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"The Journey to Peace"

"The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change."--Carl Rogers

Another lifetime ago, I was someone else. Troubled, shamed, guilty, and unfulfilled. I was trying to be the daughter, the perfect one, you know the type, get married have children. I knew from early on that I was not like the others. I felt different. Yet I tried to be. I went down that path filled with a hatred for myself that almost destroyed me. The only part of the journey that I don't regret is the blessings in my life of Sierra, Elisabeth and Justen. I went in and out of hospitals, became lost in an alcoholic haze and almost took my life. All this has finally ended. Sometimes the masks must come off and so I came out.

The freedom that I have gained in finally being me is absolutely amazing. Guilt, shame and fear no longer have a home in my mind and soul. I have a new lease on life. Like being born anew I gladly welcome my new life. I am so lucky to find out that the woman and man(mom and dad) I feared the most still love me. I think the day I told my mom was one of the scariest ever. I had gone through the scene hundreds of times in my mind fearing the worst possible outcome, yet like most things we fear it was unfounded. The scene went nothing like I had imagined. She came to see me at the hospital after yet another suicide attempt . When she walked in the room, she looked at me and said that she loved me no matter what. I knew it was time. The words came rushing out of me, mom I have something to tell you. I have known all my life I am gay, yet I was too ashamed to tell you. She hugged me and said that she knew I always had a secret and that she still loved me. My dad wasn't so accepting at first but he has gotten used to the idea and still loves me. I think that at first the problem wasn't my issues but his own.

Finally I have gained such a peace in being who I am. After talking with mom I took a long look at what I had become and prayed to God that he help me in this new journey. I also came to know that God also accepted me for who I was. He brought an angel to my life, someone to help me and someone I could help though this new walk. The pathway doesn't seem scary any more and I walk down it with my head held high for I am gay and proud of it.

I hope that my journey will help others to be proud of who you are in life. I have written several poems, some are from when I was lost and afraid, others are written after I found peace. It is my hope that these words will have at least a small impact on all that read them. Also I have included other thoughts on the subject of being yourself. I would love to hear from anyone with comments or questions.

I would also like to thank those who have helped my in this journey and kept me alive. My parents, whose love and support seems to know no boundries. My first love, Elizabeth, who is now an angel in heaven taken from my life when we were 16. She never knew the love I carried for her. My lovely children, Sierra, Elisabeth and Justen.

Let us therefore no longer pass judgement on one another,
but resolve instead never to put a stumbling block
or hindrance in the way of another.
I know and am pursuaded in the Lord Jesus
that nothing is unclean in itself;
but it is unclean for anyone who thinks it unclean.
Romans 14:13-14

Prayer for Solidarity Sunday
God, You are the Creator and Lover of all.
You wish us to live in solidarity with each other
and to rejoice in our diversity.
We pray that all Your lesbian, gay,
bisexual, transgendered and straight
children may experience justice,
enjoy peace and spread Your love
throughout the world.
We pray in the name of Jesus, who
welcomed all to his circle of friends.
Amen.

In the name of a God that is love
In the name of a God that is love,
They hate.
In the name of a God that is love,
They discriminate.
In the name of a God that is love,
They exclude us from their spiritual worship.
In the name of a God that is love,
They suddenly expel us from loving family relationships.
In the name of a God that is love,
They insist our commitments mean nothing.
In the name of a God that is love,
They prevent us from legally marrying.
In the name of a God that is love,
They deny the multitude of gifts of creativity
we have freely given the world in so many areas.
In the name of a God that is love,
They attempt to legislate discrimination against us.
In the name of a God that is love,
They reject us in every way while many of us
experience depression and substance abuse.
In the name of a God that is love,
They steal our children and say we are unfit parents.
In the name of a God that is love,
They decide we are unfit to defend our country, and
even after we have proven them wrong they expel us.
with our medals and decorations.
In the name of a God that is love,
They do not appraise us individually but condemn us all.
In the name of a God that is love,
They laugh as the suicide rate amoung our youth soars.
In the name of a God that is love,
They keep us from reaching out to our youth to protect them.
In the name of a God that is love,
They attack us physically-wounding, maiming and killing us.
In the name of a God that is love,
They lose all sense of compassion and love and turn into vicious beasts.
In the name of a God that is love,
They judge, "It's God's punishment," as the horror of AIDS devastates us.
In the name of a God that is love,
They say, "Let AIDS kill all the faggots."

And I become introspective,
And I think on these things.
And I wonder--WHERE IS THE LOVE?

by
Richard K. Smith
PS: Richard left us last spring to be with "The God of Love"
This was sent to me by a good friend who
thought it appropriate for my page.
She is unsure of where she found it but
I am eternally grateful for these words.