Show me the meaning of being lonely

Disclaimer: These characters belong to Aaron Sorkin and the other people at NBC. And the song is not mine either.

This story is set a few months after Noel, but the episodes after it never happened. This is also a sequel to I'll be, and it picks up a month after that left off.

Show me the meaning of being lonely

By Mer

Part 1

I was having one of those good days. I was in an excellent mood and my wife was still my assistant. I still was gleeful that she agreed to marry me and there was even sort of a bounce to my step. For the first time in a long time, I was enjoying life again. And later I was even going to get to take a limo ride with the President. All I had to do was grab a file off my desk and then head to the oval office.

"Josh, I can't believe that you could be so cruel." My wife/assistant Donna yelled as she came into my office.

"Um, what did I do?" I asked, even though I was afraid of the answer.

"What did you do? You mean to tell me that you don't know?" Donna exploded.

I glanced up from the file I had been glancing over and gave her a weak smile. Donna responded by slamming my office door shut. The force caused everything to rattle. Donna was rarely ever this mad at me. I knew that my good day was pretty much shot to hell.

"This is what you did." She yelled angrily as a notepad came whizzing by my head. "I can't believe you, you bastard."

"Donna," I began calmly as I bent down to pick up the said notepad. "I'm …"

"You're what sorry? Ha." Donna said spitefully after she cut me off.

For the first time I was able to see what could be causing some of her anger, the notepad had a little stick figure of her ex, not to mention deceased, boyfriend Robbie. The reason that she knew it was him, was because I had stupidly chosen to write the name Robbie right under it. And there were a few words around it that expressed my distaste for the man. But in my defense I had done this well over a month ago, before we were married and before Robbie died.

"Donna, I can explain this." I said calmly.

"Oh sure you can. Here you go and marry me, telling me that you are going to be the man of my dreams, that all my problems will be solved. When the real reason is that you were trying to eliminate the competition from my mind." She screamed.

"Donna that's not true. I married you because I loved you and I wanted to be a part of your baby's life. I loved you from the day you walked into my office and gave yourself your job as my assistant." I said soothingly.

"Oh yeah. You hated Robbie, Josh. You probably threw a victory party when he died. Hell, you probably arranged the crash." Donna yelled.

My ears were really beginning to ring from Donna's screaming. I must admit I was glad Donna couldn’t move to Germany with him. But I was saddened when he died, because of what his death did to Donna. She was blind with rage at the moment, so she wasn't listening to anything I was saying. It must have been something to do with her hormones, because she was pregnant.

"I was saddened by Robbie's death. And I did not cause it to happen." I said quietly, not to mention the fact that my cousin Amy, Joanie's best friend had also died in that plane crash.

"Oh I'm sure you were. Robbie gave you the opportunity to come riding in on your big white horse. He died and left me with child, so you took it upon yourself to marry me and raise his child." Donna yelled in a sarcastic tone that I swear should've broken some glass.

"Donna, I married you because I love you and I love your child, our child. I would give my life to protect both of you from harm. I would have married you even if you weren't pregnant." I stated gently.

"I doubt that. Josh I know your ego and how you can think much beyond yourself, and your needs." Donna shot back.

Donna's words were starting to fill up with venom. She was more than just yelling at me. Right now she was tearing me to shreds, piece by piece. I didn't know how much longer I could stay calm about this.

"Donna, I love you and our baby with all of my heart. I'm sorry that Robbie died, I really am. But I am not glad that he did. Having almost died myself, I wouldn't wish that on anyone." I said softly.

"Maybe you should've died." Donna yelled back.

"I…" I was speechless I had no comeback for that.

Donna wished I had been killed when I got shot. Oh boy, something was definitely not right there. I knew that I should say something in response to that, but I was afraid of sticking my foot in my mouth. I looked over at Donna and her eyes flashed with anger.

"I bet you would be angry if I wanted Robbie's name on the birth certificate." She said accusingly.

"His name can be listed as the father if you want." I replied, even though it was breaking my heart.

"Sure." Donna said sarcastically.

"Donna, I hate to cut this short but I have to go to a fundraising lunch with the President. Can we continue this later?" I asked calmly.

"I hope you die. I hope you get hit by a car or something." Donna replied angrily.

"I love you and I hope you don't mean that." I said as I tried to give her a kiss good-bye.

"Well, I'm damn serious about that." Donna responded as she twisted away from me.

So many words for the broken heart
It's hard to see in a crimson love
So hard to breath
Walk with me and maybe
Nights of light so soon become
Wild and free I can feel the sun
Your every wish will be done
They tell me

I walked out the door without meeting her angry gaze. I had barely gotten through the doorway when the door slammed shut again. It made an ominous echo. I headed to meet President Bartlett, still shaking from what occurred in my office. I tried to avoid the stares that everyone was giving me.

Donna and I had just had our first fight. Trouble was would we be able to survive it? A walk of gloom replaced the bounce in my step. My gleefulness about being married was also gone. To put it another way, my great day had just gone right down the toilet. And unfortunately, I knew it would only get worse before it got better.

Show me the meaning of being lonely
Is this the feeling I need to walk with
Tell me why I can't be there where you are
There's something missing in my heart

Mrs. Landingham had her cookie jar out and ready for me. She told me to take two cookies. I gave her a weak smile as I pulled them out.

"You know Josh she sounds like a pregnant woman." Mrs. Landingham stated.

"You think so?" I asked, knowing that my face was losing all of its color.

"Yeah, hormones can make you do funny things." She said with a knowing smile.

"I'll keep that I mind." I replied praying that she was right.

"Hey Josh." Toby said as he came up behind me.

"What?" I said as he startled me.

"Calm down I'm not the one you're at war with." Toby snickered.

"Toby that's not funny." I replied quietly.

"Sorry. Hey I need to borrow you for a second." Toby stated.

"Go ahead Josh the president's meeting is running late." Mrs. Landingham assured me.

"What?" I asked after I got into Toby's office.

"Do you think I should ask C.J. out on a date?" Toby asked.

"Excuse me?" I said in a shocked voice.

"Do you…" Toby began to repeat before I cut him off.

"I heard you the first time, I was just a little shocked that's all. I wasn't expecting you to ask me that." I replied.

"Well, I figured that you didn't want me to ask what happened with Donna." Toby answered.

"No, I don't want to talk about the fight. And to answer your question, Toby I think that you should follow your heart." I responded with a smile.

"Oh yeah C.J. and I were over at the house last night and we finished staining the hallway floor." Toby stated, referring to the house everyone was helping me fix up for Donna.

"Cool. Sam said that he was going to put a second coat of paint in the master bedroom tomorrow. If I get a chance I'm going to work on the kitchen. Those cabinets need major overhaul." I responded.

"Yeah I know. So you think I should ask her out huh?" Toby asked again.

"Yes, I think you should ask her out." I replied with a grin.

"Okay. You know I'm still upset that you and Donna were dating under our noses." Toby replied.

I gave him a smile, but I couldn't tell him that we didn't date. I really don't think that anyone would believe us. We had just kind of skipped that part and jumped right into a three-day engagement. Toby was looking at me funny, so I decided to lie to him.

"Yeah, it was pretty easy come to think of it." I joked.

"I'm still jealous." Toby grumbled.

"Yeah well then you could've had a public fight too." I replied quietly.

"Josh, you guys had a fight. I've been married and Donna didn't mean it." Toby replied.

"Gee thanks, advice from a divorced guy." I snickered.

"Josh the president is ready for you now." Ginger said as she came in and interrupted us.

"Saved by a higher authority." I said smugly and walked out of Toby's office.

"I'm not finished with you yet." Toby said in a mock-threatening tone.

"Then I will tell…" My voice trailed off as I felt Toby's hand on my shoulder.

"Lyman unless you want to be a dead man." Toby threatened.

"I wasn't gonna tell her, sheesh." I said as I gave him a smile.

"Have fun at the dinner. I bet you'll learn some pretty interesting facts." Toby replied as he walked away.

Great, I hadn't thought of that aspect. Leo was home sick so it was going to be just me and the president at this function. I shuddered to think of the facts that he was going to tell me. Even Charlie had enough sense to ask for the afternoon off. Yup, this good day was definitely being shot to hell.

Part 2

I can't believe that I just screamed at Josh like that. I mean I shouldn't have really even had a reason to go off on him. Granted I did find a notepad that he had drawn a picture of my late-boyfriend on, but still to scream at him like that. Yikes, I was probably going to get into a lot of trouble for that. I had even almost broken his door twice.

Life goes on as it never ends
Eyes of stone observe the trends
They never say forever gazing for me
Guilty roads to an endless love
There's no control are you with me now
Your every wish will be done
They tell me

I collapsed onto his couch sobbing. I knew that he was going to fundraiser with the President and he wouldn't be back until later, but I still felt really horrible. I don't even know where all the harsh words were coming from. I had been married to him for a month now, and never once had he even mentioned Robbie's name in a harsh tone.

"Donna, are you okay?" C.J.'s voice timidly called from just outside the door.

"No." I managed to mumble through my tears.

C.J. opened the door and came in. She sat beside me on the couch. Her face was full of concern, yet she couldn't seem to find the right words to say.

"Honey, what did Josh do?" She asked softly, and then braced for an angry reply.

"He didn't really even do anything wrong." I replied, as the tears fell harder.

"What happened?" She asked as she rubbed my back.

"I blew up at him for totally no reason. And he just stood there and took it. He calmly told me that he loved me, all the while I was screaming that he couldn't love anyone but himself." I replied in between sobs.

"I see." C.J. replied slowly, still not grasping the cause of the fight.

"I found an old notepad of his and there was a drawing of my friend Robbie who died. Except he wasn't just a friend, C.J. he was my boyfriend." I admitted.

I looked up at C.J. and I could see a cloud of confusion on her face. She had been in Chicago when Josh had met Robbie. And she never was told that I was seeing anyone until Josh and I came back married. She knew that I had a friend die, but she just didn't know how close of one he was.

"We had been dating for a little over a month when he died." I clarified weakly.

"And then you married, Josh?" She asked, still confused.

"Yes." I replied quietly.

"So you found this notepad that Josh drew on before Robbie died and yelled at him for it, even though you knew that he never meant Robbie any physical harm?" C.J. asked.

"Yes." I admitted softly.

I could see that C.J. knew a piece to the puzzle was missing. That piece being I was carrying Robbie's child. I knew that they had assumed that Josh and I were secretly dating, but this wasn't making any sense to her. I didn't want to get Josh in trouble, so I kept her in the dark about the baby.

"Josh told me that he loved me and that he wanted to hold me in his arms forever. C.J. he saw me crying in his office, over a guy he was sure was going to break up with me. He never said it aloud this time, but I could tell from the jealous look he had on his face what he was thinking. When Robbie died Josh found me and comforted me and he professed his love. He asked me to marry him and I said yes. I know it was a little soon, but he looked like he needed me as much as I needed him." I sobbed, a little softer now.

"Donna, Josh did need you. Did Josh tell you who else was in that plane crash?" C.J. asked slowly.

"No, I mean he went with me to the memorial service, but I thought he was just supporting me. He never said anything about anyone else being killed, I mean at least not anyone we knew." I replied as a confused look came over me.

"Josh's cousin Amy also died. I guess she was really close to Joanie, they were about the same age or something." C.J. said.

"He never told me." I said quietly.

"I'm sorry. Leo told us at a meeting we had after you guys left. He told me to keep it out of the media, but I didn't know Josh didn't tell anyone else." C.J. stated softly.

"Now I just feel worse because he didn't tell me." I complained.

"I think he didn't tell you, so that you wouldn't feel diminished in your grief over Robbie. I mean he probably didn't tell you so that his loss didn't seem greater than yours. Donna, he has lost so many loved ones that he probably figured he didn't have much time before he lost you too." C.J. comforted.

I felt even worse now. I had always assumed that Josh had married me because he wanted to be a father to my baby. But now I was beginning to think that he married me because he really needed me. I knew that he hardly had any family left, and with his cousin's death, he probably thought he was running out of time to have a family. I felt like the lowest scum on the earth

Show me the meaning of being lonely
Is this the feeling I need to walk with
Tell me why I can't be there where you are
There's something missing in my heart

"Hey look at me. Josh loves you Donna. No matter what happened today he still loves you." C.J. soothed.

"I said some horrible things C.J. I told him never to come back, I told him to get hit by a car." I cried.
"Donna, Josh knows you didn't mean it. When he comes back you can just wrap him up in a hug, and I'm sure that it will be forgotten. You know that he can never stay mad at you for long." C.J. said encouragingly.

"I wish that I could hug him right now. I now feel terrible about what I said, I mean even more so. I accused him of some pretty awful things and he let me. He didn't defend himself, really." I moaned.

"I'm sure that he did, but you probably weren't listening so he stopped. He knows that you love him. Trust me, I don't think he'll give you up that easily." C.J. said with a smile.

"I hope not. I don't know what I would do if he did." I whispered.

"Donna, if Josh had that weak of a spirit he would've died when he was shot." C.J. stated.

"Oh God, I just remembered that I told him I wished he had died then too." I sobbed.

"Shhh, don't worry, when he comes back you can make everything right with him." C.J. said as she gave me a hug.

"What if I don't get that chance? I mean what if something bad really does happen to him? The last words I will have said to him were I hope you die." I sobbed.

"Donna, Josh will come back and he will be fine. But even on the rarest chance that something does happen to him, he knows that you love him. He knows that you didn't mean it." C.J. soothed.

I suddenly got an idea. I ran over to his phone and I dialed his cell phone number. After a couple of rings I got a message that basically said Josh's phone was either not on, or not charged. I slammed the phone down in disgust. It was my job to make sure that his phone was charged each night; I guess I forgot last night.

"Why don't you try paging him?" C.J. suggested.

I nodded but then stopped when I noticed Josh's pager on the floor. He had a habit of slipping his suit jacket over the back of his desk chair, and it must have fallen out. Our fight had caused him to rush out so he didn't have a chance to notice it was gone. I almost threw the pager but C.J, interrupted my throw.

"Josh would be mad if you broke his pager." She said with a smile.

"You're probably right." I sighed.

"Donna, it'll be okay. Just bring Josh some coffee when he comes back." C.J. suggested.

"Then he'll think that I got fired or something." I responded.

"Nah, Leo's home sick." C.J. replied with a laugh.

"Probably a good thing. He is already unhappy that we got married without telling him. He warned us not to show to many public displays of affection or whatever. I think I blew that thin line." I stated.

"Yeah I bet that you probably did to. I think that even people on the tours could hear you." C.J. joked.

"Great I'm sure there will be questions at your next briefing about who the yelling was coming from." I mumbled.

"Oh I'll just say it was some irate members of Josh's fan club who were upset that he was out of his office." C.J. replied.

"But he wasn't." I said sobbing again.

"Hey guys, where's Josh?" Sam asked as he poked his head in the room.

"At a fundraiser with the president." C.J. replied.

"Oh yeah. Hey Donna, are things okay with you and Josh?" Sam asked as C.J. shot him an evil look.

"I don't know." I replied in-between sobs.

"Things are going to be just fine with her and Josh. They had their first big fight today. But it's nothing to worry about." C.J. stated.

"I did most of the fighting." I confessed.

"Don't worry Donna, everyone gets that mad at Josh at least once a week." Sam offered.

"Sam!" C.J. said in a warning tone.

"Oh look gotta go. Tell Josh that I need to talk to him about the thing." Sam said.

"The thing?" I asked.

"Yeah, he'll know what I'm referring to." Sam replied, as his cheeks got all red.

"Bye Sam." C.J. said as she practically pushed him out of Josh's office.

Part 3

One would think that it was a huge honor to ride in a limo with the President of the United States, and usually it was. But today it felt like more of a chore. I wanted to be with my wife. I needed to be with her. I needed to make her see that I needed her.

"Josh, have you been listening to me?" President Jed Bartlett asked.
"I'm sorry sir, my mind has been elsewhere." I replied realizing that I was about to get yelled at.

"I know," Jed replied slowly. "You and Donna had your first big fight, right?"

"Yes." I admitted softly, even though the whole West Wing probably heard us.

"Was anything thrown?" Jed asked slyly.

"A notepad, which was meant for my head, sir." I replied.

"Oh is that all? You've got nothing to worry about. My first fight with Abbey a vase was broken. Josh, you can tell how angry a woman is by the object they throw at you." He joked.

"Is that so?" I asked with a questioning voice.

"They'll scream no matter what, but it's the objects they throw that really give them away. If the object is something that can't really hurt you then they are only mildly mad. The heavier the object, the higher degree of anger." Jed assured me.

"What about the cruel words?" I asked.

"Like I said that comes with every fight. I don't think that their brains are actually connected to their mouths. Female rage is a strange thing." He joked.

"I hope you're right, sir." I replied.

Where was this coming from? The heavier the object the stronger the anger? I had never heard that before in my life. But then again he had been married for a long time. I still was having a little trouble accepting that Donna hadn't meant those words. It sure as hell sounded like she meant them. Well, not all of them anyway, but a majority of them sounded real to me.

"Josh, do you want to know why I requested you come along with me to this fundraiser?" Jed asked, interrupting my thoughts.

"Because Leo is sick?" I asked even though I meant because you want to torture me.

"Well, Leo was supposed to come along too, but no. I wanted you to come along to reward you." He replied.

"Reward me, sir?" I asked, almost laughing at the suggestion.

The reason I had stopped paying attention to him was because he was going on and on about fundraiser trivia. Until this car ride I wasn't even aware that there was such a thing. Nobody really wanted to be alone with him because he would spout off useless facts all day if you let him. I think only Leo had the power to make him stop.

"I know that we didn't take you along to Chicago. Leo was worried that you weren't ready. I tried to convince him otherwise, but he wanted to make absolutely sure." He apologized.

"I know." I replied quietly.
Leo had already apologized to me for that. I guess it was a good thing that I didn't go because then I might not of had the guts to ask Donna to marry me. On the other hand, I would never have met Robbie so I never would've had a reason to draw him on a pad of paper. I was sure that being married to Donna outweighed not going to Chicago, even if she did wish me dead.

"But I knew you were ready. You got the help that you needed and I could tell that you were your usual self. Josh, nobody blames you for what happened. I mean…" President Bartlett stuttered trying to find the right words.

"You mean that I have P.T.S.D?" I suggested.

"Yeah, Josh we went through a horrible ordeal. You almost died. And you held your head up high. You didn't complain even when you were falling apart inside. I respect you for that. I'm sorry that we didn't notice and get you help sooner." He apologized.

"Please don't worry about it." I said in the tone of voice that begs for a subject to be dropped.

"Josh, nobody was supposed to get hurt that night. You were almost the last person I would've thought to have been shot." He continued ignoring my plea for the subject to be dropped.

"Thank you, sir?" I replied in a confused voice.

"I didn't mean for it to sound like that. I guess we never realized how much you meant to this administration until you were almost gone." He stated softly.

"I know. I don't mean to be disrespectful, but could we please drop the subject?" I asked.

"Okay. But I meant what I said about Donna." He stated seriously.

"Um…okay. Look we are here." I said changing the subject.

I was happy that they were proud of me and all, but I wasn't too sure about his martial advice. Donna had never once been that mad at me. Even those times I showed up drunk at her apartment, or the time she found me in my office with women's lingerie. I knew that she was questioning my motives. But how do you tell someone that you need them and not have it be like a clique?

There's no where to run
I have no place to go
Surrender my heart, body, and soul
How can it be you're asking me to feel
The things you never show

President Bartlett and I walked into the building where the fundraiser was held. It was kind of gratifying to have everyone envy me. And there were some people from my fan club. At least I think they were because, pardon me for being so blunt, but I am much sexier than the president. So I've been told anyway.

"Josh?" Jed asked as we sat down.

"Yes, sir?" I replied.

"I forgot my briefcase in the limo. Would you mind getting it for me?" He asked.

"I guess." I replied a little glumly.

"I can have Ron get someone to get it for me…" President Bartlett said.

"I know. I'll get it, sir." I replied getting up from the table.

I walked back out to the limo. Secret services agents were swarming around it, but they relaxed when they saw it was just me. I grabbed the briefcase and was about to head inside but visions of the fight stopped me. I cursed to myself as I fumbled for my phone. I found it, but the battery was dead.

"Damn." I muttered.

I knew that Donna had probably already tired to call me. I felt in my pocket for my pager, but noticed that it was missing. I smacked the palm of my hand across my forehead.

"Smooth move, real smooth." I muttered.

I looked around for a pay phone. I knew that there was a phone in the limo but technically I wasn't supposed to use it. It was for emergencies and issues concerning the president only. Though, I thought it was an emergency, I figured that everyone else would object.

I continued to look for a phone when I spotted on across the street. I jogged over there. I wasn't sure if Donna was ready to talk to me. I waited a moment before I picked up the phone. I couldn't believe how much my hands were trembling.

I started to put the money in when, I heard an odd noise behind me. Before I could turn around I felt an explosion of pain on my back. I felt my head snap back and I had a sensation that I was flying. Suddenly, the flying stopped and I felt the cool cement. I felt immense pain, and I knew that Donna had gotten her wish.

You were missing in my heart
Tell me why I can't be where you are

I from my spot on the ground I could see a delivery truck driving away. I tried to yell for help but I knew my voice wasn't loud enough. The pain began to get worse and I knew I was about to pass out. Donna's angry words began replaying in my head. I cursed again as my mind faded to black.

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