Show me the meaning of being lonley

Disclaimer: These characters belong to Aaron Sorkin and the other people at NBC. And the song is not mine either.

Show me the meaning of being lonely

By Mer

Part 4

I had talked to C.J. for a while and then I had gone back to work. Luckily, for me Leo was home sick otherwise I might be out of a job. I had again tried to phone Josh but I think his cell phone battery was dead. Either that or he had it off on purpose to avoid getting a call from me. I hoped that his battery was just dead.

I started to feel really sick. I knew that it was morning sickness. I wondered why it was called that since I mostly got sick later in the day. C.J. saw me after one of my trips to the bathroom.

"Donna, are you okay?" She asked as she felt my forehead.

"I'm fine." I assured.

"Really because you feel like you have a fever or something. Josh, would kill me if he were here." C.J. replied.

"I'm fine really." I stated.

"I don't think you are. You had better go home." C.J. ordered.

"I'm fine." I stated a little more gruffly.

"I know why you think you have to stay but I'm not buying it. You are going home and there will be no more discussions about it." C.J. said firmly.

"But I need…" I began.

"When Josh comes back I will assure him that you went home sick and that you were sorry about what you said." C.J. assured.

I was about to leave when I remembered that I no longer drove in a second car. Josh drove us both to work, since it was pointless to take two cars. But we were however living in my apartment as a trade off. I said that I didn't want to live in his and we were planning to look for a bigger one in a couple of weeks.

"Hey Donna, you okay?" Sam asked me as he past my desk.

"I'm sick and C.J. told me to go home, but Josh will be mad if I take the car." I said lamely, not mention the fact that he would be mad that I left period.

"I can give you a ride. I have a couple of meetings on the hill anyway." Sam replied.

"Sam, my apartment is no where near on the way." I protested.

"If you'd rather stay and be sick here…" His voice trailed off.

"Okay, okay, you can take me home." I gave in.

I was glad that C.J. promised to talk to Josh for me and let him know that I went home because I was sick and not because I was mad at him. I knew that Josh would worry about me being sick, but I didn't exactly want to tell C.J. or Sam that I was having morning sickness. I had wanted to wait to announce my pregnancy, and now I was glad I had. I didn't need them freaking out about me stressing out.

I did however feel an ache in my heart. What if Josh didn't forgive me? I mean I said that he couldn't feel for anyone but himself, and he pushed his grief over losing his cousin aside to help me. I can be so stupid sometimes and I think it really is because I am a blonde.
Show me the meaning of being lonely
Is this the feeling I need to walk with
Tell me why I can't be there where you are
There's something missing in my heart

"Donna, is everything okay between you and Josh?" Sam asked once we got into his car.

"I don't know." I said as I laid my head back against the headrest.

"Oh okay." Sam replied.

"I was wrong." I said softly.

"Josh loves you." Sam replied absently.

"I know." I replied.

"What was the fight about? What stupid thing did he do now?" Sam asked with a little laugh.

"Sam, please. I don't want to talk about it right now." I asked gently.

"I understand. I know that these things can be pretty personal. I'll leave you alone." Sam replied.

At least I could count on Sam for not pressing me too much. He knew when to leave me alone. Besides, he probably already had ideas on pouncing on Josh when Josh got back. I pitied Josh in that respect, because it was me yelling, but he was going to have do some damage control.

Sam and I rode in silence for a while. The silence was eerie so Sam switched on the radio. I protested at the first heavy rock station that he had on. So Sam went through until he found some soft music.
Show me the meaning of being lonely
Is this the feeling I need to walk with
Tell me why I can't be there where you are
There's something missing in my heart

Show me the meaning of being lonely
Is this the feeling I need to walk with
Tell me why I can't be there where you are
There's something missing in my heart

I started crying again as the song played. Sam looked at me kind of funny. After it was over he turned the radio off. The eerie silence returned. I didn't care anymore. All I wanted to do was talk to Josh.

"I didn't mean to make you start crying again." Sam stated.

"It wasn't your fault." I replied quietly.

"Donna, Josh is my best friend. I hope that you know you can tell me anything that you want to. I swear that my lips are sealed." Sam stated.

I had to laugh at that one. Sam was pretty bad at keeping secrets. Sure, he could keep them for a while but he would eventually be unable to. Usually, he told them to his assistant Cathy and then she would spread them throughout the building. I guess Sam hadn't figured out why no one really told him anything of dire importance anymore.

"I'm not really in the mood to talk right now." I said.

"I hope you die. I hope you get hit by a car or something." Those words just kept playing over and over again in my head. I knew that something horrible was bound to happen, because I had wished it. Little did I know that something had already happened by the time I walked in to my apartment.

Part 5- (the president's point of view, since Josh can't really take his turn)

I knew that Josh was having a bad afternoon. And that saddened me. I had seen him this morning and he was acting like a kid who had had too much sugar. I hadn't minded because I hadn't seen him happier in a long time. This fight with Donna was really eating him up. I knew that he needed some time to think but I thought he would've come back with my briefcase by now.

"Ron, have you seen Josh? He hasn't come back yet." I asked as Ron's radio crackled to life.

"We got a situation out here." An agent's voice said.

"Is Eagle in danger?" Ron asked.

"I don't think so. But there has been an accident." The voice replied.

"Okay, deal with it. And by the way have you seen Josh anywhere?" Ron asked.

"He was in the accident." The voice replied gently.

"Oh my God." I said as I jumped up.

"Mr. President, you can't go out there, sir." Ron commanded.

"Like hell I can't. Isn't it your job to keep me safe?" I said as started to head outside.

"Well, yes sir…" Ron began.

"Then come with me." I stated and left him no other choice but to follow me.

"Eagle is heading to the scene." Ron relayed to the men outside.

I got outside and found Josh surrounded by Secret Service agents. He was lying in an unnatural position. A large gash was across his back, and it was bleeding heavily. I noticed a few shirtless Secret Service agents and a couple of bloody shirts already in a pile beside Josh. He was going to bleed to death.

Just as I knelt beside him an ambulance began to whine in the distance. I then noticed another wound on Josh's forehead that was also bleeding. I took off my jacket and I placed it on that wound. He looked so damn pale. I thought that he was dead.

"He's got a very weak pulse." Someone mentioned.

I guess I let out a little sigh of relief but then I caught Ron's eye. His face was grim. I knew that Josh didn't have much longer. As I thought that the ambulance appeared. The paramedics rushed towards us, and I could see the horror on their faces. Even they thought he wasn't going to make it.

I stayed out of the way and I let the paramedics do their job. As they loaded Josh into the ambulance I jumped in there with him.

"Mr. President." Ron said in a warning tone.

"I'm riding." I said firmly.

The paramedics looked at me and then they looked at Ron. Ron wasn't very happy but he jumped in the front seat. I had won, but my personal victory wouldn't mean anything if Josh died. I held on to his limp hand.

"It's gonna be alright. You are going to be fine." I assured him.

The paramedics looked over at me. The look they were giving me wasn't a positive one. I don't think that they expected him to still be alive, much less make it to the hospital. I tried to conceal the same look from my eyes. Josh wasn't going to die.

It made me think of the last time Josh was rushed to the hospital. Josh was rushed in right as they were taking me up to surgery. It made me feel sick to my stomach then just as it was now. Josh had so much to live for in his life. He was too young to die.

We reached the hospital and boy was it a sight. An ambulance followed by a bunch of police cars and a presidential limo. I do think that even the Emergency Room was cleared out. Abbey told me that they had done that for me, and I wanted to tell Josh that he was just as special.

Josh was rushed into a trauma room and all I could do was stand and wait. As I went over to a waiting room I noticed that a TV was on. I sat down on a couch and watched as a special report interrupted the program that was on.

"Details are sketchy at this hour but it appears that there has been an accident at a fundraiser that President Bartlett was attending. White House Press Secretary C.J. Cregg was unable to provide us with any information. We do know however that President Bartlett was not injured. It is unclear whether a member of President Bartlett's senior staff was injured…" The anchorman was saying.

"Shit." I exclaimed.

I had forgot to call and tell them that Josh was hurt. Damn, C.J. was probably going nuts. And Donna, man she must be beside herself with worry, especially since the fight. I sighed and looked around for a phone. Ron handed me his.

"C.J. you had better send Donna over here quick." I said quietly.

"What happened?" C.J.'s shaky voice at the other end asked.

"I don't know. I think a car or something hit Josh. He's in pretty bad shape." I replied.

"Oh God. Donna went home sick. I'll have Sam pick her back up. Sir, are you okay?" C.J. asked.

"I don't know." I replied gently.

"Is he gonna make it?" C.J. asked.

"I already told you that he's in bad shape. Just get everyone over here." I commanded.

"Yes, sir." C.J. said solemnly.

"I didn't mean it that way." I said softly.

"I know, sir. We will be there shortly." C.J. replied.

"Call Leo for me please. And tell Abbey that I'm okay." I asked.

"Yes, sir I'll make sure that someone calls Leo. Oh, I believe that Mrs. Bartlett is already on her way." C.J. replied.

"Tell Zoey and Charlie too." I said as I suddenly remembered them as well.

"I will." C.J. replied.

I hung up the phone and saw Abbey come running over to me. She looked at me and for the first time I realized that I was covered in Josh's blood.

"It's not mine." I said as I wrapped my arms around her.

"I was told that there had been an accident…" Abbey began.

"I know. I'm sorry I became so caught up in everything that I forgot to let everyone know I was okay." I replied.

"How is he?" Abbey asked.

"I wouldn't know. I think that it's pretty bad. Maybe you can go and find something out." I suggested.

"Okay, stay right here." She commanded.

"Yes, ma'am." I replied with a weak smile.

Abbey returned a few minutes later, and the color was completely drained from her face. I wrapped her up in my arms again. I knew I should probably ask her about him, but I couldn't bring myself to hear the answer.

"They are surprised he's still hanging on." Abbey murmured quietly.

"He's in love." I replied.

"I hope that's enough." Abbey whispered.

Oh it had better be. Donna would completely lose it if he didn't. And I wouldn't even know where to begin to find a replacement for him. I know he does stupid things sometimes, but for the most part he is as important to the administration as Leo was. Josh wasn't going to die. No he couldn't have survived everything he had been through only to die now.

Part 6

I had barely even laid down on my couch when there was wild pounding at the door. I could hear Sam screaming at me. I got up and thrust open the door and that nearly knocked Sam over.

"What?" I asked annoyed.

"Donna, you need to come with me." Sam commanded.

"Let me get my coat." I muttered.

I felt really sick and weak. I knew that this was a normal part of a pregnancy, but I doubted being summoned when I felt this way was. Sam helped me get my coat on and he practically ran with me to his car. I slumped down in the seat.

"Donna, are you okay?" Sam asked concerned.

"I told you I was sick." I protested.

"Oh yeah." Sam replied.

He was driving kind of fast. I knew that something major must've happened. Maybe Josh was having another panic attack or something. Though I was pretty sure he hadn't had one of those in a long time. He wasn't even having nightmares.

"Sam!" I yelled as he took a corner too fast. " What the hell is your hurry?"

"Josh was in an accident." Sam replied, ignoring my comment about his driving.

"What?" I screeched.

"Josh was in an accident." He repeated only this time he said it really slowly.

"Stop the car!" I said as I felt a fresh wave of nausea.

Sam obliged and I got out and threw up on the sidewalk. Sam looked at me helplessly. I closed my eyes for a moment and the feeling went away.

"Are you sure your okay?" Sam asked.

"I'm pregnant Sam." I replied.

"Well, you didn't have to get sarcastic with me." Sam replied.

"No, Sam I really am pregnant." I replied.

"Oh…" Sam said as if a light was coming on.

"I'm better now. We can go, just not so fast okay." I said as I got back in the car.

Josh was in an accident. I couldn't believe it. I felt a shiver go up my spine. No a car couldn't have hit him. No something else had to have happened to him. Tears streamed down my cheeks as part of our conversation played through my head.

"I hope you die. I hope you get hit by a car or something."

"I love you and I hope you don't mean that."

"Well, I'm damn serious about that."

We made it to the hospital and found C.J., Toby, Mrs. Bartlett, and President Bartlett waiting for us. C.J. came and gave me a hug. And then she led me to a couch. It was the same couch that I sat on last time Josh was at this hospital.

"Donna, we think that Josh was hit by a delivery truck." Mrs. Bartlett began.

"He's in surgery now." C.J. added gently.

"He's lost a lot of blood." Mrs. Bartlett continued.

"It's bad, isn't it?" I asked and from the looks on their faces, I knew it was really bad.

I pulled away from C.J. and I went to the chapel. I had gone there to pray the last time Josh was in surgery. I reached one of the pews and I began to sob uncontrollably. This was all my fault. If Josh died it was all my fault.

Show me the meaning of being lonely
Is this the feeling I need to walk with
Tell me why I can't be there where you are
There's something missing in my heart

"Donna, Josh is a fighter." Abbey Bartlett's words soothed.

I didn't know what to say to that. What could Josh possibly have left to fight for? I had already told him that I wanted him dead. I already told him that I wanted my unborn child to bear Robbie's name. I told him a bunch of lies. He told me he loved me and I told him I wanted him dead.

"C.J. told me that you guys had a huge fight today." Abbey stated.

"I told him that I wished he would get hit by a car. I guess I should be happy that he followed my instructions." I snapped.

"Donna, you didn't mean that. I know that Josh knows you didn't mean that." Abbey soothed.

"He told me that he hoped I didn't mean that, and I said that I meant every word." I sobbed.

"Donna, you were angry. I'm sure that Josh understands that." Abbey said.

"I was so awful to him. I'm a horrible person." I sobbed.

"Donna, you are a wonderful person." Abbey began.

I could feel the anger at myself rising. I didn't deserve her kindness. My husband was in the hospital because of me. I had ripped his heart to shreds before he was hit. He probably didn't even notice the truck.

"A wonderful person doesn't marry somebody and then tell them that they don't love anyone but themselves. A wonderful person doesn't yell anything of the things I yelled at Josh. Josh doesn't need me; he needs someone who loves him for him. He needs someone who didn't marry him for selfish reasons." I snapped.

"What?" Abbey asked.

"Josh needs someone like Joey Lucas or Mandy. He doesn't need a disgrace of a person like me." I rambled.

"Donna, that's not true. Josh loves you and you love him." She stated assuringly.

"I can't be here. I can't be here when Josh is fighting for his life. A life that only a few hours earlier I said I didn't give a damn about." I replied.

I ran out before she could stop me. I couldn't be here at the hospital. Josh needed to be around people who cared about him. He needed to be around people who he knew he could count on. He didn't need me.

I made sure that I bypassed the waiting room where everyone else was. As I started to go outside a secret service agent stopped me.

"Ma'am is something wrong? What is your hurry?" He asked me.

"Henry, she's cool. That's Lyman's wife." Another agent stated.

Henry let me pass. I got out to the street and I didn't know where to go. My heart ached to be with Josh, but I knew I didn't belong with him. I looked angrily down at my stomach. If I didn't have this baby then Josh would never have agreed to marry me. I raised my fist but I stopped before I hit myself.

I knew I needed to calm down. I took a couple of deep breaths. Then I hailed a cab. I was going to go home and crawl up into a ball. I just wished that I could stay there for the rest of my life.

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