Rick Moranis

"Honey, I think I see my penis!"
 		Name: Rick Moranis
Age: 69 in Canadian years
Occupation: Who knows what the fuck he does now. I heard he's collaborating with the Beastie Boys on a hot new track for their new album
Hobbies: Sitting around in his boxer shorts, comparing height with Michael J. Fox, looking through the telephone book for people with the last name "Dong," and posing for every picture using his fuck faces
Famous Friends: Everyone from Canada, everyone from the United States, the moving half of Christopher Reeve, Spiderman, Reese Witherspoon, and Randy Quaid
Favorite Position: the investigator
Why Worship Rick?: He's slowly breaking the stereotype of Canadians as horsefucking mounties

Rick Moranis, not Alanis Morrisette, Canadian profile

To pay tribute to this Canadian legend, I figure I'd type in red, the official color of Canada.

I hate starting off these profiles with some lame ass stories about the celebrity's childhood. Yeah, so Rick was molested, arrested, and he protested the festered. When you're the first person born on an ice rink during the middle of a hockey game, it's bound to happen to you.

Anyprimadonnas, Rick Moranis invented a lot of cool shit we use everyday, like fun dip, and foam fingers. He also perfected a dildo recipe that made him millions. All of this before the age of 12. That meant that his parents took all the money for themselves, built up gambling debts, and did bizarre things with bottles of Labatt Blue. They disowned Rick when he was 14.

Cheap shit Rick, as he was known in the homeless shelter as, sought refuge in America, the home of the drunks, the land of the free beer. He got a job washing the floor every friday night after the weekly "urine distance olympics."


"AAAH! Not another season of Sports Night!"

With the face of a winner and piss stains on his pants, Rick saved enough money and swam to America. He made it to the Statue of Liberty. That bitch looked at Rick and said "Stop looking up my toga. Go back to Canada. Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200."

Rick returned to Canada. Rather than hanging himself, Rick chose to torture himself. This is why he did SCTV. It wasn't all bad. He met his best friend and threesome buddy, Dave Thomas, while doing the show. Tired of being stereotyped by Americans as mounties, they created their famous beer drinking duo. This duo focused on every other stereotype.

"Screw Rick," exclaims Dudley Do Right. "People used to hate Canada because of me. Now they hate it because it's fucking cold. Thanks for breaking the stereotype, chicken head!"


Dudley Do right could funnel a wine cooler down his anus for all Rick cared. Rick had a dream job. However, wanted to do his thing in America. That and go to "McDonalds" instead of an "eh, McDonalds."

Soon after Americans let the Canadanese into the country, Rick ventured to Maine, got some maple syrup, then hitchhiked to Hollywood.

Rick landed a bunch of roles. He was in "Foot Fetish" magazine, did some super 8 films with Corey Feldman, nothing too big. Rick wanted a role where he would not be spotlighted as a Canadian. Fortunately, Lady Luck came to him one day.

Lady Luck slapped Rick in the face. A small green man by the name of Slimer went to see if he was ok. The two of them chatted, scatted, and bebopped. Slimer gave Rick the number of a casting director that was casting for a new movie called Ghostbusters.

Rick had no clue how to work a phone, so Slimer dollyed him down to the studio. They loved Rick so much that they could just eat him. They didn't of course. Slimer called dibs first. Rick got the job as Louis Tully, Dana's spaz of a neighbor.


"Oh, fuck! Here comes Roseanne. I told you we should've dressed up like fallopian tubes instead."

"I had to transform into a dog in this movie. It was a real stretch for me, too. Plus, I had to do it naked. I didn't want anyone seeing my doggie balls. After that, I decided no more animal nudity."

Rick followed up Ghostbusters with the game "Altered Beast," where he did more animal nudity.

"Ok, I know I said no more animal nudity, but that was the last time."

He also was the dog in "My best friend was a Vampire," in which more animal nudity was involved.

"Alright, fine. There's probably going to be more animal nudity. Everyone gets to see Rick's naked animal ass. Are you happy now? Now, if you don't mind, I have to buy some condoms."

His role in "Honey I Shrunk the Kids" cost Rick a bit more than he expected. He accidentally shrunk his penis with the ray. It didn't matter, though. The porn market was already dominated by Tony Danza. He wouldn't have had a chance anyway.

Now, Rick spends his time doing stuff. I think he just plays video games in his boxers. Wait, that's what I do. I'm sure he's doing something now. Probably back in Canada where he doesn't have to use an air conditioner. I heard Air Man from Mega Man 2 lives up in Cranada.


Links to other celebrities...
JD Roth
Tony Randall
Natalie from Sports Night
Fred The Baker
Princess Stevenson
Christopher Walken
Rick Moranis


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