Send in the Clones
It’s been a while since I’ve had the pleasure of doing this, and after the long break, I kind of wish I could review a different episode. Send in the Clones was hit and miss with me. Here’s a brief lowdown:
Pros:
Some great one liners, some of the best!:
Cool premise:
Alti, as wicked as ever!:
Xena and Gabs eating modern day food (I know that sounds crazy, but it was a kick!):
Xena and Gabbers fans expressing their obsessions in various ways
Cons::
Not enough action (we hear about things, but don’t see them):
Low blows (Alti was too vicious, as I know a lot of Gabs fans will agree):
Misrepresentation of Evil Xena (not in character with Evil Xena we’ve seen before):
Gabs underused:
Poor ending (I laughed, but ended up going, “Huh?”)
So with those tidbits to chew on, let’s delve in, shall we?
We start on a foggy night. A car pulls up and flashes its headlights three times. Another car, already parked flashes its headlights back…three times. I’m already impressed with the well-thought out plan…Yeah…we play Simon Sez with the headlights so we’ll know each other! Heh heh.
One of the cars is a sharp-looking red Firebird, which will be the inspiration of one of my favorite lines…but that’s way
down the road! Anyway, a man gets out of the car that just stopped. He is…quite ugly. Not only does he have a silver
tooth in front, but he also has a gray one. Blechh. He looks familiar…I know him from the Xenaverse, but I’m not going to
try to place him right now. The driver of the Firebird is Claire Stansfield, not as Alti. She’s in a long black jumpsuit, and
is very attractive…so much better-looking without her Rascal makeup (that is a racoon reference, in case someone didn't get it). The man has a open briefcase and Claire reaches inside and pulls out the chakram, the NEW chakram. It’s rusty and dulled, but the chakram none-the-less. Then, looking further into the briefcase, she sees a vial which contains a single strand of blonde hair and a single strand of black hair. Claire (who we later learn is Alexis, a very popular name in fan fiction), smiles at the man (Is he the salesman from Prometheus?), and hands him a wallet. The man checks and the wallet is loaded with bills. “It’s all there,” Alexis assures him, and they head back to their cars.
Cut to the footage from Them Bones, Them Bones where Xena tricks Alti into entering her own dreamscape. We watch up to the point Alti’s skeleton assembles, then the scene freezes. The scene cuts to the room of a basic Xenaphile. Videos are strewn across the floor. Pictures of Xena and Gabs cover the walls. There is a Xena standee and a chakram. They’re talking, saying they should use this footage. As a phone starts to ring, we see them…three fans. The two women (Allison Wall and Polly Baigent) have both been on the show before, of course) are wearing Xena shirts. Polly has her Xenado, (not to be confused with the horrible movie Xanadu), and really looks the part. Allison is sporting blonde hair now, and looks much better as Leah than she ever did as Minya. The guy is wearing a dumpy white t-shirt and some kind of long overshirt., and a Xena hat. The guy says, “Shouldn’t we have more Joxer stuff?” “You’re kidding, aren’t you?” Polly laughs.
Finally someone suggests answering the phone, which the guy does. When he realizes it’s Alexis, he’s all business.
She wants to know if he’s got the clips compiled, and he says they’re almost done. Alexis says they have to be on digital
disc, and the guy tells her he knows he’s the computer nerd. He’d like to have more Joxer stuff, and Alexis says Leah has to settle the dispute, she knows psychological profiles. She wants to know if Dr. Polly (gee, how’d they come up with that name?) is there as well, which she is. Alexis is pleased, and wants to meet with the “team” in 72 hours.
The music for this episode is very interesting. It’s got Joe LoDuca’s signature all over it, but it’s still modern-day sounding. Very cool!
Anyway, we cut to a high rise building in what I assume is downtown Los Angeles, (the cars in the episode have California plates.) A door opens and the team rushes up to Alexis who is standing by a computer monitor. They want to know if it worked. Was she able to use the DNA from the hair? Alexis tells her it worked beyond her wildest dreams. “See for yourselves.” Two tables that have been laying horizontal to the ground slowly rotate, until they are standing upright. On the left is Xena, on the right is Gabs. Gabrielle’s hair is long. Neither has any clothes on.
As the team squeals with joy, the teaser comes to an end.
After the commercial, we see the guy on his knees, uh…touching Xena’s bare leg. Alexis smacks his hand away (hee hee.). Leah, who is clearly NOT Minya, is much more fascinated with Gabs than Xena in this episode. She is gazing dreamily into Gabs face as she says to Alexis, “So, your man in Macedonia really came through, huh?” Alexis confirms it, saying the two strands of hair came from the Tomb of the Scrolls. Is this supposed to be the cave from the Xena Scrolls? Stay tuned for further details!
Dr. Polly is standing next to Xena, trying to size herself up next to the Warrior Princess. Kudos have to go to both Lucy and
Renee for maintaining their composure and lack of expression for so long during these scenes. I would bet there are many,
many outtakes where the two just busted out laughing. But not a hint of any change shows in this episode. Alexis says her
carbon testing shows the hairs to be between 2 and 3000 years old. That’s quite a spread, isn’t it? I thought modern dating techniques
were much more accurate. Anyway, Polly is raving about two ancient Myceneran heroes being alive now…the world is going to be a better place! Uh huh. Alexis reminds her they have to be successful first. Right now, the two figures are just clones, with no memories or personalities. The guy is staring at Xena’s face. “Yeah, but they’re great to look at, just the way they are.” Leah chastises, “Don’t be a male cliché…Are you telling me you’re excited looking at lifeless female forms with no minds or personality?” The guy pauses a millisecond. “Yeah!” he replies. Heh heh. Alexis asks him, “Discs?” and they change the subject. Behind Alexis on a big computer screen are Xena logo screen savers…kinda cool. The guy tells Alexis the first disc is by the Gabfan Leah, and has a lot of Gabs on it. Polly sniffs that you’d think all they did was sit around in baths and at campfires emoting. Her Kiwi accent really comes through on this line. But Leah sticks to her guns, saying she included other stuff, but she thinks Gabs is the most important relationship in Xena’s life. The guy tells her, “If you start talking about subtext, I’m going to barf!” Hee hee. Polly backs him up saying they’re not bringing them back to offer help to the lovelorn, they want someone who can kick ass.
Alexis tells Polly to get the subjects ready for download, which seems to consist of putting those EKG patches on Xena and Gabs temples. Leah is off in la-la land, saying the first disc is the official tribute to Gabrielle set to the tune of Bette Midler’s “Wind Beneath My Wings.” Oh brother. But the guy (I’m sure he has a name, but I’ve yet to catch it), says, “They need a wakeup call, not sleep aids.” Heh heh…he gets a lot of the best lines! Leah tells Alexis that Gabrielle is more important to Xena than her fighting skills. Alexis squirms a bit and says sure, in the overall picture, but Xena is first and foremost a warrior. Once again, uh huh. The guy punches at the keyboard, and the clips start…first the creation of the new chakram from…Chakram…then part of the subsequent fight. Next is part of the fight with Eve at the end of …Eve. (I love how they came up with the names for the fifth season episodes) Then there’s part of the fight in Mt. Olympus at the end of Motherhood. Polly glances over at Xena and Gabs, but they aren’t responding. She goes back to cheering the action on the screen. We see Xena’s feral entrance at the beginning of Amphipolis Under Siege, prompting Leah to say how dangerous she looks. Next is The Way, with Xena stabbing whats-his-face in the…face. The guy loves that one. We see Xena tangle with Lucifer at the end of Heart of Darkness. The team likes it, but Xena and Gabs remain oblivious. Polly checks a monitor and says there’s no brain activity from either one.
Alexis stops the screening, to the guy’s protest, but Leah approaches Gabs’ body, saying Xena needs a “dose of Gabby. That’ll
jumpstart her heart.” “Heart, schmeart,” the guy returns He thinks they need a more “hands-on” approach. He holds his hands
up in front of Xena’s chest. “What about a bit of cardiac massage?” “You could be right,” Leah answers, “Or what
about…mouth-to-mouth?” she asks moving closer to Gabs' face. I’m telling you, Lucy and Renee should be up for
Emmy’s after this! Polly is much more practical. “Maybe what you two need is a bucket of cold water…or your asses kicked”
Leah is still thinking about all the fun they had together though…the baths they shared.” The guy likes this…but if she’s talking
about their “special relationship” he wants a front row seat. Alexis isn’t amused though, and shuts down the monitor, saying
that’s enough for today. Alexis says if they download too much, the clones could "go crazy". Their disappointment is brief as Polly tells Leah she ordered Xena and Gabs' costumes from the catalog. They giggle excitedly about that as everyone clears the lab.
It's now later that night. A hand covered in a black glove reaches out to touch clone Xena's face. Whomever it is moves to Gabs and removes the wires from the EKG patches. The person moves to the computer monitor and lays down a box clearly marked, "Evil Xena #1". That made me giggle...REAL incognito here! The box is opened and a disc is removed. It is labeled (say it with me now, Evil Xena). The disc loads and there's Evil Xena (what a surprise), from the end of Destiny. Next is footage of Xena clobbering all the Amazons in Sin Trade. Shadows and flashes of light are playing across Clone Xena's face...did I just see an eye twitch? We see Evil Xena's own version of the Great Wall of Chin...then footage of the Hercules' episode, Armageddon Now II, where Xena the Conqueror orders Gabs to be put on the cross. When EX orders, "Break her legs," Clone Xena's face really becomes animated. The Evil Xena sneer slowly forms. But the clone never opens her eyes.
It's the next morning. Leah and Alexis enter the lab. Leah freaks and runs to the guy who is standing beside Gabs with a long clump of blonde hair in his hand. Both Xena and Gabs are now dressed in their sixth season outfits. But Leah is upset that the guy cut Gabs' hair. She wanted her to be "Classic Gabby." "Only in the reruns, Babe," he tells her handing her the hair. Leah clutches it to her face.
The guy goes to the computer and says that someone has made a download without their knowledge. They watch some of the footage in fast forward and Alexis says it's all Evil Xena footage...Someone must have snuck in and downloaded it. How is that possible? Polly checks her monitor and says Xena's life signs have elevated. Something must have had an effect. The guy says they'd better get them ready and proceeds to begin spit shining Xena's breast armor. Leah is concerned about which Xena will wake up, "the power hungry warrior motivated only by bloodlust and hate?" Alexis interjects to the guy, "I..uh...would get my hands off her boobs," she warns him. Heh heh. Leah says it's essential that both Gabs and Xena be fed the Gabs and Xena footage, or the Clone Xena could suffer from deep trauma. Alexis agrees. Up comes clips from One Against an Army then footage of Gabs talking with Eli in The Way. Then from The Way is Xena's apology about taking Gabs so far away from the truth. I dunno why, but the screen suddenly focuses on just Gabs and Xena's mouth...weird. The guy and Polly are getting bored, and Polly turns
off the footage. "Enough of the lovey dovey crap." Leah actually agrees and wants to use Polly's Gabrielle footage.
Argh! It's from the Ides of March, the toughest Xena episode of all for me to watch! We see Xena go down like Goliath
fallen in battle, and then Gabbers turns into a killing machine. I swear, it makes me squirm just to type about it. The
quartet watching the footage is much more happy with these clips. Even Alexis smiles. But she says they need to input
more positive images of Xena, to show her the consequences of her dark past. She has the guy bring up "this one". It
turns out to be Xena's apology in A Necessary Evil. The scene starts to focus on Callisto, and we hear a little noise from
Xena's EKG. She starts to twitch, then that glorious eyebrow goes up. Polly is wondering if it's a good idea showing footage of Callisto
to Xena. "It will only make her blood boil." She seems to be right as Xena is really percolating now.
Leah is thinking a nice campfire scene is in order. (Find one from Sixth Season, Leah, I dare ya!). Meanwhile, behind them, we can see Xena has awakened. She rips the patches from her head with an irritated look. As the team continues to argue about the pertinents of certain campfire scenes (I don't even know if they were valid scenes, I was too busy watching Xena), Xena glances around her surroundings, pulls the OLD chakram from her belt and lets it fly. The team responds immediately. Their backs are to her, but they recognize the whirl of the chakram and follow its path around the lab. Xena catches the chakram and it breaks in two. Okay, is this supposed to be the chakram from the Xena Scrolls? I dunno. She drops the broken half of the chakram, and approaches the team who is standing at attention, too scared to turn around. Xena approaches the guy and does the pinch. She goes through the rhetoric, "I've just shut off the flow of blood to your brain, you'll be dead in thirty seconds unless you tell me what's going on." Alexis is looking pleased by all this. The others just make squeaky noises as we fade to commercial.
After the break, Alexis is telling everyone to stay calm. Gabrielle is beginning to wake up and assess her surroundings. The
guy admits he is not calm...and then we hear the familiar exchange, "Xena?" it's Gabrielle's soft wonder-filled voice. Xena
responds "Gabrielle?", and looks at her as if she's just now noticed the bard is there. Alexis gives a big smile and looks just
like...you guessed it...Alti. Xena doesn't seem to notice though. "All right, you'd better start talking!" She still has her hands
on the guy's neck. I'm sure it's been much longer than thirty seconds, but who pays attention to this in the Xenaverse? Alexis
summarizes the cloning process, which had to be gibberish to our girls, but then welcomes them to the future. Gabs has
been watching all this wide-eyed, then says, "Xena, shouldn't you take the pinch off him?" The guy has been watching
his watch, but she releases him and he falls to the floor for a second, then retreats behind the others. "How much do you
remember?" Leah asks, and the guy interjects, "She remembers the pinch pretty good." As Xena stares at him, the guy
realizes, "I've just been
pinched by Xena!" He doesn't look so unhappy now!
Gabs is still confused. "Did Ares do this?" Alexis responds, "No, a higher power called science." Xena wants to know why they were brought there, and Leah tells them it's because they need heroes. The team goes back to the monitor and brings up footage from the evening news...explosions, violent protests, hostage standoffs, etc. Xena and Gabrielle watch it on the big screen, their faces very serious. Polly tells them "We need someone to go out there and kick butt."
Xena's face is stoic. "You've got the right girl for that," she intones. As the girls wiggle with their excitement, the guy says, "She can kick my butt any day." Leah tells her, "We were hoping you'd kick butt for good." "Oh it'll be good all right," the guy chimes in, and takes a pop to the abdomen from Leah. Xena glances at Gabs, then back at the team. "We're hungry," she says. "Got any food?" I think this is supposed to be an incarnation of Evil Xena, but it's more a representation of Cranky Xena, especially remniscent of first season Cranky Xena. The team approaches with a box of doughnuts. The guy sticks one on his finger and says, "Sort of like chakram...but you can eat 'em!" He takes a bite and chews, showing them how good the delicious "sugar and fat" is. Xena eyeballs him for a long time, then leans in and, licks her way up the side of the doughnut...'Nuff said.
We're watching more clips. So are Xena and Gabrielle who are now seated in front of the big screen. Xena has an open pizza box on her lap, and is sitting there like Al Bundy, minus the hands in her pants. The clips are from Sins of the Past, when Xena hauls Gabs up onto Argo, then Gabs estatic Pan's pipes playing from The Prodigal, then Gabs crying on Xena's shoulder in A Good Day. Next is Gabs trying to entice Xena to try the squid in Lost Mariner. Xena and Gabs are watching all this with interest. Gabs is also struggling with her soda. She seems to know how to use a straw, but the lid has popped off, and is distracting her. We see Gabs dying in Is There a Doctor in the House?, then the water fight in A Day in the Life. This makes Gabs laugh merrily. Xena is focusing on a piece of pizza however...this woman should be making commercials for Pizza Hut! Heh heh, for those of you that care, I'm a manager at a Pizza Hut. During all this, we hear each of the team member's thoughts... Polly is watching Xena's every move. She's thinking Xena could kick Jackie Chan's ass. If Bruce Lee came back from the grave, she could kick his ass too. The guy's line of thinking is more direct, "Man, they're hot, and you know, after 2000 years they gotta be horny. (told you he got some of the best lines!) And I've seen them looking at me; there's no competition. I'm going to be their first 21st century man!" Leah watches Gabs struggle with her drink and thinks that the others almost ruined it by showing them all the "macho" footage. She knows how to fix it...later she'll show them a full season of Ellen episodes!
Now comes some really interesting footage. We see the kiss from Return of Callsto. Gabrielle watches this with a look of great discomfort. Xena, however, about to do her second take for the pizza commercial, likes it. "All right!" she grins. My mind boggled. Next is the kiss from Return of the Valkyris. Xena watches then says, "That's not how it happened. I woke you up before I went to Valhala, right?" "That's how I remember it; you're right" Gabs confirmed. As Xena picks off the toppings she doesn't like, Polly realizes that they are remembering the real things Xena and Gabs did, not just what was programmed in. Leah says that was the plan, to stimulate all the "latent memories." Her glassy eyed gaze at Gabs makes the bard uncomfortable. The guy wants to know what they think of the show. Xena floored me with her next line. "Ah, I like the one who plays me...she's kind of sexy." Gabs is being more practical. "What about this writing, Xena. It's not exactly Euripides. They've taken liberties with my scrolls." Xena agrees, "Yeah, what are they trying to say about our relationship, anyway?" "Who knows?" Gabrielle answers. Who knows, indeed... Whoa, I felt like Nigel from You are There for a minute!
The guy gets down in Xena's face. She looks and sounds like she's had a little too much pizza. He wants to know if her and Ares...you know...Xena sneers at him..."Get a life, pervert" she growls. As always, Gabs has been watching this (why do I always feel like Gabs wants to know the answer to this one too?)...but now she pats Xena's arm. "Now, now, Xena." Xena stands, dropping the pizza box to the floor. Gabs stands too so our girls can talk without the others hearing them...of course the others are still about three feet away. Xena wants to know what to do next. Gabs says they're here as heroes so they should find a mission and do some good. Xena doesn't know though...she doesn't really want to go the Greater Good route this time. "It kinda doesn't appeal this time round." She tells Gab she has some "sugar on the fat," and points to a spot on Gabs chest. I knew it was coming and sure enough, up comes the finger to pop Gabs' nose. You'd have thought Gabs would have learned from Ares in The Quill is Mightier. Anyway, Xena smiles, "I always wanted to do that," and starts to leave the lab. See what I mean? That isn't Evil Xena, that's just Xena on a bad day.
As Xena struts out of the lab, she turns back to Gabs, "Oh, and uh, Gabrielle, if that pork starts talking back to you, they have a whole room back here designed for the sole purpose of uh...relieving yourself, Wahey!"
"A whole room?" Gabs echoes, as Alexis approaches her, wanting to know if she can speak with her. After gettting the affirmative, she tells Gabs they may have awakened the Evil Xena. "Is that what's wrong with her?" Gabs asks, as if that makes sense. Alexis asks the team to look after Xena while she brings Gabrielle up to speed. Alexis and Gabs walk off screen, while the team sits down to watch some more footage, leaving Xena to...whatever. The guy reaches down into the pizza box and picks up some of Xena's discarded crust, which he discreetly pockets. Hey, didn't someone pay a fortune for one the Back Street Boy's breakfast remains?
Alexis has led Gabs outside. Gabs is gazing around "It's so big!" and Alexis is playing tour guide as we hear sirens approaching. As policemen approach, Alexis changes her tune. "This is her. She broke into the lab dressed as some television character...I think she's a bit of a loony." A policewoman played by one of the women who was a contestant in Here She Comes, Miss Amphipolis asks for id. Gabs doesn't have a clue. The policewoman tries to take Gabs arm, but Gabs resists. The woman starts to go for her gun, as Gabs gives her believeable story, "Look, I don't know what ridiculous story she told you, but for your information she cloned me from a strand of hair she found 2000 years ago." Alexis stands behind her shaking her head with a "yeah right" smile. The policewoman chuckles, then says, "Let's take her." With a feral snarl, Gabs draws her sais and the policeman draw their weapons. Alexis says "I'd do what they say, Sweetie. You saw what those weapons can do...in the videos we showed you?" The camera tightens on Gabs face as she flashbacks to briefly, a simalar pose in The Abyss, and then her fight from Ides of March. That's the last we see of Gabs for now, because now we're back in the lab. The team is still watching videos, but Xena is out of it, her long body slumped in her chair and her head thrown back. I guess the pizza has taken its toll. We see clips of Gabs first fight with Joxer, then some of Joxer's goofy moments in Purity, The Sacrifice, then back to Callisto. Polly pops Xena on the back (Huh? Xena would have killed for less!), and Xena wakes up. "Do you think that's an accurate characterization of Joxer?" the guy asked. "Yeah, pretty much," Xena replies hazily. "I don't remember him being that smart though."
In runs, Alexis, all concerned. Uh huh. "Xena, Gabrielle has been arrested!" "How could that have happened?" Polly asks
as the team and Xena turn and stand in one. Alexis explains, only to be interupted by Xena, "What's police?" "The local
warlords...they confiscated her sais and then they took her." Oh sure, as if police don't get a bad enough rap as it is! "Took
her where?" Xena demands, all business now. "To the city jail, out the front door to the left, two miles down the road." Uh
huh again. "Right," Xena says before taking off. "Are you insane? You're encouraging her!" the guy tells Alexis.
I think the charade is over. Alexis tells Xena to wait. She reaches beneath a shelf and tells Xena "You might be needing this." She tosses the object and Xena catches it. "My chakram...the real thing!" she whispers swinging it around. "Yes, it is," Alexis tells her. "Got it!" Xena takes off again.
The team turns on Alexis, asking her if she's gone insane. She's just set Xena on a path to conflict with the authorities.
Polly wants to know where the chakram has come from. And the guy says, "You know, I'm beginnning to think there are
a few things you haven't told us." Yep...the game is over...Alexis is standing in front of the big screen, and with a flash of fire behind her, transforms before their very eyes. "Alti?" they whisper as one, and when all eight eyes focus on Alti's images from Sin Trade on the screen behind them, the team confirms it with nods. Alti just laughs evilly as we fade to commercial.
Yes, it's Alti in all her wicked makeup and costume, and that wonderfully sinister grin. The guy wants to know why. Alti says
she's had countless incarnations with Xena's reputation as a do-gooder lost.for eternity. After Xena died, Alti hid the scrolls
(so is that how they ended up in the cave? why didn't she just destroy them?) Alti says she wanted to just sit back and watch
violence corrupt the world. She says it really hit a few high points in this last century. There's an understatement! "But then
, this hideous TV show starts celebrating her as a defender of righteousness. Well, we'll see how long that reputation lasts."
She turns back to the big screen.
Send in the Clones Part 2
Home