall eating at arbys (which has mozzarella sticks that im addicted to thanks to mel jk) and jaime got our attention. he was with amy. apparently they are together. i came to this conclusion before i had it confirmed by jaime because when we were talking to them jaime said that they had seen 2 movies and could only vaguely describe one of them as having something to do with "being most wanted" and amy was just smiling. it was pretty hilarious. I was talking to Jaime about it and i was thinking that he has to be 3-4 times her size. The sunglasses that fit Mr. Claws fit amy. She at most can weigh 80 pounds (most likely in between 60-80). i weigh about 190 and am 5-6 inches shorter than jaime and am not much thicker than him if im thicker at all so i guessed him to be about 240. Im not good with weights but that is a lot more than jaimes estimate of her only being half his size. O well. that doesnt matter. I just wish them the best of luck and happiness. I hope that he gets all the happiness that i have with Mel. He really does deserve it more than anyone. He is one of the nicest people youll ever meet and despite all his awesome gifts he is so humble. I am privilaged to know him. Sometimes i dont know how i deserve my happiness but ive always known that he does. Im just tired and lazy. We got a new dishwasher installed today since the old one caught fire last friday (the 18th). I came home around 10:30pm to find a fire truck parked in front of the house. I was sufficiently freaked since no one bothered to call me to tell me what was happening. Paul walked up to the car in a way that could have been interpreted as nonchalant or weighing how he was going to give me bad news. It was bad times, but luckily everything was ok and no one was hurt and nothing was damaged other than the dishwasher. That just made everyone have to rush the next day (the day of bday party with the whole family coming over) very hectic. We had to get rid of the dishwasher (which i accidently keep calling the washing machine). I wanted to leave it outside and write "happy birthday Robert" on it. then it could have been a birthday machine... When we were dissembling it, Paul wanted to hit it with a rubber mallet when asked why he said "how many times in my life am i going to be able to hit a dish washer with a hammer?". We agreed that the number would be very few so we let him hit it a few times. Mels dad thought that that was hilarious. He said something to the effect of thats where a Berkeley education gets you. The party went well and Mel got to meet my whole family which i know was stressful for her but i think it wet over well. i love her so much and really do you want her to get to know the family that i hope she will become a part of someday.
This break has been great. Ive had a lot of fun. I just have none... well... NO WORK AT ALL... which is bad but o well. ill get it done. i just hope i have enough time to be with mel some more. I think on saturday im going to go help her family friend move in. I helped him move out and he grossly overpaid me so im going to try to not let him do that again. i had to take the money last time cuz he had given it to mels dad and he didnt tell us until after we had left. That guy was a lawyer, which is a job im interested in. I would like to be a teacher, lawyer, or professor. But not a criminal lawyer. I dont want that stress. being a high school teacher would be the most fun but would pay the worst and a professor would be good but would be much more work so i dunno. it does have more pay and prestige. I would enjoy doing any of the jobs and wouldnt do one for just money but that is a consideration. The 3 month vacation is very attractive, especially if mel decdies to be a teacher too. (she is considering architect, elementary teacher, or a real estate agent). I should probably get around to doing some work eventually, but ... eh...
4-28-03 7:31pm
Back in the good old days, I sure didnt sleep with a teddy bear -Mr Shores
Well today i had to go back to school. YES! It really wasnt that bad. My shoulder was really aching all day cuz i must have overexerted it doing something this weekend. I was moving boxes and sinking piers for our new mini-deck and stuff. Right now my cat is being really cute. He keeps doing the cutest poses. My mom says that he wants to surf the net. Mel says i should let him but monitor him carefully so he doesnt look at feline porn. I mean i dont want him to get on any lists... I said that he can wait his turn like everyone else. I got to see my Melanie today. I love her so much. I also got to be with some of my friends too. I got to talk to Jaime who i think has a girlfriend (its ok that i dont really know cuz he doesnt either). I spent all lunch with them which is something i should do more often cuz i feel like ive grown too far apart. I also talked to Zac for a little while. He wants to spened $75 on a fadora and asked me if it was worth it. Personally i find that a little pricey. School was ok. I didnt do much. Ms K said my essay was too verbose and i kinda have to agree. I was getting lazy and tired and just wanted to finish it. Oh well... Tennis was ok. I hit pretty well considering that i havent played for 10 days. I wore my sleeveless Portugal shirt for the first time. I like how it looks and it might help me get rid of my farmers tan. I did almost severely hurt myself. I moved up and then back really quickly. I ended up falling onto my tailbone and then doing a reverse somersault somehow. It really didnt hurt very much and i dont think i could do it again if i tried. I had Jaime try to explain how it happened. He said my forward momentum became angular momentum. Jaime is a great guy. Im so happy for him. I just hope that things work out well for him. he deserves to be happy more than anyone i know. Mel isnt going to be at school tomorrow but ill probably go see her after school. Ill have the car for the next 2 days. cool. Im going to miss her at school though. I saw her everyday of this vacation and called her everynight. I love her so much. I just hope that im not too clingy. I also hope conversely that im not putting her too off to the side by talking to my friends more often. Mel keeps telling me that im not but i still worry. I want to talk to them cuz its been a long time. I dont want her to ever feel like she's second. Today i was in the middle of talking to Jaime cuz i really needed to. We had a lot of things to talk about. Including a very long and interesting story. I dunno. I just feel like ive spent too long away from them and that ive grown apart from them. But now im trying to fix that.
4-29-03 8:12pm
What Mr. Shores? Didnt you sleep with a Teddy bear back in the good ol' days? -Zuhair
Back in the good old days, I didnt sleep with a teddy bear... -Mr Shores
::Continuous laughter:: -Me
Well today wasnt too good of a day cuz Mel didnt go to school. She had some stuff she had to take care of. It felt so weird to go through the day without seeing her, without waiting for her after classes. Im just so used to it. I love her so much. I went and hung out with her after school until about 4:30pm when she had to go to school for a study session with Ms Seabury. I was going to stay and wait for her until 6pm but i had to get going. No one was even there. Brett and Danny were there until 5 but after that i was just wandering around and my dad caught up to me and told me to go home so i did. Today was ok besides that terrible aching feeling i felt all day cuz Mel wasnt there. I had an English test that i worried about that turned out to be really easy. I talked to Jaime and Art about their girl situations. I had a great "I told you so moment" with Jaime cuz i told him he would get a girlfriend by the end of the year and he didnt believe me. I tried to get Art to make some kind of move with the Vi thing but i understand why he hasnt cuz ive been there before. Not much else of particular note. That will be all.
5-07-03 7:33pm
So much to say....
First of all, what I didnt write yesterday cuz i didnt have time:
Yesterday I had my first IB test in Econ. It was multiple choice and i didnt feel very good coming out of, especially after Danny's repeated statements of how easy it was. I was comforted by the fact that I could miss up to 12 questions out of 40 and still recieve a 7 for that section. I came home and decided to get to work on my literary report card project for English and I even said "I had better get started while I still can". I dont know why i said that or why i got started but im glad i did cuz the internet was down and i was able to use my extra time to remedy the situation. I had nearly completed it at school and left it in my email account. With no internet, it was impossible to reach and that would have meant starting from scratch. I was very upset. Fortunately, I was able to get it back to work.My mom told me that someone must have been watching over me which i found odd cuz to me it seemed like someone was out to screw with my head, but after i thought about it i agreed with her. Had i not checked early, it would have been too late to go through the timely process of trying to fix it and still have time to finish it. I was very tired and have been cuz ive had to wake up early. The previous night i just went home and fell asleep almost immediately with no studying... great... I also played a tennis match and won for the second straight time. This time our team didnt win but we did. Mel stayed and watched. It was a lot of fun. I love her so much.
Today:
Today I had my second IB test which started off by watching several guys fight in the underpass by the little gym and watching the supervisor meekly say "stop that... stop that" until someone else came to break it up. I hate grossly incompetent people... Meanwhile, less than 20 feet from her, there was a baseball bat and a knife with its handle wrapped in duct tape lying right next to her. When my dad came in and told us that we were about to start the test, we told him about it and he said the knife was plastic and tested it with his foot. It was metal. Then he quickly took it to one of the security people at the school and we started our test.... I think i did really well. i wrote 17 pages in 2 hours. That is a page every 7 and half minutes. I was pretty impressed with myself. Then later, after a lazy day at school where i was barely able to stay awake, I was waiting in my dad's car and i got a call from Amy about Jaime. I told her that i would go looking for him. I went to franky's, bonfare, the mexican food place, the donut shop, and the pizza place. He wasnt anywhere. I just happened to be walking towards the vending machines cuz i was unusually craving some soft drinks (unusual for me) when Jaime pulls up around the corner behing my back and calls my name. I turn and see him and quickly direct him towards the bus turn around. I promptly tell him that Amy has been looking for him, call her and hand him the phone. It was a matter of uncanny timing. Its a lot of weird stuff. In case you havent noticed I have italicized the 7's cuz i hope i got a 7 on my IB test. Another 7 is that today is Mel and my 7 month aniversary. I unfortunately forgot cuz ive been so stressed but she forgot until she started her bio test which lasted until after school. So many 7's. I hope its more than Paul da Silva who got a 6 despite his bday of 7-7-83. Im not a superstitious person but i am a fatalist (essentially that means that i believe in fate). There is just so much that couldnt just be chance. I came to this school in a misguided notion that i would get to be with my father more. i should have known better... but anyway i left all my friends to come here. I went from a A, B, and C student to a straight A student. I became popular and was able to lose 50 pounds. I joined Wrestling on a whim. A very odd whim since it ended up giving me so much more work. This led me to meet Brandon who later got together with Stephanie who used to be in my chem class. I also joined Mock trial for some bizarre reason again (in another uncharacteristic move towards more work) and thats where i first met the keeper of my heart and soul, Melanie. I entered my first relationship (which was just her wanting to say that she was with someone, she never did get around to telling me that...)which taught me a lot about myself and matured me very quickly. I lost a lot of my naive thoughts of how the world worked. It finally made me ready for a real relationship. While with my first gf, I talked to Stephanie and we got to know each other. After that was mercifully ended, I had a crush on a girl that Stephanie knew, this increased the friendship of Stephanie and me and also taught me some more things about myself to even better prepare me for a real and serious relationship. Then I was on the market for a little while and had several girls like me at the same time for the first time which gave me confidence and an actual level of self-esteem for the first time in my life. Then when i was in the middle of this, Mel (who I had had a crush on but never had the nerve in a million years to tell) broke up with her boyfriend. This allowed me to tell my friend Brandon that I thought that i liked her which led him to immediately reply that he had just found out (that day or the day before) that she thought i was cute. Then after a short waiting time, Stephanie pronounced us boyfriend and girlfriend. After that started the greatest period of my life, my life with Mel. Everything in my life has led me to being with Mel and it just all feels so right. I have found happiness in its purest form.
I love Mel so much. These have been such a great 7 months. They have been the best of my life. I am the luckiest man in the world because i get to look forward to many many more. She is the best thing in my life.
5-8-03 6:40pm
Well a couple of things. First of all something that i meant to say yesterday but forgot. The thing that made me think about fate and realize all the little variables that had to go such a certain way so that i could now be with Mel was the Movie Signs. It is a great movie and i highly recommend it. Im now too tired to do any more writing. I fell asleep in Econ and will sleep NOW.
6-2-03 7:57pm
YES, come one baby...-Mr Shores in ectasy over a succesful green globs graph (a game with 13 random dots where you attempt to graph a function that catches as many of them as possible)
It has been so long. Im sorry to anyone who takes the time to read this. Things have been going great. Its finally june and the year is almost over. I personally am not to excited. The end of the year will mark the end of seeing Mel everyday. That really does bug me. I love her so much and i dont like to be away from her for the time that i already have to. Other things, i finished and gave mel her present, it was an afghan. Yes, i actually did learn how to crochet. She really liked it. Unfortunately, it wasnt the best present of her bday. She got a car (although the car has had some trouble cuz her dad overheated it). Its a BMW. How can i compete with a BMW. A few days ago Jaime came into my 7th (my dads class) and interrupted it to talk to me. He wanted to make sure that the name for him and amy was Jaimy (Hey-me) and my dad just let him cuz he is his golden boy. I really like jaime but my dad is obsessed with him. It really is just though cuz jaime is the only person i have ever known who is deserving of that kind of treatment. He is a really great guy. Im tired now. I didnt really get to rest this weekend and i just learned how to drive stickshift. Mel's dad taught me. I think he really likes me and that is very cool. Ill stop for now.
7-10-03 8:18pm
Im sorry that ive been such a lazy bastard. I dont know if anyone is even reading this anymore. The school year ended and i havent really been up to too much. The school year ended and i havent gotten into any major tiffs with my parents. I just got really upset with them after they left for dinner without me after we had planned out where we were going to go. (They only had to wait 15 more minutes... but enough with that... out with the bad... in with the good). I added a link to my poetry at the bottom of this page. Paul had his bday party and it was fun. Mel was invited. It was pretty fun. Mel and I have been together for the happiest 9 months of my life. In two days im leaving for the East coast and i wont be back for 2 weeks. ive never gone that long without seeing mel and am not looking forward to it very much. Its hard for me to go a few hours. i dont know how ill do 2 weeks. Ill probably just finally get around to doing my Extended essay work. Speaking of IB, i got my econ score, the same as Paul but not as high as Danny. Im happy for danny but at the same time upset cuz he beat me. He did earn it cuz he actually did work while i did nothing. I think i beat him in a lot of ways cuz i never opened the econ book and still got a 6. Despite all those who criticize him, Mr hawkins is a great teacher and man.
9-22-03 9:08pm
Wow, its been a long time. Last Friday (the 19th) was a bad day. I ended up getting lost and locking my keys in the car. O well. I didnt do any EE until fairly recently. This year is going really well. I have decided to go to Santa Clara instead of Berkeley and Major in Math. This is a quick entry. More later. Its too late for me now. I sleepy.
11-17-03 7:53am
Well, im sitting in history typing on Arts computer. He kept bugging me to update and i figured i should. things have been going really well but have been slow. I went to homecoming and had a relatively good time but there was some bad news in the midst. within 2 days 3 alumni and/or students were killed. I honestly dont know how to feel about it. I ve never really had any experience with death but luckily i didnt know any of them. I know that sounds sick but its true. Unfortunately, mel kinda knew one of them. Its sick to not care as much if a stranger dies but its human nature. A lot of work to do with school and college apps. I gtg now...
4-9-04 7:35 pm
Well, happy new year everybody who i know isnt reading. Today marks the beginning of my easter vacation. Its been a rather emotional week this wekk. The 7th was mel and my year and a half and we couldnt do anything cuz i had too much work to do. That night i found out that the reason it was taking me so long to finish my work was because the base size on my new laptop was 10 which meant that my 2 page english paper quickly became a 3 page paper and my 2.5 page history paper quickly became 4 pages. On thursday, the tennis team had a match to determine who was number one in the league. We lost 3-4. I won my match but it was so close. The final match played was steveo and asnavis. They had so much pressure on them everyone from both teams was watching them. it was a tie breaker. steve threw a hard serve cuz he knew he had to get the point won and it went out. Then i can only imagine what went through his head, knowing that he has a high percentage of double faults. he must have been sweating bullets as he threw his last serve which missed despite his best efforts. It wasnt steves fault we lost, it was the whole teams'. We got lax when we saw that we were pulling ahead because early on we were beating them on all courts quite soundly. Steve was in agony after the match and no one can blame him.
I got into UC berkeley and thats where ive finally decided that im going to go. Im going to room with clarence which should be fun because we both get along together and i think we are both laid back enough that we wont get into fights. We will also be able to play tennis which is good for the health and the game. Mr. Shehee is retiring this year cuz his heart is giving him some problems and tennis is too stressful. yesterday must definitely have been a stressful day for him. o well. its all been very stressful and to top it off. today i placed on online order and there are some problems cuz i got two confirmation emails with two different order numbers. i hope i dont get double billed and recieve twice the shipment. Arthur has been having some bad times. He had his laptop in his backpack, slipped fell and broke his laptop and sliced open his hand on some glass. The next day he got food poisoning. I have been talking to ms k a lot and i really like her. she is a great teacher and a friend. i decided that danny and i probably shouldnt be roomates for a lot of reasons: we would probably get at each other's throats, and the 3 person rooms are the size of the 2 person rooms and only very slightly cheapers. Currently im waiting for clarence to get back to me about his dorm room prefernces. he's been worrying about money and i hope he can still be my roommate. o well. Lately i havent had that much time but this vacation i hope to get some rest. I havent had a chance to write or do much at all creatively so o well. I saw Equus, the movie before i read the play and i really liked the movie. im thinking of adding it to my birthday list. We are already preparing for my bday party. o well, so many things, so little time.
Paths
Email me at GrandMasterTemplar@angelfire.com
