Send in the Clones Part 2

Xena moves fast! She made that two mile trip in just under 45 seconds, I'd say. This is a continuation of the same scene where Alexis threw her the chakram. On the big screen, we see Breaking News from Sandy Radford, Channel 6, ZROB. ZROB? Heh heh...looks like Rob Tapert is getting his due! There's mayhem in the city. A woman dressed as Xena:Warrior Princess has broken into city jail and freed another woman dressed as Gabrielle, "Warrior Princess's sidekick." Leah snorts, "She's plenty more than a sidekick!" Heh heh. Polly tells her to give it a rest, and the focus is back on the news report. Bob Eastwick, a corrections officer is assessing the damage, "We've got concussions, we've got broken bones, we've got blood on the floor...crazy chick...she's got the strangest damn weapon...kind of like a frisbee." Sandy tells the viewers the woman is armed, dangerous, and should not be approached. The team is watching this in horror as Alti chuckles. Leah says she cloned Evil Xena to discredit her, to which Alti sneers, "Oh, you catch on fast." Meanwhile, the news footage continues. Uh...we saw some of it earlier in this episode. Oh well, Sandy is describing how Xena made her escape leaping from car to car leading to high-speed collisions and multiple pileups. Call me a sicko, but I would have liked to have seen this!

Alti is off in her own little Alti world. "Xena wasn't always an angel in the early days. She gets twenty-two episodes of a TV show, and everyone thinks she's a great hero. (Technically, there were 24 episodes in the first season alone!) Well, they'll soon know the real truth. Once she's alienated herself from everything good, decent, she'll follow me...and together, we'll rule the world. Let's go." The team looks at each other, then takes off running asking one another, "Why didn't you stop her?" The news footage continues with a good looking young man describing the action as he saw it. His name is Edwin B. Stalter and he's an animal enthusiast. As he gives his enthusiastic play-by-play, we hear the now familiar BLEEP as the f word is censored out repeatedly. That's the third time this season that little ploy has been used. Apparently, Xena has eluded the police with a few "Huyahhs!" and has jumped the fence to procur a horse. "It was awesome, man." Did I forget to mention Edwin talks like a surfer? "You know, Xena's hot too, you know?"

Next we're in a junkyard. People are running everywhere. away from the action. Xena has put on (I kid you not!) a welder's mask and is power sanding...something. Gabs approaches, fingers in her ears, and asks Xena what she's making. Xena raises the visor, then pulls off the mask. (Thank the gods!) She tells Gabs she's making some new weapons. She pulls a pistol out of her boot and says, "These things are hopeless in hand-to-hand combat." She fires the pistol, and she and Gabs jump. There's an off-screen cat yowl. "See what I mean?" She tosses the pistol, and picks up a sword, which must have come with the catalog-ordered costume (which are very realistic, by the way, heh heh). She calls the sword a mere toy, and picks up the sword she's been working on. She's got amazing skills. It looks like just like her old sword, decoration and all!

Seems like Jiminy Gabrielle has kicked in. "Xena, you could have killed someone at the city dungeon." (I found that accolade hysterical...and appropriate!) "They had you locked up," Xena replies, never looking at Gabs. She is studying the sword. "What did you want to do? Rot their for the rest of your life?" Gabrielle tries to interject, but Xena continues, "If they want trouble, they're going to get it!"

Cue the Firebird. Xena and Gabs watch as Alti climb out. Xena is shocked, but Gabrielle doesn't seem to be. "I hear you've been busy, Xena." Xena says Alti's name, and Gabs tells Xena, "Don't listen to her." Alti wants Xena to remember what they used to have, and Xena starts to flashback...to the campfire scene in Sin Trade. Then it's Cyane's blood letting in Sin Trade and Xena's declaration of being the Destroyer of Nations from Past Imperfect. Back to the campfire for a second, and we're back to the present. Xena is staring expressionless at Gabs. The team gets out of the Firebird. "Remember the thrill of conquest?" Alti is huskily asking Xena. "You had? Hmmm??? Before she came into her life?" Xena flashes back to a ride as the Valkyris. Xena continues to stare at the bard who shakes her head and says, "Don't listen to her."

Alti is vicious...and here's where some of the Gabfans are probably going to get riled up. Alti whispers, "Doesn't her little voice remind you of her betrayal?" and Xena remembers the horrible moment from the Debt 1 where she goes to kill Ming T'ien and finds Gabs waiting for her instead. Xena whispers, "You!" evilly, and Alti keeps pressing buttons, "What her lies did to your son?" "My son..." Xena echoes as she remembers finding Solan's lifeless body in Maternal Instinct. Next to Ides of March, Xena's scream during that scene is probably the toughest for me to watch, and it's here again. Xena's starting to look more like Evil Xena now, her teeth bared at Gabs as Alti adds, "How much you enjoyed avenging that deed, huh?" And now we're subjected to watching the Gabdrag.. It's shown up to the point Xena is standing with Gabrielle over her head, crying out, "Vengeance!" As the flashback ends, Xena asks, "Why did you bring her back?" Uh oh...that doesn't sound promising. "Well," Alti answers, walking around Gabs, then giving her a push into Xena. "Consider her my gift to you."

As Xena continues to stare, now looking more confused than anything, Gabbers speaks up. She tells Xena she wasn't like that in the end. "Think of what we accomplished...think of the good we did for the world!" Now the flashbacks consist of more positive moments...Xena saving the young girls in Past Imperfect and Amphipolis Under Siege. Xena shakes her head a bit, whispering, "Gabrielle." Gabs steps forwards and puts her hands on Xena's shoulders, "Xena, the good we did for each other." There are clips from One Against and Army, Family Affair, Ides of March, The Abyss, and Sacrifice 2. Some of the most heartwarming moments of the series, truly. After they're done, Xena looks at Gabrielle, gives a feral yell, and roughly pushes the bard out of the way. It looks like the positive moments have won out, because Xena goes after Alti. Whew!

Gabrielle wisely gets the team to safety as Alti and Xena go at it. Alti uses a crowbar to Xena's sword and sends Xena flying to land on her Warrior Princess butt. Then magically, Alti's in the Firebird, screeching toward Xena. "Little bird, you sure move fast!" Xena mutters, before somersaulting over the speeding car. She eludes the car again, but on the third pass, can't, and takes a nice roll of the windshield. The team and Gabrielle wince, but Alti skids the car into...something, and now there's a live electrical wire laying on the ground. Alti is still in the car, looking to see where Xena has landed, and then hears Xena's battle cry as she runs over the top of the car, leaps down beside the driver's side, gives that great Xena hiss, and punches Alti in the head. Heh heh. She yanks Alti out of the car and throws her, several yards away. She jumps to her and tries to stomp her, but Alti rolls to her feet with the live power cable. Xena must know those sparks mean danger, because she avoids them at all cost as Alti tries to fry her. Finally, she kicks the cable away, and it lands on the Firebird, electrifying it. "Nice move, Xena," Alti rasps. "You'll make a great sidekick." Xena ignores her however, and realizes Alti standing under a car suspended by a chain. "I'll give you sidekick!" Xena growls, and chakrams the chain, releasing the car on top of Alti.

Xena isn't so sure she's dead, and whispers Alti's name until Alti pops up behind her. They scrap again, and Alti sends Xena flying on top of some sort of structure. Gabs and the team have been watching all this, but Polly's had enough. "Right!" she says, moving forward as the other three try to stop her. Gabs yells something, but I can't make it out. Polly stands in front of Alti, and does a couple of Xena stances, and Alti backhands her. With the sound of a falling tree, Polly hits the dirt. Nice try.

Alti shakes her head and moves on to better things. She makes her way to Xena and the battle continues. Xena uses a move I've never seen before as she cartwheels off the structure onto a car. She seemingly lands wrong, and her knees buckle, but she's just moving into a sideways flip to kick Alti in the head. They continue to exchange kicks and punches, with Xena, of course, seemingly taking as much as she was giving, but finally, Xena flips Alti over her head and on top of the Firebird. Alti twitches and screams for a while, and as the paintjob on the Firebird blackens, she burns to a crisp. Xena watches with shielded eyes, and then realizes a fire has started on the ground, as is following a convenient trail of gasoline which is headed towards the conveniently placed flammable drums all around Gabs and the team. "Run" she screams, but they don't...they're all frozen. So Xena runs to them, and after some prodding, proceeds to lift the team one by one up over the structure behind them. Gabs helps her every step of the way, and as the two realize there's no time for their own escape, Gabs throws her arms around Xena in a tight hug. Xena grabs her back, holding tightly, and slams her eyes shut. There is a huge fireball as the drums explode.

The team's heads pop up after the explosion. They are right above some drums marked "Flammable" that are burning...what is wrong with that picture? Anyway, they are obviously looking for remains of Xena and Gabs. There are none.

Next scene has the threesome walking away from the junkyard, bemoaning the fate of the duo. "I guess clones just break up easy," Leah says. The guy thinks it might be for the better...they were messing for nature. They disagree on that for a second, then Polly says she was a little disappointed anyway...they're more dynamic on TV. A slow moving taxi moves by, but the team ignores it. The taxi is shown driving away, and we can see Xena, her arm stretched out around Gabrielle. They hold up champaigne glasses and clink them together. (Once again, I kid you not!) Notice Xena is sitting in the center of the backseat...with no one to the left of her, which I found interesting. The guy wants to know if anyone will believe their story at the conventions. Then he changes his tune. He says he has some of "Dr." Spock's toenails at home. from when he was a Trekkie. Leah proclaims if he was a Trekkie, he really was a nerd. The guy says he's not proud of it as the taxi drives off into the sunset...well..up the road anyway. Come on, though, anyone who loves Star Trek knows it's Mr. Spock, not Dr. Spock!

And that's it...in a big ol' nutshell. The ending leads us to believe the real Xena and Gabrielle are running around in the world today...it's a nice thought, but I would have much rather seen them returned to the past.

Once again, TPTB have made a clip show that has so much backstory, it's easy to forget it is a clip show. I got a lot of laughs out of the episode, but am not really satisfied with it as a whole. Xena and Gabs were too quick to adapt to their surroundings (the welder's mask really got to me), and Evil Xena just wasn't evil enough. Oh well....looks like Evil Xena the way we know and love her will be back in full force in next week's episode, The Last of the Centaurs. This one looks pretty good!

The disclaimer...for the record...is "No Xena fans were harmed in the making of this motion picture." I could have come up with that one!

As always, all comments, questions, and criticisms are most welcome!

Here's what Gary had to say about this one:

Sorry to say,but this episode was the absolute worst show ever done,many times worse than You Are There(wish I wasn't). Where do I begin? To try to make sense of this jumbled and senseless show is a staggering task,but I will try. My normal warped sense of humor found nothing at all even remotely funny...it was like watching an auto accident,when as you drive by,you cannot tear your eyes away from the scene,even though it was bad.

Here goes:

In the beginning,we see Claire Stansfield,as Alti(she is a scientist,as we see later) meeting a guy who has Xena's updated Chakram,and with it is a single hair from Xena and from Gabrielle. Let's call her Alti...nobody seems to recognize a 6 foot 4 inch woman with long dark hair,despite the fact that she is being shown in Xena reruns while the staff at the lab watches show after show. Alti clones the girls from the hairs,and we see a reconstituted Xena and Gab(just add water?) on operating tables a-la-Frankenstein's monster,with strategically placed coverings on the naked women.

The other characters are Minia(as a blonde who constantly makes references to the subtext),the girl in The Play's the Thing who represented Xena in that episode,and some dweeb wearing a winter hat and having glasses with no lenses.This guy kept talking about Joxer references.

All through the show,we keep seeing disjointed film clips of comedies and serious shows,with carnival-like music in the background,spoiling very poignant scenes,such as One Against an Army,and The Debt....it just cheapened the scenes with grunts and catcalls in the background from the fans/scientists.Plus,the tv screen showed extreme close-ups of the girls,really making it look too ridiculous.The usual emotional impact was lost with this poor directing.

Minia wants the classic Gabby look,with long hair,but the dweeb cuts Gabby's hair.She also mentions the girls' "relationship" a lot...not too subtle at all. The dweeb must have dressed the girls,too,because we see him polishing Xena's breastplate armor,and Alti tells him to take his hand off Xena's boob.

Alti mentions the tomb of the scrolls...wait a minute...Janice and Mel got them from Ares' tomb in the 1940s,and they ended up with Joxer's descendent in The Xena Scrolls,right? is there another tomb?Alti mentioned "after Xena died"...I mean,WHICH TIME? We saw her die a lot of times in the last six years.

The endless stupid,mindless laughter at serious scenes never stopped,and it just made me seethe at this corruption of the fine episodes that had been presented.

Minia says to revive Xena,Xena would need a "dose of Gabby"...another tedious subtext reference.She suggests mouth-to-mouth revival,with a leer. There is mention of "asses kicked"...the dweeb says "I'm into that". Later Gab is unplugged,and someone puts a series of Evil Xena eps in so that Xena will be bad when awakened.

We also see violent clips of Evil Xena,including an ep. from Hercules where Xena has a namelesss girl played by Gabby crucified and breaks her legs.It was NOT a Xena ep.

It angered me to see One Against an Army being shown with the stupid reactions of the crowd as Gabby gives her finest speeches...what a let-down.The guy rubs his eyes thru lensless glasses.Excuse the pun,but was it a "sight gag"?

The Ides of March fight where Gab kills the Romans is greeted with the usual giggling...too many scenes like that to mention,but you get the idea.

Even in A Necessary Evil,where Xena confesses her crimes at Callisto's request was greeted with snickers.

Xena revives,and tosses a Chakram,bought at the catalogue store,and it bounces off things and breaks.This is the third time we see a broken Chakram...Xena Scrolls,Ides,and this Episode.

Xena puts the pinch on the guy(she rarely does that to women) and asks what is going on.Nobody says anything,he gets released,and marvels that he received the Pinch...HIM! Yawn.

The staff says they need someone who can kick butt...Xena:You got the right girl for that.

Dweeb:She can kick my butt any day. Minia:Kick butt for Good. Dweeb:Oh,it would be GOOD!

Moving on:

There is a food scene where Xena laps a donut.She and the revived Gab(who hardly had anything to say) watched Xena film clips and ate junk food.

Dweeb:After 2000 years,they gotta be HORNY.

Yawn,again.

Minia suggests the girls watch a full season of Ellen.(sigh). When Xena sees the tv Xena kissing Gab in a few scenes,she says "All right!".She also refers to herself as "kinda sexy".

Dweeb asks about their "relationship"...Xena says "get a life pervert."

Xena even walks differently...why was she directed to act like that?

Alti says she found the scrolls "2000 years ago"..I believe she meant that the scrolls were 2000 years old.

We see more mindless clips,even Joxer ones.

Alti gives Xena the real Chakram...why give her her most powerful weapon?

At this moment,6'4" Alti has a husky voice and everyone recognizes her AS Alti.She explains that she wants the Evil Xena to join her to take over the world.Why,since Xena is destined to thwart Alti's plans thru eternity,when we see it in Between the Lines?

Alti "hid" the scrolls after Xena died...again,which time?

The tv announcer says that there is a reign of terror because Xena breaks Gabby out of jail,where Alti had sent her thru the cops.

The cop had a Kiwi accent,too,so we must be in New Zealand.

Alti cloned an Evil Xena to discredit her,negating her good works.

A totally worthless and cheap scene was when a freak was interviewed and said the "F" word three times describing Xena's actions.

The final scene is at a junkyard,where Alti fights Xena,using a crowbar while Xena uses a sword she made. Why, after all Alti did to bring Xena back,would she want her dead?

An electrical wire is sparking and lands on a car...no guess how Alti is going to "die" again,huh?

Now,at this moment,Xena really recognizes Alti(a little slow on the uptake).

Gabby's only good line:"Don't listen to her."

Alti wanted Xena to see how much of a bad girl Gab was to her.

We see a shortened Gabdrag,too...just too gratuitous.

Gabby tells Xena to think of all the good they did together,and Xena finally gets it,and she and Alti fight.

Xena cuts a chain with the Chakram,and the car falls on Alti,but she is unharmed.Gab just watches with the lab people.The Xena wannabe girl gets knocked out by Alti...Gab never lifted a finger.

Finally,Alti is knocked onto the electrified car and "dies"...there is just a smudge on the car's hood...no Alti.

At the end,there is an explosion,and we think the girls are dead,but we see them in a cab clinking glasses while the lab people say they should not have messed with nature.

The Dweeb says he had Dr. Spock's toenail clippings...he is a Trekkie...the correct term is Trekker.Besides,it is MR.SPOCK,not DOCTOR SPOCK,the baby doctor.

What a mess.Now we have another pair of Xena and Gab's...the other ones are from Deja Vu,where Gab looks like herself,Xena looks like Joxer,and Joxer looks like Xena. Are they sharing spirits,or what? No answer.

The best thing I can say is that I am glad this episode was over...I needed an antacid after struggling thru it. I wish I could give it less that zero as a grade.

Send in the Clones Part 1
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