Austin Powers: Insanity's the Limit
Disclaimer: The characters and places in this story do not belong to me. I'm just borrowing them for a bit of non profitable fun.
Summary: Austin Powers in the Twenty Second Century? Uh oh....
A/N: This fic is a crossover with Sherlock Holmes in the 22nd Century. This fic contains spoilers for Austin Powers in Goldmember, so if you haven't seen the movie yet and still want to, don't read. Also, this fic is rated PG13, so, if you're not thirteen or older don't read. If you're offended by innuendo, don't read. If you're offended by Austin Powers, don't read. And for those of you who know my usual SH22 writings....this is not an H/L. It's an A&E story...um yeah figure that one out if you can...
Chapter One
Dr....er Scott Evil's Secret Lair
The three people sat in silence around a long conference table in the semi-darkness of the secret lair beneath the Hollywood sign. At the head of the table was a bald teenager wearing a black sweater vest, a barely discernable twitch in his right eye. To his left sat an older gentlemen with an eye-patch covering his left eye and dressed in a two-piece pin striped suit. On the teenager's right was a severe looking woman in a black leather jacket. A riding crop sat on the table in front of her.
The woman and the man looked between each other and the teenager, who was staring off into space. The man squirmed uncomfortably in his seat. Finally he stood up and walked over to a large mini-bar and poured himself a drink before sauntering over to the table. He struck a thoughtful pose, bracing himself for an outburst.
"Sir, I just want to say that Evil Corp has never done so well as it has these past few months. Last week alone we brought in over two billion dollars profit. Sir?" The teenager's face still contained a vacant look, and the man turned towards the woman in obvious appeal.
The woman smiled, nodded, and turned towards the boy. "SCOTTT!"
Scott jumped and looked around. "What? Are we being attacked? Is Dad back?" He shook his head quickly and leveled a frown at the man with the eyepatch. "Number Two, what are you doing standing around here for. I thought I told you to go get....our newest member." He brought his pinkie finger up to his lip at the last words and raised an eyebrow.
Number Two hesitated a moment before answering. "I...already have sir. He's in the New Henchmen Training Facility now. Frau Fabizna has already conducted his orientation."
The severe woman gave another nod and smile. "Ja. He catches on quick that one."
Scott looked properly embarrassed before he gave a loud sigh of discontent. "I'm just not good enough for this. I haven't had enough training." His face grew cold. "And do you know whose fault it is?"
"Your father's?" Number Two ventured to guess.
Scott slammed his fist down on the table, and then picked it back up with a whine. "Ow! No, you imbecile. Austin Powers." Lightening struck from out of no-where causing everybody to jump. "None of this would be happening now, if it weren't for that....that...freak of a hippie. So, I've come up with a plan to both get rid of Powers," Lightening struck again, "And to take over the world! Muahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! Ahah. Ha. He. Ah...."
Number Two and Frau both nodded approvingly, but neither joined in the evil laughter, causing Scott to give yet another discontented sigh.
"Anyway, we're going to go to the future, far enough that there's no possible way Austin Powers..." More lightening. "...could be alive then. And just to make sure he doesn't follow us, I've hired a hit-man. One who has never failed. Ever. Welcome...Oedipus."
A tall, dark and handsome man limped into the room. He had a roguish smile and a twinkle in his eyes. He wore the latest style out of GQ and looked as if he stepped right off the pages. Well, limped anyway. "Greetings Mister Evil and co. I am...Oedipus."
Scott smiled a little. "Yes, yes, we know that already. But...I'm just a little curious. You see, most of your type of guy has a reason for his...nickname. So, do you have a reason you're called...Oedipus?"
"Why yes I do. I..."
"Slept with your mother?" Number Two interrupted.
"No, I..."
"Killed your father?" Frau inserted.
"No...."
"Figured out the riddle to the Sphinx's question?" Scott asked. "What? It's something Oedipus did," he added when everyone turned to look at him.
Meanwhile Oedipus was getting hot under the collar. "No, no and no! I have a club foot!" He raised the pants leg and kicked off his shoe showing a wooden club for a leg. "See? Oedipus is Greek for Club Foot! Jeez!"
Scott rolled his eyes. "Why didn't you just call yourself, "Wooden Leg"? I mean. Same thing right? Ass."
Oedipus' lips twitched dangerously, but he controlled his reaction. After all, the Evil family was supposedly insane. One did not mess with psychos lightly.
"All right, Oedipus. Now, you know what to do?" Scott asked after everyone settled down.
"Yes. I kill Austin Powers." Again, lightening filled the room with light.
"Okay, where's the friggin' lighting coming from?"
Up in a corner of the room, an anonymous henchmen cowers beneath his work console. His brother, cousin, nephew, father and dog had all died because of the famous Evil temper. He was the only male relative living now, and he wasn't about to lose his life just because of a bit of faulty wiring. It was of course, only coincidence that it sparked whenever somebody said Austin Powers.
"Okay....Well. Let's get on with it then, shall we? Number Two! The time portal. Set it for the year....2104! Oedipus once you've killed Powers...." Scott stopped, waiting. When nothing happened he went on. "As I was saying, once you've killed Austin Powers..." Lightening struck once again. "Okay! Look, when you've done your job come back here and join us. Got it? Good. Let's go then."
Number Two, Scott and Frau all jumped through the time portal. Oedipus set out to do his dastardly deed.
A ritzy restaurant....
Two men sat at a booth, both holding up menus. One was a bald man with a scar running from the bottom of his right eye down to the corner of his lip. He wore a plain grey button up suit and a ring on his pinkie finger with a large letter E engraved on it. The other had shaggy brown hair, glasses and wore a suit of purple crushed velvet with a ruff at the neck.
"So Dougie," the man with the hair asked without putting the menu down, "What are up to tonight?"
Dougie placed his menu down on the table and scratched his chin thoughtfully. He pursed his lips and shook his head murmering, "Well, nothing really Austin. Mini-me and I were just gonna catch a movie later. Ya. You know. That sort of thing."
Austin nodded in understanding, still holding the menu up. "That sounds nice. Well, I hope you have fu...ah!"
Dougie frowned and looked at his brother. "Fu-ah? Is that a new word? I don't do new words you know. Austin? Hello? I'm talking to you here. Look, my mouth is moving, words are coming out of it. Answer me."
Austin, still with the menu in front of his face was trying to talk, but the penetrating pain in his left shoulder blade prevented that. He was finally able to convince his fingers to let go of the card board and it dropped to the table. Then, his head followed, thumping on top of the menu. He let out a strangled moan before he fell quiet.
Dougie for his part simply stared at his brother, confused as to what was going on. The other man had always been...weird in his estimation and this was no exception. Until of course he saw a stain of red growing around a blackened hole in the back of the velvet suit. "Oh my god he's been shot!"
This pronouncement of course caused everybody in the restaurant to get up, screaming and running in general panic, while also serving to jog Austin Powers, International Man of Mystery out of his pain fogged state and into action.
He leapt to his feet, a bit unsteadily mind you and looked around. Of course, the would be assassin was no where to be found, having obviously thought his job finished. "This can be the work of only one man," Austin stated to no one in particular, "Dr...." He stopped and looked at his brother who was giving him a concerned look. "Er...Scott Evil. Yeah. Dougie, go and inform the Ministry of Defense that I'm off to catch a killer." And with that, he took off, and ran head first into a pillar.
New London Headquarters of Evil....
"Good work Oedipus. You've gotten rid of the only person who can stop us. Now, on to taking over the world! Let's go everyone, new Headquarters await us."
"But sir," Number Two jumped in, "Aren't these good enough?"
"Number Two, Number Two, Number Two. You just don't get it, do you? Someone from the Ministry is bound to come looking for the murderer of their number one agent. If we stay here, they're bound to find us? So, we're going to relocate, and destroy this building...or at least make it impossible to get out of. You know, in case someone leaves something behind. Right! Let's go!"
Everyone left the Headquarters of Evil, and right afterwards, the outer warehouse crumpled as if hit by an explosion. Only a human sized hole was left, to a door that was computer locked from the outside.
The Hollywood Sign Lair...
After several tries, Austin finally made it up to where he was certain his old...well...new nemesis awaited. Granted, he could barely see through the haze of pain. And while it was true he felt incredibly dizzy from the blood loss, he was absolutely certain he would do perfectly fine. He abruptly stumbled into a post of some kind and grunted. Well, so far there had been no guards to test his weakened state on...so s'all good.
"Wait a tic!" he exclaimed as he gazed at the post he'd crashed into. It was the controls to Dr. Evil's time portal. Placing his hand on the controls, he accidentally activated it, then, finally losing the battle for consciousness, he fell headfirst into it.
Outside the Old New London Headquarters of Evil...
Inspector Lestrade frowned as she picked her way through the rubble, intent on finding something, anything to prove her theory right. This building hadn't even been on the scheduled demolition list. However, Greyson assumed it was simply a mistake. Lestrade didn't believe in that kind of accident, especially when it was so near the residential district of the city.
A few minutes and diligent searching later, she cried out in triumph as she found the computerized door. The locking mechanism was brand new, and had been recently set. Now why would someone want to do that to a warehouse that was going to be destroyed? Holmes would have been proud of her, if he had been there to hear her deductive process. However, he was trying to get some information out of one Eva Norton.
Of course, the fact that she was the many times great grand-daughter of a certain person had absolutely nothing to do with his interest in her case, the detective had assured a dubious Lestrade and Watson when the relationship had been brought up.
Grinning at the memory of her friend's obvious discomfort, she deftly got the lock open and stepped inside. To her suprise, the door was at the top of a dark staircase, and she carefully made her way down them, flicking on her wrist light and hold her ionizer at the ready.
As she reached the bottom, the stairwell opened up into a large control room of some sort. There were blinking lights on computer terminals, but other than that it was empty. Save of course for the big hypnotic thing at the back and a man wearing something straight out of the nineteen-sixties laying on a stoop in front of it.
Lestrade cautiously made her way over to the man and gently toed him with her boot. Nothing happened. Shining the light more fully on him she noticed the blood seeping out of some sort of projectile wound. Grimmacing, she knelt beside him and felt for a pulse. Good, he was still alive. She pulled the scarf like thing from around his neck and placed it against the wound to staunch the flow of blood, before opening her wrist-comm and contacting Watson.
A/N: Yes, I know...Insane...(see title)
Go on to Chapter Two!
